Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu: Where is the Party?

Loud Whispers

with JOSEPH Edgar

I have just been told that you would be celebrate your 65th birthday this week. How time flies; it was just like yesterday when I crashed your 60th at the Eko Hotel. That night, I had smuggled myself into the  Banquet Hall where the party was taking place and walked briskly in like I was governor of a far flung state. I had so much fun that day because of the way I mixed with the high and mighty who had come to celebrate your birthday. This year, immediately the news got to me, I rushed to your Ikoyi residence where I met a small crowd waiting for the party.

I stopped across the street and observed very carefully, activities that we’re going on in front of your house. Sir, I counted six policemen, 12 LASTMA, yes that is what we call them, 14 men with bald head and 16 women with different kinds of wrappers waiting at your doorstep. I hear you would be 65 this year, a very ripe age especially at these times when the recession foisted on us has lowered our life expectancy. Well, as one of your rabid supporters, I want to use this opportunity to wish you well sir. May God continue to guide and protect you. May He allow you to live long and see what I will become in this country and may people like Sowore not ever come near your house for they bring nothing but negative energy.  On hindsight, just maybe we should invite Sowore to this our party especially if we take into consideration the embarrassment our Ahmadu Bello University Graduate(?) almost caused us in the not too distant past. Anyway sir,  this is your birthday so let us not spoil the mood. Congratulations sir and once again, I ask where is the party? . I am asking gently now o. Nobody is answering me o. Hmmmmmm, I am asking jeje now o, ‘where is the party o’  nobody should deny me my right to this party. I will not take it kindly. So for the last time because I am beginning to get upset, ‘where is the party?

Kemi Olunloyo : Silence of the Lamb

Will I say she is my friend? Well, I had met her once at a party in Ibadan and we spoke a little bit about some of her controversies. In the last five years, Kemi has insulted and humiliated so many prominent people. One was even beginning to think that she had immunity from prosecution the way she labelled people as thieves, prostitutes and low lives. From the highly revered Pastor Adeboye, to the illustrious Actor Jide Kosoko who she was alleged to have accused of killing his wives. Kemi was on a free-ride hurling abuse and leveling all sort of outlandish accusations against public figures without a care. At some point, her ex-governor father was said to have come out to apologise to one of her numerous victims. I used to think that she was immune from being sued and that everybody was scared to take her on. She carried on like the medusa brandishing her own kind of wicked journalism which involved hurling invectives without a care.

Surprisingly, she was thin-skinned and could not take half as much as what she was giving out. I had once written an objective intellectually critical article about her brand of investigative journalism which involved the use of uncouth language and outlandish accusations without any shred of evidence supporting her many frivolous but libelous written tirades. She did not find it funny as she immediately sought the attention of my wife to report her discomfort and dislike of the article. I was surprised, this was a lady calling people out almost on a daily basis, yet could not handle the slightest of criticism. She has finally met her golgotha. She has been remanded in Port Harcourt prison for some weeks now on the order of a court in Rivers State. Apparently, she had in her usual manner posted some unsubstantiated accusations against a Port Harcourt based pastor based on some post she received from a perceived member of the church. I heard she is being held on the new cyber law. Much as I would want to laugh and say, she finally met her nemesis, I would want to plead on her behalf. She is my wife’s friend and activity in the other room has dried up since her capture. I want to send a fervent plea to her captors especially the highly eminent pastor to temper justice with mercy.

Kindly assist us in releasing Kemi, aghhhhhhhhhhhh, she is a small girl and an internationally recognised investigative journalist. Though her activities in the recent past leaves much to be desired, she is still a mother and friend who will definitely change for the better if immediately released. Nobody, not even the great Kemi would come out of this kind of experience without it changing her. I am using God to beg, kindly let us release her, hmmm man of God. Don’t vex again, me too I am suffering the consequences of her continued incarceration. I am not getting my usual daily dosage because of her plight. God will bless you sir as you consider my plea. Do it for me. Thank you.

Bolanle Austen Peters : A Whole New World

This very beautiful lady continues to win garlands in her chosen area. She recently opened her exquisitely designed modern theatre facility called the Tera Kulture Arena in Victoria Island. Bolanle for sometime now has continued to bestride the theatre world like a Colossus. She has dominated the space leaving the rest of us behind and making us feel like a bunch of admiring Lilliputians. As I walked in that glorious Saturday evening, I could not but marvel at the vision and the power of dreams as shown within this nicely put together shrine. It is a fully air-conditioned theatre style ornament dedicated to the art, with a befitting foyer which I hear would be used as a restaurant just underneath the building. Perfect use of space, it will certainly be the basilica for the arts in the country and this in my mind would reduce the pressure on Agip Recital Hall of Muson Centre which up till now was the only purpose built theatre in Lagos.

As I sat to watch the production she had put together to break the hall, I could not help but imagine the energy and hard work she would have put in bringing this dream to life. As she sat not quite far from me with her supportive husband in a white designer creation watching her production evolve in a kaleidoscope of colors and sporadic movements, I could not help but imagine what was going on in that her pretty little head. Well sha, she remains my mentor and I will be giving her a standing ovation during my own production, Isale Eko come Easter. Well done Bolanle and may rain not fall on your parade. Congratulations my friend.

Habeeb Fashinro : A Serious Warning!!!!!!!

Now I want to send a strong warning to this handsome gentle man. He went to put his show, ‘Fela on Broadway’ same day, same time as my show, Isale Eko. You see how people look for trouble. This my egbon is a man I have always admired and could not imagine my luck when I walked into his Smooth FM premises for an appearance and stumbled on him for the first time in my life. A great personality and we struck a chord. We talked about his work on the Lagos at 50 committee and a host of other things. What he is doing at smooth needs to be commended. He is calming down our nerves with smooth music and brilliant analysis of our socio economic situation. I told him as much at our meeting and his foray into concert promotion has been quite phenomenal.

The last one at the Freedom Park saw me pulling off my shirt and prancing around the stage like a demented Roman soldier. Well done, egbon you are doing so well just that you should consider postponing this your Fela show, make he no go spoil my own. Everybody I have spoken to are talking about the show, even me your rival is thinking of going to see your own while allowing my madam handle my own and this is not fair o. I am a small boy beside you o.  Uncle let’s look at postponing your show, na school fees money I dey find. If you grant me this request, I will send two regular tickets of my own show to you. Well done sir, I truly really respect your acumen. God bless.

Omoyele Sowore : I Need Your Help

My brother let me first thank you for all you have been doing since you emerged in our consciousness. You have been a very strong fighter and a die-hard supporter of what you believe is true democracy. In achieving your vision, nothing has stopped you from pushing and fighting to enthrone what you think is the best and pure form of democracy through all sort of means including world class investigative journalism which has led in some cases to your being roughened up on the street of Ikeja. It is to this your talent that I seek your help. I have been having a running battle with my opponent in our quest for who emerges as the life President of our village meeting. You see some of us Ibibio people who have been in the Diaspora in Lagos for the past 40 years, have built a very strong and virile town union with strong financial  capacity. You see, the Presidency of this union comes with a lot of perks. Our President is not mandated to wear uniform, he can import his official car without paying duties.  Furthermore, he has security votes that will not be audited and his medical allowance is for life.

So you would understand the fierce battle that comes with the elections into this post which makes you the number one Ibibio man in Shomolu. I have held this post for the last 40 years and before me, my father held it till death which is also my intention. But my brother, wicked people have stood up to challenge me on my birth right which I must tell you is annoying. I have been born to rule the Ibibio people in the Diaspora in Shomolu and in recognition of this, I gave myself the enviable title of the Duke of Shomolu. But today, someone has stood up to challenge me and the way it is going, it is looking like the wind of change wants to blow me away o, hence my plea for your assistance. I suspect this my opponent is not a real Ibibio man, see, his mother is Kanuri making him half caste. He claims to have attended Uyo technical college but did not graduate and also like our friend, further claims to have seven degrees from universities all over the world. My plea dear Sowore, is to leave Dino alone. Dino matter no serious like my own. Dino is just a senator, one out of plenty, I am the life President of a strong group of Nigerians and any disconnect within our group will affect national cohesion. Please come and assist me, let’s look through his background with a view to ascertaining if indeed he graduated and even if he graduated, let’s look for any course he flunked so that we can discredit him. Kindly take this my plea with all seriousness it deserves. God bless you as I await your response. Sowore baba, na only you. Abeg let us rest.

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