Loud Whispers with Joseph EdgarJoseph EdgarLoud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Alwan Hassan: How Not to Be A Spokesman

Someone must have said, let’s have a spokesman from the North so that we can balance it, and the North will feel included. That is how they went to one farm to fetch this fella. The man in his illiterate enthusiasm jumped on the mic and started spewing things that can best be described as infantile.

This bobo once went on television to say that ministers need a second term for their Baba, even if it means the Baba running that term is riddled with IV drips and walking sticks. Because, according to him, “ministers paid billions to get the appointments and need the second term to recoup.”

My brother, this was more than shocking; it was hilariously stupid. How can a so-called “spokesman” say this kind of thing, even though Nigerians know this as a fact in some cases, but a spokesman for the ruling party already struggling with credibility problems to come out and make this kind of statement beats all imaginations. Kai!

So if that one was not enough, he went on air again to talk about the 112 emergency number. First, as he was speaking, I was wondering if this one is even normal. Who touts emergency numbers as a presidential achievement? So, with all the trillions Tinubu is borrowing all over the place, is the emergency number one of his basic achievements in power? Something that, if the Shomolu Local Government Chairman tries it with me ehn… is what someone is saying is our president’s achievement? A whole Jagaban? He didn’t stop at that stupidity; he went ahead to challenge the presenter to dial the number now and see. That one promptly started dialling, and the thing did not connect. He kept prodding the presenter – dial it now, dial it now – and that one too kept dialling, and nothing happened.

My people, a bigger “mumu” I have not seen. This one is even higher than the other one that went on Al Jazeera to be totally embarrassed. This one ranks as one of the dumbest things we have ever seen in our national politics, and it shows very clearly just where APC stands in this kind of thing.

Anyway, I have just learnt that oga may have been relegated, as I have just seen a circular from Mr “Gbaja” that only the Ministers of Solid Minerals, Information and one other person can speak on behalf of the Presidential Campaign Council and that all radio and television stations should take note.

Good riddance; before this one will now go and tell us about his oga’s left testicles with the way he was going. Kai.

Atiku Abubakar: Going, Going, Going?

Remember, I had reported my meeting with Alhaji Atiku Abubakar the other day in Abuja. At that meeting, I had asked him about his “risks”. In response, he talked about a possible charge that may lead to an arrest, and I asked how he would react if that ever happened. He smiled and said, “In my long career, I have always wriggled out.”

Well, in that conversation, he never mentioned the possibility of a judicial dagger on his ambitions. During the week, a Judge candidly put a temporary halt to his ambitions with a devilish ruling exactly 80 days before the elections.

The judge said he didn’t recognise David Mark’s faction of the ADC and, as such. every action they have taken remains null and void. This is a stray bullet hitting Atiku’s ambition.

I am waiting to see how he will “wriggle” out of this one, because the timing and potential for distraction are just crazy.

I wish him well even though I still didn’t really see his chances this time around, and with this situation, his chances have further reduced to the biblical status of a camel passing through the eye of a needle. Na wa.

Joash Amupitan: A Test of Character 

Being the INEC Chairman has never been a comfortable seat. The fate and stability of Nigeria hang on your neck every four years, bringing considerable scrutiny and unbearable pressure.

The incumbent is not even helping matters with the way he is going about his duties. The commission under him has been ‘fumbling and wobbling’ down the last stretch towards the elections.

From the AI issue down to the Ladi Adebutu matter, where it has taken a court to remind INEC that they have no power to remove a candidate.

All these have shaken INEC’s credibility under this gentleman and have given a lot of Nigerians credible reason to doubt the institution’s neutrality and its ability to conduct a free and fair exercise come 2027.

It is no wonder that I personally was not surprised the other day when I came upon a clip of the INEC Chairman being allegedly heckled on the streets of London.

Apparently he had gone to that Chatham House – what they go and do there continues to beat me – and on his way out, some Nigerians surrounded his car and heckled him.

I didn’t see his face and, as such, cannot 100% say that it was him, but the way they were shouting his name, that he should come out, left nothing to the imagination that it was probably him.

He respected himself and stayed in the car, which was a wise decision because from the anger in that mob, if he had tried himself, maybe we would be having an INEC Chairman conducting elections from a bed at the National Orthopaedic Hospital.

Seriously, this INEC is not giving us any reason to be confident, and this is sad. Very, very sad.

Donald Duke: The Beautiful Bride?

My candidate told me during lunch the other day, and as reported here, that his strategy is to be positioned so that when the inevitable logjam occurs, he will be best to run away with the baton.

Well, his strategy was hinged on the possible “taking of the North” by Atiku, the taking of the South-east and parts of the South-south by Obi and the taking of the South-west, parts of South-south and a tiny part of the North by Tinubu, leading to none of the bigger candidates securing what is needed to emerge and then everybody will look at the “David” of our elections.

Well, the strategy has developed some k-leg with the court ruling against Atiku. If it stands, will his followers in the North rush towards Donald Duke? That is the question that I am finding very hard to answer.

So, Donald Duke coming out to say that he will stand down for any consensus candidate that would emerge to “fight” Tinubu does not sit well with me because he is already the consensus candidate.

He should immediately start pushing that narrative, campaign for it, push for it, because the way the whole thing is going, Atiku, who is gaining a lot of ground, will fight this court ruling to the end, but if he sees that he is losing out, he will need to form an alliance that he will use to do – if I can’t enter, you too will not enter – to Tinubu. This is where Donald will be standing as a beautiful bride to both sides.

Atiku would need him to spoil it for Tinubu, and Tinubu will need him not to be used by Atiku. But all of these can only happen if Duke has flesh and has made some powerful inroads in the North with his PRP.

Hope Uzodimma: Breaking Boundaries

This governor must really think that he is a member of the British Royal family with the way he is moving around with a huge sense of entitlement. Is it that he expects us to stand by as he takes a poop and not squirm, no matter how smelly the activity gets?

I have just seen a report where he is quoted as having said that he is not surrendering his senatorial ticket to anyone.

My brother, there is a court judgment to the effect that you have no senatorial ticket, Oga.

How he wants to be a senator and a governor at the same time is rankling Nigerians. This whole thing is just so annoyingly embarrassing, making us feel like we are in a banana republic. While we are at it na, let Bola, as Atiku will call him, kuku go and contest the Lagos State governorship while he is still president.

I just tire for this country, so nobody that has sense around him or in his party hierarchy can pull his ears and say – common go and sit down? And this person is Chairman of something in this election o.

Please, Mr. Uzodimma, please respect the rule of law and allow due process abeg. You are not the first and won’t be the last; allow us to breathe, abeg. Thank you.

Adams Oshiomhole: What Did You Just Do?

I nearly laughed myself off my seat when I saw Senator Adams Oshiomhole dancing the other day. It was at one of the APC campaign stops, and the DJ dropped the beat, and the dear old senator started prancing up and down the stage.

His confidence must have been boosted when he and Vice President Shettima did the cockroach dance on stage the other day.

Both were dancing to a different beat, jumping up and down, throwing their arms in the air, bending their knees and generally just doing like people in a trance.

Maybe it was the cheers; Senator Adams must have heard that made him try himself solo the next time. He was wearing a white outfit, sewn in his usual bohemian style with APC logos all over it and with it looking like a disused white bedsheet that was used to cover an Ebola patient.

As he pranced about the stage, the crowd erupted, and he, mistaking the noise for ‘cheering’, went full blast and started giving us steps only he can describe.

At some point, I was afraid for his back as he squatted, jumped up, rushed to one side, rushed to the other side, stood still, opened his mouth, stood at attention, opened his eyes….

God even me that I was watching started panting – this baba is energetic o, that was what I was thinking off and started getting worried for him but relaxed when I remembered that he would get his usual ‘AI’ foot massage after it all.

Phew, that was some performance. Oshio Babaaaaa!!!!

Isaac Fayose: Standing Tall

During the week, Isaac Fayose, the fiery social critic, became the poster boy of men’s resistance to the tyranny of women. Nigerian women have, in the last decade, become a bone in our necks and have used this rape and sexual assault matter as weapons of destruction. They have perfected the weapon in such a way that once a man is unfortunately accused, his life goes into a tailspin – his reputation goes, his freedom is threatened, and, in some cases, he might lose his life.

 The woman is the perpetual victim no matter the circumstances. Today, many men are languishing in various jails in the country with no one taking the time to truly look at the facts of the matter. Once a woman screams rape, the maxim – innocent until proven guilty –  is thrown out of the window.

Well, that is how one “self-styled” Queen of Abuja levelled a rape allegation against Isaac. She went on social media accusing him of all sorts, and before you knew it, bloggers latched onto the story and went to town.

Isaac came out very powerfully in his own defence, asked for evidence and threatened civil and criminal charges against the accuser. She immediately deleted the posts and claimed it was “AI”.

Now Isaac is suing all the bloggers and will also go against the accuser.

My people, it’s not everyone who is as bold and has the resources that Isaac has at his disposal, which enabled him to fight to finish on this matter.

So many men do not have the courage and resources, hence their lives being upended. The system must begin to punish these false accusers so that it will serve as a deterrent. Men are dying, I swear.  

Folake Soetan & Tosin Adefeko:  Shutting Down Lagos

These two “sisters” shut down Lagos in the past two weeks. They hit 50 years of age days apart and did not stop at anything in celebrating. They stopped a significant number of Lagos social establishments in media, oil and gas, finance, and government from going to work.

It was one event after the other – from Lagos to Dubai and back to Lagos, these girls scatter ground o.

Why would they not be so expansive in their celebrations, as they represent the very best in Nigerian female “corporateness”? Tosin, also known as Tosh, is one of the biggest PR experts in this country, with multinationals queuing up for her services. She first started in finance and from there moved to PR, where she peaked as COO at Quadrant Communications under the tutelage and mentorship of the legendary Biodun Shobanjo. From there, she formed her earth-shaking AT3, from where she perches atop PR practice in this our Nigeria. Tosin is married to the man about town, Ade Adefeko.

Folake, on the other hand, was former MD at Ikeja Electric – remember her? She was the lady who fought the Nigerian Air Force to a standstill over non-payment of bills. She is now the MD of another strategic subsidiary at the Sahara Group, where she is making waves. Her career trajectory has seen her start in aviation before settling at the Sahara Group, where she is a marvel. Folake is married to my homeboy Dipo Soetan.

Mbok, come and see party. These two certainly know how to put shindigs together, and they really showed us the way.

Happy birthday to both, who happen to be my very close friends. Well done, ladies.

Flying the Flamingos into Turbulence

With the kind of crazy budget deficit and him running to the National Assembly to beg them to allow him to go borrowing again, this Baba is still splashing money like he is the Saudi monarch.

I have never seen something like this: one hand you are screaming about lack of funds and the next morning you are splashing funds all over the place like a drunk spraying Sir Shina Peters.

From the responsible, like the increase in wages of the armed forces, to the ridiculous, Baba has been on a spending spree, making Atiku describe it as an attempt to buy elections.

The latest and quite the most annoying is the N100million announced as a reward to each member of the conquering Under-17 national female team. Not only the players but also the crew, who equally all got N50million each.

Now, as much as this follows a pattern started by the military government of General Ibrahim Babangida, at this point it is just plain ridiculous. Whatever happened to scholarships, endowments, life salaries, donations to their schools, while still giving them little amounts that would allow them to splurge on friends and families and not expose them to “juju” from “aye”.

The donation is irresponsible, knee-jerk, not well thought out and self-seeking. It is very clear why it was made, and sadly, it will miss its purpose because of our shallow way of thinking in this country.

We will suffer from all this financial recklessness when the “selection,” sorry, election, is over, and at that time they will tell us to tighten our belts a little bit more, and we will all be walking around like zombified skeletons. We are really in trouble in this country.