Loud Whispers
My office has been inundated with petitions from a lot of jobless Nigerians complaining of the shooting of the latest version of Big Brother Naija in South Africa. To me, this recession has made a lot of Nigerians touchy or why would they be disturbing themselves with this kind irrelevant wahala? I am preparing an official position on the matter but awaiting my lunch date with the Minister of Information to streamline our positions before I fire it out. You see my people before I meet with my egbon Lai Mohammed, let me state here categorically that as a private enterprise, they reserve the right to shoot their programme anywhere they want to without even telling us the location.
This is a purely business decision. I am beginning to lose my patience with all these funny distractions. So all these musicians who go to South Africa to shoot their videos must all be arrested since they have not been informing us of the location of the shoot. Look, let us stop embarrassing ourselves, I would not even shoot Big Brother Shomolu in Shomolu. Where will I get the money to buy diesel 24 hours, where will I get the money to hire the kind of security that would push back would-be kidnappers. My people, if the shooting in South Africa is that painful to us, we simply don’t watch and with no viewership the forces of demand and supply will kick in and the promoters will sit up. We should stop treating this organisation as a government parastatal. Abeg the prices of rice and garri have not dropped in the market o, no be Big Brother Naija dey worry me this morning abeg.
Rochas Okorocha – A Laughable White Elephant
I saw pictures of a Dana Plane bearing the logo of Imo Airlines and small tears trickled down my handsome face. I wept not only for the sad people of Imo but also for Nigeria as a whole. It’s really saddening that a state that has not paid salaries in the last seven months would now embark on such a gargantuan waste of time. Owning an airline is the most efficient waste of scarce state resources and this is really pitiable as the women and children of Imo continue to groan under the yoke of mass poverty and suffering. The aviation industry is going through massive challenges, with all sorts of problems being faced daily by its operators and now a state government goes into it, promising a 10% discount on tickets for Imo State indigenes already digging the pit of bankruptcy and throwing into the bottomless pit of already non-existent state resources. This is a huge PR stunt for the governor with no direct impact on the people of Imo State. I think that these are not the time for this kind of government magic as Fela would call it. If the government from its studies has seen opportunities in the aviation industry, then it should provide an enabling environment for investors to come in, give them tax rebate for employing Imo indigenes amongst other incentives so that private businessmen can come in and grow the business efficiently. My lord, no be the way be this.
Gubernatorial Pensions: A Massive Leakage
They have chopped N37b so far. You will ask who; all retired governors and deputy governors. Yes o, these are the special Nigerians who have fed really fat on the lean coffers of states while the rest of us groan in mass suffering. Look, let me show you very graphically the implications of this chopping. I read somewhere that last year all states in the federation generated just about N300b as internally generated revenue with Lagos State generating over 50% of this amount. Now imagine a select group of people who are not up to 200 taking up about 10% of all internally generated funds nationwide simply because they had ‘served’ us as governors and deputies. The sad part of it all is that these payments are legal and except the laws are changed nothing can be done. See this kind of wahala and you see why elections are usually like war. This money is too much o and we can no longer afford it. The laws must be changed now. The only way we can continue with this is if the payments are taxed heavily by over 80%, anything short of that is unacceptable. The Duke of Shomolu which is not a pensionable position by the way has spoken.
Muhammadu Buhari : You will Live Long
I saw the news report like millions on social media. The passing of our favourite grandfather was gleefully announced and this almost threw me off balance. Initially, I thought it was Jammeh of The Gambia trying to be funny because of the principled stand our president took in ensuring that democracy was upheld in that tiny country. But something in me refused to believe the story but to be sure, I made calls to all the prophets who had made their annual predictions and they all confirmed that they had not seen this occurrence at all. I even called the Redeemed General Overseer to ask if during the short period he was being stressed with the retirement issue, if he had mistakenly sent a prayer upstairs that might have led to this and he replied in the negative. I was still worried and was only pacified when I placed a call to the UK and got the President’s steward who confirmed that Oga had just finished his breakfast of pap. He further confirmed that Oga was hale and hearty and would be going to see a movie when he woke up. I was now relieved and thanked God that this story was like most stories on social media these days, false. It is really not the best to wish or even go ahead to announce a living being dead. People like Nnamdi Azikiwe read their obituaries and this is really very annoying. Why the rush to put out unverified stories, why rebroadcast falsehood before confirmation from credible sources? Really not fair. Anyway, our president is alive and well. He would soon be back to supervise the distribution of the N5,000 they are giving indigent people. I am waiting for mine eagerly.
Richard Mofe Damijo: But Why?
This is one actor I hold in high regard. That he is talented cannot be discounted and that he has also held his own out there for so long is a further confirmation of his dexterity and mass appeal. It is in this regard, that when I conceived the play, ISALE EKO, we the producers had him in mind to play the Oba of Benin in what is beginning to look like an epoch-redefining production. I had met him once in his office at Asaba while he was a commissioner, his good buddy, Chike Ogeah is my Oga. I had also written him a powerful letter telling him that his turn as Oba Ovarawen in a production at the Law School cemented in my mind the powerful talent he was walking around with. He replied my letter stating his interest and that I should work with his team. So we went ahead and crafted a beautiful script, a script that has interested other talented greats like Madam Kofo, Yemi Shodimu and Patrick Doyle.
A script that for the very few who have seen it will not only redefine the theatre but also perfectly sell the story of Lagos to the world. Alas! RMDs people sent a mail that he would be too busy to grace our stage – the only opportunity to walk the Broadway stage and possibly get nominated for the Tony Award. The shock to my system remains palpable because I really love this guy. You can notice I am refraining from yabing him make he no go spoil my case. Although I have received so many requests from other legendary actors to replace him, I still feel that only RMD can do justice to my script. So I am using this medium to beg him to stop pretending to be busy and come let us do this thing abeg. What is all this shakara after all no be only Glo advert go put food for table? I hereby give Mr. Richard Mofe Damijo of no known address, tall, dark and with a graybeard 24 hours after the publication of this notice to reach out to me, or else he will be declared wanted and tried for economic crimes against the people of Shomolu. Come on gimme a call abeg.
Uwem Whyte: My Big Bother
I just want to shout out to this my big brother who recently celebrated his 50th birthday. His lovely wife, Clara threw a big bash for him on that day. As usual it was a wonderful occasion as it afforded me the opportunity to drink Moët Chandon to my heart’s content. You see, as I walked in, the drink just started calling me and I did not disappoint it as I drank to the hilt. Clara even gave me another four bottles to take back to Shomolu where I run a charity organisation on wine tasting. At the party, I met my long-lost brother Richard EDET who has grown to the enviable role of Managing Director of Nokia. It was a blissful evening and I wish Uwem a happy birthday even as I await his 51st birthday. Na dat day I go drink that Moët again.
