Travails of Citizen Chiwetalu Agu
He said he was distributing just bread but the authorities thought otherwise. His garb was the issue. He was arrested and bundled into the barracks. From there, men in black took him to their place but was later released.
The video of him in the hands of soldiers in their barracks was released and their prophet was seen denying any knowledge of the separatist movement, he was heard saying the image on his costume was just a rising sun and he did not know anything about anything that he was just distributing bread.
You see, let me just say this and I know a lot of people will not agree with me. That thing Actor Agu was pretending to be doing is the most effective means of propaganda deliberately foisted to achieve a certain outcome.
When you wake up in the morning and adorn images that reflect a certain tendency and you move towards a cluster of ordinary people and distribute bread, what you are inadvertently saying is that, ‘Look this is how life will be when we achieve Zamunda’
To me this was deliberate, a strong show of support and a push by a very influential member of a sector that has power over mind- that is Nollywood to strongly strengthen a position.
So, all that, ‘I was just distributing bread’ if you ask me, is BULL. Anyways, he has been released and everything is now honky dory and we will now go back to our slavish lives waiting for the next episode in this long winding story that is Nigeria.
But let me say something at this point, there is nothing in this world wrong with wanting to separate. There is freedom of association and speech everywhere. But my problem is when you refuse to follow laid down internationally accepted means of achieving this either because you feel your position is not that of the majority or because you do not have the patience to follow through and as such you foisted on innocent citizens the kind of violence and carnage that we are seeing is really a problem.
Any Ikenna or Emeka can force a referendum and ask a simple question – would you like to stay or leave Nigeria? Results from this unofficial poll if in full support can now be taken to court, asking for an official referendum or even the National Assembly and if this also throws up the same outcome, then I am sure there are constitutional processes that can lead to a peaceful and mutually beneficial separation without all of this bloodletting.
United Kingdom did Brexit na. Scotland did their own na and there are so many other examples of such. So, all these bloodletting, tension and pain are truly sad and needless.
This rain that is falling in Nigeria, it is everybody that it is touching. It is every tribe the thing is messing up. Nobody is spared. If you ask me, I think we should concentrate on pushing vision driven leadership and 2023 gives us that unique opportunity.
As a pacifist and a cowardly one at that, I plead for peace. Violence and other extra judicial arbitrary processes will not achieve anything but continuous blood on our streets.
So, Citizen Agu instead of going about using your clout to distribute bread, kindly forge partnerships that would bring about peaceful and pragmatic solutions to whatever is our problem in this country.
Did you even wear undies under that thing sef?
YEMI OSINBAJO, PLEASE STAY ON YOUR LANE
Did he just say that the Naira be devalued and that the true value of the Naira has not been reached? You see this kind thing will only just make you ask if the said speaker was ‘throwing up’ or speaking.
Mbok, at over N500 to the dollar, what other devaluation are we talking about again?! Over 100% devaluation in less than 12 months and you say we should push for more? Is it until we start competing with Zimbabwe and we are beset with hyper inflation that we will come to the realisation that we have totally wrecked the currency and economy by extension?
Mbok, it is not every time you are given a podium, you talk on some matters. At times, when you climb the podium and you look at the teleprompter in front of you and you see what they have written for you wey no make sense, you just do like you cannot see and just greet the people and drop for rostrum and go and eat your Amala in peace.
Focus my lord should be on the supply side. Shebi you all refused to attend thealvinreport.com’s session on the Forex crises. Come and see real pragmatic economists like the ever brilliant Tope Fasua and Jimi Ogbobine postulate.
Egbon the wahala is that we have to earn more dollar not devalue anything. Push as many of our people out there in the short term to shore up diaspora receipts, reform the real sector, create more efficiency and incentives including tax rebates and other such things to export facing industries, redouble efforts in maximising efficiency in the export processes and create better environment that would attract more foreign investments and then you will see that the exchange rate will begin to find its true value as the supply side begin to shore up.
As long as we continue to rely on a mono product revenue base and borrowings to stabilise the economy, we will continue be hearing these kind Amala talk. Can never work sir. Make we all siddon dey look o, shebi na Nigeria we all come.
KEMI ADEOSUN: A WORTHY REVISIT
I don’t even know what led me to go and think about this elegant lady o. You know I can be funny at-times. I will just be sitting down and all of a sudden, my mind will just wonder. That is how my mind wondered to this lady. I surprise sha, cos I will ordinarily not just be thinking about her when the mystery behind the Tiwa Savage Sex video has not been unraveled and all hands are on deck to make sure that I get an invite to the premiere of the tape if it ever happens.
Anyways, that is how I said let me even check up on my lady and see what she has been up to these days. That is how I stumbled on some very interesting information. So apart from consulting which brings her in and out of the country quite regularly, she is deeply involved in a charity called – ‘dashme.’
This caught my attention and I dug in. Apparently dashme is a charity platform that provides essential stuff for the needy. So, she serves as a bridge between donors mostly in the UK and US who offload essential stuff towards the needy using the foundation as a platform. In fact, she is planning to expand the scope from the Lekki area to other parts of the country.
This is quite remarkable not only because of the simple nature of the idea but its effectiveness without any noise, making me want to say welldone ma.
Furthermore, I also found out that she is also consulting on ‘Tax credit construction projects’ that should see the delivery of two major expressways in the country. This is apart from consulting for a foreign government as part of a former ministers’ forum on health and finance. Quite impressive.
HERBERT WIGWE: LET’S DO IT
Now, this is my putting this gentleman under very strong pressure. That is my life, once inspiration comes, I must push because the thing no dey last.
In this my short life, I have written about eight books if I am going to count the Coffee Table book showing images from my phenomenally successful play Aremu, which was written by Prof Ahmed Yerima. The book itself sold out. I had also written my memoirs when I turned 50 and which was launched by highly respected Chief Emeka Anyaoku and Her Excellency Mrs Onari Duke. That one too has been totally sold out, I am looking for it to steal sef, since I do not even have a copy.
Anyways, that is how I sent out a broadcast asking my followers on social media who I should write on since inspiration don come, but this time na confusing inspiration.
I was torn between writing about my life in Albert Okumagba’s BGL and writing something on Herbert Wigwe, so I asked people to vote.
Mbok, almost by eight votes to two, people wanted me to work on Herbert. My senior sister, Her Excellency Mrs Onari Duke, even followed with a quote ‘Edgar, the inside outside – the working title- with his permission and cooperation may be quite interesting.”
Another brother, Yemi Odusanya followed thru- I would support the writing on Herbert and would make a contribution to the content- I just weak. So, I forward everything to big daddy and he says he will call.
Look, Mr Herbert don’t be looking at me as small writer o. Come and see my latest book ‘Anonymous Nipples’ has sold thousands of copies and I am going to submit it to the people that are doing Nobel Prize so that they will consider it for the next round of winnings.
An independent look at the life and endeavours of such a character is very compelling and sits within my vision of telling compelling stories of our people-hence all these huge theatrical expositions.
By the way, did you see Awo or Aremu? Maddddddd.
KEMI ADETIBA: SCREEN GODDESS OF LIFE
I don’t think she even knows but we are distant cousins from our mother’s side. Her mother Mayen Adetiba is my mother’s cousin from their mother’s side. They come from one village in Akwa Ibom called Ibeno and Aunty Mayen was the first one to give me a job as a stockbroker.
I can safely at this point say that everything I am today is cos of Aunty Mayen. That time when I just enter labour market, they will be giving me GMAT test to be doing and I will be failing the thing. She now called me to come and do interview at Unex Securities by that time, I don tire for all the written tests, the thing was giving me bad name.
I say ‘Aunty, mbok kpong mi’ meaning Aunty leave me. She said go and try yourself, stockbroking is about to explode. So, I took my borrowed suit, the one my father used to wear when he was working at the Post Office at Ebute Metta and went to see Dr. Chukwujama.
That one said it is oral and I killed it and the rest is now history. From that one interview, I became a stockbroker from there Investment banker till Nicholas Nyamali come sack me 20 years later. Anyways, I thank aunty.
Today, the gist is on my long distant cousin Kemi and what she is doing in the industry. Her King of Boys and what she did on Mo Abudu’s Wedding Party have become a threshold for cinematic quality in the industry.
Me, I don’t really watch all these movies because xvideos will not let me be o. It was beautiful Charis that said watch King of Boys. Just watch it. As I don’t like annoying that one before she stops taking my calls, I watch am.
Wow. Is all I can say? It was the second one I watched. Although I felt, the lead actress, the Shobowale woman was a little bit contrived and ‘put oniish’ the whole thing reeked of quality and class. I simply marveled and to say that I was madly impressed is an understatement.
So I called Charis back and said, ‘Na my sister. I swear na my cousin. Her mama and my mama be cousins. I swear dem come from Upenekan in Ibeno. Na her Mama dey carry me go lesson when dem never born Kemi. Go check am. Nice one sister, let’s do lunch one of these days.
RAYMOND DOKPESI: WORSE OF POLYGAMY
High Chief in a report during his last birthday celebrations says he regrets polygamy. This statement if true has killed me. These are the people we are looking up to, our mentor in this waka and here he is saying this.
How can polygamy not be sweet? What in life does not come with challenges even the only one woman you put for house if not careful, you will wake up and see your head at Sabo bus stop and be begging LASTMA to help you bring am come meet you at Ikeja General Hospital.
See High Chief if it is true, you must retract that statement because it is your matter some of us look inspire and enter the waka o.
That is how my great uncle when at 76 wanted to take on a new wife and they asked him why, he said, ‘You people should leave me, see Joe, is he not on the matter’ and our great Aunty ‘Mama’ of blessed memory said, ‘You no dey shame, how can a 76-year-old man like you be looking up at a then 38-year-old misguided Joe for an action’ he say they should leave him that age has nothing to do with wisdom.
So, he went ahead and married his new bride who was in her 20s then and has been living happily ever after.
Please let me shout it out very well, NOTHING DO POLYGAMY; na as you lay your bed so shall you lie.
If person go marry ‘wanchoro’ as only wife, wetin he see na wetin he get. If you marry like King Solomon and God bless you with the best you will live long.
Examples abound, Alaafin of Oyo. Can’t you see him specs. Can’t you see the colour combination, the peace of mind and you think it is agbo that is making baba to still be doing boxing at over 100.
Mbok, be like say, we will remove High Chief from our roll of Honor o. Leave Polygamy alone.
TIWA SAVAGE: NO MORE SEX
She recently announced that somebody was threatening to release a video showing her having sex. Mbok I die. ‘Mkpa’. I want to convene National Conference to discuss this thing. What is Buhari doing in Imo State with that kind trouser when he should be calling a National Council of State meeting to discuss this matter?
How can Tiwa be having sex in the first place? Please someone should come and hold me before I break my car windscreen from jealousy. So Tiwa is having sex? With who? With who? ooo are you sure he doesn’t belong to a proscribed terrorist group and if not can’t we push his name inside so he will be exiled.
Tiwa, if there is any body you should be having sex with, it is me o. Me o. Duke of Shomolu and nobody else. Since this matter came out, I have not eaten. I have been walking around like a ghost. Different people with different worry.
There she is worrying that her ‘pom pom’ will be exposed and people will be seeing how she is screaming during action, see me hear dey cry that one other lucky man wey no even get voters card is the one on the matter.
Please, this kind of pain I have never felt. I feel like deposing myself. Which kind yeye Duke. Is it to be carrying dreadlock up and down and shouting Duke when my dear Tiwa is out there doing video. I have failed. I failed humanity, I don’t deserve to be honoured by the United Nations. I deserve to be canned by the Islamic scholar in Kwara. Mbok, send me the man’s address he needs to flog me.
Ohhhhh mbok, my Tiwa. Ohhhhhh the pain. Jealousy have killed me. Helppppppp!
RENO OMOKIRI: HIDDEN PROFESSION
Be like say this bobo don sell phone for computer village before. I am telling you a lot of us did things before making it. Look let me tell you my own. I sell bread for Shomolu when I small. Yes na, when my father lost his job at the then Cross River State owned Mercantile Bank and could not get a job on time, we sold bread to survive and na me hawk am.
So, after we come get money again, when I got to University of Ibadan when I am working with my girlfriend the very beautiful Toyin and someone shout ‘omoni bread’ in a bid to buy bread, I will automatically turn my head.
Then my baby asked one day when the thing don too much, ‘darling, did you sell bread before’ I look the mumu. ‘me? She say yes you. I say I swear on my grandfather’s grave, I have never even seen Agege Bread before talkless of selling it. You know it’s only slice bread I eat. She say ‘yes darling, I know you are butter’ I kiss the mumu.
That is how anybody that yab Reno, he will compare the person to phone. One lady asked him to be sugar daddy he say why when I have iPhone 13 at home that why will he come to iPhone 1 at home. I laugh I want die.
Another woman say ‘ohh Reno chase me when he was in government’ Reno say why, that she is Nokia 3310. I swear this man sell phone for bridge. Kai.
If not, how will he have all these details. Bro Reno oya confess where been your area of operation cos be like say the time, I was hawking bread, I used to see someone at Onipanu with your kind of head o. Kai. Lol.
DUKE OF SHOMOLU, PRAY FOR ME
Yes, I am kinda scared. Woke up this morning to a text from my brother in Qatar. Joe, I just had a bad dream about you. You were being attacked. Please, be careful.
Coming a few days after my friend Patrick called to say, he had the same dream, I am kinda worried and afraid.
Me, I don’t have power for all these kind thing and Patrick say I should be doing fasting, that one sef will kill me before the attackers come.
Mbok let me ask you guys to pray and fast for me by proxy cos these times are really not joking in this country o.
Mbok make una leave me with my porn and afang o. Thank you.
ODUNOLA ONADIPE SHOW THY BIKINI
If you know Odun very well you will scream at this titling. She is one of the primmest- if there is anything like that – people I have met. An erudite business manager and strong woman who continues to lead in some very clear and principled manners.
But I have heard something that is why I am asking her to show her bikini. I have heard that she has joined a team to establish a world class beach resort somewhere in Ikare.
When I heard the gist, I asked so na for this insecurity I will now carry myself to Ondo State because I want swim. They laughed and said no jor. That this Ikare is off the shores of Lagos. A peaceful and sun-soaked beach along the shores of Lagos.
Wow. I was sworn to secrecy. They told me not to even mention that the ting will be opened in December this year. Me sef, I am swearing you to secrecy as you are reading this. If you talk and them catch you hope you have Mike Ozeokhome’s number cos I hear na only him know how to release bread distributors. No just call my name o.
