AISHA BUHARI – ‘AFANG’ FOR THE LADY
I just heard that it was my sister Aisha Buhari’s 50th. If you know me very well, you will know that I have a major crush on mummy. Not that kind of crush o before the new Minister of Defence will now use me to score points o. Na harmless crush, the kind that you will just be looking and be looking and be looking. Please make una no push me enter gutter o. But that said, if Buhari has achieved anything in this, his administration is giving us this First lady.
Forget that inflation is 16.47 percent, food inflation is 20 percent and unemployment is hitting the eight percent mark, and naira is trading very close to the Zimbabwean dollar. For Aisha, I will forgive and forget. I tell you. Have you seen mummy? I have never seen her before o, and that is my wish o. Her beauty, her candour, her fearlessness. Me, I am an unashamed fan o. The day I meet her, I will go on one knee and sing one Inyang Henshaw song.
Please, because of her, I will forgive my stupid afang seller. I had sworn never to buy afang from her again. She was very Nigerian to me, imagine. I had asked anybody who tested positive for COVID-19 to go and get free afang at my cost from the woman. Since I cannot be fighting with Dangote and Ahmad to buy vaccine na, my palliative was to give afang to any Lagosian tested positive. People started going, and she was sending the bill to me.
The money come dey plenty, and I started running dry, and I started borrowing money to fund. The more I pay, the money dey plenty. Na my brother, brilliant Chike Iroegbunma wey come give me N20,000 to add. Igbo man o. So when one COVID-19 patient come go and because I like this particular person cos she is a pharmacist who would have contracted it in the forefront of the pandemic, I say take one week supply of afia efere. Afia efere is mad. So when the bill came, I saw N5,000 by this time my account na N12,000 and as my father-in-law used to say – agidi talika- I decide to investigate.
I call the woman, “Madam why N5,000?” She say na N1,000. She had increased the price by 40 percent. Imagine for a humanitarian gesture that was helping her business o. I say, OK. I dropped and called my brother Ajanaku to call the woman and order for Afia Efere. He called me back and said it was N600. So the woman removed the subsidy for only me o. You see why we are in trouble in this country — Akwa Ibom to Akwa Ibom o. So if we restructure, I and her will still go to the new Akwa Ibom country and still cheat me even in the new nation. She removed subsidy from me cos she saw the traffic I was sending to her. Is that life?
Forgetting that I was trying to touch lives, even her life. She increase price for me oh. So I swore never to buy from her again despite the fact that all my covid friends will lose. Someone must stand for something. All of us cannot be Gbenga Daniel.
For the sake of Her Excellency Aisha Buhari, I will lift sanctions just this once and go and get afang and afia efere to be sent to Her Excellency. Mbok, who can assist with a delivery address cos last I heard, she was fighting over a room in Aso Rock. So, I am not sure where she dey now. Abi dem don give her back the room? I don run oh.