Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Kenneth Okonkwo: Slapstick Comedian

Okonkwo usually gets carried away during interviews. He often postulates as if he is in a Williams Shakespeare ‘Romeo and Juliet’ production. The way he spews words theatrically, one may believe that he is preening for an audience and not talking about serious issues.

Someone quipped in one of those busybodies WhatsApp groups that Nigerians are yabbing him now, that when he was defending Peter Obi, we did not look at him with the same lens we are using today. My response was that it’s the underlying principle that fetched such scrutiny.

How did Obi suddenly turn into what Kenneth wants us to believe he is all of a sudden? If Obi is truly this vile, then Kenneth is a very poor judge of character for selling the same Obi to Nigerians as vigorously as he did that year.

Today, the same opponent he railed against previously is now his beautiful bride. He is now showering the same beautiful words, the same robust gesticulations on the same people he had labelled as the worst pestilence that ever dropped on Nigerians.

It is no wonder that Obi is said to have slammed him with a reported lawsuit that could cost him N5 billion if he does not apologise publicly for defaming his character. He responded that Obi was looking for election funding and that he should have been honest and upfront about it instead of using a lawsuit as an excuse. He reportedly threatened to leak some damning information about Obi when he was spokesman.

You see what I am saying, no character. Not a man of good standing and not a man whose position can be relied upon. This is just another comedian with a wide mouth in politics. Next.

Babachir Lawal: The Grass Turned Brown

This one has suffered. Any small thing he says someone will bring up the grass cutter scandal. This is why we all must be careful in these things. The idea is not to be caught because Nigerians are not Jews. Remember how Jesus tried himself when he said who has not sinned, cast the first stone and all the Jews dropped the stones and walked away. If it were Nigerians he tried that stunt with, they would not only stone the person, but if he is not careful, they would stone him too.

So now ADC carries a “yahoo yahoo” primary that even a blind man can see was real ‘wuru wuru’ to the answer. Amaechi jumps up and shouts fraud. Hayatudeen shouts too, and immediately Babachir joins the chorus, the spokesman say he thief during cutting grass episode.

Mbok, is it that this man should not talk again because he cut grass? Who in this country is not a thief in the literal sense of the word? Even this mumu spokesman that is shouting “thief,” can he too thump his chest that he has not been corrupt?

This our country is a specimen, I swear. It is now a case of “who dem catch” because everybody, I mean all of us, if we are in the same position, will “thief” and that is the fact.

So oga spokesman, don’t use Babachir’s wahala to distract us – were the primaries wuru wuru or not? Simple question. Kai.

Well Done Davido

In the midst of all that is happening all over the world and the calming down of nerves in Nigeria following the rescue of the former ministers relatives, everybody seems to  have gone back to what they know best  – minding their business.

We seem to have even forgotten that over 40 school children and their teachers are still in captivity. The other day, one of the captives sent a message to say that some of us are complicating their matter with utterances and all of that.

The situation is still very dire and as I write, there is certainly no sense of urgency by the authorities to do something on the sorry sad situation. Instead, we are giving out cars to APC women leaders, we are inaugurating roads, we are arguing with former lame presidents whether they can contest or not and we are landing private jets on village roads.

This is why I am with my full chest thanking Davido who despite his envious life still has the presence of mind to remember those souls. I have seen a recording of his performance at the pre-World Cup concert in Los Angeles where he adorned a beautifully made jacket with the names of all the captives on it and where he also made some very strong statements about the need to return them safely home. This is why I have refused to release a single because I don’t want my own single to come and overtake Davido’s own- yes I love him like that and it is because of things like this that make me love him this much. Thanks bro.

Festus Keyamo: Road to Ogwashu-Uku

 This is why our governors don’t like building good roads. It is simply because Nigerians will be using the roads for other things. In some communities, they use the roads to dry pepper. Others even make love on it, thereby defeating the purpose of road building. So instead of wasting scarce resources on under-utilised or misused roads, the governors – or is it even local government chairmen – use the monies for other purposes

Anyway, that was how the people of Ogwashi-Uku in Delta State, after having been blessed with just one road since independence, decided to convert it into an airstrip.

The strip came complete with handlers – those men who wear shining overcoats and are directing the plane. This their own airport can only take private jets and recently celebrated the inaugural landing.

The jet was headed towards Asaba when the pilot was distracted by sweet-smelling roasted corn, which the community had set by the roadside to welcome landing dignitaries. Not one to miss an opportunity, the pilot quickly detoured from Asaba and safely landed on the tarmac/coal tar.

He then dropped from the aircraft, purchased his corn and coconut, thanked the community members, promptly boarded again and took off with prayers replacing safety equipment.

The on-ground staff at this particular airstrip are so passionate about their jobs and clients that we could hear them sending prayers and exhortations as the flight was taxing. “E don go? Jesus, Jesus, he don go, hallelujah, he don go,” were the instructions the pilot was receiving from control as he taxied.

My people, only in Nigeria will a pilot land to piss and take off again. I heard that when they told Festus Keyamo, our hard-working Aviation Minister, he asked for painkillers to numb the headache he suddenly felt. He has ordered a full investigation, and the Delta State Government has put a ban on the construction of new roads until they are all tolled because this would be a new revenue-earning stream for the state government. Na wa.

Mele Kyari: Wanted Dead or Alive

Oga Kyari has been declared wanted dead or alive. I would really prefer the alive part because the dead part is of no use to Nigerians. The Senate Committee on Public ‘something’ has told us that Baba has refused to appear before them, a whole nine times, claiming to be ill.

The committee is looking at how trillions were spent over a period, and Mr. Mele seems not to be very interested in attending, claiming Ebola and all sorts of medical challenges.

The committee seems not to be joking anymore and has asked that he be brought to their very presence either on a cane, in a wheelchair or in a coffin.

But Oga Mele has fought back, stating very critically that he had mentioned he was in Germany receiving treatment and, as such, he cannot physically attend the hearing and that he doesn’t understand the theatrics leading to him being declared wanted dead or alive by the committee.

Well, for me sha, anyhow, Mr. Mele should make himself available. He doesn’t have to be physically present; he can do Zoom or WhatsApp calls or any of these techy things because we are now a very advanced country.

It is very important that we hear from him on this matter, and nobody should say anything about death until we hear his side of the story. After that, he can do anything he wants to do with his life. Let him just come and talk. Thank you.

Zack Orji: A Frail Attempt at Activism

He reminds me of Michael Jackson with his white skin. Not sure if it is vitiligo that is doing Oga, but whatever it is, the man is not pitying himself. Someone who just came out of surgery, looking very pale and sickly, jumped on the road and started hopping like a frog in the name of “support for the government”.

I just looked at him with pity. What if he just falls down like that, they will now call us to come and donate again or be singing “till we meet again”.

How this whole setup is benefiting him beats me, because if it was, he would not be hopping like a toad and sweating under the hot sun for whatever reason.

If the man still has family, they had better go and hold down their grandfather before he trips and hurts himself. They said City Boys and not City Ailing Grandfather. His contribution is not felt and really not needed, so whatever reason he is doing this, it’s for his own pocket, and he had better go and pity himself and sit down. That was a very annoyingly irritating show, abeg.

VDM: A Different Kind of Activist

This man is known as VDM, a popular social media creator who has taken the country by storm. But wait, despite his growing fame and influence, traditional media seem to ignore him, as I hardly see them mention or report on him.

Anyway, social media has made him a god, and he, in turn, is basking in its euphoria. The other day, he went to war with Uncle Bayo, the presidential spokesperson, who goofed on an AI-created message. VDM went bare-knuckle in that encounter and came out victorious.

It is noteworthy to mention that VDM prosecuted this war while outside the country, leading to strange rumours that he would possibly be arrested on his return.

Well, that was how he returned during the week, and the reception he received at the airport beat that of El-Rufai o. El–Rufai had only about six people, and that is why it was easy to grab him by the neck. Even though he wriggled out, the point that you cannot be fighting the government and calling only six people to come and pick you up at the airport was made.

Well, VDM, learning from that, made sure that the whole of Gwarimpa market and remnants of the “fugees” in their thousands besieged the airport to receive him.

As he emerged, and from what I saw, barring that it was AI, the crowd erupted, shouting, “Our President, our president.” Basking in his adulation, he walked out with a t-shirt emblazoned – me, I don’t have power to repeat what was written on the t-shirt. If you are that curious, mbok just Google “VDM at the airport,” and you will see it.

VDM is a different kind of activist who seems to be standing against the system, even though there are elements within their system who still believe that it is all a ruse, claiming that he is on the government side. But whatever it is, he has created a momentum and let’s see where it will lead. Na here we dey. Thank you.

Mark Okoye: Inexperience in the Lion’s Den

This young technocrat is the Managing Director of the South East Development Authority, and some of my friends seem to think that he is being bullied by the more experienced Chairman of the Senate Committee on South East Development, the irrepressible Senator Orji Uzor Kalu.

They sent the clip of the Senate hearing to me, saying, “Edgar, you must say something. Senator Kalu of all people is railing about corruption, but see, he is not even allowing the ‘boy’ to speak.”

I watched the thing very carefully, and something stood out. He was accused of spending over N153 million on “a room” in Abuja, even though the headquarters of the commission is somewhere in the East. That for me stuck out. I did not see his defence, but what I saw was an adjournment of the sitting, not a word from the guy in his own defence.

You see, we cannot be supporting someone because he is “fine” or young or because he is seemingly being bullied by a bull who has been in power long before the boy’s mother was inseminated, let alone being born.

What I have seen in the reports so far is the massive allegation of renting that room and an uncomfortable positioning of other senators, including Senator Abaribe, who is a personal favourite on the spending nature of the commission under this young fellow. We have seen that of the N16 billion allegedly released to the commission under him, he has spent N3 billion without capably defending it at the hearing.

So my plea to my friends is for us to wait a little bit for the adjournment and for the committee to finish its work before we know how to jump into this matter. Like we say in Shomolu, calm down, NEPA never take light. Thank you.

OJB Jezerel: Remembering the Icon

OJB was the late iconic music producer who passed away from complications of a kidney transplant a few years ago. His story made national news as his first wife was the one who donated her kidney to keep him alive. There is really nothing wrong with donating an extra organ to keep the partner alive, but in this case, there were two women in the polygamous setting, and we all know how things are usually in those settings.

The first wife did not hesitate as she immediately submitted herself to the knife and gave her kidney. He went for the surgery, came back and started raising funds for other patients, and that was how we met.

I had grown an interest in raising funds for kidney patients who then had to spend so much on dialysis. I had set up the Kidney Trust Fund and got him to front it. We got a few institutions like UBA and AIICO to lend support, and we started raising funds for the patients.

You know how Nigeria thing dey be na, one thing one thing, me and OJB fight and I walked away. He, too, walked away, and the Foundation went comatose. Not long after, he passed.

I was just relaxing last night when someone sent me a pic of him and me at one of the foundation’s events, and I smiled. He was an iconic producer who had worked with such stars as Wizkid, and he was truly a lovely spirit.

I remember him with love as he gave so much to the nation, especially to kidney patients. May he continue to rest within the bosom of the Lord. Nice guy.