Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Bosun Tijani: Dodging a Stray Bullet

As all of you were fighting the Senate on the electoral bill, I was looking at the Minister of Communications and Digital Economy with one eye.

As far as I am concerned, that declaration by the Senate on their lack of confidence in the electronic transmission of results was a direct slap at the minister. For me, the minister should have been immediately summoned to explain why that was the case, despite the billions voted to his ministry on these things.

Tarry, I am not a mumu o, because I, like millions of Nigerians, know just the game that the Senate was trying to play with that position. Nigeria’s tele-density is one of the best in the world. We have a digital penetration that dwarfs all of the people who voted for all of that Senate. Look at the math, the lowest telco has more subscribers than every voter that voted for those people who call themselves senators.

Daily, we transact trillions on the same digital backbone (have you seen the Moniepoint report?) We spend N45billion daily on GYM, over N1 trillion on bread, and all of these and more are done by electronic transfer, and the Senate is saying they don’t trust that system?

Na wa, a backbone that whole sectors from aviation, health, education, marine and the rest sit on. How many people do JAMB and WAEC electronically and get results electronically transmitted compared to the number of people who voted Sanwo-Olu as Governor of Lagos?

With the huge voter apathy occasioned by all these “mumu” behaviour of our politicians, voter numbers are so low that one small Fintech can handle on their portal very easily. These ones who know what they are about to do with the election results come 2027 are now trying to pull the wool over our eyes. This is why I am dragging Bosun into the matter. He should have come out to say – aghhhh, I don’t know what backbone you are talking about o, because the one I superintend can do that and more.

But will the bobo talk? He will not, for obvious reasons, and you kuku trust me, I had already asked for his resignation a few minutes before the Senate shamefully pulled back and passed the right law, even with a “kurukere” caveat tied to it. Well, na here we all dey, we are watching. Thank you.

Rotimi Amaechi: Sons of Their Fathers

Some people know how to use style to pose sha. Rotimi Amaechi, seeing that Wike has been parading his stone-faced sons on the circuit, and the big fish’s son has also been parading about with a face cap and beard like Gaddafi’s son, also decided to throw his own son into the equation.

“This is my son. He is a doctor, and I brought him to treat any protester who needs immediate medical attention.” This turned the tide of the protest and made him central. The fact that the boy came empty-handed and was only prepared to give possibly the female protesters mouth-to-mouth resuscitation did not matter. He has a son. Not only Wike would be parading his own boys, he too will show us that he not only has a son but a very brilliant one.

Immediately I saw that one, I called my own son to get him ready for active duty come 2027. He did not pick.

I kept calling him, and when he finally picked up, he said, “Oh, so sorry, Dad, I missed your call. I was getting my latest tattoo. What were you calling for?”

I just gave up, this one is getting a tattoo when Tinubu, Wike and Amaechi’s sons are in the thick of things. Na so my own dey be. I just told him not to bother. I will adopt a more prepared son by the time I launch my senatorial campaign, before I go and bring a boy who will be distracted by Oshiomhole’s “AI” girlfriend and scatter my campaign. Thank you.

Ali Pate: This is Sad

We have just learnt that only N36 million was released last year of the billions that were budgeted for capital projects in the health sector, and this obviously impacted the ministry’s ability to improve infrastructure, secure much-needed health care equipment and, worst of all, secure counterpart funding since they could not come up with their own part.

Reasons given for this include budget shortfalls due to reduced revenue, among others.

So, when there is a budget shortfall, it is health that suffers while others are building monumental event halls in Abuja or pouring much-needed funds into moribund refineries, refurbishing the Vice President’s House, among all such inanities that we see the government do.

It is no wonder they rush abroad in the event of any small health challenge, from consistent headaches, through erectile dysfunction, to foot massages. Our leaders rush abroad because they see the reports and know that there is nothing like healthcare delivery in this country.

What will N36 million do in a country with over 200 million people and a doctor-to-patient ratio that is disgraceful? Can N36 million even buy a syringe in one federal health institution? God has to really punish some of these people. He should move away from making them fall on international parade grounds and start working with throwing in epilepsy and “craw craw”, so that as they are being feted by international monarchs, they will just be scratching their “yansh” in the full glare of the world. This is wicked, I swear. For Prof Ali Pate, all I have for you is pity. Kai.

Reno Omokri: Turning Facts on Its Head

One would have thought that with his recent appointment, this bobo would rest. But na lie, instead he has been everywhere, dressed like a Green Eagle fan and making more noise than ever before. His recent clip in which he dressed like a Super Eagle football fan and made a face like those ones do when we lose a match was more comedic than harrowing

This bobo always thinks that he is talking to illiterates in his Delta home state. That Obi’s bank had tens of thousands of failed transactions, and that if his bank could not handle that, why then would he expect INEC to rely on electronic transmission?

First and foremost, the bank is not Obi’s bank. Obi has left the bank and does not serve in any capacity for aeons now. Secondly, glitches are part of the process and banks, in most cases, resolve them in less than 24 hours. The digitally-sound Reno for some reason expects us to be relying on paper and a biro when we have seen some ballot papers so defaced that we cannot recognise them.

His careless talk, if not careful, could have led to a run on the bank and possibly risked the whole system. But thankfully, Nigerians don’t really take him that seriously, so that clip just passed through like a badly run skit.

Investigations have, however, shown that paddy has enough time on his hands because some of the countries he and his colleagues are to be posted to, like India, are refusing because, according to international diplomatic ethics, Ambassadors must not come when the sending Government has less than one or two years to go. So, what that means is that we now have “audio Ambassadors” on our hands. So to keep buzz, they will sew cloth, set cameras and talk crap to us. Na wa.

Oba Akeem Owoade: Back to School for Alaafin

As Alaafin no wan listen na, some of his princes have decided to go to court to enforce his upholding of the highly revered tradition of the Oyo people. Me sef, I don’t understand this Alaafin again o. One “wahala” after the other, the whole thing is beginning to look one kind. So, to safeguard the prestige of the stool, these very patriotic princes have resorted to begging the courts to help them before their King turns the stool into another thing.

This is what they have asked from the court – restrain the Alaafin either by himself, his servants, privies or any other person… from appearing at, attending, or continuing to attend occasions and functions which they claim are not befitting the status of a symbolic traditional head of the Yoruba race.

They asked for so many things, like stating that the court should declare that only the Alaafin can give titles in Oyo North and South, among other very obvious things that the Alaafin should have been told during his orientation. If the Alaafin had been reading his handbook or “employment” letter and abided by that, we would not have got to this stage.

Now it seems, according to these princes, that only the courts can help redeem whatever the situation is. Me, I like this move, but also interested in how they will enforce this one if they win in court. Will they now send the judgment through an Ifa priest, or how?

My own is that the princes in Ife should also consider this kind of move because “e be like say their own serious pass this one.” Kai, I don run o before they come and beat me. Na wa.

Ali Ndume: Lonely in the House

Ali Ndume is beginning to look like that one person that Lot was asking God in the Bible to save Sodom and Gomorrah for. Wait, I am not sure if it was Lot that was the one asking the question. You know I have retired as a Sunday school teacher for over 30 years now. Whatever or whoever, the idea is very clear. Ali Ndume is beginning to look like that lone figure in the Senate. We used to have Abaribe as another no-nonsense and strictly principled partner, but that one is now very, very quiet. Natasha is rabble rousing and just making noise for the sake of noise, while Ned is busy with his kindergarten wife and other troubles, so we don’t get to hear anything from him.

I saw a clip of Ali kicking against the removal of a House Chairman on something, and the supposed Chairman just sat down there. Ali stood tall, queried why he was being removed when what he had worked on was being deliberated upon.

Ali has been very strict and unyielding in his position since this particular Senate was inaugurated. I respect him because it takes a lot for someone to stand aside, especially in this season of anomie and with all the risks involved.

Well done, sir, truly well done. Nigeria will one day reward you. Just be careful and continue to stand for the poor man. God bless you, sir.

Robert Orya: Good for You

This one has been jailed for a combined 490 years, and I don’t pity him at all. He is the former Managing Director of the NEXIM Bank, and he ran a cartel in that place, which got me. I once had a client who wanted to set up terrestrial television in Nigeria. The old man was in retirement after spending the best of his life in the US. He decided to come back home to set up the project that would have created jobs and deepened all other indices o.

South Africa called him, offered him all sorts of incentives, but Baba from Bayelsa decided to come home instead. He landed at Orya’s NEXIM and got himself robbed silly by these people. All sorts of levies, back payments, etc, the man’s money finished.

They gave him an offer letter for $10 million and asked him to go and bring counterpart funding after fleecing him dry. That is how someone mentioned one very “sharp investment banker that can raise money”.

That time, I never get dreadlocks and was still fire in the business. That is how I went to raise N150 million for Oga to take to these people o. The money vanished. Aghhh, they made Baba take them on a trip to America ostensibly to inspect equipment inside this my money. They so dribbled this Baba, made him change some to hard currency for bribes within the system. Finally, money finish, no $10 million.

The next thing I see na EFCC and me inside cell o. Me o. Luckily for EFCC that time, I was not yet Duke of Shomolu with powers to disappear. They just put me inside cell for three days, and I cried like Ned wey him Regina don run away o. I cried for three days non-stop, even the man who arrested me come dey pity me: “Oga, stop crying na.” He would say, and I would reply, “Mbok, leave me ooo, is it your cry?”

Today, justice has been served. 490 years for the man who led that cabal of thieves. I don’t pity him at all because he almost made that poor old man commit suicide, ruined the man. The man lost his whole pension and has run back to America to live on alms. And me? Put me inside cell for the very first time in my life.

Let this case be a good example for people who find themselves in positions of public trust, because no matter how long it takes, the law can still catch you. Thank you.

Isaac Fayose: Truth to Bar Men

The City Boy Movement have carried some Igbo barmen into their cabal, and Isaac Fayose, the enfant terrible, is having none of it. He declared very succinctly that at $13 million, he was richer than most of these “Igbo barmen” who have sold out. He was very caustic that “Igbo people no like themselves.” He said so many things that “their brother Nnamdi was still in jail, and his brothers are wallowing with the oppressors,” then he added the clincher: “All these people, we don’t know their source of income, unlike me that you can trace mine from end to end. These ones are parading around with no trace to their source of income and betraying their people.” He ended by saying that “the Igbo man is his own worst enemy.”

One of the barmen has replied, and if not because of journalistic ethics of balance reporting, I no for bother put am here because my fingers dey pain me as I type. One of the porky barmen replied that he cannot fight for his brother in the opposition and that he knows what he is doing. He concluded that as for him and his family, na City Boy movement he stands.

Well, for the very discerning, we know that one of the basic tenets of survival in this kind of system is to play along, otherwise… So Bro Isaac, make we dey look. Thank you.

Alaba Owoyemi: A Different Kind of Investor

Alaba is not like the kind of big-time entrepreneurs that we are used to. For him, it’s not the klieg lights and the fanfare of giving and setting up audio industries. For a huge power expert who has worked in some of the biggest power concerns globally and in very exotic countries – America, Saudi Arabia, among others- he berths in Nigeria and at the huge Century Group, from where he was part of the team that berths one out of three FPSOs in Africa. An FPSO is a floating oil rig, to say it in layman’s terms.

He did not stop at that but went straight to his Ekiti homeland to set up the biggest agro-based industry that the state has seen. The company, A-Bamisil, plays the entire oil palm value chain, creating much-needed jobs and impacting not only Ekiti but states as far afield as Akwa Ibom.

What is making me hail them today is the fact that they just paid for JAMB/UMTE for so many intending candidates as part of their CSR.

This is more remarkable because, in less than two years since its inception and still battling with OPEX and inclement macroeconomic vagaries, it is not yet stable financially, but it can pull out scarce funds to do this?

All I can say at this point is well done. We remain very proud.