Godwin Emefiele, the Recession and that Aladura Church


See there is nothing that God cannot do if you ask properly. Just this last Sunday I walked into one Aladura church for prayers. I have been having problems with the Grinch (will not mention his real name) and I decided that I needed spiritual help against him. This was not going to be a battle fought by mere mortals so I had to drag in the principalities and all the host of heavens. This wahala I have found myself is not the one you will go to all these psychedelic churches where the Pastors like that one in Abuja will be displaying $1m Gucci bags on Instagram you will just die like cockroach. This my wahala with the grinch must be fought in a life blood spitting church where you can feel the real finger of the Lord. So that is how I sewed my white gown with the red belt tied around my waist refusing to comb my hair so that it will look like dreadlocks, I sauntered in and introduced myself to the Holy Messenger as Brother Jero from Shomolu and the magic began. But as we were praying, I swear I saw someone that looked like Emefiele complete with the bald head o.

I immediately forgot my problems and decided to look closely, but becuase of the crowd and sweaty bodies I could not get close enough. I looked for my phone to snap his picture but could not find it, even pick pockets have found themselves into this mount of transfiguration. So I just kept watching. This Emefiele look alike was just jumping and screaming; there was a bell with him and he was ringing the bell and screaming – recession begone!! , the evil of recession leave us by fire!!!!!, dollar come down!!! Dollar, come down!!!!. Kai, I was too far but you know I be busy body so I heard clearly. He was serious o, sweat pouring and barefoot prancing and jumping and after some minutes, he fell into a deep trance and when he came out, the message came. Recession has gone. The train has left the station and anybody who did not jump on the train will have himself to blame. Since I could not confirm who exactly it was I let him to continue with my own special prayers. The Gringe must grant my request whether he likes it or not.

I put his real name in between the book of Micah in the Bible, tied a string around it and screamed his Igbo name seven times but unlike the Emefiele look alike I did not get any message o. Maybe it was because I did not wear any underwear beneath my cassock, so I went home dejected. So you can imagine my shock the next morning when I read in the papers that we had finally turned the bend and that Recession had run away. The message in church was front page. ‘The train had left the station, $1b dollars in foreign direct investments have come in and we were on our way back to glory days’ . I was confused o, that person I saw could not have been the Central Bank Governor o but the message was the same o. Well guys the most important thing is that recession has gone o and we can now resume our lavish lives buying Private Jets for our mistresses and champagne to gaggle with every morning. The God of Emefiele is the one true God ‘all other gods na so so ye ye, all other gods na so so ye ye’.

Rotimi Akeredolu: I had warned him
You know I really understand this our Nigerian political terrain and anybody who does not take my advice will have only himself to blame. When my candidate for the Ondo State governorship APC primary was announced the winner I quickly warned him not to relax o. That he should immediately reach out to the powers that be to appease them and pay homage so that his mandate will not turn to another June 12wahala. Even when I suspected that he was not listening, I started calling him. He would see my calls and refused to pick. I called and called and called to the point that even the phone sef tire. But my man no pick, maybe he was at the barbers to shapen the gray, beautiful beard in preparation for the election proper. Well, my people the come has become the becoming as the late great Mbadiwe will say. I hope the news that they have annulled the thing following petitions from people who had already accepted defeat and even congratulated him is not true. Anyway, a member of our Shomolu parliament informed me that the winner’s name has been submitted to INEC in Abuja. My only advice now baba is to look for the nearest white garment church and start shouting Holy Michael!!!!!!!!!

Hello Dr. Chukwujama
The call came on Saturday and the American accent was still very prominent. ‘Is that Joseph Edgar? These days when I pick calls I don’t answer o. It could be EFCC or Patience Goodluck; people you never can tell where the enemies will come from. So the voice asked again, I looked at my son, sweating with hands shaking. I ran into the toilet at least before they get me here they will suffer small. I responded with my best M.K.O Abiola stammer, ‘ yessssssss, who is is is is is asking’ and the voice continued. The same Joseph Edgar who used to be a stockbroker?” I almost passed out in the toilet. Kai, these people even know my profession. What will I do now and I have not even written my will and my mama warned me o. Who is after me now, I have yabbed so many people on this page since I started o. Could it be Fani Kayode or Dele Momodu who I had just yabbed on one news website? No, it must be Buhari or one of the seven ministers I had asked to be sacked, Kai, it must be Patience Jonathan; she was the one I yabbed last. Nothing that did not cross my mind o. School fees, my housemaid – Kai how will she cope without me in this evil world, my poor mum in Uyo who will bury her. EFCC has finally come, I have talked too much. Who will I call now to beg for me. Should I call Agbaje, he used to be my friend? But he has lost elections, the next person that came to my mind was Obanikoro, that one has run away. I am in big trouble na only PDP people I know and in this era of change any attempt to call Doyin Okupe or Olisa Metuh na to worsen the case. Well, a man has to be a man as I noticed that my teenage son was watching intently to see how his papa would react to threat.

So I answered boldly, yes it is me and the voice said ,’it is me Dr. Chukwujama.’ You should have seen my relief, I almost collapsed from relief. My oga, my original mentor, the man who taught me stockbroking and who gave me my first Cadbury shares to sell. I had lost touch with him since I finished my apprenticeship with him and he found me on the pages of ThisDay, we spoke shared some long distant memories and he told me I was his brightest apprentice, the one most likely to make it. I was so happy o that I told my son how he used to scream my name, Edgarrrrrrrrrrr when as a salesman I could not close a deal and how I used to really wet my pants when he emerged from his office with his american suspenders and in that American twang proclaiming in a deep voice,’ Edgar I am disappointed, you cannot even sell tiny Cadbury shares, guys I am so disappointed’ and then the three of us Charles Hart, Andrew Uwulekhue and long-suffering Head of Sales, Azu Odita, would stand like zombies and fearing not to be stared to death in firm attention will say in unison, ‘we are sorry sir’. We lack these kinds of mentors nowadays. I swear the discipline and firmness have given me the kind of stoic personality that I am today. busybody with Doctor, there  was no human rights o. You mess up, you got it, you did well you were rewarded. The other day I scolded a female staff who had not delivered on her promises in over six months and I got a warning letter  by my superiors. That girl would have not lasted a second in Doctor’s UnEx, for that firm was for the lion-hearted. Even in our inexperience he still pushed us to heights that were never unheard of those days. Filled with fear we once forgot our official car at the Marina car park after trading on the floor and walked back to the office in Ikoyi because we were busy thinking of what to tell Doctor for failing to perform on agreed deliverables. We also had fun with Doctor since he was a man of fun. He used to come to our open office to have a laugh with us and Etukudo used to be the butt of his jokes and the present Director General of the Securities and Exchange Commission, Munir Gwarzo, who was then working with Habib Bank which was next door used to come join us as we shared the groundnuts and boli while exchanging barbs about our own Doctor. I greet you sir. I am coming to see you soon o, please keep the bubbly chilled. Edgarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!! Have you sold the Cadbury shares? No sir, there is recession!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL . Great guy.

Isale Eko – the play births
My only brother in this Lagos – Olisa Adibua and myself are once again producing a theatre production that would be taking place at the Muson Centre next Valentines Day. Coming from the runaway success of our last outing which saw over 2,000 attend and a social media campaign that reached 52m we can only say welcome. Already great thespians from the famed Madam Kofo, the indefatigable RMD, young Turk Gideon Okeke and timeless Patrick Doyle have all been approached to take part in the production. Although nothing has been firmed up with the stars, we remain optimistic that they would all soon sign up for the event. The iconic Brymo fresh from his latest showing has been pencilled down to deliver the climactic performance closing the production with his nine piece band. It promises to be a great showing as I plan to walk naked and roll all over the stage if I make money this time. I have bet my children’s school fees on this one and if it fails, then God forbid na LASTMA get my children for holiday job until we can raise the money from other such endeavours. Look out for this production and this time guys, try buy tickets as there would really be no free tickets except the Federal Government promises me full scholarship for my kids.  Keep that part secret. Abeg my madam no dey like that kind joke.

Linda Ikeji
Happy birthday darling. I hear it was a surprise birthday and that is why I remain surprised that I was not invited to the party especially since I have publicly stated my intention of making you one of my wives. I truly need an Igbo lady to complete the collection. Anyways, I heard it was fun. I have started saving towards next years and would rather we spend it privately just the two of us at the National Assembly viewing gallery watching the Dogara-Jibrin ‘fight’ if they are still in the House at this rate. What could be more romantic.

Just to say sorry. I have been a fool. No vex my darling.