A FORGIVING HEART AT CHRISTMAS

Forgiveness helps the healing process and enables us to move on in life with meaning and purpose, writes Cosmas Odoemena

Christmas is when we commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ. It’s a time for celebration. It’s a time of joy. It’s a time of goodwill. While we find it easy to show our goodwill to some people, there are still others we nurse grudges against. Those we call enemies and have kept malice with for long, and we have told ourselves they can never be part of our goodwill. We have vowed never to forgive them. But while we may not want to forgive a person’s wrongdoing, we can separate the offender from the offence. In this period of love and happiness, we can learn to forgive. It might seem difficult. But it’s what we do all the time without even knowing it. Forgiveness is hardwired in us. It’s what makes us human.

We forgive our parents for disapproving of our choice of life partners. For insisting that we follow their religion. For not believing in our career choice. For refusing to take their medications. For separating or divorcing. For abandoning the family.

We forgive our siblings for being the ones our parents dote on. For leaving the dishes for us to wash. For not helping out in the house. For not acknowledging us as adults. For having smarter children than ours. For building beautiful houses while we remain tenants.

We forgive our spouses for frequently coming back home late from work. For caring more about their career, their shops, and their businesses more than their family. For nagging too much. For not knowing how to cook. For cooking beans with gas when the price of gas is on the high. For being demanding. For being materialistic. For cheating on us. For farting right under our nose. For insisting on the children attending expensive schools when there are cheaper alternatives. For insisting on spending Christmas in Dubai when money can be saved spending it in Nigeria.

We forgive our children for calling us on the phone only when they need money. For breaking the glass cup. For scattering the house. For getting into trouble at school. For being branded the school bully and truant. For keeping bad company. For running away from home.

We forgive ourselves for not forgiving ourselves. For feeling frustrated about things. For feeling inadequate. For our low self-esteem. For not being able to defend our cause. For dwelling on the past instead of the future. For accepting that we could have done better in life if we had taken a different approach to life. For worrying too much. For being troubled by what others think about us. For realizing too late that our children grew up without us being their guide.

We forgive our governments and our leaders and still return them to power. We forgive them for failed promises. For our economic woes. For our tumbling naira. For rising inflation. For pitching us against ourselves. For using our youths to cause problems during elections while they keep their children safe. For not doing enough about our security. For a never-ending tale about fuel subsidy. For our bad roads. For our refineries that don’t refine fuels after squandering our money to fix them. For never solving our electricity problems.

Being in a family or being a citizen means being related, being connected to people or an entity bigger than us. For that to be forgiveness plays a significant role. If anything to keep our sanity. And it might come to us as a surprise that it’s a spontaneous thing which comes unmerited. It’s just like the way God forgives us our wrongdoing even before we ask for his forgiveness. Imagine if God were to punish us for all our evil ways. In that same way, we are to forgive others who wronged us. Jesus says to forgive 70 times seven. This means endlessly. It’s not easy. But not forgiving is even a more difficult choice.

Dr. Robert Enright, co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, defines forgiveness as simply “choosing to be good to those who are not good to us.” Don’t adjudicate the hurt. Better not to pick over, better not to count the sins, better not to make a case. It may never end. And we may go on hurting. Instead, energy should be channeled to recognize the inherent worth in the other. That’s what brings about a transformation.

Anne Lamott in “Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith,” said, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” The Buddhists say that “unaddressed vengeful feelings can follow us even after death, and should be expunged lest they become embedded in our next life as ground-floor problems.”

Kelly Corrigan, a writer, says, “the why of forgiveness is more obvious than the how. It takes a lot to break through the wall of emotions (disgust, anger, hurt) that blocks us from forgiveness, especially when the offence is cruel or damaging. How do we even begin?”

A clergy, Michael Lezak, said he has officiated at many funerals where people have not resolved their conflicts, worsening their grief with regrets and shame. “Pain and anger embed themselves in our souls,” he said. “Gone unprocessed, unchecked and, ultimately, unreleased, this subterranean hurt can so easily metastasize, sapping us of potential and impeding us from feeling fully alive.”

Lezak who himself is a Jew says on Yom Kippur, the annual day of atonement, there is a passage Jews read that includes a glaring call to choose life. “Part of this choosing-life business entails building the muscle tone to relinquish grudges,” he says. He believes that the forgiveness muscle builds as muscles do: via repetitive use.

While we bear grudge and refuse to forgive God watches us from above. Not forgiving might just be what is interfering with our blessings and our breakthroughs. It might be delaying our progress at work and our businesses. It might be delaying our getting pregnant and having a baby. It might be what does not make us attract favour and supernatural grace. It might be what is stopping us from fulfilling our destiny. It might be what is responsible for our failing health.

Research has shown that when we forgive we experience psychological benefits ourselves. It decreases anxiety, depression, and unhealthy anger. It can help our blood pressure a great deal. Forgiveness can help to heal us and enable us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary. Imagine even how our country will be if forgiveness takes over the nation. As the newborn King comes to bring us goodness and light, let our hearts be transformed. Let’s forgive!

Dr. Odoemena, medical practitioner, wrote from Lagos