BUHARI, Don’t Be Afraid

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Muhammadu Buhari

They have reported that the president said he was disappointed with the Nigerian Police and when asked what he would do to the IG of Police who is reported to have completed his required service period, he was said to have remarked that he will soon take action and that he is watching. My lord, nothing to watch just do what you have to do. We cannot afford any kind of uncertainty at that level. If you are taking him out, do it TODAY or let the man be.

We cannot afford any kind of uncertainty this period, a few weeks to elections and with all the wahala that is going on in the country. If you ask me for advice, I will not answer simply because I have malaria. But seriously, be like say you dey fear small my lord. As I read through the report, I cannot but stop to snicker feeling that this is one decision oga wished he could give to Tinubu just like the campaign wahala. Saying that the people below are ambitious and as such one has to be careful in taking this decision in my mind be like style style fear. Kai, my lord you remain the Commander In chief of the Armed Forces, former GOC, retired General and conqueror of the shoeless wonder from Bayelsa.

This should be a very simple decision. So let’s not delay where are we going sir. Is the IG staying or is he leaving? If his colleagues got extension, then he should except you are looking for a replacement from Shomolu. I wish you luck as you get ready to do the needful and for the IG, let’s talk I get solution. Let’s go to the Cherubim and Seraphim people, they say they are burning one million candles for Buhari, we will not need so much. Only 100 candles will be enough and matter solved. Let’s talk my brother.

ROTIMI AMAECHI – I See the End

Mbok, I really do not envy my brother, Rotimi Amaechi, at this point. First with these tapes that Reno has released and then the court decision nullifying everything APC in Rivers state and before I forget the appointment of Tinubu to lead the campaign, it looks like the demystification of the man is complete. Kai, how are the mighty fallen? Amaechi is now in my books as irrelevant as they come and to rub insult into the wound may no longer get access to the free lunch, he used to have with the president. Or if na you , you go still dey chop with person wey yab you like that? You see, no matter how the presidency or even Amaechi himself tries to clean this up, the point that the center no longer holds within the inner caucus of the ruling party has been established. Amaechi in those tapes at least the part I listened to showed a high level of frustration at the president and his policies. The question to be answered at this point is why he is even still in the system? If I were the president, I will show him the door o. Simple! At least this one is not service chief and the only troops he commands na the ones under Tonye Cole and with what just happened in Rivers, what value would he be bringing to the table again na. Poor Amaechi, it is over. Retirement calleth thou, back to the creeks and a life of anonymity as a fisherman or may be Nollywood actor. Pele.

ASIWAJU BOLA TINUBU – NO, NO, NO!

This is not what was discussed and agreed. My lord you cannot throw this decision at us. We no gree and if nobody will talk, I will scream. That night when we met, it was agreed that we will have a bolder Buhari, a better prepared Buhari and a much more engaging Buhari. So how this decision of throwing Tinubu into the equation came about beats me. All this our inner cabal people who are cowardly coming to me to complain secretly are just the main problem. I have told them that If they cannot face you and tell you the truth, they should stop disturbing me with their tears. But my lord, how did you arrive at Jagaban over and above people like Adams with the beautiful wife or Amaechi? – Oh that one the tapes did him in. But then again, Tinubu is not the one that has the ticket o. Tinubu has not ruled us for the past three years so how will he answer questions bothering on governmental actions or inactions? My lord, I beg you to reconsider, no be so dem dey do election na. Let us even give you the benefit of the doubt because as we sit, we really do not understand the expectations or terms of engagement of this new position given to my lord -Jagaban. So we would hold our breath. But let me ask, is it a salaried job, does it come with a car loan and medical? Will there be any kind of appraisal and does it involve foreign travels? So maybe we should hold our horses until we get some more clarifications. But let me state it here very clearly upfront- if you need our support, we need to see you, hear you and feel you. No hiding behind the Jagaban, Ko le werk !!!!!!. Thank you Sir.

AMINA ZAKARI – The Duke Takes a Position

You know I can be wise like the biblical King Solomon. I used to fear that over-wisdom will not put me in trouble one day o. But at a time like this I usually thank God for imbuing me with the level of wisdom he has given me. So when a delegation of Retired General Overseers of Pentecostal Churches paid a courtesy call on me in Shomolu this matter came up. I was asked for my position. Well after downing a fresh bowl of afang with fufu prepared by my maid – the duchess is on strike in solidarity with NLC on this minimum wage wahala – I took in a deep breath and came up with the wisest decision ever. Amina should step aside. Simple. I am placing my decision simply on the premise that she does not have the required complexion to lead such a sensitive national assignment. How for the life of me would a dark lady be allowed to collate votes? How will she collate the votes well? You see, for this kind of sensitive task, a light-skinned and very sweet-looking lady with a melodious voice should be used. So that as she is announcing the results on TV, we will all be concentrating on the voice, the sweet eyes and the way her lips will just be announcing the votes that way there will be peace and all candidates will not dare to contest the results.

You see wetin that Orubebe man did the last time, do you think if it was Cossy Orjiakor or Genevieve Nnaji that was announcing votes or even that legislator who shouted at DSS when they captured the National Assembly he would dare? Mbok, they have said Buhari na uncle, father, suitor and ex-boyfriend. Her people have denied all of these claiming that she is from Jigawa and that Buhari only came to their house only once to borrow money and to also see if he could get starch for his military uniforms. To me, all that no matter, the woman just no get the physical requirements for the job. That’s all. When I finish, come and see the way these pastors clapped for me and were shaking their heads. The leader of the delegation, proclaimed that ‘truly there is no wiser man in the whole of Nigeria’ and begged that I should help them beg that albino boy Freeze to slow down on his campaign against the payment of tithe. I vexed and walked them all out of my palace. What effrontery! Freeze keep on the pressure.

 

REV SAM ADEYEMI – Just Go!

Ok, I have to be very careful here o because I am not sure of the source of the gist. But I will still talk abeg. I have seen a report that says that this gentle and amiable pastor has stopped collecting tithes in his church. Like I said, I am not sure if this story is true because a man cannot deliberately remove food for him mouth, Freeze or no Freeze. That said, let us assume that the story is true, then the great man should not just stop at this but should immediately appoint auditors to look into the books of the church with a view to making refunds to the ‘gullible’ parishioners and also stepping down because he would have lost credibility. Abi how you want explain am again? If someone has for all these years been preaching on something and on the back of that thing which he is now agreeing was wrong doctrine built this huge empire, corralled billions and ‘fooled’ people, he cannot just draw the line and say it is enough na. Abi, can a doctor who operated on your liver instead of your kidney now say sorry? Let’s continue next time I will be more careful. My people help me put mouth in this thing na. I pray the story is not true because if it is, then I will lead a movement in the court that would ask for reparations from not only this pastor but from all of them. So my dear Adeyemi, please if you are thinking of stopping Tithes, DON’T just continue and be looking for Bible portions that will justify it because if you just recant kperen, we are coming o and we no go take sorry o. Na refund, exile and castration we go dey push. We are on standby.

DINO MELAYE – Prisoner of Conscience?

This Dino can be making shame to be catching we his followers abeg. I am very reluctant to proclaim him a Prisoner of Conscience because this would put him on the same scale as Nelson Mandela and Etubom Rex Lawson. Those ones when they faced arrest, they stood boldly and with heads held high they stated their position. Even the world-famous alleged kidnapper Evans did not show the kind of cowardice that Dino has shown, you see the way that one stand and be facing camera and be talking boldly and confidently. This our senator will go and be looking for trouble and be singing abusive songs, abusing everybody and be jumping up and down like he is a Jagaban and when the small arrest come, he will faint and be crying like baby looking for breast milk. Mbok, me I don tire for all these games abeg, I will soon renounce my followership of the man abeg. Abi who wants a leader who will be crying and begging for oxygen in small arrest? So he cannot be me, when EFCC came for me, as they walked in, they said are you Joseph Edgar, I said yes. They said, you are under arrest and I said can I see the warrant. The man politely showed me the warrant and I said ok, two things: let me piss first and let me call The Duchess. They agreed. I went into the toilet hoping that the window was opened so that I could jump out and run to my mother in Uyo but unluckily the ‘idiots’ had just put burglary proof a day earlier. So I came out and called Duchess, sent her a picture of the arresting officer, got meal times and made sure that my Afang was delivered to me all the time I was there. So all these rolling for ground, jumping out of moving vehicles and shouting my BP and not being able to stand trial because of malnutrition is nothing but empty cowardice abeg. If you know all these, then don’t be looking for trouble. You don’t have to be as vocal and combative as you have been if you no get mind abeg. You can be a sleeping senator like your other colleagues and life will be sweet. Mbok, stand up from that hospital bed and go and face your fate like a man. Enough of the childishness.

 

BABATUNDE FOWLER, WELL DONE!

They say you have collected over N5trillion in various taxes for last year. I did not hear this on time, because if I had, I would have come to hug you at Alibaba’s last show. Yes, I was seated two tables away from you and was tying my Akwa Ibom wrapper seating with the Duchess and a member of the British Royal Family. The man even asked me who was that chubby man with glasses over there; he looked important and I said that was my brother Babatunde Fowler our Tax czar. If I had known I would have said, the man who raised N5 trillion. But that said, I will still recommend you to the Queen of England for a knighthood. You truly deserve it. I have watched you from the sidelines and have seen how you performed in Lagos and how you have replicated same at the centre. You have really shown that we can do it if we truly set our minds to doing it. well done, when you are less busy you can come over to Shomolu for a plate of Afang and Yemi Shodimu’s Palm wine. God bless you sir.

MURI OKUNOLA: NO COMMENT

When some things pass you, you keep quiet na. So please I really beg all the people calling and asking me to comment to let me be o. Even this one pass me o. Head of Service? How? Where? But like I have said, I will not say a word. I wish my brother a fruitful period in office even as I pray that God in in his infinite wisdom will lead and guide the young man aright as he embarks on this journey through a mine field that is the blueprint that was designed by the lord of Bourdillon and that has made Lagos the best city in the world. All quiet. Let’s move on. Next.

 

SHEHU SANI – TALES OF THE HAIR

Shehu-Sani

The sweet and amiable senator has come out on his Facebook page to beg Nigerians to beg the very beautiful wife of the Kaduna State governor to leave his hair alone. That she has been going on and on about the hair. Me I don’t blame her o, the hair is ugly. I don’t even know the name to give it. The thing looks like it wants to fly and with a small stubble at the front doesn’t do justice to the senator’s good looks. My brother it is looking like the hair is what made us lose the APC ticket. I tell you, you will not believe and the babes at the Ahmadu Bello University are also complaining. Please just try and cut the hair, it is really masking your very handsome face. That style is not reigning again. It was the legendary Art Alade who popularized it in the70s during the famous Bar Beach show but now he don go. Even Ben Bruce don cut him own only you cannot be stuck in the 70s. I know a very good barber in Surulere – Jatto he is very good with this kind of archaic hair. Pease reach me privately and I will give you his number. Na only N1,000 with all those bumper allowances you get at the Senate, that should not be a problem. Thank you, my lord, as you heed this advice.

FUNKE AKINDELE – CONGRATULATIONS!

Funke Akindele

We here in Shomolu have received the news of your delivery of a set of very beautiful twins with glee and happiness. Within the next few days, I will release an official statement on this matter and declare two work free days to enable us join in the celebrations. We remain very loyal and committed to your continuous growth both personally and professionally as you have continued to bring joy and laughter to our dreary lives through your performances. It is in this regard, that we will be naming four streets after you, your husband and the twins in Shomolu all near the canal. When you are ready, kindly send your official birth certificates of all four of you because I still have to take the request to Alausa for approval and even if we don’t get the approval, it does not matter, at least I have tried. Pele. Well done and God bless many more twins coming your way, the prophets have seen it. Bye.