Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Ademola Adeleke: It’s Dancing Time

I used to think this gentleman was “English-language” challenged. In local parlance, that is someone who “tabon” a lot. Tabon is when you speak bad English. I once listened to him speak at Chief Obasanjo’s birthday and cringed in small embarrassment at the struggle. But what I saw at the ARISE NEWS Townhall was different. His command of English, even with the “yorubaish” accent, was impressive.

As my friend Taiwo tried to wrestle him with “Osun has bad roads,” he quickly shut her down. “That is a federal road; I have built so many federal roads without being paid back.”

I liked that.  I remember that I have always sha loved this man, especially with his dancing skills and his happy-go-lucky mien.

Anyway, by the time you finish reading this, the elections in Osun would have passed, and hopefully if everything goes well, he will retain his seat. He is the David in this contest, and the Goliaths have been doing all within their power to grab and run with victory. From the EFCC fiasco, to the arrest and release of his officials, and the dumping of so-called APC heavyweights, including the heavily English-challenged governor from Edo State, whose statement that Adeleke only knows how to dance led to his jaundiced WAEC statement being displayed again on the internet, the ruling Goliath is doing all within its power to snatch this one.

But it seems that not only the Osun people and right-thinking Nigerians are with the dancer, the host of Israel is also with him as he seems to be waxing stronger each passing day. The involvement of his megastar nephew, Davido, is not helping the case of the Goliaths, as he is deploring his huge influence and power on the side of his uncle.

“I am here in support of Adeleke, though I won’t shout about it. My record in Nigerian elections is terrible. Almost everyone I’ve supported has lost, except Babajide Sanwo-Olu. From Akan Udofia in Akwa Ibom to my brother Asue Ighodalo in Edo and even Desmond Elliot in Lagos, they’ve all lost. So I’ve decided to keep my mouth shut this time. If it goes south again, God forbid, it’ll really pain me.

On my knees I remain. Thank you.  

Senator Orji Uzor Kalu: A Wonderful Man

This is another kind of comedic appeal that keeps the amusement going in our political process. Listening to this man speak reminds me of that wonderful character, Clarus of the New Masquerade fame. He always thinks he is clever by half and that he has given so much to Nigeria and has been paid back with lemons.

I can only just laugh anytime he jumps on air and, in his very thick “Igbo accent”, screams: “You people were sitting here when Obasanjo almost destroyed everything I worked for.”

Mbok, if one even goes to look at his “hard labour,” all you will see there is “rent.” People who have benefitted so much from the loopholes in our very stupid system would now be parading themselves as angels, and as such we must do everything within our powers to canonise them

Well, my issue with the senator is not about his riches, nor the justification, nor otherwise of his journey to jail, but the teaser of an impending interview he granted a TV station later.

Although the interview would be aired just before you read this, I could not wait to push out my sarcasm on the broth that he was saying in the teaser. He said – hopefully not AI – that if every house in Abuja is searched, $60m would come out in cash and that President Tinubu should give out amnesty for the thieves to return the funds without being prosecuted or something like that.

My people, you see the thought process of a clear member of the ruling elite? A former governor, now a senator, and I suppose a presidential aspirant? That thieves be given clemency instead of the investigative and judicial institutions doing their work?

If for nothing else, this shows an admission by him and those he represents of a lack of faith in the process and institutions. So it is now for the president to go begging to thieves – please bring out your loot, and I won’t prosecute.

Na this kind thing dey tire person for this our country, I swear. Anytime someone will look at Dangote Refinery and the Fintech unicorns to give himself hope about this country, an Uzor Kalu will come up and scatter the whole thing again. I just tire. Imagine.

Temi Popoola: Let’s Take It Slow

The whole wide world knows how much I don’t joke with this young chap. Temi Popoola is the head honcho at the super-performing NGX. The NGX, which is the Nigerian stock exchange, was recently adjudged the most profitable globally, and this is because of the reforms within it that have boosted investor confidence.

Well, the government has seen this and has decided to drag its performance into the basket that they want to show Nigerians as they push for a “reselection”. Nothing wrong with that. If I were in their shoes, I’d do the same – the performance of the NGX is a direct reflection of our government policies. Yes, that is what I would do either as a government spokesperson or the president himself.

But the wahala is now when the NGX itself seems to be lending a hand to the government. The statement credited to Mr. Popoola that this administration has created 500,000 billionaires on their system has not sat down well with market watchers. Temi has received a lot of pilloring on this statement, and I must run to his defence. Throw the tomatoes on me, mbok; leave the young man alone. Can’t someone make one small mistake? Mbok, he is not God; he is human, and for once, he has put his foot in his mouth; let’s forgive and move on.

My brother Temi, when this whole thing dies down, try to always look at the market holistically and not pin these praises on just one dispensation. Otherwise, you run the risk of tying the exchange to partisan politics, and that would not be the best, as everything could blow up.

Let’s struggle to maintain our independence and neutrality, knowing fully well that investor confidence is as fickle as a prostitute’s underwear, so that we don’t go and end up with stories that touch. Well done, bro, you are still doing a great job at the Exchange. Well done.

Zacch Adedeji: Did He Just Say That?

On which side of the amala plate did this Ogbomoso man wake up from to grant this interview? You know the problem with Nigeria is our “anyhowness.” Everybody feels they can do every other person’s job, or how do you explain an accountant at the Nigerian Revenue Service jumping on air to do a spokesman job?

How na? What do you expect but rolling blunder and carnage? This chubby-cheeked gentleman just scattered the whole thing – The president eats once a day; the president walks from home to the office like the distance is from Shogunle to Lekki; the president has only one Escalade like he used to cover his eyes and be doing “boju boju” when the over 100-car motorcade is speeding through Lagos and causing traffic.

Who even allowed this one to come and be speaking on matters that he has no competence in? He should be speaking to the numbers where he has some level of respectable capacity. He should be answering questions on revenue, VAT, those kinds of things and leave the “boju boju” to Onanuga.

That was a major train wreck. From the poor command of English, down to the spartan logic of his arguments and even his comportment, all was just a television disaster.

Someone should come and hold this paddy ooo, or simply just take him away and get him busy behind a laptop with calculators abeg. Public speaking is definitely not his call. Kai! He will suddenly feel the strong urge to come and beat me now. Kai, I have run away ooo.

Dr Nonny Ugboma: Perches at the NESG

NESG is the premier economic think tank in Nigeria. It is the Nigerian Economic Summit Group, and they are well known for their five-day economic marathon summits that used to be held annually and all sorts of big people will wear suits and come and talk, and government officials will be taking note.

Well, my sister, Dr. Nonny Ugboma, has just been appointed Executive Director, Policy, Programmes and Summit Director. This is a very powerful non-government economic position as it allows her to play within the nexus of economic policy formulation and sometimes policy execution and monitoring. This is indeed a very powerful position, and no one at this time deserves it more than Nonny.

A former Executive Secretary at the giant MTN Foundation, Nonny has played very critical roles in developmental initiatives using the huge platform of the foundation to impact whole industries and communities. Immediately after the MTN gig, she rushed to get her PhD in the UK, where she continued to contribute to vital discourse on the economy and leadership. She is also coordinating the Dukes International master class on crisis management, which has Chief Emeka Anyaoku as keynote speaker.

What else can I say about this my sister, but to say congratulations and that Nigeria will really be the better for it with this platform. Well done.

Kemi Adeosun: Accept My Deepest Condolences

I had just landed in London, and my friend, Yemi Edun, had invited me to the UK launch of his book.

Yemi and his wife Temi had written a book on their experiences when a stroke hit her. The book was launched in Lagos, and I had held a book reading for a few people.

So since I was coming into London, it only just made sense that I made an appearance at the event. But as I walked in straight from Heathrow, he was walking out of the hall.

I said – where you dey go and he said, I dey go the Adeosun thing. Adeosun, being Kemi’s husband and I said, “You dey go today Tuesday, and come back on Sunday?”

And he responded by showing me a clip of him and the couple at a Chelsea match to show his closeness to them.

The clip also tied very quickly with the report that I had just read, which showed Kemi saying that she and her husband had decided to live life and enjoy it after over 30 years of marriage and hard work.

At 62? He was relatively young and a fun guy, as I have heard from a lot of people who knew him.

At this point, I can only say – May God receive him with open arms and may He also give the family the grace and strength to bear this obviously painful loss.

It cannot be easy, I tell you. If you think it is, try to lose a partner who was so obviously in love with you the way Oga was with Kemi, then you would understand what I’m talking about.

Take heart, my sister. God bless.

Iyun Ayilore (St. Janet): I Did Not Know

I can bet my last kobo that almost all of you reading this do not know who she is. St Janet was a popular Juju musician in the late 90s. She was very lurid with her lyrics, which marvelled her fans who could not fathom a lady singing in such sexually provocative tones. She was the female version of Obesere, the musician who made a name for himself in Fuji music but with the same lurid sexual undertones.

I had watched St. Janet many times in those beer parlours that litter Shomolu, Bariga and Onipanu. The last time I watched her was at the Army Mess at Yaba. Her performances were usually very electric, and she would leave you with a “hard-on”. It was no wonder that the “per hour” brothel within the complex grew to a one-story building, most likely as a result of St. Janet’s lyrics, which usually led the man to rush to the rooms for urgent release.

Anyway, it was one of her ardent fans, Segun Ojo, who called me up and said, “Edgar, St. Janet don die.” I screamed Aghhhhh, are you sure? And he replied, “Yes na,  I know say you never hear about am, that is why you never write about her.”

Reports I have seen say that she was hale and hearty the previous day and even went for a show somewhere in the South-west. The next day, she was leisurely cooking when she suddenly grabbed her chest. She complained of breathing challenges and died 10 minutes after being rushed to the hospital.

What else can I say from here but to wish her a very smooth transition into heaven. I wish her family the strength to bear this huge loss, and to her fans, I say sorry. None was ever like her, and none will be like her. Kai, very painful.

 Jason Ardey: Eyes Wide Shut

You know that as I am writing this column, I am in London, so you will bear with me as I would be politically correct in this piece. When I come back, I will write my real mind, but for now, let us just be pussyfooting around this matter.

This young man, they say, was one of the youngest to be made professor in that ancient school. They said he did all sorts of major things like running a marathon (mbok what is that), raising over $5million in charity and writing so many essays that made him be appointed a professor.

Well, the same system that propped him up has brought him down. They have said he plagiarised and that all that story of being a Spider-Man was fake, and they launched an investigation, and in response, Bobo has run away.

As I have said, I will not say too much for now till when I leave the UK airspace. You know the Nigerian Air Force is busy with bandits and may not be able to launch an Israeli-type operation to come and free me.

But let me just say that when I look very closely at his surname, Ardey, something is churning in my mind. That surname looks like a recognised surname that was just anglicised for the same purposes that alleged fake profiling was done, and this is the kind of thing that makes that Kemi Badenoch woman say those things about us.

Let me just keep quiet for now. I will come back very powerfully next week. Thanks for your patience.

Chidi Ajaere: How are You, My Friend?

Long time no see or hear. I was just scrolling through stuff to find what I can write for this column when I saw a bit on “Igbo people running big brands.” My friend Aloba has been wanting us to collaborate on a project on Igbo billionaires, and I have been very reluctant because my hands are truly very full.

Anyways, on that list, I saw my young friend Chidi, the main promoter of the GIG conglomerate. I remember Chidi walking into my office at BGL and asking for the valuation of a pharmaceutical firm. He wanted to buy it. I looked very closely at this young “boy” with the police escort and smiled. By the time the meeting was over, he had dropped N100 million, not today’s N100 million ooo. That year, N100 million was very close to the Lagos State budget. From that moment, I knew this was a man of history.

Chidi has since taken over the family business, built it into a very huge octopodial brand with interests in logistics, fintech, real estate and transport. His arrowhead business- transportation – has seen him turn the local motorparks into huge international airport like structures complete with conveyor belts.

But his real claim to fame is his logistics and courier business. The GIG brand in that sector is really giving international competition a run for their money, and this is why I decided to say, how are you, my friend? Hope you are well. Well done, and many more garlands your way.

Nnamdi Azikiwe and Commander Ebenezer Obey Goes Live in London

I am writing from London, where I have come to see my two plays, ‘Zik of Africa’ and ‘Obey.’ These two plays are produced by our UK subsidiary DOSF-UK and Elesin Productions and would show us the reprise of the lives of these two iconic heroes of Nigerian history.

It has not been a very smooth journey – raising the funds, coordinating the flows and all that.

The main problem is that ticket sales are not flying off, and I have stopped bothering myself because of BP.

Mbok, let me even say one thing sef. As we landed in London, I noticed that my legs were swollen and I panicked. You know they say swollen legs are the first signs of a kidney problem. I quickly called Dr Nwabuoku. “Aghh doctor, my legs are swollen,” and he laughed.

“You don dey old. Na the flight. Abeg, put your leg up and after one hour e go come down.”

I did that, and it went down. Please, what is the fastest way to come back? Because next time it may not be my feet; it might be somewhere else, and you know we cannot joke with that part. Kai!