The Duke to Buhari: Listen Up!

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Muhammadu Buhari

Anytime I want to write you, I will just be confused because I do not know who to address my missive to; whether you or the cabal they say is controlling you. Well, to whoever, let me just say my own little piece. You see, everybody is shouting, talking this and that. Some are supporting all these your kurukere moves, others are calling you Satan. You see my brother, let me tell you the honest truth, all these things you are doing (or is it your cabal is doing) is not doing you well. You will win these elections o but you will be morally bruised. Now weigh it, see how difficult it has been for you to rule with the massive public support you got in 2015 now compare it to ruling without that moral authority. It will be herculean and terrible. You have to really slow down Oga and look at things differently. Let me tell you some home truths: You are very unpopular country wide, your economic policies are killing us, your war against corruption is hobbled and you have surrounded yourself with people who do not have your interest at heart. Shebi you have listened to the alleged Amaechi tapes.

That one is just a tip of the iceberg. You must begin to look sincerely at your legacy, how history will judge you and your place in the pantheons of our memory sir. It is not to be carrying broom around the country surrounded by confirmed yes -men. All these people were with Jonathan and left him for you not because your wife can cook or because they love you so much. It is because they see in you the honey pot and would certainly leave you the moment they feel you are no longer in their interest. So my lord, it is not too late to put a halt to all these and better position yourself for posterity. What you are doing now or allowing them to do in your name is only pushing you towards the great dustbin of history. God has been kind to you by allowing you rule us twice. We can understand the first one, you not be prepared but this second time, you worked for it, asked for it and begged for it and we all supported you and gave you our mandate so why all these tears? My lord, we are not happy and that is the gospel truth. We remain a scarred people and no matter the number of brooms you wave at us, or the number of people who are corralled to your rallies, we remain a conquered people. This is the little talk I felt like talking this morning, the ball is really in your court and there is a reason why we have good presidents and truly great presidents. Really up to you. Me? What do I even know?

Ezekwesili – Mummy has Run Away!
Please don’t let me laugh. Na so dem dey play politics? This has been a laugh-a-minute campaign. First, we go for rally and na Buhari dem dey shout for the rally. You see this is what you get when you begin to believe too much your own hype. You start to think you are more than what you are. Who plays politics without being thrown up by a grouping? Who supported this candidacy, women, professionals, spinsters, NLC, ASUU who? Which region? Eventually, mummy smelt the coffee and ran away leaving behind her controversy that may close any attempt at a comeback to public office under any guise. Even her party has asked for an audit of the amount raised during the campaign. This was really unfortunate because this was not strategic in any way. This did not come out as a campaign of a focused and inspiring leader but instead came out like an angry housewife or mummy who just found out her husband was sleeping with the maid. This was what Aunty brought to the national platform. Please let me say this very clearly once again: Forget that we are being parodied by funny leaders, Nigeria remains a very important country globally, with over 180 million great people, some of the richest mineral deposits and a great historical pedigree. We cannot for the life of me be throwing these kinds of candidates to aspire to rule us. Candidates who come unprepared, who do not understand the flow of power dynamism, candidates who do not understand the delicate threading that hold our contending parts together, candidates who have nothing but personal ego to ride as fuel and even from the major parties, candidates who are nothing but near symbols of traditional feudalistic tendencies especially in a modern digital economy that is growing wealth per second. This is tragic. Mummy I bid thee well. Thank you for the distraction. God bless you.

Tinubu vs Atiku – ‘Thriller in the Jungle’
This fight no be easy one. These two come really heavy as they represent very strong entrenched interests in our nation. Tinubu is the golden boy, the man with the Midas touch. The one with the golden testicles that can make things happen. Look for his trouble at your detriment. He has won every fight and only drew with OBJ. Atiku on the other hand is a major fighter, a veteran of great battles and a heavyweight worth his weight in gold. This promises to be an exciting encounter.

First in the ring is the Jagaban, jumping, huffing and puffing. Too eager to immediately engage. He has had something against this person for sometime now and this is an opportunity he wants so badly. He must scatter his mouth once and for all. As he is jumping and puffing, his people are asking him to calm down o, so that he will not waste energy before the fight. But will Jagaban listen? He is running around like they do in Oshodi, calling Atiku names, hitting his head on the canvas and generally showing what stuff he is made of.

And then Atiku is announced. He is striding into the ring very calmly, and cool. He will not be deterred by all these theatrics. In his corner is Saraki, Wike and other top PDP chiefs with Ben Bruce speaking his usual English. Atiku climbs into the ring, his pants a little bit oversized and weary from a long journey – just coming in from the US and dodging the debates. He looks at Jagaban who at this time is getting tired and is being given paranga to regain lost energy.

The referee calls in both fighters and says, this has to be easy, neat and quick. No rigging, no under arm fighting and all the rules must be observed. Then the bell goes out. Atiku immediately sends the first punch which misses the Jagaban but wait for it. The Jagaban faints. He is down, he is out and the fight is over. Kai. The crowd is amazed and the hall is silent. The Jagaban did not even throw a punch. But as Atiku is lifted and is about to leave the ring, he too slumps and collapses. The crowd is thrown into a stupor. The two fighters are down and out Nigeria is in trouble. Our champions are not ready and our hopes as a nation is looking misplaced and misdirected. Mbok, second base abeg.

PROF. Yemi Osinbajo – Good Morning, Sir!
I don’t even know what to say, or how to say it when I eventually realized what I want to say. I have just finished reading your profile on Wikipedia and all I could do is just be shaking my head. You see, each time I see you in those market places doing the trader moni magic I bow my head in pain. Real pain. I have personal respect for you and a far more respect for the office you hold and the ideals you once seemingly held and as such will not say something until I see you face to face. You see, you have been a master in walking in a pigsty with very white apparels and coming out of same without stains. You did this in your tenure at the Lagos State government and the success of that tour of duty may have emboldened you in this your latest role. But as a layman to a distinguished scholar I really want to ask how you see all these goings on as led by your government? Are they truly defensible, are they morally right, are they legally right, are they fair to all, right for the common good? Can they stand the rigours of historical inquest and when your footnote in the history of this country will be written, will it be astute, would you be proud of the results? My lord, I am really afraid of how history will judge this your last four years o. Fear is really catching me because from what we are seeing, you just may not be judged fairly well. One of the heaviest things to carry around is the moral weight that your profession and religious inclinations as a Pastor throws on you as you push this very public life. I exhort you to stand erect, stand tall and hold very uprightly those ideals of fair play, equality and truth and when you find it increasingly difficult to hold on to these things, mbok resign. You will not die. I have said it, it is really up to you to listen and heed. I cannot kill myself, thank you and God bless you.

IMOHINMI EDGAL – God Bless You, Sir!
It was horrendous o my people. Last Sunday as I was negotiating under the bridge at Ojota, I was accosted by sons of the devil in police uniform. They came complete with LASTMA officials and by the time they finished with me, I had lost N90,000 and thoroughly humiliated. I explained that I was the Duke of Shomolu and that I was very close to their CP, all these fell on deaf ears as they harassed and intimidated me and at some point kicked me out of my car and attempted to drive off in it. That one I for commit suicide – do you know how much these our Buharinomics don make car price go to now? I knelt on the road, begged, cried and prayed. But the sons of diseased whores did not listen and after they satisfied themselves with humiliating a whole Duke of Shomolu went into a negotiation which started from the princely sum of N180,000. I could only join in the ‘IMF talks’ because that is what the country has turned into.

I begged for N20,000 and the man almost slapped me. I looked into his eyes, they were bloodshot and he looked like he could impregnate his mother. Well, we finally agreed for N90,000 and they asked me how I was going to move the funds to them. We agreed to go to the nearest ATM. I called all my people, nobody picked my calls o. All my fans, wives, political associates, everybody nobody picked o. I started calling my political opponents, everybody even Oshiomhole, nobody picked o. Finally, Chike picked and transferred N50,000 to me without questioning. Na so we enter bank o. UBA o. I was praying for the ATM not to work so that I could at least recommence negotiations. But na so the ATM cough up the money o. I was out of pocket by N90,000 by the time they left me thoroughly humiliated and scared for my life in the densely populated Mile 12 far from my kingdom in Shomolu.

The story now got even more exciting. I sent a broadcast to my friends explaining what had just happened to me and two of my friends – Eniola and Demola Sanyaolu in righteous anger contacted the Police PRO for Lagos who immediately called and asked me to meet up with him at Force Headquarters. Me? Police again? I say thank you but no. He called back after five minutes that the CP himself said I should come. Well I stood up and carry myself to the place.
The man is a gentleman, a fine officer and very professional. He informed the CP of my presence who gave appropriate instructions. Immediately the most handsome police officer I have ever seen, Superintendent Abubakar, officer in charge of X squad appeared. Kai, come and see energy, he said let’s move.

I was still fearing. Before I knew what was happening, he had mobilized and I saw the finest trained policemen in my life. Excitement catch me, me sef I started jumping – oya o – oya o, let’s go, let’s go. I was so proud of police that day o. CP was monitoring as we moved. Kai, as we got to the place, the suspects were still there looking for new victims. Come and see the way Abubakar jumped out of his car shouting – arrest them. Mbok, the men jumped and scampered with Abubakar and his team giving hot, chase, shouting as they were moving. They left me with a beautiful policewoman to protect me and guide me. I say please hold me, hug me fear is catching me. She held me and comforted me that they were not armed. I say still hold me, fear is catching me. I have never seen this in my life, na for film I dey see this. This team of policemen were just so wonderful, come and see them flying the express, risking their lives, jumping trucks, scaling fences in a bid to apprehend these bad eggs. Finally, after one hour they were rounded up. Kai.

We went back to the station for our statements. My people, they got my money back, apologized to me profusely and told me how the police are fighting to rid the force of bad eggs like these. With what I saw, I really believe them. It is not an easy work but I know with determination and zeal, Edgal will succeed. Thank you, sir. Let me seize this opportunity to ask all Lagosians to support the police. It is not easy for them o. With my little experience I now see them in better light. They really deserve our support and respect. To Edgar, Chika, Abubakar and the team of the X – Squad in Ikeja, I say thank you and God’s infinite protection. You are indeed true Nigerians. But those guys chance me o. I come dey cry. Kai.

UK, US Visa denial – Who Cares?
What is that? Who is even interested in your visas? This is your response to the tragedy that is about to happen in our land that you will deny visas to people who rig the elections. How that solves the problem is beginning to worry me o. If you cannot send very strong and forceful signals to ensure transparency and free and fair elections, then just keep quiet and continue doing whatever you are doing in this country. Is it today? You guys are part of the problems with your hypocrisy and two-faced talks in matters of national interest. Shebi they have kuku told you to mind your business. Mbok, let’s have a much more practical position from you to protect our lives and polity, otherwise just go.

N50b tears Lagos Apart
They say the Federal Government has released N50b being refund of something to the Lagos State Government and that is why we are seeing all this naked dance o. The water has been stirred, all sorts of people need the funds for reasons very far from altruistic and the stumbling block to these huge funds must be removed. Remember that part of the allegation is that oga was not allowing free flow of resources and that party members were suffering and he was not taking calls. Now the masqueraders are dancing naked, roaming the streets with torches looking for what or who to burn in their quest for the honey pot. You see why I believe very strongly in history and its harsh judgment on those who do not stand well. My people, there is nothing altruistic with what is going on in Lagos politics, the common good is the last thing in the minds of all the combatants. What we are seeing here is an orgy, a feeding frenzy that would leave the common man with little or nothing. We are powerless to fight, we have no structures, our heroes are limp with fear, castrated and rendered impotent. All we have is our tears and a hope in the God who seems to have slept off while the season of anomie continues in seeming perpetuity. I stand naked as I write, looking towards the heavens and wondering if the days in Egypt are not by far better than these days in the wilderness of greed and avarice. Where is this change ooooooo?

An Ode to My Sister – BIKIYA GRAHAM DOUGLAS
Bikiya I just want to say thank you and hello. You have single-handedly tried to sell our culture back to our youths with what you are doing in the theatre space. Your script writing competition where winners earn N1m is a far cry from the crap the Big Brother people are paying to our youths for having sex and behaving badly on live National TV. I hear this year the amount to be won is going to reach N45m. don’t worry Bikiya your N1m is far more influential than that one. Our children will be given strong tenets of discipline, hard work and perseverance under your tutelage. Well done sister and God bless you.