Loud Whispers With joseph Edgar

Get Well Soonest, Wale Edun

 It was Sir Shina Peters who said “Soonest Recover” and entered Nigeria’s database of “ibon shooters”. They said Baba had a stroke; that he could not lift his legs or hands. They added that he had been flown abroad. Another source said it is not true that Baba was purging and that he was recuperating in his house, and then Baba appeared in London dressed like Simon Templar, inspecting paintings with one young man. I was very happy to see the footage of Baba Edun in that gallery. Sources said he suffered fatique. Apparently, in his effort to fix the economy, Baba broke down.

My immediate concern on the matter is the effect of his indisposition on the stabilising economy. We seem to be turning the bend; inflation has dropped to about 18%, and GDP is showing an upward trajectory quarter on quarter.

Naira is strengthening, and the IMF just reviewed our growth projections from about 4% to about 6%. His continued safe handling of this process is very much needed, and as such, if he has any plans of falling sick, he should postpone it immediately.

You know me, I am an opportunist and can be easily compromised – his handling of the fiscal side of the economy has begun to show very strong signs of positive recovery to the point that even foreign investors have started rushing back amongst other brave economic occurrences, thus making me shift ground from looking at him with “bad eyes” from afar to rushing to his corner and calling him “egbon”.

All prayers for Wale Edun – may the evil of debilitating illness not be his portion; may he gather strength to continue on this trajectory, and may he be granted a long and healthy life in the name of everything we worship in Nigeria. Thank you.  

That Tompolo’s Humongous Donation

It was not by mistake that he was named ‘government.’ Now, I do not know if that is his real name or a moniker because when the Delta State Governor was talking about him at the launch of the Delta State Security Trust Fund, he called a long name that I cannot even begin to spell.

Anyways, what we have heard is that this deity, who, according to the governor, was appearing in public for the first time in 10 years, was said to have donated a whopping N10 billion at the event.

Even the man who was recording was heard in confusion asking – shey na N10 million or na N10 billion? It can never be N10 million; N10 million that cannot even buy a wig for my side chick, talk less of buying three bullets for the police. So, my people, it is N10 billion and you now see why they call him Government, because na only government that can do this type of thing.

You now see that Aliko Dangote was correct when he said that there are people with more liquidity in this country than him. Coming from the adjudged richest black man in the world, we took it with a pinch of salt.

Now, Tompolo has come out to prove him right. If the man can just come out of whichever estuary of the Delta he was nestling with his mermaids and just casually drop N10 billion, you can begin to imagine his true net worth.

Mbok, the man should just buy Delta State and turn the place into Dubai. It is not only to be donating to the Security Trust Fund- he should just tell the governor to go and be doing Nollywood movies while he systematically deploys his money to transform the state abeg. The thing that pains me the most in the whole thing is the trousers he wore to the event. The thing was so thin that it was very tight and brought out his small bum. Be like say na Mudi sew am. That is Mudi’s signature style – tight trousers. Kai, full rehabilitation.

A Brilliant Position from Seriake Dickson

If you look at this Bobo from afar, you will not believe he can speak so intelligently o. Don’t come and beat me, o. But seriously, he looks like my mother’s elder brother that we used to call “bro”. Both, however, were policemen, but my own uncle died after retiring as a sergeant. This one grew to become a governor and now a senator.

I listened to him the other day talking about the incredulous move for a second-term governor to decide to cross-carpet. Senator Dickson’s speech was just so beautiful. He talked about pluralism and other such terms that even the Senate President does not know the meaning. Multi-plural democracy is a phrase I last heard in Prof. Rotimi Suberu’s Political Science class at the University of Ibadan in the 80s. Even Prof. Suberu was still a graduate assistant when he uttered the phrase.

So, a senator coming to talk about it in the face of a yellow cowardly governor’s slimy and cowardly move was very impressive and must be encouraged.

This is very rare because all we hear from our senators these days is -he touched my hand; no, I did not touch her hand, type of talk.

My brother, I, however, will be very shocked if, after all these big English, you do not know the reason why a second-term governor is rushing to the ruling party. It is called “run to refuge”. That is post service immunity, if you “gerrit, you gerrit and if you don’t gerrit, forget abourrit”. Thanks

Pat Akpabio: A Rumbling Empty Stomach

Have you seen the reports? This is supposed to be our Senate President’s obviously very bitter sister-in-law, Pat, railing against our bumbling Senate President Godswill Akpabio. She is said to be the wife of that one’s brother, Ibanga. As expected, her tirade is very tedious with all sorts of accusations – killings, corruption, etc, the usual things.

You see, anybody who knows the woman should send me her number, let me tell her what I am about to write here, face to face – get out. Common “gerraway” and slide back to your murky and descript hole.

I really hate people like this. If the report is true, then this is the usual belly-aching that comes with a disenfranchised, spoilt relation.

We all knew how this family reigned when Godswill was the Governor in Akwa Ibom. That his brother was the deputy emperor, and yes, they reigned. They were a very strong cabal, and you could not get anything done in the state if you did not take kola nut through this cabal.

Now things have changed, and this woman is shouting all over the place. Please “getat”, really “getaway you” as they say in Igbo trader parlance. I am so angry right now. Please, someone send me her number. There is something I want to tell her. When I finish with her, she will run back to her village and cover her frumpy nakedness. Such utter rubbish.

Ben Murray-Bruce:  A Tipple and a Droplet

I was looking for an English phrase to describe just how inconsequential this “joining APC” is to our system and politics.

It is not even a drop in the ocean. Mbok, anybody that can help me with a phrase that will describe the very tiniest in consequentialism, if there is any word like that to describe this announcement.

Everybody that have a lot to lose, who has voting blocs that are very relevant in their space, is relocating to APC. Our man with only one black suit to his name is also doing the same.

Maybe for rehabilitation, sha, then one would be keen to understand, but putting it on the reasons he gave in a report that I have seen is predisposing that all the drug lords recently pardoned have started dropping products in our food, thereby turning us into a nation of gullible dregs.

It is this thing that is making me begin to see people like Atiku, Aregbesola and El-Rufai in garbs that they don’t really have because of their principled stance on this matter.

This oga just irritated me big time with this self-serving move. He may come and beat me for this because I know he really has a very thin skin for strong criticisms like this, but this is well-deserved, if you ask my mother. I am waiting. Thanks.

Nyesom Wike: Clipping of the Butterfly

They say that because the butterfly can fly, it thinks it is a bird. I am ready to bet my N4.9m retirement pension that after the 2027 elections, this our oga will be in the labour market faster than a damsel loses her virginity when she strays into -you know where. N4.9m? You will ask. Yes, o that is what my pension manager told me is my retirement benefit after over 20 years in investment banking- so they pay me N30,000 every month, and I will be begging them to give me all let me take to one brothel in Shomolu and they say no.

So, instead, I am ready to bet with it that Nyesom Wike will be the first to be thrown overboard once the second term is secured.

If the report I just saw is correct and there is nothing about it that says it is not true, then the process of the inevitability has begun. The report that I have read and that is widely circulated is that his monthly press briefing may have been banned by the Presidency, ostensibly to allow for a fragile peace in Rivers.

If this is true, then it is a major slap on his face and ego. Oga is no longer an elected person but an appointee with clear terms of service and with stated codes of conduct.

Press briefings should be on activities of his ministry, if at all, but mainly reports to his employer and not state-of-the-nation address. His press briefings are usually cringeworthy as they come with the features of a pantomime – from proverbs to dance, to abuses, to threats, it all just makes it look like a drunken sailor on the loose.

Well, the man did not get to where he has gotten to without understanding the system and how to navigate it. My own is that he should just try and be calm for a bit. Na beg.

Christopher Kolade: A Life Well Lived

The news of the passing of this colossus hit while I was out of the country. Dr Kolade was an epitome of integrity and results-oriented leadership. From his job at the NBC through corporate Nigeria and academia, he carried himself with elegance that won so many admirers.

I had met him twice, and I must say that he left a lasting impact on me. I met him at the Lagos Business School once, and then when Chief Obasanjo sent me to him, on the back of my stage play ‘Aremu.’ That he schooled me is an understatement.

I met up with him at his Ogudu GRA residence and we spoke for hours on end. He was frail but looked well. His hair was silver gray, and he had a cup of tea. He offered me a cup, and I asked for afang. Obviously, they didn’t have, and I gave him my waiver. He was grateful for that.

We talked about leadership, integrity, vision and all of those things that were dear to him and that seem to be missing in today’s Nigeria.

He talked about his work at the Chief Obasanjo Library – he was Chairman Board of Trustees, I think, and we also talked about his family life and all.

At the end of the conversation, I was more than satiated and did not need to eat any more.

Today, he has gone, but his legacy remains. He was a beautiful man.

Dakuku Peterside: Leading in a Storm

I am writing this column in a hurry because I have to choose what to wear to attend my brother and fellow columnist Dakuku Peterside’s book launch. Dakuku, who is one of Nigeria’s most prolific columnists and essayists, has just written a book he has titled “Leading in a Storm.” I see that a lot of world leaders have endorsed the book, as it talks about pure leadership during stormy weather.

I have not read the book, but I have to attend the book launch if not the oga can beat me o. The way he storms my “DP” with stories, letters, the cover of the book, and so many details about the book, if I don’t attend, he can beat me o.

I have called him to ask what the dress code is, and he says, “Edgar, wear anything you want to wear.” I have decided to wear my shorts and enter the place.

Dakuku and Magnus Onyibe are two extremely prolific thinkers. Their positions on issues, especially on leadership and the economy, always come out very profound. This is why I am looking forward to reading just the summary of this book. You will say why summary? Well, na wetin my attention span can hold be that, but for the rest of you, read the book ooooo. Thanks.

President Tinubu’s Unpardonable Gaffe

Mbok, I will have to apologise to my dear sister, Cynthia, on the BGL WhatsApp group. I hadn’t gone through the list of those pardoned by our magnanimous President when I ran to his defence. It is his prerogative as President to grant a pardon, I screamed. I added – it is his constitutional right o and he can and must do it upon recommendations, I screamed as loud as I could.

My people, when we all went through the list, we got dumb-founded and I particularly went back to the group to apologise.

Mbok, when I saw the list and the numbers of drug-related people that were pardoned, one would think that an alumni meeting had been held and a strong presentation was made ooo.

Mamman Vatsa and Herbert Macaulay were strong moves, but the positivity of those two people was quickly dimmed by the madness of the rest of the list, and one could immediately see that Macaulay and Vatsa were just cannon fodder to sweeten the bitterness of that exercise.

If I were Marwa, the passionate head of the NDLEA, I would resign as this just makes a nonsense of all the efforts and progress the agency has been recording.

Mbok, while we are still on this matter, let’s not forget Evans, the billionaire kidnapper. We should be considering his state pardon in time for the elections, just in case he has ambitions. Na wa, I swear. Kai.