Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Duke of Shomolu: Abstinence is Best Cure

For those of us who grew up in the 80s, we were not told to use protection when having sex, we were told to practise abstinence. Who ‘abstaining’ help? We did not abstain o, instead we dived in and carried everything that needed to be carried and shared the experiences.

Anyways, now in my 50s, abstaining is now looking like my lot. I had a long talk with my very brilliant friend Dr. Vincent Nwani who is ‘Obidient’. Like most politically aware ‘youths’, he stands for Peter Obi. He is rabid and very dedicated to the course. He called the other day, saying “Chief Coach, it looks like you are lukewarm towards our movement. We need people like you in the struggle.”

I was at the famous Alade Market in Ikeja being cheated by a very ‘wicked’ woman who realising that I was a ‘single’ father trying to do ‘going back’ to school shopping for his son, Alvin (Alvin is late Erelu’s son) tripled the cost of everything.

I replied: “My brother, Vincent. I cannot in my right conscience vote for any of these top three contenders. I would rather exercise my right of abstinence than contribute to the further damage of Nigeria.”

I could hear him breathe heavily.

Yes, it was Khalifa Muhammadu Sanusi II that first put the thought in my head. He had told me at a private meeting that if this is the best we can throw up as Nigerians at this time, then it is really sad. Since then, I have been thinking very seriously about my choices come 2023.

I have looked very critically at the top three and have come very sadly to the conclusion that neither will provide the kind of leadership needed at this time. So, what do I do?

At 53, I will hunker down as we fly into continued turbulence come 2023 and hope that we will not crash before 2027.

It is not all darkness. Obi and his ‘Obidient’ movement have forged a reawakening making him the John the Baptist of Nigeria. I see him as the forerunner who has only come to announce the new leader who should emerge in time for 2027.

Obi is a major member of the power structure that has beheaded Nigeria. He has provided only an arrowhead for the movement and does not own it but what he has done is to cement the movement, position it and give it a tiny seat on the power table. He will ‘cave in’ and cut a deal with PDP at some point, losing his puritanical image and paving the way for credible leadership that will emerge in 2027.

So, my people, it is sad that at my age, I will not use my thumb print to help install another ‘son of a wh$re’ in my second to the last very active election cycle. I’d rather skip and wait for 2027 because these ones we are seeing are merchants of darkness. Come and beat me. 

Nyesom Wike, Pepper Dem

That the expansive Governor of Rivers State is a sore loser is no more in contention. Since his double whammy loss at the PDP primaries, Nigeria has had no rest. Rightly he has been on the podium screaming that he is now the talk of the country. True, how will he not be the talk when he will not let us rest. He has cried all over the place, abused, taunted, caused enough confusion, crossed party lines and generally behaved like a spoiled brat.

I saw a video of him recently in all green, sarcastically taking his colleagues out. Daring them to deliver their states and stop talking about him. As he spoke, his court jesters would break into song and he, like a loose-headed Emperor, would start dancing ‘kwashiokor’ dance. He is such a character. The musician even hailed his ‘designer suit’. Me I did not see any designer anything o. What I saw was the Nigerian flag put together by a tailor in Obi-Akpor for him to manage that day.

Wike can only be an issue in a demented society like ours. What is his claim to fame but the huge resources of Rivers State? A career politician who has not earned an entrepreneurial kobo in his life but suddenly with a despotic hold of a state’s resources suddenly turns himself to the ‘issue’. If Wike was Governor of Taraba State with no disrespect, will we all be so enamored by his parochialistic tantrums? I doubt it.

The mumu PDP people who are even allowing all of this to happen and can’t call his bluff are even more senile than him.

Imagine the whole world flying everywhere to go and woo him? For what na? That they cannot call his bluff simply illustrates my earlier position that there is no true leadership that will come out of this 2023.

If Wike is now the issue in Nigeria, please count me out. Sad.

Iyorchia Ayu, Listen to Your Children

The stubbornness of geriatric disposition. I just form that phrase o. Like my brother, the big-headed politician from Edo State who used to speak grammar that even the Queen will find hard to understand me, I have formed new one for prehistoric grandpa- Mr. Ayu.

This man has been there, seen it all, fumbled and wobbled all over the place through the centuries and is still standing here and calling people ‘children’.

I was born in 1969 and I am in near retirement now, handing over my structures to fresh legs and minds. This one is still standing here with dentures and saying that ‘children do not understand the vision of PDP.’

Please, if you listen to Mr. Ayu, you will think when he is talking about PDP, he is talking about the Republican Party of the US or the Conservative Party of the UK. This ‘yeye’ PDP that has somersaulted all over the place that he is standing and talking about o.

Why won’t the party be floating rudderless with this kind of leader? Is it not the same man Obasanjo sacked some years ago that they have gone to recycle and bring back to lead them as they attempt to get back in power?

What has he brought to the table? All these stubborn grandpas who will not just voluntarily leave the stage are becoming endemic. They are everywhere o. In APC, they even remain the preferred candidate. I just tire.

Pa, please let me stop before you curse me, me I cannot afford that, but if I was to advise you, I would say, listen to your children and just go before na diaper we go dey supply for the Chairman’s office at the Secretariat. Respect yourself and just GO.

Niyi Akintola: The Yoruba SAN

My big brother, the very good-looking Hon. Chike Ogeah hardly gets angry and when he does, he prefers his anger in private. But this time, he no gree o. He said, “Edgar, write am say, when we discuss the matter, that I was traumatized to a point of numbness that a SAN can be so bigoted and narrow-minded.” Egbon Chike vex o. Really vex o.

Me, I just laugh because I have reached the point of, ‘what else can happen’. Oga Chike was numb at such flatulence but me, I have been numbed ever since by the collective ‘stupidity’ we evoke as a nation.

How can a rational mind explain this one now. This Baba is saying that Yoruba people met in Ibadan and decided to ignore Olumide Akpata and that if not for some of them that broke ranks, the ban would have been total. He did not stop at that but went on to call the well-respected Akpata, a boy and a transaction lawyer.

You see, if someone follow these kinds of things, you will do something stupid, like walking up to Yoruba-Ibadan SAN and pissing on his cheap shoes.

Elder ooooo, agba, person of age na him dey talk like this. Getting angry is to fuel his nearsightedness. That was his moment in the limelight and he took it and fired from his half erect member, a dud missile that went nowhere.

Let’s not humour him by taking him and his ilk seriously. Olu Akpata is a fine gentleman. He went into an Association and upturned years of arrogant hierarchy that was suffocating the institution, replaced it with vibrancy and all they could pay him with was to steal phones.

My Oga Chike, please let’s calm down. History vindicates the saints; Akpata will be vindicated no doubt. Let’s just ignore, me, I have ignored since. Let’s do Afang one of these days, so you can calm down-make BP no go nack you for matter wey no get meaning. Rubbish.

Femi Falana, Let’s Stop Putting ‘Fire’

Me, I have tried to avoid daddy. The last time I wrote about him, it was the aforementioned Chike Ogeah who called me when I was on top of a woman to ask me, “Wetin Femi Falana do you oo?”

I immediately climbed down and started to fear. “Oga Femi dey vex o, he say you yab am last week for your column.”

My people since then, no matter what Oga talk and he can mistalk many times, I keep a distance and no look for him trouble o. Me, wey never chop na him I go come dey hire transaction lawyers to defend me for court?

But seriously, on this ASUU matter, I think daddy should rise above his career in ‘social criticism’ and play a more consensual role instead of putting more fire. ASUU may be legally right, but the economics of the issue is not helping their matter. The government’s ineptitude is worsening the matter.

If you see the report of how much the government is owing CBN, you will get kidney stones. I tell you. So, saying that the government all of a sudden has paid international airlines and as such should in the same vein do something about ASUU shows a remarkable lack of understanding of the economics of the issue – please sir, don’t vex with that statement o.

You see sir, we have to forge a middle ground. Government is broke! The fact that they are doing some unconstitutional and backyard things to meet demands in other areas does not mean that they should be encouraged. You should kindly use your weight to join the negotiations with a view of securing a middle of the road solution and not encourage them to hunker down.

This thing is very simple my Lord. Tertiary education should never have been the government’s responsibility in the first place. If it is in the constitution then too bad. Let the government let go, put in place firm regulatory structures and set up strong welfare schemes that would protect indigent students and sell the schools straight. Use part of the money they realise to pay the backlog of salaries and entitlement and set up an annuity for the rest and just back off.

ASUU too should also look elsewhere for their funding. Why is UNILAG on strike with the goldmine they are sitting on? If this is not hypocrisy I don’t know what else is.

Please my lord, let’s stop putting fire in the matter and be a little bit more consensual. The economics of the situation is not helping ASUU and they can go on strike from now till eternity, the Government will still not be able to meet their demands. Simple.

Chike abeg be on standby to follow me go beg o, in case daddy vex again o.

A Godson, Dele Alake, Speaks

You know when you are a direct beneficiary of a warped system, it will be hard to be objective. Bros has said that there is nothing wrong with godfatherism and went ahead to compare Awolowo with this one we are seeing today o.

The mistake Oga is making is that he is confusing godfatherism to mentorship. What Awo did was mentor, guide and empower his people using a clear ‘left of centre’ ideology. That is why you see such intellectual giants like Bola Ige, Baba Jakande, Ebenezer Babatope and the late former Ogun State Governor, Bisi, something flourish.

Please, can you compare yourself or Gbaja to these people I just mentioned. You that you are under the school of godfatherism, what is the ideology of your school, what is the expansive vision of your school towards the society? Have you ever seen the masterpiece they are talking about? Running errands under a godfatherism school can never be likened to the tutelage dem Jakande got under Awolowo.

My brother, godfatherism is evil as it builds a close structure where the currency of trade is loyalty and nothing else. See Ambode, Aregebesola and maybe Fashola at some point and see how they were treated when they dared to ask questions.

Under Awo’s style, was it like that? Please, just keep quiet and continue to be enjoying the crumbs that come from your being such a good student and follower and leave us to be wallowing in our servitude. Just sha know that #thereisgod. Lol!

Bimbo Ashiru – ‘Egbon’ Has ‘Japa’

When I first saw the pictures out of Ontario Canada, I was afraid o. My fear was that my very influential big brother and newly minted Chairman of the huge indigenous conglomerate – Odua Group, also has japa.

The way people are running away, I would not be surprised if one day President sef japa. But I relaxed when I got a call from him later in the night.

He was with super brilliant Investment banker Mark -George who is the Executive Director Investments of the group and they were, on the back of the ongoing Canada – Nigeria Business and Investment Expo holding meetings with strategic Canadian players in the agriculture, innovation and technology, construction and medical sectors.

They also had very fruitful discussions with the Ontario State legislature, the premier of the State – Doug Ford and the Minister of Economic Development. I even heard that the Honourable Minister of State FCT – Dr Ramatu Aliyu Tijani also participated in the talks.

Nice one.

Ayo Aderinwale: The Blues of the Matter

Dr. Reuben Abati fresh from his wahala with Nyesom Wike appeared at this real august occasion. It was the 60th birthday of one of Nigeria’s most cerebral fellows, the great Hon. Ayo Aderinwale.

We were all instructed to wear blue and come with an empty stomach. That was how I appeared at one of the most elegant events I have attended in recent times. The Federal Palace Marquee venue of the event was turned into a huge mantle of blue. The hall was so beautiful that I opened my mouth in amazement. I sat with the elegant Kolade Ojo-Osagie with his very beautiful wife. Between Kolade and I, five plates of small chops vanished.

Chief Obasanjo who has been Ayo’s main Oga for the last 30 years leads a mantle of very prominent Nigerians to celebrate a very brilliant and astute Nigerian. Oga Ayo is a successful entrepreneur who continues to create jobs and empower youths while still contributing to seminal discussions on Nigeria.

It was a beautiful event I tell you and the high point was during his vote of thanks when he said the following immortal words: “And I want to thank my crazy brother, the porn-loving, Afang-eating, coke-drinking Duke of Shomolu.”

Kai, my head swell o. See all these big Yoruba people with big agbada and my Oga remember to greet me. I was happy o. When I got home, I told Duchess, you see why it was good that you did not take the advice of your sister, Roli, who asked you to leave me when you caught me with the sales girl at Awosheyin Street. Today, you will not have been with a man that has just been celebrated by a man who was celebrating his 60th in the most elegant fashion and with some of the most prominent Nigerians in attendance.

Happy birthday my Lord and may God give you many fruitful years and more prosperity. Well done sir.

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