Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Chief Emeka Anyaoku: A New Star is Born

How do you call a 94-year-old who has occupied almost every position, from international diplomat to a Secretary-General of the Commonwealth and even appointed Minister of Foreign Affairs of Nigeria at some point, a new star? 

He has seen it all and done it all, both locally and internationally. He is now retired, enjoying the benefits of a well-bred career and life. That is how I brought him out of his well-deserved slumber to headline the Duke’s Masterclass in Penetrative Leadership in Crisis and Reputational Management in Abuja.

The moment “daddy” was announced, the room erupted. He took the microphone to make his introductory remarks and held down the hall. There was pin-drop silence as he reeled out stories and stories on international crisis management, and the one that really enraptured the class was the story of Buthelezi. 

He told us how Buthelezi went into hiding during the last negotiations to end apartheid in South Africa. The story is long, and there is no space to rehash it here again, but just take it from me that by the time he was through, the whole hall was up in excitement; thus, the title of my piece.

Chief Anyaoku is a national living legend, a repository of knowledge and a man of stern integrity. This is why those of us who have access to him do everything possible to sit at his feet to not only listen but also to learn.

Whoever has the job of producing Nigerians, wherever it is that they produce human beings, no longer produces people like Anyaoku again. Na dem Area Fada type we dey get these days. I have run away ooo.   

Adedapo Olagunju: Jumping into Hot Oil

We just woke up one morning and heard that the CBN has approved directors and a board for the American bank, JP Morgan. I didn’t raise my head from what I was doing because, as far as I was concerned, this was another of those snooty organisations that would employ only those who can pass the aptitude test and have an office in Ikoyi. Then one “Igbo” man now wrote an essay, saying that how can only “Yoruba” people be on the board? Before you could say “Etekamba”, a fight erupted.

Oh, these Yoruba people have come again o. Is it only them? Why is everyone on that board Yoruba? Then the Yoruba people now countered: it is merit o. The Americans went for merit, and as a private business, they have the right.

It was at this point that I jumped into the fight. Merit? I screamed. Does that mean that merit can only be found with the Yoruba people and the rest of us are mumu? I immediately shot one of my submissions on social media, and before I knew it, pressure was on my Yoruba wife to leave our bedroom. More pressure from my many Yoruba friends.

“Edgar, you of all people?” they shouted. We sent you to school in Ibadan; we gave you jobs in Lagos, and we even allowed you to give yourself Duke of Shomolu, and you are now coming out to bite the fingers that have fed you. I stood my ground and fired out some more and ended it all with my usual war cry – come and beat me.

Well, the dust is over now; the Yoruba people now have 80%. CBN has given them the green light; they have paid their N50billion, and we all have gone back to our dreary lives waiting for the next wahala.

My last say is that if Buhari hadn’t institutionalised this thing and Asiwaju had not refined and customised it, we would not be so touchy about this issue. If you like put only Igbira people on any board or carry all the Ogoja people you know and put them on the Board of NNPC, we would not care, but today, we are now so touchy that even when you enter a brothel in Lekki, you even want to balance it – Igbo today, Yoruba tomorrow, Fulani on Wednesday, etc.

This JP Morgan fight is a reflection of who and what we have become as a nation. Sad, very sad.

Alwan Hassan: A Loose-Mouthed Submission

It’s like this oga drank expired “kunu” before he went on air the other day. He reportedly said that “ministers pay billions to get ministerial appointments and as such, Tinubu must win a second term so they can recoup,” or something to that effect. 

Agh!!! This one just burst calabash. You know the situation where everybody knows these things, but nobody says anything about it. This bobo just, out of “youthful exuberance”, just did basketmouth and spilled everything.

APC has quickly sent out a statement that he was speaking historically. Anyway, I really do not know what he does for them, but whatever it is, he should be SACKED and exiled because he can one day tell us what he has seen in Asiwaju’s bedroom o.

This one has no “sense” and is just behaving like those people in Shomolu back in the day. When they see something, they would shout, and we used to call them “elenugboro.”

I am not even blaming the guy, but also saying “good for them,” when they will be putting “bula balu” people in strategic positions while ignoring serious and well-qualified people. Let them continue; one day, one of these people will soon release Asiwaju’s secrets. It is only a matter of time. We dey wait.

Sim Fubara: I Know Your Leader

Kai, I have even forgotten that this baba is still a serving governor. He had been beaten to a stupor by the people who sent him messages. They have suspended him, brought him back, barked at him when he attempted a second term, pushed him away and did all that to the point that he just went silent. You know the kind of silence we used to go to when you offended your mother, and she chased you with a broom? She would beat you to the point that you would end up in one corner. She would hold her own mouth, brandish the broom in your face and sternly say, “Phem!!!” In fear, you would hold your lips, struggling not to bring out another sound before you get a brace on your gorimapa.

That is what has happened to our dear Sim. He had been beaten blue and black, pushed to a corner and asked to “phem!” He has shut up and has only been allowed to come out this one time to proclaim “na our leader be this o.” Kai, this is classic how not to be a man.

Why this matter really pains me is that some of us had backed this horse, believing that just maybe we would have a real fighter who would demolish this loud-mouthed Mike Tyson. But in the second round, he was knocked out and probably brain-damaged. This is why today, he is singing nursery rhymes all over the place. 

Gov Abba Yusuf: A Very Disappointing Gambit

If you see how this one is paining me ehn, you will pity me. So, one oga says he has the nude picture of this governor and was threatening to release it. Not sure if he changed his mind or whatever it is; he sha found himself in court on the matter. I was very eager and excited at the prospect of seeing my very first gubernatorial – you know what. I started following the story very closely and forgot about even going to get my PVC.

That is how the devil enters the matter. The court throws out the case. Oh my God, who is this judge? Why would he throw out the case just like that, leaving me with too many questions and no answers?

Well, this guy should still be interrogated. 

How did this happen? Why did it happen and for what purpose? He should do us a big favour by writing his biography so we can all study.

This Nigeria is a crime scene, as they say it on the streets – a whole governor’s nude? Kai, who else is safe? The governor has escaped this one, but take it from me, the next scandal is loading. These are really, really interesting times in this country and this is why all these admirers that request for my pic, I would not grant them. If I now come and send tomorrow morning, when I become the Chairman of the United Nations,  one mumu will now come and threaten me because he has stumbled on my matter while repairing my phone.

Let me seize this opportunity to celebrate with the governor for escaping this particular episode and advise him that if there was anything in his private life that pushed him towards this precipice, he should desist o. This is just advice o, don’t come and beat me on this one o. 

Thank you.

Ekperikpe Ekpo: Like Father, Unlike Son

Immediately I saw this report, I felt like calling my brother Ezekiel Adamu to arrange one of his crazy celebrity fights. Apparently, a DNA matter has spilled into the political space.  A guy who claims to be the son of this Minister has come out on his social media handle to say that this election is one of the people’s might. In response, the minister’s people have disassociated from him, stating that they do not know him.

In further response, he asked that he should be subjected to a DNA test.

Now I do not know if the minister’s people will take up the challenge or not, but as a pushback, pulling in parentage into a political question is brilliant. So the boy says he will challenge his father in the next elections and show him that it is the people’s might, and the minister decides to pull in federal, state and local government might into this matter, and, by the way, you are not my son.

Wow, whoever must have given the minister’s team that advice is an “evil genius.” How else will you describe this adviser than to label him an evil genius? Kai. Now the boy will be struggling with his heritage and his reputation, making him forget for a minute the Nigerian problem when he now has a major identification crisis in his hands.

The thing this election will “carry our eye to see ehn”, and we have only just started o. Let me go and look for my birth certificate before I write my next column. Kai.

Doris Ogala: A Doris in the Pot

Finally, this matter has gone full circle. It all started one quiet evening when a pastor suddenly announced his wedding to his beautiful bride. This sometime actress went on air and spewed o. As she was ranting, I was wondering if she had never heard of slander, defamation and libel. She talked o, raked and cried. But legally, I was just pitying her, all because the man after allegedly “eating” from her pot had left for another pot.

Anyway, months after the chickens have come home to roost, she has been remanded in prison on the same charges that I was afraid of.

How she will escape this one beats me o. I am not a lawyer, but the evidence is in millions and on the internet. The things she accused this guy of were so heinous and damaging that only God can save this lady from this wahala that she has used her mouth to enter.

They say hell hath no fury more than the fury of a woman scorned, but it is looking like this particular woman has carried her own fury to build hell for herself. Mumu.

Ayo Makun: A Wrong Judgement Call

A fading comedy star ran into some turbulence recently. He claims not to have been paid his full fees, put in tiny accommodations and treated shabbily. In response, he didn’t appear and ran himself into turbulence.

A mini riot ensued, and the man had his back to the wall. He went on an explanation tour, telling his own side of the story with differing responses.

But if he were to ask me, I would have said – appear, protect your reputation and integrity and then go and fight for your money after. It is your name on the marquee, and you had so much to lose by appearing to be fighting for whatever it is you were fighting for.

Anyway, that one has passed, and we still have 2027 to be worried about; AY’s fee or grandstanding is the least of our problems. I just thought I’d mention. No vex. Thank you.

 Dapo Abiodun: It’s About Time 

I am hearing strong rumours that the Ijebus will soon have a new Awujale. I have overheard conversations leaning towards this. I have been sworn to secrecy, so I will not speak too much before I am turned into a cockroach. But what I have heard is that someone seems to have received a strategic nod even though consultations and discussions are still going on.

You know how your mouth will be pushing you to talk, and you know that if you talk, you will not only be in trouble but may scatter things, so you force yourself to “shut up”. Anyway, Dapo Abiodun, the Governor of Ogun State, has reportedly stated that the very proud people of Ijebu land would soon be having their king. He is said to have mentioned that this would happen “before May 2027.”

This has come as a relief because one was getting worried that this would be another 80-year “interregnum” that the Itsekiri people went through before they got their monarchy reinstalled.

Even though I do not know soon-to-be Awujale, one thing I know for sure is that the Ijebu people have been saved by the horror of having an aeroplane-stopping, gold tooth wearing, and croaky voiced-singing person lord over them. Make I keep quiet o, too many people are getting ready to beat me.