Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Ogiame Atuwatse II: The Olu of Warri in Full Bloom

If  you haven’t seen the colourful clips coming out of Warri during the 5th anniversary celebration of the Olu of Warri’s coronation, you had better search online, and  And make sure you use an expensive phone because a cheaper phone will deprive you of all the colours, beauty and magic of the celebration.

The most captivating was the regatta. Kai, come and see the colours and the very beautiful people in colourful, stylish traditional wear sitting atop well-regarded boats. The Olu’s own was the spectacle. Red in colour, people adorned in rich red outfits paddled alongside the Olu, who sat regally and distinguished. Chai, even the muddy, polluted waters of the delta estuary looked grand in those clips.

These Itsekiri people know how to put on a show ooo. That is how they even dazzled us during the Ogiame’s coronation and scattered the whole place.

This one was no less in glitz. It was like something out of Hollywood. Another mesmerising element was the way the Olori knelt to greet her King. That one used to scatter my head. Such a beautiful lady, such elegance, bedecked in a “peacocky” attire like a freshly minted mermaid, would kneel for her king and delicately stand up, gliding towards her own mini throne beside the king – chai, I used to die. Goose pimples usually cover my body, and I would turn to my own Duchess, screaming at her to see how a woman is treating her king. Instead of watching and learning, she would just tell me, “Common, carry the plate to the kitchen; nobody is your housemaid here.”

Her response immediately jolts me back to reality. 

Congratulations to the much venerated Olu of Warri whose handsomeness, scooter-gliding skills, height, demeanour, apparel, and huge wisdom is bringing back the much-needed dignity to our traditional stools. Ogiame!!!

Martins Otse: A VDM at the Bar

I was looking for the newly elected President of the Nigerian Bar Association, Mrs. Oyinkan Badejo-Okusanya, to invite her to my Masterclass when I stumbled on the clip of a big, black, muscled Very Dark Man on the podium at the NBA Conference in Port Harcourt.

Apparently, the NBA is now gradually creating a niche of inviting colourful characters to their events. One year, it was the explicitly crazy Portable, who did not disappoint them. So, when the influential VDM was announced, I personally was not shocked, even though a cross-section of their membership was miffed, not seeing or understanding the point of having him at their event.

Anyway, there I was, staring at the man who had even tried to look a little bit presentable. Normally, he would come out looking like he had not taken a bath, with those huge cowries around his neck and pants that looked like they had not seen soap water since he bought them from the nearest Okrika market.

He tried this time around, even though I still did not understand what he was wearing – will take that up with the “obioma” when I see him.

Within the first few seconds that he held the mic, he got not only me but the whole hall of “learned people.”

“Some of you were wondering why I was invited, querying what I know about the law,” he said to the audience with a mischievous grin.

“Well, I don’t have to know the law that some of your lordships are being kidnapped…” That was a slam dunk, showing the grit, bravado and power that made him the quintessential anti-hero in today’s Nigeria.

I didn’t need to watch any more because he had just shown that he more than deserved the invite, even more than some of those members who will only go there to fight for corporate gifts and eat free food.

Well done, NBA and well done, VDM. Kai.

Ademola Adeleke: Wishful Thinking

Since this one won the election, we no hear word again. He has been dancing all over the place and just generally making a mimicry of the whole thing. He has done one significant thing, though. He has pushed a fund for those who lost their lives during the elections. I hear the fund is about N500 million, and this is brilliant. A lot of people lost their lives for no reason, and this show of empathy is most welcome. Even though it will not bring the lives back, its symbolism is not lost.

Anyway, that is how his son, the one they call B-Red – I think he too is an Afrobeat musician, but not at the level of his cousin, the mercurial Davido – went on air to spew hmmmmmmm!!!

I watched it o, not that anyone told me. He said, “Some people are asking my dad to go for the Presidency… if he is President, everything will be good…”

Make I just keep quiet; we just won an election. It’s not good for us to start abusing ourselves just now.

So, I will let that one slide, but let me just say one thing sha: a beetle cannot be a Lambo, no matter the engine oil you use and no matter how you push it.

And with that, let me rush to my Afang.

Adams Oshiomhole: This Leopard and His Changing Spots

This one is struggling badly with his spots. This leopard is really suffering from a bad case of the itch. His “leopardic” spots are really itching him.

The other day, he went into a huge nostalgic relapse. He regaled a crowd with how he mobilised against the removal of fuel subsidy during the Obasanjo regime. The visionary push of President Obasanjo, who so many years ago had seen the folly of the subsidy lost on him, he continued his “tales by moonlight” with glee.

You see, there is a reason why some leaders are visionary while the others are just that – leaders. So, Oshiomhole in 2026 has now finally seen the evil that was fuel subsidy, something that earlier leaders from IBB had seen those aeons ago and tried to do something about it, with this “pako” leader building his career on a fight against the refusal.

He finally sees it at a time when Nigeria has lost trillions, leading to missed developmental goals and a stricken economy. Instead of him to just close one eye and continue with his massaging trips, he climbs the lectern and shamelessly regales us with a story that, in hindsight, was just a trip into a very dark alley led by a very blind tradesman with limited educational qualifications.

Make I just keep quiet before they come and beat me. Thank you.

Iweh Odinaka: A Scary Prospect

This is one very scary story. This young man is better known as Poco Lee. He is a very popular entertainer and a leader in our social culture. He was recently detained in the UK with strong allegations of sexual impropriety against him. His management has issued a statement denying the allegations and asking us to calm down.

Well, we hear that he has been arraigned and asked to be kept in prison till September. We have also heard that he could be facing up to 10 years in prison if found guilty.

See my people, this thing is not easy o. The very thin line between consent or not consent and this is why it is best to err on the side of caution.

See, you know I just came back – yes, I just came back, and ºº I was there, I went to get a tattoo, and as the artist was drawing the thing on my skin, one curvy, big-bottomed white lass sat across from me. It’s like the devil knows my weakness, so he sent this particular one to me. If you see her thighs and the very short bum pants she was wearing. 

She was smiling at me o. You know I have dreadlocks, and I’m fine small, and you know what they say about Akwa Ibom men, so I gather. I swear, all I needed to do was say “come,” and that was that.

Then I remembered my predecessors, Bill Clinton, P Diddy, Bill Cosby and even our own Senate President who escaped by whiskers. I just finished my tattoo, stood up and greeted her in Ibibio, “So songo o,” and walked away.

Not long after, I heard the story of Poco Lee. They said he carried three and did one; the other said no, and voilà, court and prison appeared. Now, if three women agree to enter a room for an encounter, what other consent do you need? Do not forget, there will be drink and “smoke,” so all of us are not having sense again o. 

Things begin to happen, and everyone is doing everything, and when you all wake up in the morning, you all have forgotten what transpired the previous night. Then one of them goes into the bathroom to wee, and sees drips and screams “rape,” and the mumu police will now be arresting someone.

For me, the consent was given the moment we all entered the room. The man himself should also be shouting rape. Mbok, I didn’t want to talk while I was still there before they catch me too.

We must respect ourselves; we must all carry ourselves with dignity. We will not all dress like tarts, drink and smoke like flies, agree to a threesome as alleged and under the influence things happen, and then you wake up and shout rape. All of them should shout rape, abeg.

Anyways, Poco Lee deserves what is coming to him because whoever plays with fire must be ready to be burnt, and this is why I carried my erection out of that tattoo shop.

Dolly Parton: Even Nigerians Mourn

Everywhere I went immediately after the news of the passing of this icon was announced, I saw Nigerians talking about her and playing her songs. 

That is how influential her reach was. A lot of us in the 80s grew up with Dolly Parton. 

She was a great musical icon, and her collaboration with the equally great Kenny Rogers, especially the song “Island in the Stream”, really took us Nigerians away.

I was very surprised when I entered a barber’s shop in Lagos, and they were playing the song. She lived a remarkable life, and God will receive her soul, especially. I even heard that the White House flew the flags at half-mast, truly deserving. We in Shomolu will surely do something to honour her.

Shuaibu Husseini: Living in Colour

Shuaibu is my friend and brother. He is also the oga at the film’s censors board, and I am not envying him right now.

That is how some people went to do a full “gay” movie o and called it ‘Living in Colour.’ They did not submit it for approval to his board for obvious reasons, but released the trailer on YouTube, which led Shuaibu and his team to threaten to ban it.

Immediately I saw the news report of the threat to ban the movie, I rushed to YouTube to see the trailer. Aaaaaaaaaghhhhhh! is all I am going to say o. Kai.

Everything is inside that trailer, o. Man kissing man, man having sex with man and all of whatever it is that makes same sex people churn in amazement.

Then I rushed to the comment section, and it was all praise for the producers, with a vast majority stating that they cannot wait for its release, and this is Shuaibu’s dilemma.

There is an existing law against same sex dalliance in this country, and as far as I know, same sex dalliances remain illegal – even though some men won’t mind them lifting the woman to woman own.

So Shuaibu’s mandate at the Board is very clear. He must protect our sensibilities and preserve our cultural integrity, but at the same time, the call for a repeal of that law is increasing, especially with the support of international agencies and governments.

Let us not kid ourselves in this country. Almost one third of Nigerians are same sex people, and whole industries are vastly populated by people with same sex leanings; hence the seeming “rebellion” this movie is trying to arrowhead. ߺBut Shuaibu has a job to do, and he has a legal mandate not driven by morality, and he must do his job no matter what anyone feels or thinks. Ban the damn thing, and he has my support.

Kai, if you watch that trailer ehn, you will be looking at your teenage son in prayers.  

Yemi Shodimu: My Gratitude

I have never really said thanks to this veteran legend. Yemi Shodimu has remained a very powerful partner and one that I have relied on in my journey in Nigerian theatre. 

Unlike plenty others, he is not driven by any material lucre but the need to project his act and support me. The man has suffered in my hands. He has flown for hours because of no money to buy a direct flight ticket; he has drunk garri in London because no money to pay him complete; cold nearly kill him because no money to pay for a better hotel, but he will still come out to give a superlative performance on stage.

As I watched him as Obey on the Shaw Theatre London stage the other night, I bowed my head in respect to a true legend and thespian, and most of all to a true big brother. God bless him. Thanks.

Donald Duke: A Reluctant Hero

You know I just published a coffee table book on the most powerful and influential people in Nigeria, and Mr. Donald Duke did not make the book, even though his very beautiful wife and my sister Onari contributed an essay.

Anyway, that is how I went to look for trouble. Knowing fully well that bro did not make the list, I went to ask him to buy it. He asked the price, and I said, N599,000, and he sent a question mark and moved on.

Well, I will not say that because of that snub, I will deprive Nigeria of what I think would be the most credible opposition that we can build against the Goliath that is President Bola Tinubu today.

You see, I am firmly in support of the talk around the single opposition candidate. It is not novel in this our country. When we have a goliath like we do now, politicians would come together and push one single candidate to bring down the giant.

This time around, the movements have started, and I, for one, strongly support it simply because we cannot be carrying injured soldiers into the war front.

The two leading candidates – Atiku and Obi have seen better shelf lives. They are expired. In fact, if they were over-the-counter drugs, NAFDAC would have shoved them into the dustbin. See that Atiku sef, see how he is fumbling and wombling all over the place; it’s really pathetic. And Obi? That one has lost his bearing so much that he is hanging out with social media activists who have absolutely no electoral value. Na wa.

There now appears my handsome brother, the Duke. He sent me his coat of arms the other day and said From the Duke of Calabar to the Duke of Shomolu and I laughed.

He can give Tinubu a fight for his “agbado”. He is popular with the youths, can be a bridge between them and the older generations, has partisan political experience, has the network having been a former Governor, relatively young, understands international flows, relatively not corrupt, has the imagery, poise and charisma that can electrify the campaign.

Now the challenge will be Atiku’s legendary stubbornness and Obi’s messianic disposition. These two, I continue to say, are the real stumbling block towards credible oppositiony in this country. They just pushed themselves to the forefront and made themselves gatekeepers to the opposition. 

They are not electable but will not let us see road.

Even this Donald that I am pushing is not even looking like he can or even wants to look into Atiku’s eyes and say, “Oga move make I see road,” and this is why I am calling him a reluctant hero.

Whatever is the case, make he come buy my book; I have school fees. That is my own real concern for now.