How Osinbajo Sent Atiku Back to School
You see, you have to be very strategic in everything you do in this life. That is the advice someone close to Alhaji Abubakar Atiku should give him. You must learn how to pick your fights. You just don’t go and be poking trouble anyhow.
Look, I am an expert in this kind of thing. I know how to pick an opponent and also the terrain of the fight. So, for example if I am looking for trouble, I will go to people like Osa and fight him at the level of light-skinned women and their love for Akwa Ibom men. You see, Osa na Bini man, he just tall and dey speak with a heavy accent. He no fit play for that turf so I will decimate him.
But you went to look for a whole Professor of Law trouble on an issue wey ordinary customs officer wey go night school cannot comprehend.
Mbok, come and see the response that I saw in the papers. Osinbajo finish Atiku o. Is it in the flow, data integrity, the clarity or the logical sequence? It is that kind of letter that as you are reading it out, your fans will be shouting. Osinbajo show that he no borrow him qualifications o. By the time he finish, I start to ask, who send Atiku this kind message?
Mbok, Osinbajo wicked o! He just bully daddy, I swear. He be like say Osinbajo don dey tire for all the yabis he has been getting that he just seize this opportunity to just finish Atiku to send a very strong signal to the horde.
I swear, Atiku would need to converge a team of Harvard-trained scholars to respond to this one o. Make he no try respond himself o, he go get headache, I tell you.
Bro Osinbajo, it’s not good o. What was the matter about sef? E be like say Atiku go attack am on something about restructuring or something like that. I still dey laugh as I dey pity Atiku. Mbok pick your battles, go fight Masari or Ganduje, na your intellectual mates be that. Leave dem Osinbajo, abeg na different class.
THE GOMBE RIDICULOUS APPEAL
I saw the appeal made by the Gombe State Commissioner for Finance, Muhammad Magaji on this VAT matter. His humility and sincerity have gotten the better of me and made me want to consider a middle-ground.
In his submission, he had said that only three states in the federation are viable. He mentioned Lagos, Rivers and maybe Delta. I weak as he no mention my state Akwa Ibom, and look at me, planning retirement there. Maybe I should just siddon for my Lagos o.
Anyways, his position is that we should be our brothers’ keepers and allow for the status quo to remain so that other states can survive.
My brother, in view of the things that have been happening in this country to the contrary especially when it comes to the federal government style of doing things, this position of yours will be very hard to consider.
Brotherliness has been eroded, unity has gone down the drain and it is now everybody to himself. It is some of these policies that has made people start thinking of how best they can get a better deal in this contraption.
The fact that some of us will never support a dismemberment or the senseless violence that has come with agitation for separation does not mean that we all do not see the injustice that goes on in the system.
The federation has turned into a caricature legitimised by a warped constitution so weak that it allows for the continued ‘chancing’ of whole regions within the country. This, you will agree, is fuelling public angst and making people ask very real questions as to what exactly they are doing in the union. This is really not fair on the huge potential of the region as a regional power. This has thrown millions into poverty and helplessness. This fight for VAT for some of us is an intelligent way of seeking redress and rebalancing.
My honest take on this is, let all states collect their VAT and possibly send an agreed percentage to the centre which could now be shared out like una dey do the petroleum equalisation thing. This way, everybody will carry him papa name and those who can’t meet up will still have a buffer fund at the centre that they can use to augment.
Las, las, if Wike no gree, ask for a naval base in Gombe. Simple.
DNA WARS: THAT BOY CALLS YOU FATHER
It is a well-known fact that over 70 per cent of firstborns in Nigeria cannot pass a DNA test. This fact was revealed by experts in the field. You will agree with me that Nigeria is on fire right now as we speak. Men are waking up on a daily basis to see that the children they had nurtured and brought up belong to the gardener. Families are being thrown into chaos, violence is the order of the day and we are seeing a lot of trauma, hurt and pain.
Social media is rife with the paternity story of the OAP Nedu and his estranged wife. Reports revealed that the wife was quoted as saying that the man only assumed that the child was his own since they were married and that she never told him that the child was his. If I have ever heard anything as idiotic na during Civil War. Is this not enough to make the man run to the nearest bridge and feed himself to the sharks?
That said sha. My position is totally different as to how we should respond to this kind of wahala. Chinua Achebe’s Okonkwo readily comes to mind. When it was time to kill Ikemefuna, they took the boy to the bush and as he was walking, they gave the sign and one of the men slashed him with the cutlass.
Ikemefuna screamed and ran to his ‘father’, “Father, father, they have killed me.” Okonkwo the coward dealt the last blow and finished him off only to hear the famous words, “That boy called you father” and the man in him died.
Why are we men? Why are we strong if we cannot shield the poor innocent child who did nothing wrong but to have been given life by the wrong penis? Why should the child suffer? Why should the child suffer the notoriety that comes with such a labelling all of its life? Why can’t we be men and see that the ‘child calls us father’ and protect it from all the madness his circumstance of birth has thrown at him.
I, Joseph Edgar, The Duke of Shomolu will never carry out any DNA on any child that bears my name. I will never reject a child that has called me father. I will be man enough to handle my hurt or pain, be strong enough to fight my demons, lock myself in the room and cry my eyes out, work around like a zombie but will NEVER hurt that child.
This is why I am a MAN!
THE VAT WARS: NYESOM WIKE’S STANCE
His Excellency has been trending for the very right reasons. This is what some of us have been saying for a long time. In trying to achieve a much more equitable federation, we would have to be strategic and intelligent in approach. Not all these IPOB noise or the amplification of ethnic distrust and violence.
What Governor Nyesom Wike is championing is very crucial to the continued survival of this nation. The VAT wars are another look at restructuring of the federation. How, for the life of me, will collecting VAT which is a consumption tax be on the federal list? I just tire for this country and it gets all the more annoying when you see the revenue share from this thing.
So, some people who generate the bulk of the money get about 30% returned while others who generate a pittance get almost all of their peanuts returned. As if that was not sad enough, you ban the sale of certain things in your enclave for religious and other hypocritical reasons and the rest who generate the revenue from the same products get their VATs sent to you.
These are the things that lead to public angst, all these cries for marginalisation and the rest. It is absolutely wrong, a bare red-faced unjust system that makes a whole people feel like slaves in their own country.
I support an intelligent reworking of the federation alongside pre-agreed and legal lines that will ensure a just and deserving federation built on fair play and equity.
Nigeria go survive.
KAYODE FADAHUNSI – ‘AVAING’ A GOOD YEAR
Some people will not understand this topic now o. When they will be attending night school, they will not see that this is a powerful title casting. The man company na AVA and the man has just won the FMDQ Award for best transaction supporting player. You know say this is my space, Investment Banking, and I no dey joke with am o.
Kayode Fadaunsi is a mercurial character. He has, in four years, built a very influential firm that is taking the investment banking space by storm. We were together at BGL and even then, you could see his restlessness. He was eager to show what stuff he was made of. Even as a middle-level officer, he was also using his brain power and charisma to hobnob with the high and mighty.
Albert, those days will shout, “Kayode Fadahunsi, great man.”
Albert saw it, I saw it but I no gree that time because me sef dey look myself as a great man.
From BGL he moved to United Capital and then set up AVA that is today a signpost of what a brilliant mind can build.
In the past two weeks, I don jam am for eating joint. First Sunday, na Cactus he and his family come for breakfast. I was rushing to go to receive Chief Obasanjo and detoured to eat before I die. And there he was with his beautiful wife.
The second Sunday, I was rushing to Banana Island to drop tickets with an equally brilliant oil and gas expert, Olaide Hamilton when I started to stool o. Rather than killing my driver with afang-laced fart, I decided to branch Mike Adenuga Centre to use their facility and as you enter those kinds of places you will order food o. That is how I rushed in and said, “Please give me a sandwich and fresh orange juice,” as I moved towards the toilet.
As I came out, I saw Kayode again with his beautiful family. I went to their table and said, “Kay, you won’t come to Awo?” He said he will come. I greeted him, I congratulated him and told him that we were proud of him. He left and I went to my table and ate my food.
The skinny waiter brought a bill of N15,000 for one slice of bread, half tomatoes, one green leaf, and one slice of onions. I die o. I do an internal audit for the food. I regret it. Kayode don go. I used my week’s chop money pay and as I left, I swear for the French people, they will slap your President again. I swear.
CHIEF OBAFEMI AWOLOWO REINCARNATES IN SHALLOM MATTHEWS
By now, you all know that I produced one of the most important plays in Nigeria’s theatrical history. ‘Awo’ is my play, written and directed by Makinde Adeniran and currently running at the Glover Memorial Hall in Lagos. No come o if you have not already bought tickets; they are sold out.
When we first started, this young lad walked in with a pair of glasses and a head like onions.
“Edgar, this is Awo,” said Makinde.
“You drunk?” I replied. “Mbok talk better!”
“This is Awo,” he repeated.
“How can he be Awo na. Stop this play.”
This is a N25m production. How can you put this boy as Awo? This boy that has never nack before. Makinde say na Awo. I vex comot. Be like say this one is sex starved.
That is how last Sunday, ‘Awo’ came down in the form of Shallom Matthews. The same boy o. Come and see magic. This boy took on Awo in a way I have never seen an actor deliver a role. The characterisation, the voice, the positioning and the legendary Awolowo’s calmness. This boy killed the role. I ran to Makinde, hugged him and apologised.
Shallom Matthews is a sensation. People were crying, people were asking for DNA tests to see if the guy got Awolowo blood. Mad and exciting. I have never felt this fulfilled.
2BABA: HOLD DOWN YOUR FAMILY
It is when you push your wife to a point that you will understand the true meaning of Tsunami. A woman provoked can be a handful. 2Baba has not only provoked but pushed his madam and in response, she has gone on social media and unleashed verbal violence.
The whole of this week, millions of Nigerians have been discussing 2Baba’s scabies infested bum bum. The matter is complex and I will not waste my precious time to go into it here.
My advice to 2Baba is to be a man and hold down his family. His weakness is apparent. His wife, brother, brother in-laws and exactly six million Nigerians are daily tearing his family and washing very dirty linens in public.
Please, if Annie is still your wife and is in your house, go and beg her. Simple. It is not whether what she is doing is right or not. It is not whether you are wrong or right just stoop to conquer. Go and beg her immediately and stop all this disgrace that is tarnishing your image in public.
Look, me I know how to beg o. Duchess used to catch me o. She even caught me last week sef. I would just kneel and say “I am a sinner…” She would say “Swear with your life, you didn’t touch that ass” and I would reply “What do you want, a dead husband or a useless husband?”
My brother, women no easy. Dem complex but them easy to engage. You can marry all of them if you want; just be strategic. Read MKO Abiola’s book, you go see the strategies there. Fela married 27 and even after he died, some of the women say they will still marry him again. So, what is only seven wey you don give bele that we will not hear word again in Nigeria?
Please call Annie to the bedroom, stand naked and say “If I ever nack another woman in this life, make I die.” You will not die. God no be woman; He is very forgiving. I am a living testament. Please go and do the needful. This your matter is distracting us from the VAT wars.
BIMBO ASHIRU: A PATHWAY TO HISTORY
Someone once asked me, what exactly do you think Bimbo should gun for: Governor or Senate? I ask why him dey ask me, and he laugh waka go.
Mr. Ashiru is my egbon. I was introduced to him by Hon Chike Ogeah who is presently missing in action. Mr Ashiru has had a perfect career in banking. Some of us look up to him as we built a career in that field. From there, he moved into politics and has performed creditably well.
He contested for the governorship in Ogun State and lost to the incumbent but took it with so much grace that today his profile is larger than life. Currently, he is on the board of the behemoth Odua Investments. His people are pushing him towards another run at the State House. Others are saying he should go to the Senate. Whatever the case is my egbon just remember that you will always have a plate of Afang complete with periwinkle in my house waiting for you at any time. Just don’t come and ask for stew to eat the Afang with o.
FCMB: A DESERVED AWARD
I sha like to celebrate this brand. Na my alumni and when they are doing well, I must shout. My brother Diran is the head of their Corporate Communications and he will be saying, “Edgar, you are crazy.” I will be looking at that one.
Anyways, FCMB has just been awarded the Best Bank in Africa and the Middle East in SME Banking at the Asian Banker Middle East and Africa Regional Awards.
The bank was said to have disbursed over N100 billion through their FCMB Quick Loans platform. Wow! They say this is the second time the bank is winning the awards.
Shebi, I told them when I was there that na me be the problem. Let me do a ‘Jonah’, cast me away and you will see that the boat will steady. They took my advice and threw me into the labour market and today, the bank is one of the best in Africa.
I had a wonderful time while at FCMB, working with some very strong professionals, people like Olu Akanmu, Temi Popoola and even Oga Ladi. I must say my 15 months with them were my very best in banking.
Well done guys. Una get space make I come back?
OMOYELE SOWORE: MY DEEPEST CONSOLATION
I received his WhatsApp chat and at first didn’t know what was going on. Sowore sends a lot of broadcasts since he has opened a branch of his activism on WhatsApp. Me I don tire for the messages so I no dey too read am again.
Then, I saw the message that his brother had just been shot somewhere in Edo State. Arghhh. What a huge sacrifice he has been made to pay for his struggles. All I can say at this point is pele egbon me. God will give you the strength to bear this loss. It can’t be easy, my brother. Take heart.
TOPE FASORANTI: SILVER NOR GOLD…
It was his birthday during the week. Dr. Fasoranti is an Executive Director at Zenith Bank and one of the most brilliant minds this country has produced. Discussions with him always leave the listener inspired and in awe.
Last time I saw him was at the upscale Cactus Restaurant in Victoria Island and I walked up to him and said, “Morning, my Lord,” and he introduced me to his wife.
“Darling, this is that mischievous person I was telling you that wrote that book, ‘Anonymous Nipples’.” If you see my smile eh… I quickly say na me o.
Happy birthday and God’s fervent blessings and protection over your life sir.
FEYISETAN DOMINIC SOSU JNR: A BRILLIANT MUMMY’S BOY
When my mother passed, I was thinking of how to immortalise her. One year later, I am still thinking of the stumbling block that I didn’t think of when she was alive. So, my guilty conscience is flogging me like mad.
Anyways, that is how this young man has thought about a brilliant idea of immortalising his sweet and very beautiful Mummy, the elegant Caroline Sosu by organising an annual basketball tournament in her name.
Oh so sweet! He seized his mummy’s platform – The Caroline Dan-Anyiam Sosu Foundation to support youths and empower them by leveraging Basketball as a strong vehicle. With cash gifts for the winning teams and individual awards, Feyi is on the cusp of a great thing. Well done my guy.
Let me just note that he is of blue blood. His late grandfather was the legendary footballer Dan Anyiam who has a huge stadium named after him. Well done.
ASIWAJU BOLA AHMED TINUBU CAN I COME?
I am sure by now you will be feeling that I am not happy with you since I have not come around to visit you. My Lord, it is not true o. Some of us have been working with various Woli and Alagba Adura to make sure that you get well soonest. The horde of people visiting you has also not given me the opportunity to make travel plans. I hear the waiting list is long and I am wondering if they will even let you rest o.
Lord, please do not let people come and give you Covid o. They will wear masks to sit far from you and then remove the masks to take pictures so that they can show Nigerians that they are supporting you. It is very risky o. You know in your state, you need to be well-protected because even a smelly mouth can cause small complications.
Please, do not use these visits to show that you still have relevance. Your relevance is not in question but your health matters very much at this time. You must remain alive to come and fix this wahala you put us inside o. They say you are the mightiest strategist; oya do quick and well and come back to unravel this matter o.
After my visit, kindly stop all the visits so that you can recover faster. God will be with you, Jehovah Jireh, the God of Prophetess Esther, the God of Pastor Adeboye, the God of Oyedepo and whatever God that is Prophet Idumuje own will grant you speedy healing and future health in Jesus Mighty name. Wait, I am on my way. God bless you
