THE ALTERNATIVE STORY
By Reno Omokri
President Muhammadu Buhari has a typical modus operandi whenever he visits Northern states governed by an All Progressives Congress Governor. He shows his insecurity by causing to be published in various media, pictures of what his media team have termed â€˜mammoth crowdsâ€™ that turn out to receive him.
Never mind that a serious President will be more concerned as to why able-bodied youths who should either be at work or at school on a weekday are loitering about the streets to wave to him for the few Naira they are paid.
The presidency just loves to serenade both the social and traditional media with these choreographed pictures, oblivious of the fact that the pictures are proof of what the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics said – that 10 million Nigerians have lost their jobs under President Buhari.
But I was particularly struck as to why the President and his handlers did not behave true to type of the Presidentâ€™s visit to Benue on Monday the 12th of March, 2018.
What happened on that day that a usually boastful Nigerian President did not post photographs of the â€œmammoth crowdâ€ that came to receive him in Benue as before?
Could it be that it was because instead of a mammoth crowd, the President was welcomed to the food basket of the nation with a mammoth silence?
I actually should send the Presidency a bill because I was responsible for sending pictures of the Presidentâ€™s convoy driving through ghostly empty Benue streets to the media.
But trust Lie Mohammed. He would soon say that nobody trooped out to welcome Buhari to Benue because the President has provided so many jobs for Benue people that they were all too busy working to come out and welcome him! If satan is the father of lies, then the APC is the mother.
The funniest thing is that President Buhari is the only VIP visitor to Benue State of recent who did not visit the mass graves of the 73 Nigerians killed by Fulani herdsmen or the Benue IDP camps.
Former President Obasanjo visited Benue and paid his respects to those victims of Fulani herdsmen mass murder, as did Governors Nyesom Wike of Rivets State and Ayo Fayose of Ekiti State.
So why did Buhari not visit that solemn venue? Does he feel guilty? Of course, the guilty are always afraid!
But that was not the worst part of the Presidentâ€™s visit to Benue. The President saved the worst for his town hall meeting with Benue elders and leaders of thought.
The President while responding to questions about his shoddy handling of the security situation in Benue said, â€œI Never Knew the Inspector General of Police Moved To Nasarawa After I Sent Him To Benueâ€.
Dear President Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo, come and see the person who wants to teach you how to fight corruption in Ghana.
A man who is clueless about happenings in his own government wants to teach Ghana how to govern! President Buhari is so embarrassing that no matter how tired a patriotic Nigerian is, he or she will always summon up the energy to get up and change the channel whenever this embarrassment of a President shows up on the television screen!
In fact, after the Presidentâ€™s disgraceful outing in Benue, I compiled a list of 20 things the President does not know.
20 Things President Buhari does not know:
â€¢ The whereabouts of his IGP
â€¢Â The whereabouts of his WAEC certificate
â€¢ That criticizing government is NOT hate speech
â€¢ That he should not recommission projects commissioned by other Presidents
â€¢ That Ghana is less corrupt than Nigeria
â€¢ That West Germany no longer exists
â€¢Â That his VPâ€™s name is not â€˜Osinbadeâ€™
â€¢ The persons who padded his budgets
â€¢Â Those who reinstated and promoted Maina
â€¢ That women donâ€™t belong to â€˜other roomâ€™
â€¢ How much his London trips cost Nigeria
â€¢ That his office belongs to him, not rats
â€¢ That a leader takes responsibility and does not blame others.
â€¢ That the C in APC stands for Congress not â€˜Confidenceâ€™
â€¢ That the N in INEC stands for National not â€˜Nigerianâ€™.
â€¢ That Deutschmarks no longer exist and have been replaced by Euros
â€¢ That the new DG of the National Intelligence Agency didnâ€™t pass promotion examinations
â€¢ What fuel subsidy means (though he pays it)
â€¢ That Boko Haram have NOT been defeated
â€¢ The party his wife belongs to.
But seriously though, if President Buhari does not know the whereabouts of his own school certificates, should we be surprised that he does not know the whereabouts of his own Inspector General of Police? A President without knowledge of his appointees is like a tree without roots! That is why Nigeria is drifting under Buhari. Like I have said before, President Buhari belongs in a retirement home, not at the Presidential villa.
And then on Wednesday the 14th of March, President Buhari visited Dapchi in Yobe State and I was embarrassed for Nigeria so much so that I put a picture of Jonathan when he visited Borno at the height of the Boko Haram insurgency with President Buhariâ€™s picture in Dapchi.
In picture 1, you could see then President Jonathan when he visited Borno at the height of the insurgency in his military fatigues devoid of frills. In picture 2, you saw President Buhari in Dapchi on Monday the 12th of March. What was more important for President Jonathan in Borno was the importance of his troops. What was more important to Buhari was his own self-importance which is why he chose to walk on red carpet at a place of mourning.
The red carpet did not honour you Mr. President. You were walking on the blood of Nigerians killed under your watch!
And the embarrassment continued as the President went to Damaturu and told Yobe State stakeholders that he had ordered the Service Chiefs and the Inspector General of Police to take direct charge of the local operations in Dapchi and brief him daily on efforts to rescue the #DapchiGirls.
My question for the President is this: is the President sure that his officials will obey him? Or will Nigeria hear in two months that the President never knew that his Service Chiefs and the Inspector General of Police never went to Yobe State?
At this stage, I cannot understand why any sane person would continue to support President Buhari in light of his obvious ineptitude and unfitness for the job he now holds.
It is like your child coming home from school with F9 in all subjects and you flog him. You tell him how disappointed you are. Then the child watches you campaign for Buhariâ€™s second term and thinks in his mind what a hypocrite his father is for supporting a failed President and flogging a failing child!
The two major areas President Buhari campaigned on were a promise to fight corruption and a vow to crush Boko Haram and fight insecurity. Boko Haram have abducted more people under Buhari than at any other time and corruption is worse. Not only has he failed big time in both areas, but 10 million Nigerians lost their jobs under Buhari. So please, if you are such a father, go home and apologise to your son before you can campaign for a failure!
Even if your father is a bricklayer, or your mother is a street sweeper, never be ashamed of your parents. Their jobs may have made their hands dirty, but remember that their dirty hands produced the clean money that made you who and what you are today. There is no charm, no talisman, no juju and no good luck fortune that can be as effective as a blessing from your father and mother. So honour and cherish them no matter their status in society #RenosNuggets