Silence of the Lamb

Muhammadu Buhari

That was what Lagosians and indeed Nigerians did during the governorship and state assembly elections. They voted apathy as a collective but silent protest at the ‘funny’ things that have been going on in the name of elections. This caricature that we are seeing is nothing but an embarrassment as we throw ourselves out to the world as an unserious country. Killings, looting, rape, plunder and all sorts of mischievous things have been the lot of Nigerians as we attempt to choose our leaders.

What we have seen has been a very high level of incompetence and crass malaise as Nigerians voted and that is why in my estimation, a majority chose to stay put in their homes instead of being a part of this mess. Look, very early that morning, I woke up and went to my polling unit and met only six people. Over 500 registered and voted during the Presidential Elections and a deluge was expected this time around. Till I left, only six people had come out. The agent to one of the major parties suggested that they went to the PHCN office to ask them to switch off power so that people could come out. That was how frustrating it was for those who want to continue to lord it over us even though they have nothing to offer. As I left, I decided to tour Shomolu and I kid you not, all 12 units I visited witnessed the same shame: empty and deserted. Even at one station, they were playing football and I smiled at the ‘unity’. PDP and APC agents, INEC Officials and policemen were involved to kill the boredom.

Despite this apathy our overlords are dancing around town, backslapping and congratulating one another for winning an election where 80 per cent of the qualified voters were not interested and did not vote. The symbolism of this lost in the euphoria of wickedness that trails their every move. The good thing about all of this is the fact that at least we have wobbled and fumbled ourselves into another civilian to civilian transition without break thereby extending civil rule. So with that I smile, but if for nothing, this whole exercise can be described in one word – crap.

Nasir el- Rufai – My Prayers Failed

Nasir El-Rufai,

To be candid, this was one candidate I prayed would fail. Me I cannot lie. I don’t know how to hide my mouth, I sincerely did not wish oga well in these elections but then again the people of Kaduna have spoken and the rest of us as true democrats must respect their wishes. As soon as I get enough money to load my phone I will place a call to His Excellency to wish him well. This was a man, I gave my hard respect. I followed his every word and up until very recently stood very much on his side on any issue and secretly wished for a presidential run. But what we have been seeing and hearing come out of his mouth recently has given me a major rethink.

Why and how he fell from the high moral lectern of piety beats me, I only do hope that this second coming would see a much more state manly El-Rufai instead of the things we have been seeing and hearing. My lord, the people of Nigeria are not a conquered people and as such we deserve a huge dose of respect especially in the way, you see some of these issues that cause tensions amongst us. We expect you in this second term to be more of a uniting force, a true national leader and to work for the general interest of the nation and not just a minor few who happen to find themselves in power. Me, I don talk my own if you like listen if you no like continue. History awaits all of us and there is nothing INEC can do to stop it from recording its position in the freest and fairest manner. Once again, congratulations, I really do wish you well, thank you.

INEC – What is This?

As I write this at about 3.30am, six states have been rendered inconclusive. What is really going on? Why can’t you just organize a simple thing like an election abi didn’t your predecessor leave a template that you could at least have copied? Reports all over the nation have painted you in not very good light. We have seen film footages of all sorts of malfeasances going on out there and the staccato release of results also throws a lot of credibility issues on the whole exercise. INEC, to be candid una no try at all. The sad thing about this is the fact that this thing we have called election will only succeed in throwing into positions of leadership nationwide people without the true mandate of the people; people who have been thrown up by an inefficient system who will now not have the true mandate of the people and will be pandering to the interest of their ‘cabal’. We are truly in for a rough ride for the next four years.

Just see the way the whole thing has been going and yet someone will be calling himself a Professor and will sleep well at night that he has done a good job. My brother no be am at all, what we have just seen is Jankara. The luck that we have is that apart from pockets of violence and loss of lives it is looking like Nigerians have majorly attained a very high level of political maturity by allowing the legal system to do its job in reevaluating some of these wayo decisions you have reached otherwise, the country would have gone up in flames. Anyways, we will not give up, I am happy the system is looking strong enough to contain all these shock and the judiciary like I have said will most likely redress some of these things. Continue to be doing inconclusive, no problem after all that money budgeted and released, na inconclusive we come dey hear. There is God.

Dapo Abiodun is a Great Guy

Na Hon. Chike Ogeah na him carry me go see this oga. He had just opened a nice spot somewhere in Ikoyi and that day come and see people. I was just counting all the great Nigerians you see on the pages of newspapers some of dem sef even CNN used to interview them o. I just sat on one corner and was just looking. Well anyways ever since that first meeting and several talks later I think I can say that Mr. Abiodun is very very close to me. He may not remember my name or even recognize me, that is his problem. The truth is that we are very close at least in my own estimation.

So even when he panicked after the stoning incident, I sent a message to him that the stones were not meant for him and that they were meant for a certain long-necked and gap-tooth individual that he should not worry. Na him go stand for wrong place at a wrong time. So eventually he has won and I am still waiting for his call to tell me thank you. Be like say the man no go call, no problem I will send him text. Mr. Abiodun, this is a call to serve and not a call for Owambe. This is a call for unity, progress and true development of Ogun state. The place is dirty I swear. It is not just talk, the state is suffering and this vote is a cry for help by the people who happen to be my in-laws – yes I marry for Abeokuta on that road that leads to Eleweran so I am involved. Please bring urgently needed infrastructural development to the place. Your predecessor was wearing long cap every where and really not doing so much. It is not by cap sir. We have implicit confidence in your ability and do wish you well. Well-done.

Emmanuel Udom – The Anointed

Emmanuel Udom

You know I have a song for you: ‘When things like a river attempted my way, when things start to be funny, no matter what it is, just remember God leads the way, it is well, it is well with my soul.’ That is the song I sang when I repeated form four for the third time. As I looked at the letter they gave me to withdraw from the school and the tears as they dropped from my father’s eyes and also as I watched my mother getting ready to give me the first of 49 slaps, I just started singing that song. ‘…….It is well, it is well with my soul…..’. mbok the next time I heard that song was when Rev Chris Okotie sang it when he saw the results of the elections the first time he attempted to be our President. Only like six people voted for him.

He just knelt down and wept, singing the song. So my brother you have conquered the lion of wherever he comes from. The one that calls himself uncommon politician. You have given him and his backers an uncommon defeat in an uncommon way and sent him straight into the dustbin of uncommon history. You were able to do this because of your uncommon stand against tyranny, your uncommon stand with the people of Akwa Ibom and with their destiny and that is why God has uncommonly stood by you. He has made you David against the goliath of our country; bound their mouth and render them unable to declare the elections in our state inconclusive. ‘Ettebong, Abasi adiong fi’. Now focus. The work just started, you have to deliver a legacy of performance no time to be wallowing in unnecessary celebrations. The people need immediate succor and development. We gave you the vote massively so that you will have a strong pedestal to work. So work oga.

Gentleman Agbaje

Jimi Agbaje

What drew me to this gentleman is his approach to politics. His desire to build consensus, debate, tackle issues and ethical-based approach to things. They laugh at him and say he comes out every four years and has not been able to turn his pharmacy into a Forbes-rated concern. The hypocrisy of it all is belly-aching. At the centre we are hailing someone for having only one house and 150 cows for the last 100 years and say he is a man of integrity and here the same attribute is leading to abuse. Well, Mr. Agbaje the truth is that you truly do have the love and support of a vast majority of Lagosians whose voices have been muzzled by the very strong forces of local imperialism. In our hearts we know just who should lead us and that is why you notice that people did not come out to vote because they are just tired of having their voices muzzled. I thank you for making the call to your main opponent, shows you are truly a politician of grace that should be courted by all right-thinking people.
We are making plans to host you to a massive afang summit where you will be hosted to a sumptuous meal of afang and fufu. I know these past few months have not been easy. Pele. I will work with the Thompson brothers to make sure this party comes to an actualization. Welldone Egbon. God bless.


If I don’t write this one, my madam will kill me o. You see this lady politician attended the same school as my madam, St. Annes in Ibadan abi is it St. Louis. Mbok St. something jo. Since she emerged, I have not drunk water in the house o. She is the best thing that has happened in Ibadan since Mokola. I must write something about her and we must go to Ibadan to vote even when the constituted authority had been kicked out.

So last week, I was supposed to make a commentary that would have ensured she won the elections and since I failed to write the article, I was now the sole reason why her candidate lost and I must suffer. My people you see my life. So because of the pressure, I decided to listen to the lady speak. Mbok, come and see fire. This woman was strong; a powerful orator, a keen daughter of the land with sound vison and major clarity. As she spoke I could feel the fire in her — and at the end of the speech, she screamed in Yoruba ‘I am the Jagaban of Ibadan’ and the crowd jumped and I jumped from my lap top and fell in love. This was power, this was enigmatic and this was the kind of symbol that can raise us from the lethargy of apathy that continued misrule has thrown us into. Sadly, and expectedly she did not do well in the elections and it is all my fault. I should have written that one article and all the Penkelmese of Oyo including this Makinde person would have all just fallen down. Well, that is tyranny of those who own the key to the bedroom. What can we do but to plead our case and hope that judgment is not rendered inconclusive.

My former friend o. I have not seen or heard from him in years. Last time I saw him, it was in the thick of one of those fuel scarcities in 2015. He had sent for me, taken me to his base and asked his people to show me all the fire trucks he had. He did not stop at that, he asked them to start spraying water so I can see that the trucks were in good condition. He showed me huge tanks that can carry enough fuel to power Africa and in all these I just needed 50 litres of fuel. Since then a lot has happened to him, he has contested for governorship and lost and has built a stadium in his village for his soccer club. Today, he has emerged as a senator defeating the Uba brothers who were very strong contenders. Finally, Dr. Ubah now has a platform. His cry has always been to be taken seriously by the system and allowed to show what he can do for the nation. Today he is now a senator. let’s just take a front-row seat and watch. My lord congratulations and welldone.

Is Tunde Bakare a Comedian?
This is in no way to derogate the profession but to better situate this news report that I am reading. Pastor Tunde Bakare is reported to have said that he wants to succeed President Buhari and that he will be throwing his hat into the ring. Now you see why I am asking if the gentleman is a comedian. This made me laugh to the point where I fell off my seat and farted, making my daughter upset with me and shout ‘joeeeeee!!!!!!”. Mbok don’t blame me, it’s just the ludicrousness of the talk na him want kill me so. So 180 million of us will now suffer the next four years as we dey plan to suffer and after all that stroll in the wilderness, na this one we go come dey contend with.

Please don’t let me kill myself with laughter. Look Mr. Bakare read my lips – DON’T TRY IT. Let me just keep quiet at this point and wait to see if you were just trying to amuse the people around you at that point or if you were indeed serious. When you really come out we will know how to address that kind naked dance in the park. Please listen to me sir, Nigeria needs very serious-minded individuals with an abiding vision for the betterment of the people and with a keen interest in socio-economic development of the nation, taking advantage of the ongoing dynamics in the global economy to better position ourselves. I hope you understand what I just said and this practically rules you out. Stay in your church and monitor tithes; aren’t they dwindling? That should be of your paramount interest. Please don’t let me vex, allow us concentrate on the wahala we have found ourselves for the next four years. Don’t come and add your own sir. Thank you.


Subomi Balogun

You see, what most people don’t know is the fact that daddy was the one that inspired me into investment banking. I used to come from Ibadan where I was a very serious scholar of Nigerian politics and one of the leading lights in the Political science department of the great University of Ibadan. People like James Etonirun and Bode Sojobi were cotemporaries. We used to discuss and analyze Nigerian Politics while eating Amala and Ewedu with no meat at the famous Black market near the Independence Hall. In those days, I will sneak into Lagos straight to the Tinubu square to buy Okirika clothes to continue to sway the babes. It was one of those days that I stumbled on daddy.

He had just come to work in his gleaming car. The chauffeur jumped out to open the door and I saw the pinstripe suit complete with pocket square and a bespectacled gentleman and I was transfixed. Mbok, I stand there looking like I had just seen my Lord and savior. I asked the Igbo man selling the Okrika who was that and they said it was the baba ‘wey get the building’. I followed him, watching his every move as he entered the building. The suit was killing me, the majestic carriage messed me up and the way he answered to the greeting like royalty with a touch of class and humility just finished me.

I entered the building and saw the plaque that changed my life. It said something like ‘this building is a testament to……’ I don forget abeg, and that day, I swore to be whatever it is that he was. I found out that he was an Investment Banker and I became one vowing to work for him even if it was the last thing I did. I joined CSL stockbrokers, a member of the FCMB Group as head of business development and got my career goal fulfilled. After 15 months, I walked up to him to say I was leaving. He didn’t know me, but when I finished telling him my story, he was in tears. After 20 years as an investment banker, I had served my icon and it was time I left. As I walked away from him that day telling myself in Ibibio – ‘ awo adro’ meaning ‘that is a man’. Happy birthday sir and God will continue to keep you for us.