The Nigerian SARS Virus


Now, all types of viruses are plaguing us. The Covid one has just hit landfall and is gradually losing steam. But the one I am talking about is not the type that will give you fever and be making you cough up and down. This one will not isolate you o but by the time it finishes with you, you will need urgent medical attention at the Igbobi Orthopedic Hospital for bone and brain restructuring. For me, the thing I used to have against this band of miscreants called SPECIAL ANTI-ROBBERY SQUAD – na them looks o. They used to be looking dirty and scruffy. If you see them and see the real armed robbers, you will definitely not know the difference. The only difference is the red thing they used to use to tie their guns. One of the worst things that can ever happen to any Nigerian is to fall into their net. Their kind of wickedness can only be compared to that of the Gestapo.

Daily we are assailed by all sorts of stories about the way they dehumanize and mete out Boka Haram grade level of terror to vulnerable Nigerians with impunity. Me personally, I have never had any encounter with them. It’s just God. There was one time like that, when they saw me at Sabo bus stop. I was driving in my BMW towards Iwaya – please don’t ask me what I was going to do there – you know, I don’t comb my hair and I have like six tattoos on my sexy body – I kid you not. I look like them, the famous Yahoo boys, although a finer version. That is how the people start to drive behind me. They followed me through Herbert Macaulay, down the road. Driving side by side and looking intently at me with blood-shot eyes. They were profiling me – this one na real Yahoo, but him skin smooth and he fine- they must have been telling themselves. But he get tattoo and he get ‘dada’, they must have told themselves as they decided what to do with me.

Me that is not today, I started in this Lagos, I just drove straight into the army barracks in Yaba where I started my primary school education. Got to the gate, parked and introduced myself to the soldiers and told them that my mother fought civil war and demanded protection. When the ‘sons of diseased mangy dogs’ saw this one, they reversed and went away. Let the vice president be saying he is angry there, that one is in his pocket and the Inspector General of Police be taking over three years to proscribe the band, it is when they have maimed all of us finish that we will all come to our senses? Please, I don’t support the ban on SARS. What we should be doing is a total overhaul of the system that produced this ‘evil virus’. Thank you.