Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Omoyele Sowore: Who is Afraid of the Activist?

If you have not seen the clip making the rounds of Sowore, the activist, trying to go to the toilet at the court, and the DSS agents crowding him, better go and look for it.

It is what we call in literature comical irony. It is both laughable and serious. The activist was remanded in prison for allegedly calling President Tinubu a criminal. The criminality of this offence, me I don’t see o, but that is not my business for now.

My issue today is the way the DSS agents attached to Mr. Sowore behaved, as if they had in their custody the main man that is behind all the terror and insecurity in the country. They were armed to the teeth, complete with masks and heavy weaponry. They first rushed him out of the court before attempting to join him in the toilet so he wouldn’t jump into it and flush himself away.

Na wa, is the only thing I can say. As I was looking at the clip, what came to mind was the story of King Herod – hope he was the one o, I never read Bible in 20 years – and the baby Jesus. Remember, they predicted that a king would rise from somewhere and take him out, and that the King had already been born in Nazareth. King Herod immediately summoned his troops to find him, and people were aghast at all the fuss over an innocent baby in the manger. A baby that did not even suckle at the breast milk.

That is what this Sowore thing is beginning to look like. See small Sowore with the funny hairstyle, and with followers not up to 20, and his only weapon is his mouth and courage. All he does is to gather newsmen and just shout expletives, and his six followers will be shouting “Revolution Now,” and be singing “solidarity forever” – na him we dey carry all these force and be pursuing? It’s like there is a prediction somewhere we don’t know o. We can only be watching. Kai.     

Sunday Igboho: Two Hours to Midnight

I, in particular, was waiting breathlessly for this one. The insecurity had once again reached his doorstep, and in response, he said he was waiting for permission to act. This self-styled defender of Yorubaland has, more than most, caused a lot of distraction and disunity among Nigerians. His proclamations seek to distance his Yoruba people from the unity we so much envisage for our country.

His notoriety was not only borne out of his loud, short-sighted activism but also on carefully propagated “powers.” So when he came out and asked for permission to “enter the matter,” some of us, though not liking him, secretly wished that he would be granted, and he would solve this problem. Perhaps, from there, he would be drafted to the other 30 school children and their teachers, and after that, he would be appointed Chief of Defence Staff with the full mandate of ending this malaise nationwide.

That was how my brother ran into his shrine and gave the marauders “two hours” to release the pregnant woman or else. My people, at the time of writing, which is a clear four days after, the victims are still in the forest with their captors, according to reports that I have been monitoring.

In a normal clime, this would have totally demystified the man, but not in ours, as he would just do as if nothing happened and move on to the next item on the agenda.

Don’t let me say much on this matter as it remains quite sensitive and painful, so I will just ignore this character and pray that the authorities really gain ground as they attempt to release not only these sets but all Nigerians presently in captivity. God, please hear our prayers.

Bayo Onanuga: A Saint in Total Denial

I caught a glimpse of this Baba’s conversation with the iconic Charles Aniagolu on ARISE NEWS recently. He looked good, sha. Baba don go sew cloth, and that is where it ended for me. His submissions showed that he was either in total denial or was so detached from reality that he seemed to be living in a space balloon. Two things he said – the insecurity thing is not like that o. That the media was making it look as if Nigeria is under siege. The host now asked if he could travel by road from some parts of the North-east to the North-central, and he answered glibly that, in fact, someone just came to his office from that road.

The second thing he said was that he didn’t see the so-called hunger that we were crying about o. That the whole thing started when he and his principal went somewhere on Lagos Island, and one urchin shouted, “We are hungry,” and since then, it latched on.

This is why I am doing a quick masterclass on Crisis Management and Reputational Management because these so-called spokesmen just worsen things for their principals.

These two statements would have, in a normal clime, led to events that could possibly bring down the government. You see, the issue for a spokesman is how to walk the thin line between defending a principal while still holding the hands of a harassed population. Outright lies, denials and pushing mischievous narratives don’t just do it for a classic spokesperson.

Anybody who knows him should tell him about the masterclass, especially the fact that it will have Lord Galvin, former British Prime Minister Theresa May’s spokesperson, in attendance, and this would go a long way in prepping him up for the rougher days ahead.

Please, I will be giving him the offer tuition-free as my own contribution to national development. Uncle Bayo, let’s go to school.

King Charles: I Await My Turn

Your Majesty, I write to you as a loyal subject and member of the Commonwealth of Nations. It has come to my distressing notice that you have been changing your Prime Ministers much more than a drunken whore changes her partners. In the last few years, you have had six, with one spending just 29 days. It seems you may not have found the magic wand of your mother, who reigned with stability and oversaw a nice stream of brilliant Prime Ministers.

Your nation seems to have lost the magic that gave us such renowned Prime Ministers like Margaret Thatcher and the ancient Winston Churchill. What you seem to be producing are wimp-like figures, like that one with the rough blond hair that will be riding a bicycle to go and buy a sandwich by the roadside.

I am really worried because if you continue this way, you just might allow that Kemi to come and emerge as Prime Minister and at that point, it will be over for Great Britain as the Great would be permanently erased.

Britain is not only a superpower but a very critical player in the international scene, and this seeming unseriousness is affecting its ability to serve as a checkmate to the madness that Trump America is throwing into global politics.

It is in this regard that I offer myself as the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom if this new one also runs away. I have no real experience in governance of a state like yours, but I will come with the sincerity of purpose, which is never to resign and hold tight so that “our Commonwealth” will at least have a Prime Minister who will stay till Prince William’s first son marries a black South African.

I will be sending my full résumé for your kind consideration, even as I state my readiness to meet with Your Majesty to discuss very succinctly my plans of making Britain great again. Thank you. 

Ayo Fayose: A Confusing Move

Mbok, is Ayo now an Oyo man because all he seems to be shouting now is Oyo, Oyo, Oyo. In fact, the Ekiti State elections that just ended, he didn’t make a whimper, but the Oyo matter seems to be his main focus these days.

They say he has declared war in Oyo and has vowed to fight Seyi Makinde, the Oyo Governor, to the “end”.

My people, I am confused o. What exactly did Makinde do to Fayose that has made him so bitter as to forget his own state and focus on another state? This kind of bitterness can only come when you walk in on a friend “doing some things to your favourite “side chick” in a dark room.

Yes, because one Oyo man did the same to me while I was at the University of Ibadan. I can never forget. My girlfriend and I walked in on them at the Love Garden – if you attended the University of Ibadan, you would know the Love Garden. That place that is between Theatre Arts and SUG. That was where I saw Banji kissing my baby with hot, slobbery kisses.

I vowed to kill him and hate him till this day, 40 years later. Banji was also an Oyo man, so I am thinking that maybe that is what could have happened between Ayo and Seyi that is leading to this kind thing. Only time will tell; we are all here, and God will keep us all alive.

Governor Biodun Oyebanji: A Date with History

My brother, Governor Oyebanji, has been declared the winner by a landslide in the recently concluded elections in Ekiti. In fact, observers have adjudged the elections as rancour-free, peaceful and orderly. Others have called it a different kind of name, alleging the usual malpractices.

But when I looked at the figures, something else caught my attention. He was voted by less than 12% of the total adult population of Ekiti. With a total adult population of about 2.6 million, only about  370,000 voted for him, and about 80,000 voted for the PDP candidate.

To be fair to him, Ekiti has always been riddled with voter apathy since its creation. No election has polled up to 500,000 voters.

This danger is blinded to the government and its officials, if I am to judge from the conversation I had with two top officials of the government after I raised the issue in an essay.

They talked about the distance from the hamlets to polling stations, talked about the nature of the people and other such possible reasons. The fact of the matter is that with 86% of the voting population staying off, it throws up a major fault line that Mr Oyebanji in his second term must work assiduously to close.

Thankfully, I really do believe in his abilities and his sincerity, and as such, will support him as he commences his historic second term. I really do wish not only him but the whole of Ekiti, my adopted state, very well as they commence this new dispensation. Thanks.

Christiano Ronaldo vs Lionel Messi: What is My Concern?

Are we serious people? I waltzed into a serious office the other day and met the Ogas debating very ferociously who was the GOAT between Ronaldo and Messi.

See these people o. Of all the things that are doing us in this Nigeria, it is who is better between these two people that should be our problem. Today in Nigeria, everywhere you go, it is this argument taking over from the fight among Nigerians in the British Premiership.

Once you enter the office, the first thing they will ask you is – Are you Arsenal? Even in my house, Alvin will say Dad, I am Manchester United and Zara will be screaming Arsenal.

Nigeria is gone o. Police, Army, Senators, unemployed, bus drivers, almost everybody is taking sides between Ronaldo and Messi, like this would solve our myriad of problems or pay staff salaries that I do not know how to pay.

Oya, ask me about Cristiano or Messi and let me answer you. I dare you to ask me. Just stop me on the roadside and ask me that stupid question, and see if DSS will not lend you one of those masked men to remove my hands from your neck. Ronaldo ko, Asiwaju ni.

Itohan Barlow: Making Hay in the Sun

Let me quickly send my heartfelt congratulations to my sister and friend, Itohan Barlow. Itohan is the Senior Vice President of world-renowned Rolling Stone Magazine.

Over the weekend, they organised a huge award ceremony that saw both international and local stars emerge to celebrate. Such huge stars like Tiwa Savage, D’banj and a host of others graced the occasion, which criss-crossed the whole gamut of culture.

It was an elegant event which brought together elements from the arts, film and music and which once again threw the Nigerian factor on the world stage.

Itohan is not new to headlining such wonderful global moving events while carrying the Nigerian flag. She recently won “an honourable mention for Nigeria at the London Biennale.”

Itohan, with these strides, is gradually warming herself into the hallowed halls of the most powerful and influential. Well done, girl.

Bolaji Adewumi: The Soldier at Abbey

Abbey Mortgage is an old time mortgage banking institution which used to be owned and ran by the legendary Mrs. Okwechime. The bank for decades led at the front of the mortgage banking business in our nation, then fell into sad times.

The came Bolaji Adewumi, a young but extremely brilliant banker who trained to be a soldier. He and his team achieved what is being hailed in strategic quarters as the fastest turnaround in the system by declaring profits, I think the first year of taking over.

Bolaji has had a different kind of trajectory unlike most bankers. He attended the famed Nigerian Military School Zaria where he was imbued with fine military ethics and values including the overriding ethos of never say die, amongst others.

It is with these ethos that has been able to build one of the most remarkable success stories in the industry. Little wonder the CBN did not waste time in sending them a new licence which would enable them commence commercial banking business.

This is the worst kept secret in the world as Abbey Mortgage under Bolaji and his smart team made up of the valiant Dipo who is an Executive Director and Toyin who is reputed to be one of the most brilliant in the space are now poised to drive value with this new platform.

Already, the development is being hailed as the first quoted firm to have moved from mortgage to commercial at the NGX and it is because of the resilience of the gatekeeper, Bolaji that the system seems to be berthing this major milestone.