Loud Whispers
Lagos is on fire. The latest increment has really riled a lot of Lagosians and understandably so. Even my friend Segun Banjoko who has not spoken to me in the last five years sent me a copy of his bill. Well if one takes the ongoing hardship faced by the people into consideration, one would want to really understand the public angst at this recent increment. But like everything in life there are two sides to the story.
So the governor coasted to victory on the back of firm and realisable electoral promises. Immediately he settled in, he jumped into work and began a major reconstruction of the landscape, determined to give Lagos the infrastructure that befits its status as a global megacity with a teeming population. But wait, he inherited the greatest debt profile ever in the history of the state. His federal allocation already consigned as far as possible into the future to creditors. And although has one of the best IGR processes, still a far cry as to the expectations if he was going to dent the situation on the ground regarding the monumental infrastructural gap, the deploring health situation or the education sector that is gasping. So my question as I write is what other options would a right-thinking governor be opened to when his borrowing capacity has been maxed out by the previous regime and in the process encumbered most state assets? So my people, medicine for Malaria is bitter.
We cannot be crying on the one hand about how Lagos is not working and on the other hand be screaming blue murder at a concerted effort to address the issue. The truth is that even if the charge was N100, we will still scream and only a bold and courageous politician in Ambode’s mould will try this at this time seeing elections coming through. You see, we always miss the point, the pressure should be at the end of the application. Who is doing the collections and what programmes are we tying the funds to. Ensuring that there would be transparency in the process. Simple. People who are going around with foreign housemaids paid in hard currency are screaming at a levy that in some cases is not up to the Maid’s monthly salary. I just tire. Well Akin has said that he runs a responsive government and that they are opened to further discussions on the issue. I believe him, but if na me with some small tweaking of the policy I will go ahead because we did not vote him in to come and preside over the allocation of federal disbursement but to seek creative and visionary policies to deliver the so-called dividends of democracy. I have said my own and I am sure they will kill me at this weekend Estate meeting, wetin I go do.
Shehu Sani: The Folly of a Renegade
Well, I am not joining the crowd to hail this person for his activism. He has been on a roller-coaster ride seeking public adulation with all these funny proclamations and actions. The other day he took anti-venom to Jamb office on the back of the revelation that a snake had swallowed N36m. If that was not crass publicity-chasing move, I do not know what else is. You see, all this plastic attempt at social activism from within does not shake me as they say it in Shomolu. So today you have told us that senators are paid N13m monthly for whatever purpose and then you sit back to wallow in the ignorant public adulation that is coming your way. But you fail to realise that those of us who drink ogogoro can see through all these childish games. So where is your letter refusing to accept such ‘illegal’ payments? Do you have any evidence to show that you have refused to collect yours or can you even publish what you have been doing with yours before you got this your Saul of Tarsus moment? Look, my brother, we are facing clear and real issues in this country and I would really expect that you stop trying to distract us with these childish attempts at social activism. It is not working. Please, go get a haircut and let us be.
Okorocha’s Son-In-Law – The Messiah to Be
Look, when you come from such a prestigious family, you can only attract scorn from people who have lesser pedigree. You know our people do not understand the importance of a family dynasty in politics. You see the Okorocha Dynasty can be likened to the Bush and Kennedy dynasties in America. I tell you. They have played a very significant role in the socio-economic development of not only Imo State but the entire nation. We are just an ungrateful lot. A family of sculptors, has given us a Commissioner for Happiness. A family that has given us His Royal Majesty and Lord of the flies himself, Rochas Okorocha, and we are not happy that they have even decided after a harrowing meeting at the Happy Palace to give us their son-in-law to rule us. Can’t we all see the role Trump’s son is playing in Amerca? Why are our people like this, I just tire. Kai, I have never seen people so stubborn as the Imo people. They are as headstrong and unappreciative like the Israelites who were berating Moses for taking them out of Egypt. Please Rochas, ignore these people for they remain ignorant. Let our son take over. There should be no election sef; that one is a waste of time. just make the pronouncement, na you get Imo. Laugh wan kill me. Please my brother, where is my statue o. Or, why do you think I am writing all this. Please, I need a statue of myself in front of the female hostel at the Imo State University so that anytime I go there on a courtesy call as the Duke of Shomolu and Visitor to the school, the Vice Chancellor can receive me there. We have suffered.
…. At the meeting with the Inspector General of Police
The President does not usually take breakfast because he has to maintain his slim frame and his six-pack, Aisha insists. But this morning he had to eat because he needed all the energy required for this particular meeting for he was still in shock after discovering that this Oga did not stay in Benue as instructed. Kai, this was really annoying. I had to be in the meeting to calm nerves and keep the meeting focused and to also ensure that there would be no plate throwing or anything like that. The IG walked in. He was in his crisp well-starched uniform and looking quite handsome. The president who did not remove his eyes from the plate of kunu, ignored his presence. The IG looked towards me for assistance, I signalled him to calm down, that we will surpass this one. I knew just when to start; you cannot be the President’s best supplier of kolanut without knowing how to get him.
The IG remained ignored and by this time, his confidence was ebbing and he started sweating small small. Looking at me, I beckoned him to remain calm and that he should just still stand at full attention and stare at the Nigerian coat of arms just above the President’s head. Finally, Oga finished the kunu and looked up. My God, the anger in his eyes ehnn, even me piss catch me and just as he was about to open his mouth, God appeared! The phone rang and it was Donald Trump informing him that he was about to sack Tillerson for going to where he did not send him. What was he doing in Abuja? The President immediately went into a heated discussion with Trump and beckoned us to leave the office immediately. Kai, see escape. I have advised the IG to keep praying and abstain from the other room until all these blows are over. Na wa.
Victor at the Yellow Chilli
I have not seen or heard from this my friend in a long time, Chief Victor Ogwaku, the chairman of one of my favourite places, Yellow Chilli. Last I saw him was at the 25th wedding anniversary of the Chairman of Air Peace, Chief Onyeama. Well, that is the circle I play in these days. Do you blame me? Well, this is a shout out to my friend, the great Victor, who recently opened a franchise of his wonderful platform in Abuja. May you not be sent to where you do not belong o and may your loyalty not be tested my dear friend. Stay blessed.
