Loud Whispers

Martins Otse and His Comments Section from Hell

Most of you, like my Editor who read this column, may not know what the comments section is. Let me educate you guys. So, when you go on Instagram or YouTube to watch or read a feature, the comments section is the part where the general public, after digesting the content, would feel free to air their opinions on what they just digested.

Now the comments section is the vilest, wildest and most obnoxious place you can find yourself. The toxicity is out of the world as it is not regulated, so the abuse and carnage there is premium.

Well, that was how my aunty, Ruth Osime, invited me to her popular show ‘Perspective’ to discuss VDM who was just released by the EFCC after about five days in their custody.

That was how I just said my mind o – what exactly are the fundamental issues VDM is fighting for? That was the simple question I asked o. To come and put fuel in the petrol, I advised him to better educate himself on the fundamental issues that is Nigeria, surround himself with quality advice so that he could engage better. I wondered how his first comment after coming out was “GTBank, I dey come… EFCC, una never see anything… una papa…”

My argument was simple: bro, you have used rants to achieve sufficient placement on the table of national discourse, oya engage much more strategically. You had the opportunity to be invited to the National Assembly and you blew it with rants. Enough of the rants, start engaging holistically, abeg.

My people, over 5,000 comments on the comments section tearing me o. None of them addressed my point, na how big my head is was their concern. “Who be this mumu?” one asked. “See him rough head,” another said. He no even bath, see as he ugly. Ashawo man. Him mama na ashawo. No be that boy for Shomolu wey dey smoke igbo, God go punish you. And many more insults.

My people when scallywags talk, you just brush it and waka pass. The sad thing is that if these are the leaders of tomorrow, then we are in worse trouble than we already are.

If people like VDM and his rants with his horde of vermin are the hope for a future revival of this country, make I kuku go beg Kemi Badenoch make she calm down so that I can go and be washing corpse for Peckham because the incoming army of zombies coming, I no get power. Irritants.

Ishaq Oloyode: After the Tears Comes Resignation

At first, I pitied this baba. I said to myself, kai this is a very passionate public official. See as he is crying because people failed and then I started getting other details- ahhhh this no be tears o, this worse pass crocodile tears o.

This na tears of shame, incompetence and possible failure to deliver on an evil mandate. I have just read something about how the whole thing was skewed against candidates from the South-east. Mbok how can everybody in the University of Nigeria Secondary School fail?

Aaaaahhhhh! This is throwing up something that our Igbo brothers have been shouting against and I have been saying it’s not true – institutional tribalism.

How can you now plan a re-sitting of the exam and now put 65 centres in Lagos and 92 centres in Owerri for everybody in the South-east? This baba’s incompetence will even shame those who sent him.

How can he mess up such a tiny assignment – make sure a few Igbo people gain admission.

My prayer is that my assertion is wrong and that it was just a normal virus that attacked their system because if it is the institutional thing I just mentioned is the case, then we are pulling in Armageddon.

Mbok, what glitches are they talking about o because I am used to glitches o, especially the type that used to affect my system when I am watching porn- the thing will just collapse my computer at the most critical point.

Whatever it is, Prof should just go. Tears cannot solve this one, the man with his incompetence is about to scatter a whole generation of Nigerian youths – 1.5m fail?

His incompetence has caused the death of a young JAMBite now. Will the glitches or re-sit bring him back?

This man is a perfect candidate for the comments section and not pure innocent me wey carry “dada” go ARISE TV.

Cornelius Ojelabi: A Primary Confusion

This is the APC Chairman in Lagos who will soon enter the Guinness Book of World Records for superintending the worst-ever party primaries since democracy was invented in Greece.

The stories are horrendous. The Ikoyi-Obalende own was one of the worst from reports that I have seen. They say one former Deputy Governor just called candidates and asked them all to withdraw before a set time otherwise they would lose their money.

All over Lagos it’s the same cry of imposition, rigging, thuggery and the rest. What has emerged now in Lagos APC is an incestuous imposition of second generation biological offspring of the paymasters and chosen fingerlings, leading to the question my father used to ask me when I come home with the same poor results – can anything good come out of a worshipper of Baal?

My people, when a plane is about to crash, there is nothing you can do but to hunker down, fold your head and brace for impact.

Na the best advice that I have given all the aggrieved candidates who have besieged my phone with lamentations – what can you do, just honker down and brace for impact because the implosion is near. Very near, I swear. Thank you.

Patience Jonathan: The Pantomime Returns

Please remind me of that thing that Prof. Wole Soyinka used to label this Mummy. Mbok, I have been laughing since the statement came out that she will campaign alongside First Lady, Remi Tinubu during the upcoming elections.

One group has tried to tie this her position to the recent “returning of her properties by the EFCC.”

The one that really intrigued me was the group saying that – President Jonathan can parley his goodwill to win the Presidency but that they know that Patience will not be First Lady and that they preferred the other wife as First Lady.

You see how person is wearing a bowler cap and drinking his “kai kai” jejelly and minding his business, stray bullet come hit am.

Why do they want to put confusion in Jonathan’s house? Mbok, I didn’t even know that there was a second wife somewhere o and now busy bodies are now trying to prop up a second wife who would have been just managing herself and staying out of the way.

Mbok, can you imagine the life of a junior wife under this person? This Mummy “P” that Wole Soyinka had labelled…….

The barn door has been unlocked so all sorts of characters will file out to dance under the sun. Mummy “P” must also dance, after all, it’s her pantomime. Na wa.

Rotimi Amaechi, I Don’t Agree With You

This latter-day activist is boring me abeg. Since he fell out of power and has a lot of time in his hands, he has been pontificating. His latest umbrage is the one saying that if he was still in power, he and Lamido would have given Tinubu constructive opposition.

Mbok, that is a big lie. All we have to do to puncture this assertion is to look at the recent past. If Google is your friend, oya use it.

Amaechi played a sycophantic role in the last administration which took Nigerians to the cleaners. He was the poster boy of the Buhari administration and even took a university to the man’s village in Daura. If he could not be constructive in opposition then when they were allegedly printing cash, chasing the Guinness Book of Records at the level of official impunity and corruption, then is it here where these ones have mastered the art of getting people to decamp in their thousands?

The more I listen to Mr. Amaechi, I see two things – either a cry for help or the regrets of a yesterday’s man.

Mbok, Oga, shebi you have gone to law school, go and be lecturing somewhere or go and open school in Rivers State abi  have you not seen the JAMB result from your state? Come and beat me.

Sim Fubara: The Hero Next Door

This one has carried big eyes and betrayed the movement. Shebi I told my brother Scott Tomei that his bobo has gone to beg and he doubted me. It is clear that he not only went to beg but even grovelled while doing it.

 Shebi we all saw that Wike statement that he told him that he cannot be suing for peace and his people are everywhere abusing and walking out on people.

Bobo just went to church to say his spirit has left the government house and that people are still routing for him and just doing that one for themselves. I just hissed, said to myself “see efulefu”.

People are out there risking their lives, rooting for you and fighting for democracy. You are supposed to be the symbol, see what you are saying. I just weak. It is not your fault, it is our fault who thought that we were backing a solid soldier not knowing that this one is a yellow cowardly custard.

Do not worry, our leader is nearby. Things will be ok, there is nothing to worry about. We have hope and we will see true democracy in our lifetimes. It only gets darker just when the light wants to come. Sim, go and look for “kpalasa” phone and chook yourself inside as you no get network. Na wa.

Usoro Akpabio: Beauty From the South

“Duke, send me a proposal for a roving theatre festival across all southern states that will push for unity and engage youths.” That was Usoro Akpabio’s message to me early last week.

Then as soon as I landed Abuja, I saw the reports. Usoro has been appointed MD of the recently established South-South “commission.”

I quickly placed a call. “Adiaghaeka, is it true?” And she smiled, “Yes ooo I did not want to tell you when we chatted last week until it came through.”

Congrats my sister, you truly deserve this appointment even though I am a little bit confused as to the difference between this your new commission and the already existing Niger Delta Development Commission. Well as long as una no fight, it is ok. Well done and have a swell time contributing to the region. Beauty and brains are my death, I swear.

A Quiet Moment with Opeyemi Bamidele

I have met this influential Senator three times. One in his Ekiti village, the other at my brother Lekan Ajisafe’s birthday party in Lagos and the third and most impactful, in his house in Abuja.

Lekan had mentioned that I should join them for a sit out with the senator and I went o.

He walked in a moment later just after I had finished my plate of ofada and drank tiger nut. You guys know what tiger nut does to the libido. If you don’t, please ask Davidson, my editor -na him introduce me. He called and said, “Edgar, if you drink tiger nut, your madam will thank you.” So, you can imagine my small confusion when I saw tiger nuts being shared in the place.

Sorry for my digression, I sat with the very influential Senate Majority Leader with so many questions to ask that I could not ask – make he no drive me commot for him house.

Anyway, we discussed very politely and he mentioned his love for theatre and what we were doing. He accepted to be the grand patron of the Ekiti theatre festival and talked very brilliantly about theatre as a strong vehicle for national cohesion.

I thanked him and left but not before taking two bottles of tiger nut. You know how these things are. Kai.

Aniekan Ukpanah: An Elegant and Brilliant Gentleman

Aniekan is my brother even though I am closer to his wife, the extremely brilliant Uto Ukpanah who is the Company Secretary at giant MTN.

However, during the week, I stumbled on a press release announcing Aniekan’s international appointment. He was recently appointed Chairman of Lex Mundi, the world’s leading network of independent law firms.

Aniekan, who is already a Senior Partner at the prestigious Udo Udoma & Belo-Osagie law firm, has over the years built a reputation of being astute and stupendously professional in his approach to work

Let me dimension the import of this appointment in case bad bele people will be asking wetin concern us with this Akwa Ibom man.

Lex Mundi has 150 plus member firms globally and 23,000 plus lawyers in 125 jurisdictions, meaning that Aniekan can help you get bail almost anywhere in the world. Kai!

See my brother, see why we are all very very proud of him? This is a milestone achievement which shows that Nigeria still has some brilliant ones.

Congratulations my brother even as I wish you the very best and more in this new assignment. Well done and well deserved.