OBJ BOMBSHELL – How Not to React

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Olusegun Obasanjo

You see as I read my brother Festus Keyamo and Garba Shehu’s responses to OBJ’s latest bombshell, I just laugh. These ones just start. They don’t understand the strategy needed in handling a cobra like this baba. They need to go see my brother, the master strategist. Kai I have forgotten his name o – he is tall and like to wear black. He is a Calabar man, tall and fine small. Charles something – yessss Charles Otudor. He needs to sit Keyamo and Garba down and teach them strategy, because what I am seeing here is amala strategy in response to the Hiroshima baba unleashes every six months. Responding and saying that baba has AIDS or is suffering from dementia and blindness does nothing to the crippling effects of his letter. Look everybody has abused OBJ since his 16-page attack. From Asiwaju, to Balarabe Musa and even Tony Momoh has woken up in Auchi to put mouth but none of them has addressed the issues baba has raised which remain very critical.

What is the official position on his allegations against INEC and the sundry issues he raised? Yes, baba stole $16b power money, he betrayed Adekunle black scorpion and stole his wife. He even walked naked from Ota to Shomolu and he must retire because he is expired. How all these address the issues thrown up remains to be seen. The man will just take his time, write poison and choose the right time and place to drop his bombs to maximum effect and as usual we will all be scrambling to be abusing him but the baba has done his own and gone back to his farm to eat ewedu and do bend bend sleep if he still can do it without a care. Even appearing at the Council of State meeting to do open prayers while laughing at us as we scramble to Yaba Psychiatry to unearth his file. See if you ask me, the best way to handle baba is to just ignore him. Anytime he sends those letters, we all just ignore and continue with life. That is all. He enjoys all this attention and all the abuse does nothing to him but keeps him in the spotlight. So Keyamo if you ask me, better run to Prof. Wole Soyinka who is a sworn enemy of baba and let that one carry the fight so you can concentrate on sealing the holes in this our sinking ship. By the way is it true that baba has scabies in his bum? I never hear that one yet in response to his pertinent letter. Na wa.

ELECTION DEBATE – BUHARI RUN, ATIKU DODGE
Me I was never interested in that debate simply because it has no effect on the outcome of the elections. The people who will go out there to vote do not understand the big English they will blow on the podium. Instead they are all nestled in their various motor parks and caves drinking their paranga and kaikai after receiving their trader mon…….. sorry stomach infrastructure. But this time we were all really interested in the debate because it looked like the President and Commander in Chief would be on the rostrum and also our American returnee was flying straight to the debate.

Kai, I was nestled at the serene and exquisite Resort in Ogbomoso with my friend and partner who wants to go to the House of Representative – Oyelami Adekola enjoying my life when the time for debate came. Mbok, I left all I was doing o, jumped on my laptop and began watching Channels TV o. One by one, they started coming out. It was first the Lilliputians in their Sunday best with Fela Durotoye looking very handsome in his all white ensemble winning the award for best dressed. But wait o, where did they get the Oyinbo moderator? I am sure it was to get a balance before we start to have another Amina Zakari wahala so we went to Libya to get a non-aligned moderator. But as the man dey talk, dem give am note say Buhari is not coming again o and Atiku don vex. Kai, which kind of country is this one na? Common thing like debate see all the drama. What pained Atiku the most was the fact that he had planned to branch the south of France for a small relaxation before coming back only to be rushing down, take his bath and wear new Agbada with perfume, brush teeth and swig small brandy all so that he can come and ‘attack’ Buhari. Now Buhari no show.

So did we now expect him, former Customs Boss, former VP, former OBJ errand and whipping boy, husband of Titi and Jennfer and others not declared risking a date with CCT to come and be debating with motivational speakers? He just call Saraki, common let’s go. That is how the debate end for me sef. I just look at the 30 girls wey Lami want to use as polling agents and say this Nigeria is not worth this sacrifice. So a whole President we have paid salary to for going to four years, cover him medical bills, give am free house and also pay for him food and holidays, say he too busy to come talk to us and then the one wey say him better pass am vex walk away come leave us with people who come debate with CVs for pocket, then why should I come and t kill myself? Nigeria is not worth dying for. Thank you.

ATIKU’S ABUBAKAR AMERICAN TRIP – THE REAL STORY
You see as someone who has access to the inner workings of the Atiku camp, I am proud to say that I am very privy to the real story behind the trip. As they say on CNN Backstory, It all began when at one of our meetings, it was mentioned that this our oga’s inability to enter the US in the last 12 years would be used to devastating effect during the campaigns if nothing was done. There and then it was agreed that by crook or not, the trip must be made. We agreed to use Melaye as decoy to distract the police. So when they were sending their best brains to go lay siege to his house, we were perfecting the plans. Please note that all 6,000 officers who went to lay siege at Melaye’s house all passed the police officer cadet course in flying colours abi you no see the way they moved in like those American SWAT teams we see on TV. Even when Melaye come out and see the shakara, he quickly faint. Mbok today is not for Melaye, na Atiku.

So we agreed to fly to the UK first and then send our own fake Atiku to the US to test the waters. Our own Jubrin .You know how you walk thru a minefield, you will first throw stone and if it explodes, you don’t go near. As we speak, we have not seen the first Atiku we sent. But I suspect he crossed into Mexico to go stay because between Atiku and Buhari, he no see hope. Well, we were not going to give up. We continued the plan. We invoked the spirit of our ancestors to advise and guide us . So we moved in a convoy and took off. Inside the plane, Atiku could not eat.

The fear was too much, what if the plan fails, what if the immigration man who was Ben Bruce landlord and who he was still owing some rent become funny? Atiku was not that comfortable at all, at that point he began to query the sanity of the trip. In fact, the sanity of the whole presidential race o. Is it not better if he went into lecturing on the culture of the Fulani-Herdsmen or containing of Boko Haram instead of a possible encounter with CIA? The guy can decide to be funny o. But trust Oloye, his confidence level is something else. He say, no shaking there is nothing that cannot be negotiated no be greenbacks. That is how we landed in America o, with Atiku in hooded top covering his bald head just in case.

This Atiku can fear, as we approached the immigration, he started to fear and shake. That he want to piss, that this presidency thing is not life and death, that he does not trust OBJ, that Owu Baba could have called CIA. By this time, Saraki don vex, that if Atiku continue like this, that he will run away o. Can’t he be a man and just keep a straight face na. Saraki pass, Ben Bruce pass, two others pass and then it was Atiku’s turn. By this time, Atiku don die. He start to cry, the immigration man say hope no problem. Saraki just jump in say, na him grand uncle and that he cannot speak English that they should ask him all the question. Oloye, you know is not today, he answer all the questions confidently and boldly. You see the way the man become Senate President as a member of APC using PDP senators, the open eye na first class. After all the procedure they stamp Atiku in. Atiku just before they enter the keke Marwa for Washington hold Oloye and look him squarely in the eyes and say, Oloye you na M C Oluomo. Kai. Thank you. To be continued. Come afang summit and hear the conclusion.

 

DR. SHINA FAGBENRO – THE DARK HORSE?
In my estimation, Dr. Fagbenro of KowaParty if properly guided could be the dark horse in this contest. Kowa party unlike the other fringe platforms remains the most structured and widespread. This better positions him and his party to gain from a fallout of a likely implosion from the big two parties. Now whether this would throw him into the presidency is what I really doubt but the possibility that it could put him on the table is very real. I hear him speak regularly and I see him quietly criss-cross the nation, seeking support and you see a determined being. He was at the debate even though he was not allowed to climb the podium, this has not waned his push. I root for him not because I see the presidency on him but because I see a major positional play from the run he will make this time. So guys watch out for Dr Fagbenro of Kowa,

THE DUKE OF SHOMOLU PAYS COURTESY CALL ON GOV. OKOWA
This was supposed to be a well-packaged and rehearsed visit to His Excellency, Dr. Ifeanyi Okowa. The visit was aimed at discussing bilateral issues and forging a strong cooperation between Delta state and the people of Shomolu especially in the areas of rehabilitation of single women in Delta State. So in my entourage was world-famous Mudi and ace photographer Joshua. Joshua is a veteran photographer who has practiced his profession with the legendary Peter Obe. So that was how we landed in Warri and immediately headed to one joint to eat starch and banga soup with a complimentary Edika ikong by the side so that I could feel at home. As we ate, the signal came that His Excellency was waiting. We immediately proceeded to his lodge tucked somewhere in Warri.

As we approached the gate, one nice policeman emerged and asked us what and who we were. We immediately showed him the Shomolu Coat of Arms and played the Shomolu Anthem which was written by the late Inyang Henshaw and must be played before any introduction of the Duke is made. At the end of the five-minute song, and a small salute by all the Akwa Ibom policemen on duty who were seeing their Royal Duke for the first time in their lives, the policeman at the gate which I am sure was a Cameroonian gendarme because he did not recognize me announced that only Mudi got the security clearance and the rest of us would have to wait outside.

I tried to contain my anger, Okowa!!!!! Okowa!!!!! Refused to see me, the Lion of Shomolu not Bourdillon o, the 662nd in line to the throne of her Royal Majesty The Queen of England and a distant cousin to field Marshall Idi Amin Dada of Uganda. I told them to play my National Anthem so that I can make a dignified exit. After the song, I looked at Mudi and said, to him what my brother Fashola said during his Senate hearing that ‘May your loyalty not be tested’, let’s go. Mudiagha Enajomo Clement looked at me and said, The Duke go wait for Hotel, I dey come, make I go piss inside Governor’s Lodge. As at the time I write Mudi still never come out for Okowa Lodge. Need to see Fashola for advice on how to handle this severe test of my loyalty by this Mudi. Kai, Okowa disappoint me – in tuface voice.

 

MUDI AND THE UGHELLI PROJECT
What took me to Ughelli this week was the reconstruction of the strategic Post Office Round about in Ughelli North by influential Fashion Designer Mudi as part of activities to mark the 25th anniversary of his brand and 50th birthday. So this event took us to Delta State which afforded us the opportunity to feel the pulse on the ground regarding the coming elections. So as not to colour the activity with politics which will not be fair to Mudi, I will say little on the matter. Let me just say the status quo in the state looks like it will be maintained.

Well, we visited the palace of the Ovie of Ughelli. A kind gentleman who gave me Kolanut and N500. From there we paid a courtesy call on Chief Agofure, the billionaire owner of Agofure Motors. He was so unassuming and humble, giving us advice on community development and the need to remain very philanthropic especially at these times.

On the day of the event proper, we were up and ready. The structure itself is a huge edifice that collates into a mighty, magnificent bronze casted statues of three Urhobo figures dancing to a beat only they can hear. His Excellency Senator (Dr) Ifeanyi Okowa and his very beautiful wife, the First Lady of the state were on hand to cut the tape. Assisting him were very prominent sons and daughters of the land including the scion of the legendary Ibru Family, Oscar Ibru, former Minister of the Niger Delta Ministry Dr Steve Oru and of course, His Royal Majesty the Ovie of Ughelli.

Mudi in his speech, thanked the governor for accepting to come and open the structure, stating his reason for the project as his love to give back to his community, empower the youth and create jobs. He further averred that this was chosen over a huge party celebration that was the norm in our society these days. His Excellency in his own response thanked Mudi very well and used the opportunity to call on other well-meaning sons and daughters of the community to also emulate Mudi and stated his government’s willingness to partner with such deserving citizens on projects like these that beautify communities. After which he cut the tape and I ran back to the airport, hungry don kill me.

Fela-Durotoye

SAINT FELA DUROTOYE
When they introduced him on stage, he walked out in this very clean white outfit looking and reminding me of Pastor Chris Oyakhilome. He looked very fine o and for a second there, even me I thought he would have mistaken the podium for the church pulpit. As they asked him the first question to tell us his profile, the man just look into the camera and shout: I have trained 20,000 leaders, give job to another 10,000 and have like 60,000 followers on instagram and another 100,000 on facebook. Na the qualifications to be president be that o. You see, I have been very harsh on Fela’s candidacy simply because to me, he personifies the seriousness of our generation.

Immediately after the debate, I rushed to get Tony Blair’s biography especially the way he threaded through in berthing the New Labour Platform. What could be more conservative than a British institution that is over 100 years old? But he and his people had a vision of true change. They prepared themselves, went on tutelage, understood the system and when they felt the time was ripe, they caused their revolution. They did not achieve this by going thru the shortcut and be wearing white suit and be going to Facebook and be collating ‘likes’ from people who are liking the picture of the suit or hair style and who do not have PVC. Can you just jump on a plane and start flying because you have a vision or because you have hope? All these kind people with no experience, no understanding and no base are all wasting our time and just jumping into the fray wanting to rule 180 million people just like that make me angry and they always end up like he did on that podium that night motivating only themselves. Let’s get serious please, this is a very important country and not a kindergarten gathering. Fela wake up and smell the coffee.

THE TRAGEDY OF THE SODJE BROTHERS
We have seen reports of the conviction of this footballing family in the UK. Three brothers, one of them even who played for our country at one of the World Cups being sent to jail for pilfering monies from their charity. Monies meant for the young children of the Niger Delta, they were just cutting cheques for themselves living the life. Today according to the judge, they have disgraced their family and nation (?). Na lie, they no disgrace the nation o, na themselves they disgrace. We are a nation of very honest people and these kinds are in the minority.

For me, all these our prosperity pastors are at risk when the time comes for true accountability. Or how else can you explain these guys living like Hollywood stars without any visible source of income except being GOs like say them dey go learn that one for school? Time is coming, very soon our GOs will start sweating when them ask them simple question – what is the source of this Rolls Royce? And them go say na from tithe, then we go see if Jesus will come down to do surety for bail.

 

FESTUS KEYAMO – HAPPY BIRTHDAY
So I even senior this my brother, because he big and get small belle I will be respecting him not knowing that I senior am sef. But the man has made his mark whether you like his style or not and we are all very proud of him. He has raised the bar. After all President don write am letter for him birthday. My own this July we dey see if the Local Government Chair go write that is, if them never impeach am by then. Keyamo is today an enigma and a colossus who at a very young age forced himself into our consciousness with the single-minded and almost fearless approach to advocacy.
Don’t let me talk too much before they say I am now APC. I just want to say happy birthday my brother and remember no matter how this turns out, win or lose, you remain a huge colossus and we respect and fear you. Mudi show me your house for Ughelli abi na Warri. I see am. Well done.

AL MUSTAPHA FOR THE AFANG SUMMIT
You see the man is bold but would you expect less from him? Former Intelligence officer, national James Bond and chief bodyguard of the greatest ruler ever, the dark goggle-wearing supremo. You see when I heard of this candidacy, I wrote on this same column. I yab the living daylight of the paddy. I call him a waste of time and begged his running mate my brother Chief Opara to go and get SME Loan to start a hatchery somewhere. Well as it is, they have sent in a signal that they would be coming to the Afang Summit with 12 Strong delegates to take all our questions and probes.

I don admire the guts because the Afang summit is usually a very ‘terrible’ place for candidates who come not prepared. Ask Dr Shina Fagbenro who after all the grilling could not eat his Afang again, he just eat the meat and drink palm wine go. So Mustapha and Opara ticket is coming to the summit to take our questions and eat our Afang just before they commence their national rally.
Well, trust me na, I will keep you guys posted. Already the interest this has generated is unprecedented with people signifying interest to come from all over the nation. Me, I won’t ask question o, because if I open my mouth gbege go burst. I will just eat my Afang and be looking the man.