Muhammadu Buhari: You Really Don’t Get It
Baba no get am at all. His statement that he has no investments or mansions anywhere in the world is a misfire. A blank shot. That his incorruptibility cannot be challenged anywhere in the world is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. See, bro let me be very frank with you, that you still have 150 cows eight years after is meaningless to us and to those mapping your legacy and contributions.
The fact that you remain austere, disciplined and have only N20,000 in the only account that you run with the ‘esusu’ people in Daura is of no effect to us. What you will be measured by is what remarkable feat you achieved with the economy, security, education and other very serious indices.
Your incorruptibility which is now a personal achievement to you but didn’t seem to affect or disturb the general thievery and splurge that surrounded you. That you have N6,000 in contributions didn’t stop your Accountant General from stealing the billions we are hearing nor did it stop all these corruption that we are seeing and suffering from.
Did it stop inflation from crossing the double-digit line? Did it stop unemployment from crossing the 20% mark? Did it stop the Naira to suffer over 1,000% decline? Has it stopped the police from killing and maiming Nigerians? Has it moved the civil service from being the most inept ever and has it stopped oil thievery?
The fact that you remain incorruptible has left the next Government with over N70 trillion debt to grapple with. That means that if you were corrupt, we for all go into slavery. Real one o.
So, my Baba, you are not being advised well. Better don’t talk about this your incorruptibility in your farewell speech o, because we will just stand up and walk away o. Better start talking about the second Onitsha Bridge and how you have been able to contain OBJ’s letters. Those are real achievements, not these incorruptible stories. We are tired of hearing it, abeg release another album. This one don stale.
INEC: Postponement, Cancellation, Recipe for Chaos
You know nothing is really far-fetched in this our Babylon that we call a country. When Chief Obasanjo released his last letter, the one he was endorsing Tinubu… oh sorry, Obi, someone commented that it was part of a grand scheme to have him lead a transitional government.
We all waved it off and laughed. Even me, I responded by calling the person a village drunk. Which yeye interim government in 2023. After over 20 years of continuous civilian rule and an unbroken transition from one civilian government to the other?
Abi didn’t OBJ hand over to Yar’Adua and that one died and gave Jonathan and that one gave Buhari. Are we not maturing as a people? So, I didn’t take that talk very seriously.
That is how this INEC people now came out with the statement that if the insecurity continues, they could postpone the election. Then it hit me. somebody is throwing a kite. All of a sudden the interim government thing is looking real o.
So, if they postpone and Buhari’s tenure finishes, na interim we are looking at. Kai, the prospect is even making me feel like vomiting. This is like taking two steps forward and 100 steps backward. The scary thing is that we really have no way we can halt the slide. So if we start with interim, who says that one morning we will not wake up and be hearing – fellow Nigerians again….
I thank God Lai Mohammed has come out to debunk it and insist that no matter what, elections will be held.
See Mr. INEC Chairman, if you don’t have the mind, better leave that place now and let someone with mind take over because this election must be held. That your talk is bullla ballu talk and totally unacceptable. Even if na only Ibibio people vote, we must have this election and put in a new set of ‘rogues’, simple.
So please stop that joke, it is too expensive if you ask me.
Atiku Abubakar: Media Aide from ‘Hell’
You know Nigerians like sensationalism. The video of this big-headed ex-Aide to Mr. Atiku, the PDP candidate made the rounds and some people were screaming that the campaign was over.
I just hissed and waka pass. Over wetin? When Hundeyin was going on about his ‘Narco’ talk on Tinubu, did the campaign end? Everything Hundeyin threw at the Baba did not deter him, instead each time Hundeyin threw something, Baba would call a Town Hall meeting and give them a wet slice of bread and everything would be ok.
So why would Atiku’s own be different? Even if the man showed us a Video of Atiku ‘thieving’ the Niger Bridge like the video of the dollar in the agbada, nothing will happen. This is Nigeria. This is not the Vatican. This is the land of 200 million thieves. Na we and we are fantastically corrupt, and we like am. It is ok.
The only people who are not thieves in this our country, are people ‘wey never reach the position or wey him family never reach’. At that point, we are armchair critics but when we reach, our natural national coloration will appear.
So as the yellow-livered coward sat there in his cheap t-shirt and was first begging for his life and the life of his family before releasing the ‘earth shattering’ news that we already knew, I just stood up and went looking for Afang to chop.
Atiku’s campaign or any other campaign in our Nigeria is not predicated on any of these. It is not issue based, nor based on character or integrity. Na who spend pass na him go win. One big baba said it during the week, cannot remember who sef. He said the biggest spender will win. That is a fact of our national life.
Or how do you explain when Tinubu will stand on a podium and speak gibberish and very sane and intelligent people plus international professors will be clapping. Take for example: “You have to suffer to vote until Bola Tinubu is President and after that we will soak bread in a slice and give you.”
Mbok and people clapped and cheered?
This media aide’s revelation in a saner clime, Atiku should be in detention right now struggling to explain the true meaning of SPV and how he institutionalized it according to this man. But na lie, Dino will still be shouting, ‘incoming President’ and millions will still be supporting him.
Nigeria na pig sty. No more, no less. Rubbish.
As My Hero, Chief Emeka Anyaoku, Clocks 90
As I was finishing this column, I got a call from the highly revered Chief Anyaoku inviting me to his 90th birthday lunch. I will go and come and gist you guys. Kai! Happy birthday sir.
Access Bank: You Can Do It
Let me confess for the umpteenth time that I have a soft spot for Access Bank. The reason is simply because of their immense belief in this country. Creating wealth, ensuring that we continue to believe that the country is not finished. Building such a huge edifice that is contending for global respectability is something that we all should encourage and applaud.
I have heard that they want to be the first bank to cross the N1 trillion mark in revenues. My people, when I heard this, I became giddy with excitement. Pushing along three main income lines – interest expense, hedging against instruments and one last one wey I no remember now, they have hit N908b this third quarter and beaten their PBT forecast year-on-year by about 30%.
Already valued at about N13 trillion, the Bank keeps powering and making incisive incursions into different markets globally.
They are my friends, the only person wey dey do like he no like me na Roosevelt, the new managing Director for the banking business. Anytime I see him somewhere, he will first do like he no know me o. The other day, I saw him at the CSCS 25th anniversary party, he look me comot eye.
Sit down like Prince Harry, cross leg and be surveying the environment. I say if I don’t greet him now it will look one kain, so I said, “bro,” and he opened up and we greeted and joked small. Nice guy.
But seriously with the team put together by my Lord, the Great Herbert Wigwe to run the place and with the kind of responsive Board members, you cannot expect any less. Also, with my tall and fine brother Amaechi running its reputation management structure, the story can only be brilliant.
My take is that let’s not do like that mumu Westerhoff who benched Nduka Ugbade who was on the verge of World Cup history, being the first man to play at three levels of World Cup and drop all of our differences and support Access bank in meeting this target.
In other words, all other banks should please direct all your account holders to move to Access and also ask your staff to start selling Access bank products so that we can all celebrate this milestone. Let’s do this for Nigeria- I don run away ooo. Kai.
Prince Harry: A Royal ‘Mumu’
Well, let me first say that coming from my Shomolu background where I had to hawk bread for a living, I cannot really understand why this person wants to turn his back from all of that privilege for whatever reason.
Prince Harry has just released a book in which he ‘scatter’ the Royal Family. The revelations there are just so plenty that some have said, that they are capable of finally destroying the royal institution. Already the Royal Family is under tremendous pressure from Republicans who feel that the whole thing is a huge drain on public funds and do not understand why a certain set of people will be deified like this in this century. Prince Harry is just giving them more gunpowder.
Some will want to blame his beautiful wife. I will say no. She only just gave him an avenue to vent his frustration. He has always been troubled and his mother’s tragic passing really messed him up. In very serious discussions with him, he often used to just say to me, “Duke, this whole thing tire me. everything na William, even to piss for toilet, na him go piss first.”
So, this thing predates his wife. My advice to him is to look at the bigger picture. History is far bigger than him. He cannot now single-handedly want to change the course of history because of bad bele. This thing is even looking like a family curse. Remember that his uncle abdicated because of an American divorcee. This American people sef, I don’t know what their women carry between their legs that will be making men turn their backs on a whole kingdom.
Harry should look at nation over self. It is not too late to turn his back and come home. The nation and royalty must be retained except the people in a referendum decide otherwise. Harry in this his ‘stupidity’ is trying to single-handedly take the decision on behalf of the good people of the United Kingdom.
I don’t know who sent him o. This naughty boy.
Gov Yahaya Bello: Leave His Majesty Alone
This query the Kogi Government has given His Majesty, the Ohinoyi of Ebiraland is not sitting down well with me o. So some hours before President Buhari’s visit, a bomb went off in his palace. I hear about 20 people unfortunately lost their lives and scores injured.
You now expect His Majesty to come out with Horse when you and Buhari will be inside a bomb-proof car and surrounded by 1,000 DSS and soldiers to come and do what? You try.
Baba dodged. It is better to live to give succour to the people than to have your bodily parts blown all over the River Niger. Baba took the best advice, he dodged. We don’t even know how far Baba ran when the bomb blast. For all you know, maybe the man don reach Shomolu from the first sound and could not get the night bus on time to come back in time to receive Buhari.
So, this one giving him a query is just wasting his time as usual. Is not someone that is alive that will answer the query? Send the query and we will reply. Any punishment you want to give, give, we will take because life is too sweet my brother.
Instead of you sending emissaries and a new wife to His majesty to calm down his nerves you are sending a query. Query for bomb? I just tire.
Datti Ahmed – Fear of ‘FFK of Cambridge’
The other day, I saw the LP running mate to the great Peter Obi break down in tears as he explained how his family was rubbished. He said this is not fair and that there should be boundaries as he cried like a school boy who just lost his chop money. I pitied him and felt like hugging him and whispering in his ear, “you will not kuku win, why not just resign now and save us all these tears.”
I didn’t even know who made him cry until I saw a post from Chief Femi Fani-Kayode saying that, ‘he no kuku get mind.’ Wow!
You see, Chief FFK of Cambridge is lethal. I have told him he should open a school of political yabis. He is fearless and has no boundaries. Although he has a soft chin and has shown that he too cannot take the punches so his defense is aggressive offensive. He will come at you with vile and so much power that you will have no time to come back at him or attempt a push.
While you are thinking of what to say, he has hit you with ‘smelly dog, back bencher, son of a whore’ and you will be reeling from the blows and end up in tears like gentleman Datti.
I now call him FFK of Cambridge. He is a third generation Cambridge man who revels in it as he climbs that pulpit to bully you to maximum effect. In the country today, it is only Dino I think that can match him. Sending Datti to him is like sending a two-year-old to a fight with a WWF wrestler. Na mauling.
FFK is now prancing about, feeling like the undisputed champion and I am begging Arise TV instead of wasting time trying to organise debate with Tinubu who will come and speak Martian language, they should arrange a slug fest between FFK of Cambridge and bulldog brower Dino Malaye.
That is the contest we want to see. Not this ‘aje butter’ Datti that will be crying all over the place seeking pity.
No pity here, na presidential campaign and this is for men and not boys. Mr. Datti better go and abuse his mother back or get someone to do it for you, na that tears we no want see. Is this how you will go and cry at the United Nations when Putin tell you to shut up? Abeg, you never ready.
AdeNike Macaulay – Not A ‘Waka Pass’
The giant lifestyle firm Wakanow has just announced my niece in-law its substantive Managing Director/CEO. Let me be ‘prouding’ o. It is not everytime that a family used to achieve great things like this. Now Adenike is married to Deji Macaulay whose mother is the ever beautiful Clara Macaulay who is elder sister to the super beautiful Maryan Ezechukwu who is now the immediate elder sister to my wonderful late wife Erelu Mena Joseph Edgar who born my son Alvin. Wait. There is also Uyo who is a lawyer and wife of Austin. Should I continue?
I am giving all this family tree so that Osa will not now wake up and say that I am not related to her. I go her wedding and they handed her over to me to receive before I handed her over to my all-time hero and bohemian of life Jimi Macaulay, her father in-law.
Nike before now was the first African General Manager at Lufthansa, covering West Africa and the Caribbean. She is a powerful professional, strict and efficient and it is no wonder that Wakanow, which is evolving, grabbed her.
She is a shining light not only to professional women all over the world but also to professional men who will just have to continue encouraging such brilliance. Well-done sister, God is on the throne. Greetings from Uncle Edgar. Na me.