Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Kashim Shettima is as Lethal as They Come  

Last week, I unveiled four terrorists on these pages: Nyesom Wike, Femi Fani-Kayode, Fetus Keyamo and Dino Malaye. It seems I missed the most dangerous, Mr. Kashim Shettima. I do not know why I missed him out because he is as acerbic as they come.

Did you read how he took out the great Atiku Abubakar during the week? Mbok, the yabis was just too much o. Kai! He said that APC will send Atiku to retirement in Dubai and also said his qualifications were of the ‘wole wole’ variant.

For those of you who were not brought up in Shomolu, ‘wole wole’ na another term for ‘agbe kpo’ – night soil man o. Kai! Night soil men were very mysterious because their jobs entailed carrying ‘shit’. They used to dress like Marvel super heroes, covering their face and using the shit clad broom to scare away people who laughed at them.

Now Shettima left his principal’s own dubious qualifications which, from what we have heard, may not even qualify him for this noble work, to come and tear Atiku’s own into pieces.

Of course, the PDP replied by saying that the man is deranged. Mbok, this yabis sha enter. I really could not help but laugh at Atiku. That one sef, I really do not know why he is leaving Dubai to come and be distracting us here with a long winding presidential ambition.

Truth to be told, what exactly does Atiku have to offer? Shebi wicked Shettima has told us that the man is not an Abraham Lincoln and as such he should just let us be.

This Shettima should be watched very closely o. His mouth is like that of Wike even though he still has some levels to go before he reaches them Fani-Kayode level, he is still as lethal as they come though. Kai!

Tinubu’s Masterstroke ‘Tech’ Presentation

Love him or loathe him, what you cannot deny is his strategic approach to politics. See, the man get sense too much. He once said that the Presidency is not a 100 meters race but that of brains and the man gets a better brain for that him bald head.

See, it is not who can ‘nack’ or who can run a marathon, it is the man that has the brains to bring together a credible team that would take us out of the doldrums. This is why I think during his last presentation to the Lagos business community, he sat there and allowed better people to speak.

Bringing the founder of Flutterwave, the first and biggest unicorn in the fintech space with trillions of Naira in revenues to make a presentation was simply a masterstroke. You see why some people will die for BAT.

Instead of him going to talk his usual crap, he brought in the tech genius to talk about his proposed tech policy. Mbok, even me siddon here dey hail am for that. The Flutterwave guy gave a very good presentation and threw in a lot of confidence into the system.

If BAT had made the presentation himself, apart from his usual – from worse to bad- gaffes, we would all be distracted with his k-legs, his lean frame and all the ‘ibon’ he will be blowing that the whole thing will be meaningless.

If there is anything you can say about him, it is his ability to not only build a team but make the team work. He is the greatest when it comes to that and this Flutterwave thingy, shows that an Asiwaju Presidency would see the bringing together of Nigeria’s brightest and most intelligent. Brilliant move.

In any case, the surgeon general of Shomolu has warned that the above comment by the Duke of Shomolu is not an endorsement of the Asiwaju presidential project but mere musings from an idle and hungry Duke.

When an Elder Like TY Danjuma Keeps Talking

I am so sorry for not saying anything about this when it happened. Please make una no vex, distraction is everywhere. It was Duchess’ 50th and you will agree with me that running around and looking for money to deliver a stress-free ‘owambe’ party complete with no side chicks for a Yoruba woman is enough to make you forget about very important things.

Lt-General T.Y. Danjuma (rtd) has a coloured history in this country as he oscillates from hero to villain to hero and back to villain. In all of these transfigurations, me just dey look am with one eye. The man has respect no doubt- hero or villain. You will disrespect him at your own peril.

Following the daily decimation of Nigerians by terrorists, the retired general had said we should all go arm ourselves and fight back. That advice is funny, because the landlord will move against the tenant, the wife will move against the side chick and anybody wey near Wike will hear word.

But the enormity of the whole thing, the wickedness of it all and the seeming lack of care that the authorities continue to show has made Baba come back again with his advice and warning. He was reported to have said that we should all go and seek the source of these weapons and arm ourselves.

If we follow this prescription, it will herald the kind of carnage that was ever foretold but then again when we are living in an era in which more Nigerians have lost their lives since the civil war, it leads to this kind of frustration.

People are dying daily and needlessly. People are losing friends and families, dead bodies litter everywhere and I dare say, there is no Nigerian family that has not witnessed or felt the gruesomeness of these killings, maiming and kidnapping.

All these making the advice of the kind General to be looking very imperative. Na wa. We are now in a very tight situation – a catch-22 situation.

If we don’t do anything, we continue to die and if we arm ourselves, we die more. Oh Lord!!!.

We Want Subsidy on Condoms

Inflation is on a gallop and the president is also on a global gallop. As the Naira fell to an all-time low hitting the N800 mark, it was announced that our dearly beloved president was on his way for another medical checkup.

A bag of rice is now N45,000. As if that one is not enough, a pack of condoms is now above N2,000. We can understand the rice going up and all other items going up but condoms? This one touch me o. I cannot even pretend again. When people have been shouting at how prices have been going up, me I have just been looking at them.

At the start of our career, we used to buy condoms for N20 and when it got to N500 we didn’t mind because income was jumping at a higher pace. Today we are seeing condoms at N2,000 a pack and still going up. Can you even see a correlation between the prices of condoms and the increasing rate of HIV in the country especially in Lagos?

This our National Assembly who are not looking focused will now be summoning jobless people to come and be defending budgets. Abeg, what would you expect Lai Mohammed to come and talk when valuable time could be spent in seeing how they can assist Nigerians in holding down the price of condoms?

In the light of this situation, I want to humbly request that a state of emergency be declared on the price of condoms, while a subsidy be placed so that condoms will be easily affordable and within the reach of all Nigerians.

This should be our focus. Thank you.

Sheikh Ahmad Gumi, is Something the Matter?

In all of this, no agency of government has ever called in the respected Sheikh to ask him one or two questions. The highly revered cleric seems to understand the ecosystem better than both sides. Be like say, he understands the economics of terrorism even more than the terrorists and even the authorities.

His reported position that the kidnappers will now be asking for dollars with the redesigning of the naira shows an uncanny brilliance when it comes to the economic rudiments of kidnapping and terrorism.

So why the authorities have not sought his services as a consultant in this fight is really very confusing. The understanding is there, the network is there, the confidence is there and the readiness on his part to work for a solution is there. So why we are not even seeing a push towards getting him involved in this fight is really confusing me o.

One would have thought that any serious push towards solving this problem would be to get him in and use him as an arrowhead in whatever strategy the government would like to deploy in solving this debilitating problem.

But in a country where, if they steal your car and you rush to police, na you dem will first catch, what else can you expect.

If I were the Inspector General of Police or the defence chief, General Lucky Irabor, Sheikh Gumi would be the first person I am pulling in but then again, who am I but a very humble Duke of Shomolu who is being seriously disturbed by the price of condoms. Na wa for our country. It’s a long drive to uhuru, I tell you.

Adams Oshiomhole’s Funny Turnaround

Did any of you see the recent report ascribed to this bald-headed relic? He is now shouting that fuel subsidy is a fraud and that some people are just using it to steal. See this man o. It is just that someone cannot start to be calling him ‘mumu’ on the pages of a national newspaper, otherwise I for call am ‘mumu’. I will not do that.

Is this not the same Oshiomhole that used to lead protests and be shouting, ‘We no go gree’ and he will hold the country to ransom simply because he didn’t want the government to remove the subsidy? This same subsidy o. Everybody will call him and try to explain the futility in the subsidy. The long-term effect on the economy and all that, but then he will wear khaki trousers and singlet and be singing protest songs and be running from Maryland to Oyingbo to scatter the whole thing.

Today he is now crying wolf. He was reported to have said that when he was fighting Obasanjo that the subsidy was N20 billion, now it is running into trillions and that it is not possible for us to spend that kind of money on subsidy.

One cannot knock an old man, otherwise when next I see him, I will take permission from his very beautiful young wife and give him a very good knock. I tell you.

Our main problem in this country is throwing up leaders with no long term view to governance. Oshiomhole, a tailor with limited education thrown into a position of complex economics and allowed to have a driver’s seat on issues with massive long term impact.  Issues that he knows nothing about. Even if you find yourself in such a position, you will not better yourself or even look and listen for better advice but you will be running around with pig head taking and holding positions very proudly and arrogantly over things you really know nothing about.

This fuel subsidy is the biggest scam in the history of the world. It is the greatest robbery orchestrated by the same people we have continually put in place to protect us. They have stolen us dry and nothing to steal again, they are now stealing the crude from source.

Oshiomhole should be flogged on his bare buttocks and made to walk with a bag of rotten tomatoes on his head for this his latter day revelation. He is the main reason why we are where we are today on this matter. Simple.

Adigun Agbaje and Kidnapper’s Folly

ASUU has just called-off a-nine-month-old strike and the President of the association has come out to shout that they don’t have transport fare to go to work and then some people now go and kidnap the lecturer and are asking for N50 million as ransom.

Some things are kind of funny. I am so sorry because the situation does not allow for laughter. Prof Agbaje is one of Nigeria’s experts in Political Science. He taught me at the University of Ibadan. Well respected and prudish in comportment. I remember him in his simple Ankara. Very frugal in disposition and not in the least interested in the ostentatiousness that is life for some of us.

That is the person that you are kidnapping and asking for N50 million. The only thing that could be done was for a crowdfunding thing to be set up. His students both old and new and colleagues started contributing money o. From the kinds of monies, I was hearing that were being contributed it was looking like Prof would most likely be in that place till Jesus comes back o.

Thankfully, he was surprisingly released the next day and issued a statement thanking all his community but asked us to pray for the victims he left behind.

Kidnapping is now very rampant and fearful. Nobody is safe. The country is just a whole land of insecurity. Scary.

I thank God for Prof’s safe return and like he has asked, my prayers are for all victims of kidnap all over the country and still in captivity. May the Lord protect them and ensure their safe return to their loved ones. Fearful.

Afenifere: Enter the Dragon

Maybe I am wrong o, but do we see any electoral value with this prehistoric grouping? These ones have passed their sell by date so long ago that one could be excused if I had to rush to the history books to really find out who exactly they are.

Now instead of them to relax and enjoy this their momentary shine under the sun, they are now fighting. They have brought out their brownish teeth to be fighting and causing the same confusion that pushed them to the point of seeming irrelevance. The only vibrant leader -Pa Adebanjo is now being disparaged by one side of the team.

Adebanjo had endorsed Mr. Peter Obi initially and now for whatever reason, the Pa Fasoranti side is saying no that it is Asiwaju that they are endorsing. The truth is that no matter who they endorse, I do not see a correlation with electoral results hence my lack of understanding of this fight of the walking sticks and dentures.

Pa Fasoranti was said to have stepped aside and appointed Adebanjo the acting leader. Now someone has gone to the old people’s home where he was relaxing with a game of ‘ayo’ to bring him out to endorse his ‘childhood friend’ who is running on the APC platform.

Afenifere in my estimation is a relic of our recent past. They did so well for us during the June 12 matter and will continue to receive our gratitude and thanks, but things are different now. They should continue to rest and relax and enjoy the fruits of their labour past and leave this matter alone. Thanks!

Bolaji Adewumi: A Rating to Behold

Bolaji is my brother. He is also the Managing Director at Abbey Mortgage Bank Plc, a-30-year-old mortgage institution. Bolaji is not that old o, na young man with a very beautiful wife. I will give you guys Toyin’s gist soon.

Today, I want to hail Bolaji and his team. Agusto has just rated them triple B. You see, in our markets a rating is very critical because it allows the market to take investing and betting decisions on you. A triple B rating for an institution which just a few years ago was struggling in the swamp of illiquidity and despondency is quite remarkable.

As the year draws to a close, Abbey is looking at reporting about N442.6m PBT in the second quarter and a whopping N7771.5m in Q3.

These are the kinds of things that excites me, especially coming from a very young team who instead of ‘japaing’, are sitting back and doing things. Well done guys at Abbey. Well done.

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