Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

President Bola Tinubu: Elusive Statesmanship

During the week, I reached out to a top Lagos State Government official that I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years, and he exclaimed: “Duke, you are among those abusing Tinubu abi? I will come to Shomolu and beat you.” I responded by telling him to go ahead and that “I go beat shege commot for your body.” We laughed and agreed to share agbado and kulikuli one of these days.

You see, I have come to a very painful conclusion that our President does not listen, and if he does at all, he listens to a very tiny cabal of self-interest-driven goons who have control of a wider swath of brainless mob who see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil. The sycophancy is palpable and engaging to the point that all I have for Mr. President is pity.

I pity him because he is driven by these sentiments to severely miss opportunities at positive immortality. He is the best-placed Nigerian leader to reach epochal status considering his emergence to stand very squarely with the Abraham Lincolns, Mandelas of this world, but he continually misses the opportunity every time fate throws it at him.

See this Gbaja and Prince matter – allegations have been made bordering on serious improprieties, impacting negatively on his administration and a very key member of his inner caucus, pulling in his CBN Governor, his Head of Service, his Auditor-General, among others.

What a huge opportunity to grab statesmanship. He misses it once again by going “filial” – Oh, “I have confidence in my Chief of Staff, I have not made any mistake, and if I did, I know how to recalibrate, so all these must stop.” Oh, my God! I screamed. What was that?

You had already ordered a probe – brilliant, why not allow the process to run freely and independently, even if it means engineering it from behind? At least, let it be seen to be running for the optics. But no, instead of that, what we get is a new appointment for the main character after the reportedly presidential endorsement. Na wa o.

What would a statesman in his shoes do? Mbok, what would I do because I am already a statesman? I will give the accuser immunity, free access to legal counsel, set up a special panel of inquiry, ask the accused to go on suspension, assure Nigerians that we will get to the bottom of this, suspend top officials of the aforementioned parastatals mentioned, have a meeting with top echelons of the National Assembly, etc.

But my people, you see why I have lost all the elections that I have contested. Na this simple reason. I am too much of a statesman, and Nigerians no dey like statesmen.

In conclusion, it is not too late, Baba Alakara is the best-positioned Nigerian this century to attain the immortal status of true father of the country, and it all remains with him to assume it or continue to fritter it away on the table of prebendal politics. I have said my own; you can come and beat me. Thank you.

Peter Obi: Be a Man About It

War never start and this one has already been a chicken about it. Oh, I may not be alive to contest; they seized my car the other day. Please, someone should come and send this one to the school of opposition politics. He just doesn’t get the memo, and his unseriousness grates me to no end.

The other day, I was driving into Ikoyi and on the huge but dilapidated towers that make up Dolphin Estate – the dirty one o, you know there are two Dolphin Estates, one that is fine and the other one that looks like someone threw a bomb at it. Na that dirty one. You will see giant frames of Tinubu and Shettima staring at you as you hurtle along the road inward and outward of Ikoyi.

It dawned on me that this Obi is a joker, playing emotional politics. Who wants a crybaby in opposition? Who wants someone who speaks like a kindergarten teacher to come and fight this dispensation? I would rather vote for Sowore, who is more of a man.

Is he even ready for the contest? Where are his billboards? Where are his agents, structures, etc? The painful thing about all of this is that I believe very strongly that in a free and fair election, Tinubu will beat this one wholeheartedly, so I don’t even know why they are doing all these shenanigans as a government, except they see a clearer danger outside of Obi.

For me, Obi is distracting us and should just go and sit down. Thank you.

Nasir El-Rufai: Where is the Red Cross?

This man’s case is another stark reminder that in Nigerian politics, there are no friends but just very selfish goons who are driven only by self-interest and avarice. This same El-Rufai, who, without him, this government was already dead. This same El-Rufai that led the fight at the Supreme Court that gave oxygen back to the campaign. It is this same El-Rufai that is languishing as if he committed treason.

Is it not this same El-Rufai as governor that left everything to pursue and make sure Muhammed Sanusi II was freed? The same person who drove to that outpost to get him safely into Abuja, it is this same El-Rufai that cannot even see his doctor in peace.

Mbok, what is so dangerous about this man that he is in chains and kept like an animal by his “friends and colleagues”, and everyone is going about their business as if nothing is happening?

This Atiku cannot suspend his yeye campaign that is even going nowhere and fight for his release? This Peter Obi cannot do the same? And even our President cannot remember all the midnight meetings with him to say,  bro, you find my trouble but make I leave you, make we fight for campaign.

Why is the government so brittle? Is it not a war of words that the man has been fighting? Did he carry arms? Did he threaten destabilisation? Are his offences not bailable? Why all the humiliation na? It’s not fair na. Give him his bail, give him access to his doctors, protect his fundamental rights. He is not a fowl. He is a well-respected and well-grounded Nigerian who was only in the race. The humiliation is too much, abeg.

Please, let’s respect processes, human rights and dignity. This is the least we can ask for in this our caricature democracy. It’s too much, abeg.

Ebele Nwachukwu: History in Insurance

History was made last Friday at the iconic Oriental Hotel in Lagos. My sister Ebele Nwachukwu, who is the MD at Rex Insurance, assumed the first-ever female Chairman of the Nigerian Insurance Association (NIA). The NIA is the umbrella body of the insurance sector, and it has been around for decades, but this is the first time a female has emerged as its Chairman, and they pulled out the parade for her.

They blocked the expressway as hundreds of insurance operators left their jobs, jumped into their jeeps and headed for the venue.

The celebrant was looking resplendent, and her hubby was very proud as the full house serenaded her with speeches. Even my aunty who also just achieved history by emerging as the first female-to-female transition as chairman of the Chartered Institute of Directors Abuja Chapter, was there to make a speech. Brilliant Dr. Nneka Onyeali-Ikpe of Fidelity Bank was also there to deliver a warm message.

I saw so many insurance people, and they were looking good o. They have come a long way from those jackets and “tontiri” trousers they used to wear all over the place in the 90s, and are now very trendy people. Come and see Kunle Ahmed, immediate past chairman, Segun Omosheyin, their regulator, my favourite Tunde Fajemirokun, Ada Nwakuche and my sister Adebisi, formerly of Axa Mansard and many more, all looking like Hollywood stars.

Well done, Ebele and congrats to the sector on a brilliant outing. Wait, I didn’t see my brother, Dr. Austin Ebose. Wetin happen?

Babajide Sanwo-Olu: The Curious Case of Eniola Ibrahim

Your Excellency, it is on bended knees that I approach you this morning. It is the sad case of this young boy, Eniola Ibrahim. Eniola is a gifted dancer who ran into turbulent winds. He was convicted of rape and sentenced to life imprisonment at the Maximum Kirikiri Correctional Centre.

On a visit to the prison, he walked up to me and introduced himself to me as a dancer who had taken part in one of my productions, ‘Oba Eshugbayi.’ He told me his story, and you know in prison, everyone is innocent. But what has made me push for you to kindly consider clemency is the fact that this boy has served about 15 years, started school in prison and has led a cultural reemergence in the place and has shown sufficient remorse.

Now, I don’t know the details or what it takes to seek clemency or even a case review, but what I know is that he does not even have the circumstances to seek his constitutional right to appeal. Even the lawyer the Dance Guild of Nigeria sent on the mission didn’t even have enough money to charge her phone because, as we were speaking, her phone crashed.

Your Excellency, is there any way you can call up his file? I hear that you have not exercised your power of clemency and that it was Fashola who last did it. Your Excellency, as you come to the end of your very eventful administration, is it possible that you call up some of these files, if not for outright clemency, at least for a review?

This boy still has a lot to offer the nation, and he has really shown pertinence for his act. God bless you, sir, as you consider this our plea. Ino oni jo ile ishe o as your people will say o (fire will not burn your office o).

Ozonna Soludo: Muted and Renegade Activism

Ozonna is the first son of Charles Soludo, the Executive Governor of Anambra, but we have been seeing unverified information on social media where the governor is allegedly disowning him. So in writing this, I went back to research and asked AI a simple question: Is Ozonna Soludo, Charles Soludo’s first son?  It gave me this answer: Ozonna Soludo is Charles Soludo’s first son.

Now, why all these? Ozonna, in the last few days, has become a folk hero with millions swearing by him and promising to protect him at all costs. In fact, “we must protect our baby at all costs” is trending all over social media. So what did Ozonna do to push him to this level of infamy or popularity, depending on which side of the fence you find yourself?

Ozonna posted a video of himself in his usual weird costumes dancing to a song lampooning our leaders, including his father. The lyrics of the song are so direct and abusive. The singer will shout “shame on to…” name the leaders, and continue. Almost every top official from the presidency to the National Assembly to governors and even his father, Charles, were mentioned, and Ozonna danced his quirky steps to it. Social media exploded.

So maybe in retaliation, some people now started sending out a clip, claiming that Charles had disowned him long ago, but this has been put to lie because we have seen clips very recently of Prof dancing the quirky dance with Ozonna.

Well, as for me, anytime I see Ozonna in his usual shorts, earrings, rings, little white socks and Bongos Ikwue shoes dancing in his little garden, what comes to mind is that old British comedy – Some Mothers Do Have Em. Kai, Soludo don born this one, na gift to the struggle.

Nigel Farage: The ‘Ought’ in Politics

Let me tell you a story. Kai, this very annoying gentleman, was embroiled in a small scandal. He was accused of collecting a “gift” of  five million pounds from a businessman. He was taken up on it, and he resigned as Member of Parliament. But that was not all. He said, “Guys, let the people of my constituency decide, as I would be contesting the by- elections to fill the seat.”

Mbok, oya come and bring this kind thing to our National Assembly. Imagine yourself as an adviser to the Senator who was accused of sexually harassing a colleague, or the one who was accused of this kind thing and you, as an adviser, having read what Farage did, went to him and said – Sir, let us resign and go back for elections.  My brother, the slap you will get ehn, you will need an expert ENT expert at the national hospital to fix your hearing again. After that, you will be banished to the constituency office in your village, that is, if you are lucky enough that your father is close to the Village Head or you have a Nollywood actress sister who will unzip your Oga and make penitence on your behalf.

As I read this thing, I just laughed with pity at the British. If they continue like this, they will ruin their country and will soon be doing japa to our own country. This Nigel is a very naughty man, I tell you. Kai. He should come to our Senate for a quick internship. Na joker. Kai.

Brymo: A Sickening Recollection

Anytime this singer overdoses, he will just come out and speak crap. I just saw an interview where he was talking about sleeping with married women and even mentioned a top Nigerian act who pointedly asked his wife if she had slept with him.

What message he was trying to pass remains very blurry, as I didn’t see it. He looked very sleepy and drawling in his speech, and not really making any sense.

For such a talented act, this remains a sad train wreck. Brymo reminds me of the great Majek Fashek, whose personal demons drove him to an early grave. Huge talent at times comes with these kinds of drawbacks. Brymo is well talented, a piece of art and one of the most talented in the space. If you listen to him sing, you will scream.

If you think I am lying, just go listen to his ‘Alajo Shomolu’, and you will come back and slap me. Such a sad story. Kai.

Duke of Shomolu: A Birthday Orgy

It was my birthday last Sunday, and I had fun. But some people, despite all the afang I have supplied them, did not greet me nor give me gifts – let me name them. Davidson, the editor, Theo John Philips, Ken Etete, YIbo Koko, Donald Duke, Lami Adekola, Chike Ogeah, Segun Akintemi, so many I cannot mention all.

Thanks, however, go to so many of my friends who joined me in raising N5.4 million for widows, as I usually do to celebrate them on my birthdays. I was 57 years old on Sunday, meaning that I am officially old now and cannot be expected to be doing two rounds again. Thank you.