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Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Pastor Tunde Bakare: A Saul of Tarsus Moment

Mbok, when I first saw the clip where Pastor Bakare was abusing ’Emilokan’, calling his campaign all sorts of names without mentioning his name, I rushed to an earlier clip where he was saying that Bola Tinubu was the best thing since Afang and Fufu.

I weak. This 360 degrees turnaround is amazing. It is no wonder that APC has even gone ahead in response to say that it is the ‘zero’ he got in the primaries that is disturbing his big bald head.

This time, e be like say I want to side with APC. This topsy turvy move is annoying and decidedly self-serving. If you watch both videos you will lose respect for this Pastor Bakare. You will say he should go and sit down and let us hear word. How can you in one one moment  declare Asiwaju as a man of destiny, and that those who are asking for his qualifications are time wasters, and in the next moment, you abuse, stating that he does not have a badge of honour, and that na you get the badge of honour.

Badge of honour kill you there. Which yeye badge of honour. Do you think we are your ‘mumu’ church goers that will be following your every word without even thinking? Do you think your hypnotism of your members can come and catch us and be making us swallow every word that comes out of your mouth?

I think APC should unleash FFK of Cambridge on you. Let him use some of those colourful words on you so you can go and climb the mountain or wherever it is you go to get the inspiration to be talking about all the crap that you spew.

Look, Tinubu deserves all these and more but even this one is low. It is base inconsistency and smacks of an arrogant outlook believing that you are speaking to ‘mumu’ people all over the place. I pity you, you had better go and rest before one small girl in your church will stand up and say, ‘pastor shut up’.

Kenneth Okonkwo is the Best Spokesman Ever

These elections have thrown up a new class of ‘professionals’ which is party spokesmen.  Political spokesmen have a herculean job. Selling their parties, its candidates and generally managing communications and reputation. They do the real job because they surf media platforms reaching out to millions at a go and becoming the real superstars of the lot.

Of the lot, Mr. Okonkwo stands out. He has been very pragmatic and neat. Watching or listening to him has been like seeing poetry in motion. Falling ever so strongly on his background as an actor, you see the way he understands camera angles, projection and elucidation. He flows and weaves and hits ever so sweetly almost like watching Mohammed Ali box in those days.

Even when his deep Igbo accent doesn’t allow him to mention Yoruba names well, he still manages to make it feel elegant. The thing used to make me laugh, but the confidence in which he massacres the names and the dramatic sequencing in saying ‘emilokaaaaan’ just makes you laugh.

His background as a lawyer also comes into play with his deft use of logic and snazzy arguments. He comes across as soft but firm unlike Keyamo who is brash and spittle driven. But Okonkwo is delicate, his mannerisms are such that he understands the psychology of the audience. He understands that this is a performance, that it’s all about persuasive communications and not the ‘bolekaja’ variant that is the lock stock and barrel of his colleagues in the other parties.

If his party wins and he is made the Minister of Information, then we would be seeing a new vista in that position. I can’t remember having any meaningful persona holding that position in recent times.

Kai, as I dey write, I just imagine Dino as Minister of Information. Ahhh, I cast and bind. Ahhh, that one will go to the United Nations and be singing “ko ni da fun yin”, and be dancing with his boxer shorts on display. Kai. Kai. Kai.

Nyesom Wike: The Gods are Not to Blame

The great Mr. Wike who seems to have out dribbled himself never ceases to amaze me. I like his theatrics though and I am thinking of doing a play in his honour as he is leaving the office.

When I am bored and feeling down and out – you know this is January and person don broke, so I am touchy and irritable. When I want to get myself out of the mood, I will just go to social media and watch Wike’s clips. He is a showman extraordinaire and could have a second career in Nollywood or stage. I won’t mind having him at rehearsals.

The one I watched just before this write up was classic Wike – fearless, bold, intimidating and with a large dose of humour. Apparently, in trying to leave a befitting legacy there has been a rash of infrastructure commissioning but this very locality saw workers being kidnapped and this infuriated our governor.

Complete with his musicians, he stormed the community and gave this very powerful speech: “I don’t understand why you will be enemies of progress,” he thundered. “Why would you be kidnapping workers? We are bringing progress and you are kidnapping workers. Shame. Real shame to the community and their partners in this kidnapping business though.”

Then he dropped it:  “You traditional rulers, what are you doing? Why are you not asking your gods to intervene? Are they sleeping? Every time you will go and be pouring libation. Better go and warn the gods otherwise I will take a bulldozer and go and clear their shrines.”

By this time, I was already on the floor, forgetting that my account balance was looking like a federal government treasury after Buhari had finally gone.

Wait o, it is getting worse o –” if you don’t go and warn your gods, I will flog them,” and that moment the cameras went straight to one big traditional ruler who looked like he wanted to faint.

Kai, Wike na wa oo. I will miss him when his tenure is over. He was a different kind of leader. Very fearless and bold. Kai, a great man in that sense. A truly great man.

Flog the gods? Only Wike. Kai!

Olaniwun Ajayi: Things ‘Daddy’ Told Me

 Let me first apologize to this great man’s family for disturbing his well-deserved sleep and bringing him back to the murky waters of Nigeria’s politics,especially as it affects the so-called Yoruba elitist intelligentsia.

I had just taken over as the Managing Director of the wonderful Aquila Asset Management Limited and was going through the list of our clients and stumbled on the name. This was a great name. A name that had contributed to the country in several spheres so I decided to pay him a visit.

I called and got an appointment and my partner and I headed up to his village somewhere in Ogun State, I think. We sat with him and had over four hours of meaningful dialogue which opened my eyes to the folly of the so-called Yoruba elitist intelligentsia.

He talked about the emergence of what is now seen as the ‘emilokan’ phenomenon and its attendant decimation of the Afenifere as the bastion of Yoruba pride and its main vehicle for cultural and political influence. The rude incursion of Tinubu and his ‘funny’ ways of doing things lacking in pedigree and a true sense of fair play and justice was the bane of the destruction of the structures that held Yorubaland as designed by Awo and his Action Group and Egbe Omo Oduduwa

Very unlike me, I was not hungry and didn’t ask for a drink as I soaked the wisdom and knowledge from this great man. We agreed to a second session and I must state that the engagement inspired my partner to run for elections in Ogbomosho on the tenets that daddy has spoken about. He failed woefully.

As I watched the goings-on in the land, especially the role of the Yoruba elitist intelligentsia, the words of Chief Ajayi come back to me in sadness. The Yoruba elitist intelligentsia are watching with annoying apathy in some instances and with vigorous involvement as the weakened structures of the Awo principled-led leadership push is muddied in the very watery waters of Emilokan. I am very sorry but the truth has to be said. This campaign has broken and bended every conceivable rule as it trudges to what is looking like a possible victory. From qualifications, to religion, to campaign funding, to rules of engagement, everything has been destroyed or bent to unrecognition and the Yoruba Intelligentsia is either watching or being a part of it.

Will Awo run this kind of campaign? How will Jakande rate this campaign? Then I watched people who are otherwise very sensible defend this and I just feel like slapping them

How can Fashola lend his intelligence to this cacophony? I see otherwise very intelligent Yoruba elites either keep quiet or thrown in very powerful but mischievous arguments as this train wreck is moving.

Oga will shout- if you vote for me, I will soak bread and give you a slice and people with PhD, internationally-respected economists and highly intelligent lawyers who have argued cases at the world court will shout in agreement. Oh my God.

Let’s not even go to Atiku’s camp, which is just a nest of vileness. We are doomed, I swear and I will put the blame firmly at the feet of the Yoruba elitist intelligentsia. They are the ones who have finally destroyed the levers that hold the country with this thing we are seeing.

Come and beat me.

Gwen Nwachukwu: Nice to Meet You Ma

As I walked away from Chief Anyaoku’s table, one sweet looking lady beckoned at me. “Duke, I read you every weekend and do not miss your column. But last week, I did not agree with you on one of your stories.” I bent down. She was matronly and still very, very beautiful. I liked her, the kind of mummy you do not want to offend or to even know that you had an eye for her housemaid.

I said, Mummy, which story is that and she said, she cannot remember. As she spoke, I saw my primary 4 teacher – Mrs. Nwuchukwu. Mrs Nwuchukwu was the first woman I ever had a crush on. She had asked in class, “who can tell me the source of the River Benue,” and the Holy Spirit gave me the answer – Cameroun Mountains or something like that, I shouted and she said correct and smiled. Na that smile enslaved me for 40 years o.

That was the smile I saw on this sweet lady as she spoke. I said “ohhh thank you so, so much ma, I will keep writing if they allow me. How are you ma?” And she said fine and I said, “sorry ma, can I meet you?” And she said, “Mrs. Ike Nwachukwu,” and pointed at the empty seat beside her.

You know that saying, ‘Old soldier never die’ and as I don’t want pellets in my buttocks, I said “oh ok mummy, thank you so much, goodbye let me run.” She smiled. Mrs. Nwachukwu smiled again but this time, I no look abeg.

Seriously, I used to read a lot about her in the 90s and used to admire her carriage and disposition. But meeting her personally was kind of an epiphany. A true lady, her composure and carriage were just something else. They just don’t make her type again. Well-done ma and thanks for the nice words. She even asked after the Duchess oooo. Maybe I should send that one to Madam for some lessons o. Kai!

Ademola Adeleke: You Cannot Even Play

Did you see the video of my favourite governor about to do a kick off at a football match recently?

From the way he was dressed, I just knew he could not play. That dressing is the one people we used to call ‘otun’ in Shomolu used to dress. They will wear all the uniform correct. Nice jersey, fine shorts, expensive boots, colourful socks complete with shin guard and towel on their neck. All of that is to distract o. As talent no dey, you go showcase na.

My Governor was now walking on to the pitch with swagger. You know the bobo get style, him big bele notwithstanding. He strutted on the field and stood by the ball.

Then they said, oya. He suddenly saw an Okocha in him. He moved to the left, moved to the right, moved again to the left, moved to the right. By this time the crowd had gone into a frenzy. They were screaming their heads off. He did the move again and like one small chicken, kicked the ball to one side and bounced a little bit and walked away.

His swag seems to be reducing as we are no longer seeing the dance videos and the rest. Looks like someone has said, it is not elegant for the Governor to be dancing about like a drunk with STD. but I no gree, the people of Osun voted very overwhelmingly for him despite that and that is his DNA, his edge.

My Lord, let’s keep dancing abeg. You are different and eccentric and that is why we all love you. Please keep being who you are. Make your own rules and don’t be limited by what people think. Sha try reduce the bele sha so at least you go fit still dey see your something. Kai.

As Akan Udofia Crosses the Red Sea

Finally Pharoah and his army could not stop the chosen one from crossing the Red Sea. As I was rounding up this week’s column, the breaking news came that the Appeal Court has finally cleared the APC governorship candidate in Akwa Ibom, Mr. Akan Udofia, paving the way for his participation in the upcoming elections.

Last week, I was with Udofia and his main man, Scott Tommey at the prestigious Legacy Hotel in Lagos and I asked him- Incoming, ‘you no dey fear? This thing don dey fear me oo. You sure say we nor go migrate leave this thing’ and he laughed and said, ‘there is nothing bigger than God.’

What has dragged me firmly into his corner apart from the delicious Afang and Fufu that I have eaten in both his Uyo and Lagos homes – by the way the Uyo own sweet pass the Ikoyi own- is his optimism.

He is just so bent on his vision and mission in Akwa Ibom. They have stoned him, pushed him, all to no avail.

Even me sef, wey just dey sideline dey shout Akan, Akan, they have asked me not to come to Akwa Ibom in a long while.

Yes o, someone called me and said, ‘This Akan you have been shouting, make sure you stay away from Uyo for a long time.’

I say mummy you don’t have to repeat it. I am not coming o. I can still get the Afang in Shomolu.

Akan’s  perseverance and firm commitment has withstood the vagaries of Nigerian politics and I would wish to not only congratulate him but also the judiciary that has stood by the truth and justice and lastly  the millions of Akwa Ibom youths who have remained unwavering in their support .

Prisca Etuk is My Sweet Violet

Before you people will start trying to call Duchess that I have started again o, Prisca is my brother Cyril’s daughter. She recently celebrated her 21st and my brother reached out. ‘Edgar, I need you to celebrate my daughter at 21’.

Then he sent me some information about Prisca that weakened me. She was born premature and was grossly mismanaged at the hospital. She struggled through that and at two years old, she fell mysteriously ill. A sickness that to date has not been diagnosed. Kai, this illness took her to her 7th year after which it miraculously disappeared and she regained her health.Today she is a second-year student at the University of Uyo and the light of the Etuk family. It is fitting to note that she was named after the former MD of Nicon Insurance Plc where her papa worked as stenographer- Lol.

Happy birthday my daughter and may God who has started something very beautiful in your life lead you to glory in Jesus mighty name. Whenever you are in Lagos, let’s do Afang but your papa will pay, he dey owe me. Bless you.

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