Loud Whispers
This is the latest I heard at the famous Terra Kulture last Sunday. I had gone for my fashion show tagged ‘Private Parts’ and as it is usually the case, when investment bankers met, the economy under either Atiku or Tinubu came into focus.
At this point, Atiku had been confirmed as the candidate of the PDP and Tinubu was looking good for APC. A very brilliant investment banker who had just consummated one of the biggest trade transactions on the floor of the Stock Exchange was the one that coined the term ‘developmental corruption.’ His position was very clear. “We will see a lot of corruption but it will be infinitesimal compared to the expansion the economy will witness.”
He went on: “Edgar, for the first time, we will have someone in the villa who can read a balance sheet. See, the last time we achieved anything with privatisation was when Atiku was the Vice President. Yes, he sold to cronies but they were able to create billionaires, expand the economy and rebuild the middle class.”
As the food was coming, he was gingered. “Edgar, Tinubu is the same. See the massive spike in the IGR of Lagos. See what he has done with Lagos with successive governors, ensuring a continuum. See, Lagos cannot be compared to other megacities of the world, but it is far, far above any other city state in the country.”
By this time, I wanted to hear more. So, I said, please bring the fresh fish and the Ewa Agoyin. If you don’t have Afang, go and buy it and bring. How can I be eating Egusi, that is treason? So, the food flowed and he flowed.
Even Akwa Ibom that is a PDP state is using the controversial Alpha beta – if that is true, me I don’t know o. So, he concluded by saying that for the past eight years, we have had a restrictive and incestuous economic engagement with telling negative impact on standards of living, a worsening unemployment rate and over 600% devaluation of the Naira.
So, for him, what we will be seeing in Atiku or Tinubu will be development laced by guided and strategic corruption. I gave up, I just chopped my Afang and drank water. Nothing more to add. Kai.
Yemi Osinbajo: Ice Cream Got You
For me, what damaged Prof Yemi Osinbajo was the ice cream comment. It was lethal, well-timed and delivered with precision.
It threw up the Vice President as a weakling, someone who will not be able to grapple with the insecurity that currently besets the country. Dropping this in the wake of the Owo massacre was a massive blow that no politician no matter how adept can come out.
Professor Osinbajo in my mind’s eye is the perfect candidate for a normalised Nigeria. Not a candidate for Nigeria that is under the throes of damage, fear and desolation. If Osinbajo was a church, he would be House on the Rock or Chris Okotie’s church- you go to those ones when you do not have spiritual problems. You go and do praise worship, dance, hug and kiss people.
But when witchcraft is disturbing you and you cannot sleep at night, you will go to MFM to cast and bind. That is where you will be doing violent prayers.
Nigeria of today cannot be ruled by a gentleman. It cannot be ruled by a person who has sense. It can only be normalised by a mad man. A man who cares nothing about decorum, he will trample on some fundamental human rights and he will run wild flogging people and processes in line.
This no be Prof. I am sure at that Convention; he will just be weeping in his heart. How can Nigeria fall so low? He will be wondering. The charade, the horse trading, the mindless gerrymandering that has thrown up a candidate that perfectly suits the madness of the times. He will just be weeping in his heart.
A man with such erudite qualifications, a well-spoken gentleman, a well-regarded person who has tremendous respect and was only voted for by about 200 people, when the other person with… got over one thousand votes?
Osinbajo, my brother, weep not my brother. Nigeria still needs you; we will soon call for you when all of this madness is over. Pele egbon mi.
Rochas Okorocha: What Was That?
Me, I really was not interested in the APC Convention and had gone to bed early. My brother Idowu who is a permanent secretary in Abuja suddenly called me to ask if I was watching. I said no. He screamed, “Oga go and watch, things are happening.”
My TV in the room is permanently on a porn site. So, I went downstairs to the living room and changed the channel to Arise TV. That na where I sure say, I will get perfect coverage.
It was Okorocha’s turn to speak. Be like say the man don look too many Martin Luther King Jr. speeches. He started to emulate that one o. Complete with the shaky growling voice, the lifting of a finger to the mountaintop and the proclamation of “my people, my people, my people.”
When a man cannot compete with Jagaban – in bullion van things, what will he resort to, but theatrics. I quickly called my Director who is getting ready to stage Nnamdi Azikiwe for me next Easter.
I said come and watch o. Do you think we should cast Okorocha as Azikiwe? Watch this performance. The man watched, called me back and said maybe we can use him as one of Azikiwe boys but certainly not Azikiwe. I asked why. “I like his posturing and his gait. He has strong voice quality and his head is big enough, people will see him in the theatre.”
My director just shouted no! He doesn’t have the charisma, his looks are all wrong, he is not natural and he is performing instead of delivering a performance. He is coming off as very fake and will not be convincing. But he has energy and gra gra, so we can use him as Azikiwe’s driver or something.
I said to him: “You are mad. Rochas as driver? A former governor of the great Imo State, the champion of ‘iberiberism’ and the only single man in the whole of Igboland who understands the economic value of statues as a major tourist attraction.”
At that point, Rochas bellowed, “I have made money before the government, everybody contesting today made money from the government.”
There was a way his mouth twisted from that statement and I began to reason with my director, maybe he has a point o.
As the results came out and I saw that not even his PA voted for him, I began to work the phones to give him a chance at a second career in theatre. Please, anybody who is close to him or knows his EFCC IPO please let them know that we are looking for him to star in our production of Nnamdi Azikiwe. He will need it.
Pastor Bakare: Spit on Me
This one just came to spit and shout and go back home to his Amala and Efo Riro. These people do not even know the next thing about public speaking.
They do not know how to measure their words, tailor it, cajole, cuddle and bring colour to the point that even if they will still lose – because our delegates, no come Abuja for that one – we the general public will go home with a warm feeling like, that was a man.
See Prof Osinbajo, measured and aristocratic. Powerful intellect and sweet delivery. See Bill Clinton, See Tony Blair, see Wole Soyinka. Orators. See me sef. When I talk for Command Secondary School Alumni, all the girls will now beg me to impregnate them. I tell you.
Baba just came and was shouting down at people. Sweating and straining himself. Me, I was afraid, make he no go faint o, with the way he was sweating and spitting. It was as if I was watching a badly prepared wrestler in a bout.
Why he even tries beats me. But then again, if we don’t have these kinds of side attractions, we will not be Nigerians na. That is why we are the happiest people in the world.
Asiwaju Tinubu: Celibacy Beckons
Please, there is one boy or should I call him man. I don’t even know what to call him at this point. His name is Osa and he used to live in Magodo. He now lives somewhere in Obalende but he will be telling people that he is leaving in Ikoyi.
He was the one that came to me with one yeye analysis that Tinubu cannot win this nomination. He spoke so confidently, told me all the permutations and ended by saying that, “You know I have insiders who cook for Buhari and they have told me it is Amaechi.”
That is how, I me sef went to believe this man o. I now came out and proclaimed very confidently that if Tinubu win, then I will go celibate for four years.
My people, Tinubu has won o. See my problem o. People are calling me and asking how I will do. You see the wahala Osa and him beer parlour analysis come put me now.
Not only Osa o. Most people on the Duke summit said there was no way Tinubu would win. That he is walking like a drunken sailor and he is speaking like someone who is overdosed with kunu. Very unlike me, I threw caution overboard and went to make the kind of statement Wole Soyinka made during Donald Trump when he threatened to tear his American Passport if Trump won. Now if he did that, I am not sure o. So now Tinubu has won and Osa will be enjoying himself in the other room with his madam and me, I am here with thousands waiting to see how I will keep my oath.
Well, I have asked my lawyers to look at the word celibacy and see if we can establish any unseen clauses that can give us a way out. You trust Nigerian lawyers. Anyone that cannot do this work, no go law school. Once they go to law school, they will deliver. Be watching the election tribunal and you will be seeing the brilliance of Nigerian lawyers.
That was how my lawyer came back with a solution. Mr. Edgar, you can masturbate. There is no penetration, there is no partner, you can’t impregnate anybody and you are on your own. I say God bless you. Daniel has come to judgement.
Charly Boy: How Soon?
My big brother who has refused to see me since he came to eat Afang in my house with Mudi and Olisa Adibua, has said that he will go on exile in Ghana if either Tinubu and Atiku wins the election. My advice is that he should start the process because there is no way one of these two merchants will not be our President next year.
Area Fada in his submission even stated that he will beg for citizenship in Ghana. I say make him start next week and start early because the way it is going, there will soon be a deluge. Nigerians don tire. If you follow both conferences – PDP and APC, you will cry blood.
Apart from throwing up the same kinds of people, the process was fraught with everything but good and straightforward. When corrupt processes throw up leadership, how do you then expect that leadership to be anything but…
My brother, please start and let us know how it is going so that some of us will consider joining. Na wa.
Kingsley Moghalu: Let’s Retire Honourably
My brother who had sworn to retire both Atiku and Tinubu has been shown the door by little known Kachikwu. Kachikwu who is said to be the brother of former Minister of State for Petroleum, Dr Ibe Kachikwu came tops at the recent party primaries of their little known party, ADC.
Mr. Kachikwu also beat my friend Chuka Monye. Chuka had come to our Duke Summit to talk about his plans for Nigeria. Today, they have been dusted by a less known individual.
I think Mr Moghalu should sha give up already before the thing give am psychological problem. You know it is not everybody that has Buhari and Atiku mind who had turned consistent failure into a career. Even Buhari, the last time he lost, he was talking about blood of baboon flowing on the street. That one really pained him.
So Moghalu before we start looking towards Yaba left, is it not better to just leave this thing. If election contesting is your hubby, why not let us go try Alumni or Estate elections. The experience you have garnered so far will come in handy.
Mbok, no be by force. Thank you.
Mohammed Garuba: Historically Massive Person
Those of us who have always known this passionate Nigerian can attest to his brilliance. After me, he is considered one of the most brilliant investment bankers in the market.
Working with his other three partners, they have built their firm, Cardinal Stone, into a huge financial behemoth with many earth shaking transactions spanning the different spheres of the market.
Recently, they closed the biggest ever transaction on the Lagos Stock Exchange with a trade valued at an estimated N900 billion. They ‘crossed’ trades and earned fees from both sides making them the biggest and most valued so far. The second firm traded about N80 billion.
See this Mohammed o. Na him he come waka enter Kulture on Sunday, order food and come dey wait for me to pay for am. I thank God I ignore am o. As if I knew, my instincts just told me to run away as the waiter was coming with the bill. I just dodged in a Shomolu style. I came back, when I was very sure that he had paid for himself and all of us to continue discussions about Nigeria.
The following day, I heard about the trades and shouted. I hear that Temi Popoola at the Exchange and my brother Jallo at the CSCS have been smiling all week and have not been taking my calls – I will soon release their nudes.
Mbok, imagine how I would have felt, if I had paid for Mohammed’s food at Kulture that Sunday only to come and hear this thing. Na AMCON I for use pursue am. Kai.
Congratulations bro. This is only the beginning, by the time you finish, you guys will employ Elon Musk. Be laughing there.
Uche Orji: Strong Validation
You know nothing makes you ‘prouder’ than when people like Mr. Orji commends your little efforts. Mr. Orji is an erudite scholar and intellectual. He is the Managing Director at the Nigerian Sovereign Investment Authority (NSIA) where I hear he is doing phenomenally well.
When someone of such global standing sends you a text and says, “I love reading your column and thank you for what you do,” and the next text is one from Wole from Duke Summit saying, “Edgar, wetin you dey even write sef. I no dey understand you abeg,” what do you do than to block Wole immediately and wallow in the soft glow of better endorsement?
My big Uncle Gabriel Ukpe had once called me thinking I was in Uyo to come and have breakfast with him and Mr. Orji. Unfortunately, I had just left town and as such missed the opportunity.
Anyways, my Lord, thank you for the words of encouragement. I showed the Duchess who has locked the doors to the other room for some time now to see if she would be impressed and open the door. She just looked at me and said, “Who be Uche, na there you dey buy gas now?”
No vex my brother, na so Duchess be.
