Twelve must-read books

VIEW FROM THE GALLERY BY MAHMUD JEGA

Two widely reported remarks at the weekend by top Nigerian Army Generals, one retired and one still serving, reminded me that there are twelve very important books that our youngstersshould be made to read, in order to make up for the removal of History and Geography from the school curriculum for ten years. I learnt that a book was jointly published at the weekend by the two Army Generals, both of them highly accomplished in the art of violence, military strategy, weaponry, self defence and fight against terrorism. 

This very important book is called How to End Terrorism, by Tukur Buratai and Chris Musa. The first chapter, written by Buratai, calls for a COVID-19 style national lockdown in order to end kidnapping, banditry, armed robbery, cattle rustling, farmers/herders clashes and attacks on villages and towns. Buratai said when everybody is inside his house, kidnappers and bandits will have nobody to grab in the streets, farms, markets or in travelling vehicles. General Christopher Musa, who is the most senior General in the Nigerian military today, added a second chapter to the book which called for all citizens to rise up in self defence. He added a footnote saying he did no mean that every Nigerian should acquire an AK-47; he only meant sticks, clubs, bows and arrows, catapults, swords, spears and stones to combat bandits.

The book currently topping the Nigerian bestseller list is How to Ensure Aviation Safety, jointly authored by two highly reputable experts in aviation safety, Kwam 1 and Kwam 2. They wrote in the book, very thoughtfully, that planes are very dangerous when in flight and that the best way to keep them safe is by forcing them to remain on the ground. One way to do this is to stand in front of a plane and prevent it from taking off. One should stand firm even if the pilot is ready to crush the person standing in front of the plane, just because a liquid [alleged to be alcoholic] was poured on the captain’s white uniform. Another good way to ensure flight safety is to jump from your seat and kick a stewardess, thus forcing the pilot to make an emergency landing at the nearest airport.

I was reading this very interesting book How to Build a Coastal Road by David Umahi. This brilliant engineer provided very good answers to all the questions that were not asked, including the length of the pipeline in the road’s drainage channels. He wrote that questions as to why the project is a top national priority, why it costs billions to build a kilometer of the coastal road, why it was neither approved by the National Assembly nor subjected to competitive bidding, and why 30 kilometers of a 700 kilometre road was commissioned, would all be answered during his next appearance on NTA.

Another very interesting book unveiled at the weekend was How to Keep Nigeria One by Sunday Igboho. He was at the palace of the Oni of Ife to invite the revered monarch to be the book’s chief launcher at a ceremony slated to take place at Abuja’s Unity Fountain. I hear that he will soon present a copy to General Yakubu Gowon, whose archaic 1960s idea that “To keep Nigeria one is a task that must be done”, Igboho has now successfully debunked. In order to keep Nigeria one, he wrote, each of its 250 ethnic groups should declare itself to be a Nation and should apply to ECOWAS and African Union for membership. Afterwards, all 250 Former Nigerian Nations [a la former Yugoslavia] should join the United Nations. We will then form a majority of its members and must be granted three, not one, permanent seats in the Security Council, with the power to veto everything that Oyinbo dare to bring up.

Everyone aspiring to contest the 2027 elections should read the book How to Declare Election Results, by Hudu Yunusa-Ari. He wrote that if the Returning Officer, who is always a university professor, is too absent minded because of ASUU strikes to compute election results, the Resident Electoral Commissioner should cast aside the Electoral Act and INEC manual, take over and declare his preferred candidate as the winner. Anyone who disagrees should go to court, there to spend on lawyers more than he spent in the campaign.

Every governor in Nigeria should read the book How to Govern from Your State Capital, by Ibrahim Saminu Turaki. The late former Governor of Nasarawa State Alhaji Aliyu Akwe Doma once told me that when he was employed in the Northern Nigeria Civil Service in the 1960s, they were told that they must spend most of their time in their district, divisional or provincial capitals. Turaki’s book has successfully debunked that archaic rule of administration. It says at any one time, a governor must have confirmed flight tickets of British Airways, KLM, Air France, Swiss Air, Emirates, Ethiopian, Egypt Air and American Airlines in his brief case, ready to take off at short notice.

How to be a Godfather, by Nyesom Wike, is a book that every top Nigerian politician must read. Among the important steps the book prescribed include anointing an unknown person as your successor, amassing a lot of money, running for president, lobbying to be the running mate, controlling your State Assembly members and Local Government chairmen, forming a G5 group within the party, negotiating with your party’s opponent to help him win the election, get rewarded with a juicy ministerial post, pretend to still belong to your old party while working for the success of your new party, and doing everything to sabotage your old party’s scheduled national convention.

After reading Wike’s book, one must read another bestseller, How to Remain Loyal to Godfather, by Chris Ngige. It is very simple; follow the godfather to a shrine and go through all the rites and oaths; allow the godfather to appoint State Assembly leaders and most Cabinet members; sign Irrevocable Letters for the godfather’s debts to be deducted from the state’s Federation Account allocation; and finally, sign a postdated resignation letter and give it to the godfather, which he can bring up at any time it pleases him. 

One book that has topped the bestseller lists for many weeks is How to Remain in One Political Party, by Atiku Abubakar. He wrote in the book that even though Nigerian men have as many wives as northern Cameroonians and more mistresses than Frenchmen, they should stick to a single political partythroughout their political career. The author, one of this country’s greatest and most experienced politicians, frowned at the spectacle that anytime that one’s political aspiration is blocked in a party primary, he immediately arranges to grab the ticket of another party, even if it is a briefcase party. He condemned mergers, take overs, alliances, cross carpeting, anti-party activity, underground financing and retreating to Dubai after every election.

Another very important book unveiled at the weekend is How to Guard Your Tongue, by Nasiru el-Rufa’i. This brilliant and restless author’s last book on public servants Accidentally topped the charts for many years. He has now successfully debunked what former Egyptian President Anwar Sadat once told ABC’s Barbara Walters, that a politician should not write a book until he is through with politics because friends could become enemies and enemies could become friends. The book also explained, successfully, why he once told political opponents to climb Mount Kufena and jump, why he described Sardauna, Zik and Awolowo as tribal politicians, why he set a five million prize on an opponent’s Afro hair, and why he said all his opponents will end up in the grave like Umaru Yar’adua or at Otueke like Goodluck Jonathan.

Every Nigerian, from the age of fifteen upwards, must ensure that he reads the recently released book How to Maintain Peace in Nigeria, jointly authored by Nnamdi Kanu and Abubakar Shekau. While the first author contributed his chapter from detention, the second author contributed his chapter posthumously. The book’s first chapter stated, very thoughtfully, that the key to ensuring enduring peace in Nigeria is by actualising a former secessionist Republic, which it said brought peace to South Sudan, Indonesia’s East Timor and Somalia’s Somaliland province. The quickest way to ensure this, the first chapter stated, is by imposing a Sit at Home order every Monday, by maintaining a radio station operating from abroad, by forming a Security Network to storm police and army checkpoints, and by setting ablaze every INEC office in sight. The book’s second chapter, contributed by Shekau, is even more enlightening. It calls for the closure of all schools, elimination of anyone who does not subscribe to Jihad, mass abduction and enslavement of schoolgirls, storming of military bases and hoisting of Boko Haram flag on every public building.

A twelfth, very interesting book that every Nigerian adult and youngster must read has the title Vigour Through Rigour. It was said in the foreword that this title was used in a 1980s article by the conservative American writer George F. Will to describe then British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s tough policies. Mystery was added to this book because the author’s name was kept secret. The introductory chapter, titled “Subsidy is gone,” advocated that Nigerians must be shaken out of their laxity by ending fuel subsidies, free floating the naira, widening the tax net, keeping the minimum wage low, increasing the cost of living, stopping Yahoo Boys from earning a living, and closing 13.5 million youngsters’ social media accounts. National Assembly should shortly pass into law an Executive Bill, without debate or amendment, that makes reading these twelve books compulsory.