Woman Series: She’s Like My Daughter; The Language of Power, Control, and Toxic Mentorship

GUEST COLUMNIST

Udo Okonjo

I’ve never liked being called Mommy in business settings. Whether it’s a driver, a junior colleague, or even domestic staff, something about it has always unsettled me. I know it’s cultural. I know it’s often meant as a sign of respect. But over time, I’ve come to realize that it’s also a way of subtly defining power dynamics —of placing you in a role where you are expected to nurture, protect, but never truly challenge the status quo.  

It’s the same discomfort I feel when mentorship relationships cross the line into pseudo parental ownership. I have four children, and in our home, we encourage independent thought. We debate actively—about politics, leadership, and everything in between. No opinion is off-limits. My late father, a Federal High Court judge, shaped that mindset in us. I still remember a heated argument between him and my two mothers (he had two wives at the time). My siblings and I didn’t automatically take his side just because he was the head of the home. Some of us aligned with him, others stood with our mothers. He allowed it. And looking back, I realize that was a defining moment—it taught me that respect and deference are not the same thing.  

That’s why Senator Ireti Kingibe’s statement, “She’s like my daughter,” about Senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan struck such a nerve. A fellow Senator—a democratically elected official, a peer—framed as ‘a daughter’? In one breath, an entire career, an entire hard-fought political journey, was reframed as something requiring guidance, control, and correction. It reminded me of the way men in our communities say, “She’s our wife.” A phrase that, on the surface, sounds like a declaration of belonging but, in reality, often means “She has no rights.”

THE PROBLEM WITH TOXIC MENTORSHIP

Nigerian politics is built on godfatherism —a system where power is not earned but handed down through patronage. But what happens when the same suffocating model extends to godmotherism? When mentorship is not about empowerment, but control? 

Too often, I’ve seen women leaders mentor younger women only to expect perpetual deference in return. To expect them to remain daughters rather than evolve into peers. The moment these mentees assert themselves—perhaps grow in influence, find their own voice, or challenge outdated norms—they are cast as rebellious, ungrateful, too ambitious. The expectation is that they should stay small, obedient, and never outgrow the shadow of those who once guided them.  

But real mentorship —the kind that truly builds legacies —demands something different. It requires the humility to raise others up without feeling diminished by their rise. It means guiding but not gatekeeping. Leading but not lording. Nurturing, but never owning.

WHEN SENIOR WOMEN BECOME GATEKEEPERS

That is why Senator Ita Giwa’s recent remarks were equally troubling. In an interview on Arise TV last week, after rightly correcting the anchor for referring to Senator Akpoti-Uduaghan as “Senator Natasha” instead of her full official title, she then proceeded to repeatedly call her “that girl.”

That girl? A ‘sitting Senator’, a woman who fought a brutal election battle to secure her seat, reduced to “that girl”?

The dismissal was jarring, not just because of the casual belittlement of a fellow elected senator, but because of what it signaled to younger women watching: Even at the highest levels, women can still be diminished, disregarded, and disrespected—sometimes by their own.

What message does this send? That even in power, women must be “grateful” for their presence? That they must wait for permission before speaking up? That their authority is conditional?  

This is not about one woman. This is about the dignity of women in leadership. It is about ensuring that the strides made since the Beijing Conference do not take a backseat in a world where impunity has taken center stage. It is about refusing to let senior female leaders, knowingly or unknowingly, give permission for men to demean and undermine women.

As a lawyer, I have no interest in engaging in armchair legal debates about a matter before the courts—that is for the judiciary to handle. But what I am deeply concerned about is the message being sent to the next generation of women leaders. When senior women in politics fail to decisively stand up for decorum, respect, and fairness, they make it easier for those in power to treat women as second-class participants in leadership.  

Thankfully, a few women, like former Ekiti First Lady, Mrs. Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi and organizations like WIMBIZ, have addressed this issue with the clarity and respect it deserves. But we need more voices. More decisiveness. More women in power who do not hesitate to use that power to protect—not police—other women.

It is also encouraging to see Cecilia Umoren, a leading voice in Nigeria’s oil and gas industry, lean into shaping this discourse. In her recent International Women’s Day message, she raised the pressing question: “When will women in leadership truly be heard?” Her words reflect a larger reality—beyond politics, beyond party lines, beyond individual cases. They speak to a systemic issue where women are tolerated, sidelined, or gaslit instead of being acknowledged as equal stakeholders in leadership.

WHAT MUST CHANGE?

If we want more women in leadership —whether in politics, business, or any sphere—we must actively dismantle these toxic power structures. We must replace mentorship rooted in control with mentorship rooted in courage.  

– Women supporting women must mean just that —not women controlling women. We need an ecosystem where power is shared, not hoarded. Where mentees are encouraged to outgrow their mentors. Where mentorship is about expansion, not limitation.  

– Political leadership must evolve beyond the ‘family’ model. Women in leadership are not daughters or wives to be managed, accommodated, or spoken for. They are leaders in their own right, deserving of full recognition.

– We must challenge toxic language that infantilizes women. “She’s like my daughter” and “She’s our wife”must be called out for what they are: tools of suppression dressed up as terms of endearment.  

– We need decorum across the board. The way public officials—male or female—speak about their colleagues matters. Words set the tone for how women are treated in leadership. And frankly, many of our leaders need to learn the art of public speaking. This issue has shown just how lacking it is.  

THIS IS WHY WE DO THE WORK

This International Women’s Month, as we celebrate progress and highlight the work that remains, I am reminded of why we do what we do. For the past 15 years, through Inspired Women of Worth (IWOW) and more recently through the Power Woman Leadership Academy, we have worked to shift the conversation and raise women’s awareness of their true power.

Our mission is not just to place women in positions of leadership —it is to ensure that when they arrive, they step into those roles fully, without limitation, without unnecessary deference, without the burden of belonging to someone else.  

Because the true test of leadership is not in how much control you have, but in how much power you give away.

This is just part one. There is still much more to unpack. But for now, let’s sit with this:  

When will we stop treating women in leadership as daughters, wives, and dependents—and start treating them as the equals they have fought so hard to become?

•Udo Okonjo is CEO Fine and Country WA; Founder, Inspired Women of Worth (IWOW) & Power Woman Leadership Academy. She is also a transformative business leader, independent board director, Berkeley-certified executive coach, and advocate for women’s leadership, wealth, and legacy. As the founder of Inspired Women of Worth (IWOW) and the Power Woman Leadership Academy, she has spent over 15 years equipping women with the mindset, tools, and networks to lead boldly and shape their economic and leadership destinies. A Forbes Business Council member and sought-after speaker, Udo is passionate about dismantling limiting power structures, fostering authentic leadership, and ensuring women don’t just have a seat at the table—they own the space and redefine the future.

#PowerWomanSeries #HighImpactLeadership #WomenAndLeadership #IWD2025