You see how my own luck works. I was hanging out with my friend MUDI, the diminutive designer when I suddenly jumped up and wanted to go. He begged me to stay awhile so that he could finish what he was doing and then take me out for lunch. I insisted on leaving, claiming to be running late for a meeting. On my way home, he started calling and because of the fear of LASTMA or is it Police, one does not kuku know which one is more terrible these days to drivers, I refused to pick the calls, promising to call back immediately I got home. Got home and promptly slept off. When I woke up, I had missed Mudi’s call a zillion times. What exactly was wrong with this Delta man? Why was he calling me? Last I remembered I did not owe him o.

So I decided to call him back and in his usual manner of speech blurted out that as I was driving off, the KING of MOROCCO was just arriving his shop. Now, I live somewhere in Shomolu where they call Morocco and we have an Oba who is my direct Neighbour. I see him everyday and did not see any reason for this frenzied reaction to his coming to Mudi’s shop. I responded by telling him that as we spoke, I was looking at the King of Morocco trying to pee in the gutter opposite me. He screamed that it was not that King o, that this was the real king of the North African Country, Morocco that he was about sending me CCTV footage of the visit. That was all he had as evidence since he too was taken by surprise. I asked him to send it as they say in Uyo, seeing is believing.

When the footage came, I was shocked and immediately fell down in tears. Which kind luck follow me like this? King of Morocco appeared and I walked away? During this recession and freeze of MMM?  Kai. According to MUDI, the King on his recent visit to the country was staying at the Intercontinental Hotel in Victoria Island. He suddenly had the urge to sample some of our local but very rich cultural offerings and one of his aides who has been following Mudi’s career mentioned his name. A call was placed and pronto, the king arrived with a 50-man entourage made up of his security details and aides plus some of his Nigerian hosts. In the footage, you will see MUDI taking him round his expansive studios, you will see the King sitting where I sat and you will see MUDI with trembling hands taking his measurements.  Also you will see the King walking round the studio and choosing his designs. At some point, since na CCTV, you will see MUDI in the toilet with calculator, calculating his money, kneeling down and singing in Urhobo dialect, giving praises to God and jumping up and down and shaking his head. At the end, the king was so impressed with what he saw that he invited the Urhobo man to his hotel for a private dinner.

I hear he ordered over 15 pieces and gave him three days to deliver which he promptly did working overnight all of those days. Well I am now a mixed bag of emotions. I remain extremely excited at this international recognition for my highly talented friend and brother. This is another affirmation that his talent remains ubiquitous and far-reaching, sealing for him an apogee of excellence while standing him out from a motley crowd of talents that pervade the African Continent. For me, I remain in mourning for you can imagine what would have become of me, if I had waited just for five minutes, I would have been the one carrying those items on my head as we went to deliver, thereby putting me in a strong position to earn some brilliant dollars. And I trust myself I would have ended up a butler now in the Palace of the king in Morroco, earning good dollars. Well this story is about MUDI. Well done my brother, more power to your elbow. Meanwhile na who hear dey share, I am sending my account number.

The Gambian Comedy of Errors
I watched the video of this person, Jammeh conceding defeat. His praise for his opponent was effusive and self-serving.  Midway into the video, I began to feel uncomfortable as I could see through the hypocrisy. I knew something would go wrong. This near-literate person would not rule for 22 years and then hand over power just like that. No be so we dey do am for Africa. Jonathan was an aberration. So I was not surprised when some few days later, he recanted and claimed the electoral process was flawed, seeking a new one to be supervised by those ‘who fear God’, whatever that means, thereby setting the stage for a disruption of peace in that tiny country. Well, he should be immediately flushed out and thrown into the sea. I particularly do not have patience for these kind people. I give Buhari and his team exactly 48 hours, else, I will move in and do the needful.

Edgar Joseph: Kidnap Attempt Foiled
Last Saturday some people had the guts to try to kidnap me. Me, a whole Duke of Shomolu – Shomolu of all places. It was like a scene from a badly directed movie script. I had gone to buy fuel at a filling station near my house. As I filled the tank and attempted to drive off, one ugly person, dressed in the long robes of Muslim clerics and wearing a blue cap complete with a gold tooth accosted me. He violently waved me down and when I stopped, banged at my windows asking me to wind down. I stupidly stopped and wound down. He barked at me aggressively in Yoruba language that why didn’t I stop on time.  I looked at him believing that he was mentally unstable, but he continued asking if I did not know him, and that why was I pretending not to know him. I told him I did not know him and that he should leave the side of my car otherwise I would hit him. He then screamed,’ take me to Ikorodu’. How na, what juju was he using that I would now just take him to Ikorodu? So I screamed back at him to get off and drove off. My people the drama just began o. He jumped on a bike and gave me a hot chase. He chased me for over 500 meters, swerving in and out of traffic in a bid to catch me. By this time, I knew I was in trouble. Who would want to kidnap or even kill me? Is it because I had just announced my intention of joining politics or was it my landlord trying to steal my wife? As I drove I looked at my rear view mirror and saw the determination this son of satan was using to chase me and fear gripped me.

I started sweating and praying to the God of Silas and Abraham to save me o. I cannot be kidnapped, it will be too humiliating; what will I tell my mother that I was doing that I was kidnapped? As I was driving the drive of my life, I saw myself naked in a shrine in deep Ikorodu bush with calabash on my head and fire inside the calabash spewing out dollars from my mouth. Not that they will even give me a share of the money sef. Kai, this goon must not catch me o. So I drove very fast into an Army barracks. To my chagrin my pursuer packed his bike across the street and waited for me to come out. I now mobilised the soldiers who accosted him. They  dragged him from the bike and started querying him. He claimed to know me in Ikorodu and that I was his prayer partner at the prayer ground there and he did not understand why I was pretending not to know him. When he was asked, he did not know my name or where I lived. He could also not explain why he chased me on a bike for over 500 meters and why he was waiting outside the barracks for me. He was handed over to the police who dragged him to the station as he begged for his life. I also went and gave my statement.

It was at this point that his motive became clear. He confessed. They are a group who specialise in hypnotising people with the word of mouth. The plan was to hypnotise me and get me to drive him to his shrine in Ikorodu where I would have been used for rituals. He was shocked that the ‘thing’did not catch me hence his pursuit because he was cocksure that at some point the thing will catch me. My people I was amazed and began to thank Holy Father for such a miracle. Kai, the funny thing is that my wife would not have even believed sef. She would have thought that I had gone to shack somewhere this Christmas period not knowing that I was in the belly of satan. Well, I am reconsidering my political career if these are the type of things that come with it. I no go even cross carpet, I go just run. I no get power.

Lalong : The Joke is on You
Our sports minister is a maverick. We should not really be too hard on him. He has been the butt of so many jokes especially on the social media since it was claimed that he made the unfortunate statement that they did not know the Falcons would win the tournament hence their lack of preparation for the winning bonus. You see, my take is that since his cousin Fidel Castro died ( una no see the red beret he dey always wear?) he has been in mourning and as such not in a good frame of mind. So I will let this pass. I will not yab him. But be careful sir, you won’t be this lucky next time. Go and sin no more.

Nnamdi Kanu : Calm Down
Did you guys see the footage of my brother sparking in court after it was decided that he would have a secret trial. The sparking no get pair as we say in Shomolu. The guy was not even afraid that he might come down with high blood pressure. I was shocked and amazed at that level of anger o. Kai, he abused everybody plus our dear President and stated clearly that if he could intimidate judges, he would not be intimidated. Where this man get this kind lion heart, I no understand o. But my take is that he should be allowed to watch the Mandela movies. You cannot win this fight with this kind of uproar; you would have to be more tactical and strategic. Fight with style and you will see how you will frustrate your enemies. Mandela in his trial was very systematic. He did not abuse anybody’s father but realised that he had to politicise the trial and appeal to the masses and the international community to live to fight another day. So my brother if you ask me, I think you should emulate Mandela and go the peaceful route. You just may win this battle. Meanwhile, I like that cloth you wore, who sewed it? Can you somehow send me his number make I get one for Christmas? God will protect us all.