Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Adams Oshiomhole: Thank God It’s AI

As a former Sunday school teacher, I’m very familiar with the story of Adam and Eve. The moment I saw that clip of Oga in the luxurious bowels of a private jet doing what a common masseur in Lekki will do for N30,000, I smiled gently and remembered how Eve lured Adam into eternal damnation with an ‘apple.’

Because Daddy’s media team had termed the clip as “AI” generated, I will not bare my mind completely. Moreover, we had seen a post from the lady where she asked the public to direct their ire to the senator.

That said, I will give Senator Oshiomole the benefit of the doubt and hold fire until further evidence has been received. Only then will I robustly discuss a career change for him, because it is looking like a foot fetish will serve his constituency far better than whatever he is doing in the Senate.

For now, I will hold my peace, but not before thanking him for giving me the perfect excuse that I gave Duchess when she walked in on me on a video call with a sweet vixen.

As she was frowning and about to hit my head with her shoe, I looked up and said, “Oh no, it isn’t me on the call o, it’s AI, I swear. “

She looked at me, confused as I repeated it. “Adiagha, it is AI, not me,” even as the stupid lady on the video call was shouting, “Hello, Hello, Hello, Duke! Duke! Who is that in the room with you?”

God bless you, Sir. AI or no AI, you have given us a strong template. Thank you.

Funke Akindele – Dancing Queen

You know, one of the most difficult things to do is to argue with people who easily get emotional during discussions.

That is what happens when you are trying to trash an issue with creatives.

I always say my mind and will say it now. So ace filmmaker Kunle Afolayan, in a brief remark, had said, “Oh, I cannot dance to promote a film, make N2 billion at the gates and take home N10 million.

This was seen, and I believe as a direct affront to the beautiful Funke Akindele, whose marketing genius has made her the most prolific movie maker in Africa, delivering about three movies that have crossed the N1 billion mark. If it is to dance like a mad woman to achieve that feat, so be it.

As Kunle’s assertion was dying down, another delectable movie actress – Kai, I have forgotten her name o – re-echoed the same sentiments – that she too cannot dance to market a movie.

My people, this is what my late stockbroking mentor, Dr Chukwujama, used to call “crap”. A movie is not only a vehicle of creative pursuit, but it is an investment by a group of people who have put in money and expect returns. It only makes sense that once you have been entrusted with other people’s funds, you have to go beyond creativity. It is not just to deliver quality but also to ensure that the investments don’t go south. So if it is to don the costume of an Atilogwu dancer to achieve the same, you do it.

Hiding under whatever reason to explain poor returns or climbing a totem pole of creative arrogance to leave the marketing to the “owners” is the bane of Nollywood, as you see that it’s a tiny majority of movies that really do make any serious money for its investors.

So, a producer drops funds to a director, he shoots what he and his arrogant colleagues term a masterpiece and moves on with no real marketing push, and only six people go and watch it?

The main point that he made is about making N10 million out of the N2 billion. Ah, Funke, if that is true, it’s truly one kind o, and I too, will not dance for that kind of money o. Please look into that aspect and revert so we know how to shout. Thank you.

Rabiu Kwankwaso – Long Dagger in the Night

If Senator Kwankwaso is hurt by the betrayal of his “boy”, the Governor of Kano who recently moved to APC, then he is a very bad student of Nigerian politics. Betrayal of this nature is part of the ethos of our politicians, abi didn’t MKO’s running mate go and collect ministerial appointment in the thick of the fight for June 12? There are so many cases of betrayal, backstabbing and all. That is the ethos of our politicians and politics. Betrayal and “anywhere bele face” tendencies are politics 101, and as such, this small boy Yusuf’s matter is only the latest in that long line.  As we approach 2027, we will witness many more.

So bro, mbok, dust your agbada,  ignore the “pest” and face forward and build your own footpath. I do not even trust that you, too, will not defect.

After all, as Managing Director of a dying Asset Management Firm, I saw my Deputy Managing Director sending out a “CV,” looking for a job as I was telling him – we have to fight this thing, we have to redeem investors’ money, we have to rebuild. All that fell on deaf ears as Oga don go get job.

Betrayal and backstabbing are Nigerian thing and our politicians have branded it and taken ownership. That is why today, almost all of our governors have done that, and even party owners are looking for the highest bidder to sell their parties to. So my brother, let me repeat, “me sef dey look you one kain eye” and won’t be surprised if I see you one day carrying a broom too.

Nothing will ever surprise me in Nigerian politics since June 12.

Ifunanya Nwagene – A Snake Bite?

A snake bit this beautiful singer, and she immediately joined the gloomy statistics in our healthcare delivery system. My assertion that the chances that if you enter any healthcare institution in this Nigeria, from highbrow to the “nurse” in Ikorodu with anything outside of malaria or erectile dysfunction, that you will come out in a casket has climbed to about 70% in recent times has further been confirmed by this sad incident.

Shebi Chimamanda is still crying, the over 50,000 Nigerians who lost their loved ones monthly to negligence are still crying, and now, a common snake bite has carried this young lady.

The hospital now issued a shameful press statement – ohhh it is a lie that we don’t have anti-venom… as we were treating her, she suddenly went into “something”, and before she was wheeled into ICU, she gave up… Shame. Real shame.

She got there alive o, she was being treated o, according to their own statement o and “suddenly”? Suddenly ko, suddenly ni, as Eleyimi will say. These ones are the worst of the worst in this tragedy. A small thing like a snake bite o and the girl died. It’s not as if the snake ate her o, a small “shikini” bite, and these ones are talking this kind of “crap”? I just tire. Kai.

Atiku Abubakar: The Other Duke Has Spoken

His Excellency Donald Duke is the “other” Duke, and he is said to have taken time off “daddy” duties, where he has been shown, shaking his body at his beautiful daughter’s wedding, to give Alhaji Atiku the same advice that I have been giving with no avail.

You are not Abraham Lincoln, stop campaigning and begin to make Presidents – this is what the other Duke was quoted to have said to the very stubborn Atiku. Mbok, is this not the same thing that I have been shouting all these years?

Maybe now that the former Governor has spoken, Oga will listen. If something is not working, why not leave it abeg? You have tried several times and failed. This one is not optimism or determination or anything of the sort; it’s just a realistic disengagement – leave it.

The more you contest, the more you complicate matters for the opposition. See this time now, you are blocking Obi and all other people, and your ambition will unravel the coalition as sure as day, but you keep insisting, such that after the primaries, the party will be weakened in a competition that we would be facing a full matured ogre. Is it not this same ambition that created the Wike phenomenon that has made Nigerians not “drink water” since?

Oga sir, for the very last time, if you do not step down, I will confirm that you are working for Tinubu, as there would be no other explanation for this rudderless ambition beyond the fact that you have been placed there to make sure that no robust opposition can be built. Yes, you may come and beat me if you so wish. Thank you.

Adekunle Ojora: The Titan Elegantly Eases Out

I grew up on him. He was in all of the society pages with his elegant wife, Erelu Ojora. I used to look forward to seeing their pictures on the pages of City People those days as he graced the biggest parties of the day. By the time I came of age, he had mostly retired from business but I learnt that he was one of Nigeria’s most enigmatic boardroom gurus which gave him remarkable wealth and influence.

His close friendship with Admiral Augustus Aikhomu who was then Nigeria’s number two man was also a point of engagement for us, his fans.

Then one day, Chief Emeka Anyaoku called me to his house and I walked in and there sat Otunba Ojora with his Erelu. I was flabbergasted and went straight on my tummy, flat on the floor. Chief Anyaoku introduced me and Otunba hugged me while Erelu smiled at me.

That was my first and only meeting of this very well-respected Nigerian enigma. He would definitely rest in peace for he didn’t look for trouble. He was a great one. Another iroko has fallen. Wow!

Chibundu Edozie – Holding Down the Legacy

Chibundu is the Managing Director of resurging BGL, the huge Investment banking titan that fell on rough times the other day. That was how I spent some time recently with him and the new team that is breaking history. They face the huge task of rebuilding an alluring and enduring franchise with so much energy and enthusiasm.

Chibundu is decidedly media shy and would not grant an interview. But if there is anything I like is his grit, loyalty and rude determination not to let the dream and legacy of immortal Albert Okumagba die.

Chibundu comes to the task with a very “un-Nigerian” like attachment to an ideal. He has shockingly stood by BGL and Albert. When all of us, yes, including me, bailed at the first sign of trouble, he stayed put. Went through all the wahala, including personal danger and seeming judicial stress to achieve a reclamation of all licenses, new investors and a dogged determination to pay down everybody, and much more importantly, stand very boldly to reclaim market leadership.

Let me also mention Pat, Wasiu and Kingsley, who also stood with Chibundu through thick and thin and are still standing. These are Investment banking heroes, and we all really should stand up and support them because they have taken all the rotten tomatoes and are still standing and saying – We are still here. Kai.

Well done, guys.

Peter Obi: A Fitting Prayer

Mr. Peter Obi has asked Nigerians to pray for politicians, saying that they are our biggest problems. I swear, I owe Mr. Obi a big bowl of afang for this statement. Nothing can be further from the truth, as we have known since Independence that our problems have always been a problem of leadership.

This problem needs much more than prayers, as I am very, very sure that it cannot be resolved with ordinary, common prayers. Even if we combine the comedic turn of Odumeje and the mellow growl of Adeboye with the singing charisma of an Okotie, it will not work.

What I think we should do is offer Nigeria for sale. Yes, instead of Trump pushing for Greenland or wetin dem call am that is all ice, he should come here and buy us.

Apart from our very rich natural resources, we have Grammy-nominated artists, we have AI geniuses like Adams, and so many Nollywood actresses, plus 36 First Ladies that we can add to the deal.

We are a lost case I swear. My enthusiasm for Nigeria ended the day I saw judges going to “beg” for land. I just shook my head and entered my room to go and eat afang and sleep.

See Venezuela now, before they spend any money, Trump will sign off. Imagine sending that Lagos budget where one chair is N20 million to Trump to sign off – na ICE we go just see for Alausa. That is what we need, not prayers. Let’s sell this country and share the money, I tell you. Kai.

Fela Kuti: A Great and Inspiring Accolade

Under the cloak of a huge debate, Fela was rewarded with a lifetime achievement award at the Grammys, and we were all proud. All of us o, including those of us who were on Wizkid’s side, jumped up for joy as our 27 wives marrying, pant-wearing, army arrangement crooner emerged the first ever African to be so honoured.

Nobody has ever doubted his greatness, his impact, and his contributions to the black struggle, as Fela remains within the pantheons of African greatness, and this award, given by the very people he fought against, goes to show that no matter how long, truth finally prevails.

My congratulations to the Kuti family and indeed to all Nigerians for birthing this genius. Well done to us. Oya, let’s berth some more so that we are not just seen as a one-hit wonder.

Oya, let’s all put our hands together and build Wizkid, Burna Boy and Davido to surpass this incredible achievement of Baba. One of them must pass him because that is the prayer of every African parent – make my pikin pass me. One of these must pass Fela, and they are on the sure pathway. Thank you.

The Growing Menace of GYM Instructors

You know that I fear no man born of a woman, and as such will always say my mind. Any man who allows his wife, girlfriend or side chick to go to any GYM in this country is doing himself a very big disfavour. The way these people are “taking” down people’s wives, you will marvel. It is now an epidemic, as daily, we are hearing of these people sleeping with our women.

They do this very easily because the women with all of their body image issues remain vulnerable, and before you know it, they are bent over the treadmill and are being – you know what.

One was arrested in Uyo for impregnating two at the same time. In Magodo, two married women who bought cars for one were caught fighting. My personal friend lost his wife and three children to a GYM instructor.

Me, I don’t know how we can regulate this sector before First Ladies start falling into the hole.

My brothers of the fraternity, na beg I dey beg you people, instead of allowing your wives to go to those places, do GYM in your house and if you don’t have money to do GYM, go and do training and become your wife’s personal trainer because I cannot shout o.