Much Ado about the Niger Delta Avengers


To me I blame DSTV and all those American Superhero films for the current situation in the Niger Delta. Today we now have a group of people who may have watched too many of the movies that they have gone ahead to adopt the names of these characters as they go about their daily ‘duties’. Today Avengers are wreaking havoc to our collective wealth and psyche tomorrow it will be Spider-Man and X-men. Just like their super hero counterparts, they are blowing up pipelines and have even threatened us with missiles, what is remaining is the costumes and other such gadgets. My take is that for us to curb these activities, we should ban the showing of such movies as Iron Man, Captain America and Batman otherwise we will not see the end of the bombings especially in the Niger Delta.

Acting President Osibanjo – a word of advice
Sir, as you assume full command of the country for the next 10 days, I would like to give you some very important advice. Avoid states like Ekiti and Borno; wash and clean your ears twice daily to reduce the chances of an ear infection. Attend Bukola Saraki’s trial so that you understand perfectly what it means to be a senator of the Federal Republic especially as it concerns sitting in the dock of a tribunal. Visit the Sultan of Sokoto to break fast, host all sacked bank and telecommunications workers to a dinner apologising to them for their job loss and assuring them that you would revisit the N5,000 unemployment benefit promise made during the elections, like the Ooni of Ife, visit Obafemi Martins in his Lagos house, eat breakfast with Tony Elumelu in his Private Jet parked at the Murtala Mohammed Airport, invite DJ Cuppy to Aso Rock to perform,  reshuffle the cabinet, cancel the Ekiti State elections, the one that brought Fayose to power.

Invite leaders of Massob and Fulani Herdsmen to a wrestling match with the winner awarded the highest honour in the land. Attempt to resolve the wahala between Davido and Dele Momodu, otherwise we cannot guarantee the continued stability of Yorubaland. Give Fela Anikulapo Kuti a post-humous award, appoint Tuface as Chairman of Family Planning Commission, extend amnesty to Tompolo, so he can immediately start training as a pilot like all his colleagues given the olive branch by the past government. This is very key, because if what we are reading is true that he has eloped to Libya, na ISIS in the Niger Delta we dey look so o.  Ban OBJ from Aso Rock, make Ayiri your adviser on militant affairs, visit Akwa Ibom, attempt to marry a new wife, to meet the constitutionally required balance in Federal Character, summon Jonathan back to Aso Rock to discuss his exile options and finally declare Monday national work-free day until the President comes back. My 10 pence.

Edo Elections – I support Godwin Obaseki
There are two Obasekis in this race. The short one, who is a film director and the other one who is urbane and highly cerebral. My support can never be for the short one o. It is for the other one-Godwin. I am supporting him simply because he is a senior professional colleague and a dear friend to my friend Mr. Ike Chioke, the great investment banker and Managing Director at Afrininvest. I met Mr Obaseki as a young stockbroker during trading on the floor of the Lagos stock exchange. In those days for you to successfully execute your trades, you had to be very deep in knowledge of the issues that surround your pricing. Mr.  Obaseki used to stand out in his arguments, his clarity and understanding of the economy. I learned a lot from his postulations, his quiet mien and deep introspective analysis of issues guided and moulded me without his knowledge. I almost got to work with his Afrinvest where he is now the chairman through my oga Ike Chioke but stupidly by passed the offer – story for another day but still regret to this day that decision, simply because that institution today remains a bastion of integrity and the very best in investment banking traditions. So my people of Edo State, an Obaseki governorship – not the short one, to me remains the very last hope for exploiting to its maximum the full potential of the rich and robust resources and culture of the very proud people of Edo State. I remain highly interested in the politics of this state simply because I am an in-law. Hence, my strong support for this candidate and my cry for a massive move by the majority of the people towards his candidacy. So Godwin do not worry, all you need do to win this election is to join me on the Benin-Ore Express road in your underwear with white chalk painted on our faces with a calabash on our heads at midnight singing, ‘ Asiwaju is our King’ the governorship will be ours. See you soon.

Sacked workers – Federal Government, stop clowning
There is no other way to say this and no better time especially now that the President is out of the country. Hopefully, he will not see this write-up. The assertion or is it instruction from the Federal Government that banks should stop sacking people, is to say the least, laughable. Private organisations set up by individuals for profit motive and buffeted by unfriendly government policies like the TSA ( I no know the full name abeg), restrictive micro and macro economic conditions, lack of government patronage, a siege by the same government leading to the refund of huge sums in the name of recovery of loots, a tight fiscal policy regime affecting adversely the fortunes of these organistions leading to unprecedented losses and in some cases total elimination of profitability which in turn could lead to an almost systemic distress. With  no other option than to shed weight while striving to keep afloat and protect public funds in their custody they are now being ‘instructed’ to suspend the laying off of staff. This is what they call a comedy of errors, where you laugh painfully while telling yourself that you must be dreaming. Instead of offering palliatives, buffer policies, temporary reliefs, all we get is an instruction to suspend the sacking of workers. Make I keep quiet, I no fit shout.

Richard Mofe Damijo: the new face of Mudi
I continue to ask myself how Mudi does it. Mudi is the beans-loving but highly talented designer who has continued to push the boundaries of creativity beyond the sights of his contemporaries. The first designer to go on major billboards, the first designer to open shops across Africa, the first designer with a major pastor – Pastor J.T. Kalejaiye – to model his clothes and now he has broken another record by having a major actor, RMD, model his outfits. Recently, I sat and watched Mudi at work. He is eccentric and appears possessed as he sketches and makes designs that have continued to redefine the space with  a faraway look in his eyes and as if he is communing with some distant spirit he pens a design that emerged quite cavalier and impressive at the same time. As I watch him work, I could not help but envy his total devotion to his work and the raw talent that could only be God-given as he blessed the world with his absurd creativity. RMD is legendary and to the best of my knowledge would not have agreed to this campaign if he himself was not convinced as to the eponymous nature of the collection. As I go through the various shots of the ever handsome, leading man, I start to sweat in my palms as the uniqueness of the shots touch me and spark the fire to beg for one sample. Mudi in this new collection in my eyes, have thrown enough light into a dreary Nigerian environment where we continue to bask in the bliss of ignorance as we totter towards a predicted national resurgence. This collection has firmed up his position in the very pinnacle of fashion creativity. I bow, my brother.

Pa Sam Amuka and the Robbers
I have received the sad news of the attack of this elder statesman by sons of dogs once more with pity. Sam Amuka is a national institution and the oldest practising journalist in the country. He is now is the continuous host of vagabonds. Today his house is now the favourite destination of these sons of darkness. Just early this week, I drove past the house and marveled at his humility still holed up in the mid-market, Anthony Village instead of moving to the high brow areas on the Island. So you can imagine my shock, some few days later to hear of this attack. What is more surprising is the fact that there is a police station just a stone’s throw away and the area is permanently sealed off by gates that even a normal drive around the area is like driving through a carefully planned maze. Please something should be done urgently. These attacks are getting too much and more daring. He is not the richest man in Anthony Village so why is he so targeted? Please, this is an appeal to the authorities to kindly do all they can do to protect this legend as we would hate to lose him due to this regular visitations by vampires. Kai, not fair at all.