LOUD WHISPERS With Joseph Edgar

Omicron: Let’s Go and Beg
You know we like to brag. They have put us on the red list and some people are shouting we should take revenge. Revenge how? Mbok, our best bet is to go and beg o. Do you think those ones have not checked everything well? What exactly do we have to offer them again in this world? I hear 25 per cent of our people living there are on benefits. What is the total size of our economy relative to theirs and what can they benefit from us? Didn’t they call us ‘fantastically corrupt’?

Me, I am not emotional when it comes to things like this. We are currently in the third position on the COVID-19 positive list after Italy and South Africa upon arrival at Heathrow according to a recent graph k stumbled upon. People are taking off testing negative here and landing there positive. We all know why, so my people it is not to be doing gra gra, we are a risk to the world.

Our Oga at the top knows exactly where it pinches. If this ban persists, it will bite o; real hard and personal. Remember that is where he used to go and get enema periodically and to also check if ‘downstairs’ is still alert.
So, I think Uncle Lai should be drafted with those Benin women, those ones that know how to cry at other people’s funeral, and some Fuji musicians to shoot video – since they will not let them enter UK – begging and hailing Boris Johnson with the hope that he will listen and rescind the ban.
Seriously, I think we should stop our unseriousness. Even though I am also tired of this virus drama, our approach to the whole thing is a national joke. People are flying without being tested, not quarantined, just jumping into the country and doing their thing and we expect that other serious countries will keep their borders open because we have a lanky President with a strange love for toothpicks? We never start.

MTN: A POWERFUL ENDORSEMENT
Let me go back to my stockbroker background. This giant is selling 14% of its shares to the public through a huge public offer and with just a little over N3,000, Nigerians can get a share.
I have received a lot of calls from both former clients and new friends on my thoughts. I have told all of them that this is a BUY. The fundamentals are huge – strong growth potential in the industry, strong growth for the industry, strong corporate governance, good asset quality, strong revenue streams, provides a powerful ‘retail’ vehicle to enter a cash rich sector and, much more importantly giving Nigerians an opportunity to be part of this journey. So, it is a buy for me.

From my observations, there seems to be a feeding frenzy and the last time I saw something like this in the markets was when Dangote did its Initial Public Offering (IPO). I made money like a fish. I sold o.
I even convinced one big client who claims to have grown up with Dangote to buy through me. That is how sweet my mouth is. The old Indian man sef tire. He called his wife in and said, “Darling, I cannot believe that this boy is making me give him the cheque instead of Alhaji.”
Anyways, this is the kind of opportunity your grandchildren will ask in the future, “Dad, what exactly were you thinking of?’. Buy.

THE GAMBIA: MY CANDIDATE LOST
I have ties with the Gambia. One of my ogas there, Mustapha Njei is a very influential and powerful player in that country. He is Gambian but also a very huge player in the Nigerian real estate space.
In getting him to invest in our firm, Hamilton and George, we had to take a trip to his country.
We spent five days in Banjul, running around the beaches, savouring the sights and trying to compete with the young lads for the attention of the wrinkled old European ladies who flocked that part of the world for moments of illicit sex.
Gambia is a beautiful country. Very communal and they all eat rice from the same plate with plenty of meat in a circle.

So, it is no wonder that I had a small candidate in the race. My Oga Njei sent a video of a young candidate to me. He was dreadlocked and spoke very eloquently. I liked him. His arguments were sound and logic-driven although he lost me when the issue of a ban on cannabis came up. His approach to the economy, to humanism, to the relationships within and between societies, to international relations was on point.
He was an outlier and I connected. He campaigned in t-shirt and slippers and had the common approach which endeared him to the people.

People like this never win traditional elections in Africa. Too idealistic and will never get the support of entrenched interest. I knew he would fail but still supported him.
Njei got me talking to him on a video call and we really had very fruitful discussions. I told him about my dreadlocks and mentioned that even if he didn’t win, he still had youth to come back again and that me too will soon come out in Nigeria so that we can build a colony of cannabis that will stretch from the Gambia down to Akwa Ibom.

We bonded and his idealism really impressed me. Well, elections have been won by the incumbent as expected. Njei has recorded a broadcast complete with National Anthem exhorting Gambians to heed the call for national unity and I am here inviting my dreadlocked candidate to Akwa Ibom to my Ufok Ibaan so that we can strategise on how to take over West Africa with our brand of leadership.
I congratulate Gambia my second home and do really wish them well as they embark on this very enviable new journey. Well-done guys.

BUKOLA SARAKI: LOOKING FOR TROUBLE
That is how daddy flew into Lagos and gathered all the rebels and pushed them into PDP. They call themselves ‘Lagos4Lagos’ as if they don’t really know who owns Lagos. Me I have disowned them and will not have anything to do with them.

They are rushing to go and join this same Saraki as if they don’t know his antecedence. What exactly is he going to do for them? Please the real owners of Lagos are where they are o. They have gone to service their bullion vans, positioned their daughters in the markets and have rented a house in Kano to make sure that the 15 million votes they gave ‘lanky’ in 2015, they give him.

So Lagos4Lagos or ‘Idumagbo4Ketu’ or ‘worefer’ they want to call it will not take Lagos from those whose forefathers collected it from the British at the Tinubu Square.
This Saraki can sha look for trouble. That was how he was doing Senate President and was shaking tables. Now that they have thrown him out, he is now coming to Lagos to disturb us. Did we say we are not happy with our Emperor?
Mbok, he should leave us o. We are content and happy. We love our King and he will rule us for eternity. Na wa o.

DOWEN SAGA: I WAS BULLIED TOO
Not to rehash the gory story of the sad and unfortunate killing of the young lad Sylvester, I will like to point out the fact that bullying is a subculture in all of our schools. To stamp it out, we will need just more than all these social media rants and our mothers wearing black and going to sit at the gates of Dowen with wide open legs and singing protest songs.

Bullying is a rite of passage gone wrong. I was massively bullied in secondary school and I dare say that most people who attended boarding schools were bullied and still continue to date.
Me, they beat the ‘pangolo’ out of my head but was taught like Sylvester never to talk. You will rather die than point out who was ‘fagging’ you. You were a folk hero for taking the beatings and when you became a senior, you likewise mete out similar act to others.

They beat me o. I was nine years old in a quassia military school where it was obey before complain. They beat me o. Kai, they beat me o. I took all the beating and became a strong man. Even the principal will call us and beat us with koboko most times for nothing, just because he can.
So my people today, we have lost Sly, we have lost thousands of children and will continue to lose if a delicate and strategic offensive is not launched now.

We have to approach this thing in a robust fashion. Allow the police to do their work on this particular matter but then convene a serious session involving all stakeholders – parents, government, religious institutions, social organisations like – Man o War, Boys Brigade and the rest to fashion out very direct and implementable policies that can be monitored and enforced.
At least, this is not banditry where the bandits are ghosts that we cannot see. These are our children, our wards, our students and young people still under our influence.
This is our collective shame. But they beat me for Command o. Kai.

DAVE UMAHI: WHAT’S GOING ON
As expected, Nigerians remained shocked when it was announced that the abducted engineers on a construction site in Ebonyi State have all been murdered.
I was still reeling with numbness — you never get used to these things — when I stumbled on a letter written by the consultants on the project, Nelan Consultants to the African Development Bank where they averred that a day after the abduction of the engineers, they received a letter from the state government complaining about their absence on site.

God, what kind of insensitivity is this. If this allegation is true, then we begin to see the type of leaders we are serving in this country. No empathy, nothing.
It gets worse. The families and employers of the abducted engineers according to this letter only got to hear about their death in the media. No official notice from the government or any of its security agencies. They were buried without the knowledge of their families according to this letter that I am reading right now.

If all these and more which I am so ashamed to mention are true by any chance then this Ebonyi Government and its governor no try at all. Let me just keep quiet because it will not be wise to go off on the information I am getting from one side.
This is very very sad and unfortunate. Even if the government cannot protect our lives anymore, they can at least show empathy na. At least they don’t need a security vote or any budget to do that one. Wicked.
portunity.

AKAN UDOFIA: THE RENAISSANCE MAN
If you know him or have heard of him you will understand why I call him the renaissance man. His ideas and vision for this country and indeed Akwa Ibom State so align with me that you will think we sucked the same breast.

I hear he is in contention for the governorship of Akwa Ibom and still has the party primaries to cross and as such they have said, “Duke do not be seen as to be taking sides. At least, not just yet.”
My people I have not taken sides and will not take sides especially in an election that I may not even vote.
The point here is that the man sings my song. He talks about lesser government, private sector driven growth, attracting FDIs and basic market economic initiatives.

Akwa Ibom has all the ingredients for development. It has strong human capital, a lush array of land, above average infrastructure and a readiness to engage. The time for the grassroots leader is over, we must foster a leadership that will deepen the gains of Governor Udom especially in the areas of pulling in foreign capital as the basis for enduring economic development.

Sadly, we still long for the ‘bread in hand back for ground’ style of leadership. No, we should be tired of being violated by spurious leadership who will not push for sustainable development and the best way to go is less government. Push back the government and let private business arrowhead the growth. That way more lives can be touched through jobs and increased economic activities.
This is my position and Udofia is saying things close to these and this is why I call him the renaissance man. Simple.

ISKILU YEKINI OJO: OBASANJO ON HIS MIND
Iskilu is a passionate young man. He entered the competition I was organising to give out one complimentary pass to a young visionary for my weekend retreat with former President Olusegun Obasanjo.
Oh I did not mention, I am taking 50 emerging leaders to the Presidential Library in Abeokuta to spend three gleeful days with our Statesman discussing the nation and other pressing issues including foreign affairs, humanity and the rest.

It is a paid for session that will involve a beautiful train ride, tour of the library and a visit to the Olumo Rock with the highlight being four uninterrupted hours with Baba himself.
So, a lot of people have been registering to be part of it and I decided to go philanthropic. I asked for essays on the role of Chief Obasanjo in national development with the winning writer getting a free pass for the weekend.

Iskilu won with a beautifully written essay and since then he has been over the moon threatening to marry a new wife in celebration.
I write to congratulate him and to also send a very strong signal to Chief Obasanjo that from the profile of prospective attendees so far, this will not be a walk in the park. Baba start to read and prepare o.

HADI SIRIKA: LET THEM PAY
I was once in one big man’s office when he got a call. It was from one high profile Nigerian asking if the government will really carry out its threat on seizing their private jets.
After the call, I asked the Oga what was all that and he explained that a lot of our billionaires did not pay import duties on their private jets and that the government had taken a decision to seize them if they did not pay.

N30 billion is at stake here. Now the customs have moved in and we are hearing from reports that the aviation people are trying to frustrate this effort.
My brother Sirika abeg, shift. Let the ‘happen happen’ as our great Kingsley Mbadiwe will say. N30 billion is a lot of money right now for the government and anybody who cannot pay should have the jets seized. Mbok, don’t come and be doing big boy at our expense. This na why people like me are not doing private jets, it’s because of this import duty. So, if you want to stand, stand.
Sirika, stand aside and let the customs do what they have to do. I am in firm support of this one. Thank you

INI EDO’S BOLD STEP
I just heard of the good news. I have just been told that my sister has had a beautiful baby girl by surrogacy and they are taking her out on social media.
Please my sister, ignore the Pharisees and Sadducees. What do they know? This your bold step will empower millions of women who cry for the fruit of the womb but are afraid of stigmatisation hence their refusal to go this route.

I have had like three women; this year alone ask me to donate sperm for them to do this. Although I would have preferred to give them the sperm through natural means – missionary – they all have asked me to use my hand and bring the thing in a bottle to them. You see my life.

Seriously, when people like you come out openly to proudly announce this, it will really push a lot of women into finding a solution to this problem.
Congrats my sister and let me also give our daughter a name – Mayen is my own pet name for her. God bless you and our daughter. She is Akwa Ibom daughter. Eya.

EBOSE AUSTIN OSEGHA: A WONDERFUL OUTING
Anchor Insurance under my brother Austin had a wonderful year. Their figures tripled firmly, placing it within market leadership in their sector. It is for this reason that they rolled out the drums to celebrate.
The party was at the elegant Civic Centre and had the massively talented Patoranking as main act.
The place was filled to the brim and we all had fun. Austin came out like Lionel Richie and Madam was looking like Michelle Obama. I saw my other brother Osaze, the former Commissioner in Edo State who had a run-in with Italian authorities.

He gleefully told me that some Nigerians were just freed after the same harrowing experience he had with the Italian justice system which has been designed to ‘deal’ especially with Nigerians.
I saw my friend Fuyi with his very beautiful wife. She is the head of school of the Supreme Foundation in Magodo and as expected, we went into a deep discussion on this Dowen saga. She had a lot to say and what impressed me the most was her position on probable solutions instead of the usual Nigerian mentality of just complaining.
Well done Austin and the team at Anchor. Well-done guys. But food no reach me sha. No problem, I go revenge.