Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Oluwo of Iwo: Call the Fire Brigade

These days, we cannot be sure of what we see in the news. But I will share my view. I saw this huge traditional ruler on camera in agbada and long beads, calmly accusing the great Ooni of Ife of things I am afraid to mention here o. I am praying that the clip is AI-generated and not a highly revered Oba accusing another prominent and respected Oba of heinous things like adultery, attempted murder and sabotage.

I really don’t want to write too much on the matter for two reasons.  First, it could be AI, and second, because I don’t have immunity from the juju that could be deployed from either side if I really state what is on my mind.

But their aburo, famed journalists and my brother Abiola Aloba, brimming from the immunity conferred on him as a thoroughbred Ijebu Prince, took the Oluwo of Iwo to the cleaners in an IG post: “What a shame, what an absolute disgrace. Instead of words of wisdom as expected of you, what you have spewed is nothing but the froth of folly. Please clean your mouth, sir. In the place of the sober dignity befitting a monarch, you chose a gutter performance that exposed nothing but emptiness.”

Need I say more? Aloba’s rant was plenty; I don’t have the time and energy to type everything. Anybody who wants to read all should contact me on the phone number on top of the page, and I will give you his number to reach him for the full bile he poured on this “kabiyesi.”

As for my position, all I can say is “shior”. Thank you.

Somtochukwu Maduagwu: Felled at Dawn

This is a sad occurrence. I have never heard or even watched this beauty on screen. The news hit with a thud. I saw the picture of a very beautiful lady, an ARISE TV anchor gunned down. I was a little bit confused because the pic that followed the report looked like the picture of the lawyer who was kidnapped in Kogi the other day. So, I just skipped because I really do not have the strong mental comportment to receive bad news.

But as the week unfolded and the news permeated all media platforms, I took my time to read and assimilate what had just happened. Oh my God, a brilliant 29-year-old just fell on the slab of Nigeria’s incontinence. Armed robbers, police coming late, no fuel in the police vehicle to move her to the hospital, the hospital rejecting her, and then she died.

All of this was just too much, and no matter how many courtesy calls or condolence visits and all the rabble-rousing things we do at these kinds of events would console Nigerians. Another bright young mind has been chewed up by this system.

This is inconsolable, and if I were her family, I would ask for no condolence visits because they are all very, very, very hypocritical, I tell you.

Sommie, just ignore all of these. You are now in a better place with the Lord. Sha just forgive us all, because we have failed you. Kai.

Taiwo Oyedele: It’s Sexual Healing

He looks so much like my brother Temi Popoola, the NGX Czar. Anyway, he is the tax czar. He is the one championing the tax reforms that everybody is eagerly awaiting to berth next year.

In trying to sell the reforms, he was reported to have told members of the Redeemed Christian Church that sex workers (Runs girls) will start paying tax.

Now, how he arrived at the decision to tell Redeemed people who are not expected to be customers of these runs girls beats my imagination, except the man knows one or two things about the inverse relationship between Redeemed people and prostitutes that we don’t know.

Well, when a government is greedy, it will do all sorts for money. It was the Bureau of Statistics that first broached the idea of using the sex industry in measuring economic

growth. They faced a lot of public derision, and they kept quiet. Now this baba with the cheap suits has come again.

My issue on this matter is plenty. Are prostitutes expected to carry receipts, and which customer would allow his name to be written on the receipt or kept on a database?  Second, how do we measure the service rendered and VAT price?

Missionary, back door, kneeling, oral or what? In sending the audit report, how would they be classified, and what kind of tax are we looking at: PAYEE, VAT, pay as you enter, personal income tax and the rest?

Mbok, my best advice to Oga Taxman is to go and look for money elsewhere or better still, he should go and have the experience with at least three runs girls to better

understand the profession, so he can know how to map and code the process. Na wa.

Pat Utomi: A Shadow Government in the Shadows

You know we like to waste our time in this country, and the most painful thing is that we will be wasting taxpayers’ money to pursue “nothing.”

So we have to go as far as a court order to know that Prof Utomi’s Shadow Government was shadow boxing? Did the handsome Prof swear anybody in? Did he form a national anthem? Has he declared war, made uniforms for troops? Or did he march into Aso Rock and demand to be given office space?  Did he fly to the United Nations and demand to speak on behalf of Nigeria as Shadow President?

These time-wasting initiatives can be annoying and rankling. The next thing is  DSS running to court with big files. The judge sef wear dry-cleaned black gown, put glasses for his nose and proclaim ‘Illegal,’ closes for work, and goes home to his wife and that one hugs him and says, “Well done, my judge.”

Pat Utomi, in my books, like any other Nigerian, has the right to form any association and call it anything he wants to call it as long as he does not claim any geographical part of Nigeria as his own. He can call it anything he wants to, such as student unions on campuses calling themselves Student Union Government.

The man is a theoretical politician, and everything he does is within the realm of theory and in the breeze. So, rushing to court and wasting taxpayers’ money and time is just not it for me.

Abeg, let’s be serious and tackle much more endemic issues; it is not the ‘shadow government’ that is doing us now. Me sef, I will soon form my own abeg. Na wa.

Johnson Ememandu:  An International Banker of Repute

Watch out for this fellow. I am shouting now o. He is not very popular but influential within the international banking set. Johnson, my brother, has just been announced as Managing Director of Fidbank UK. Fidbank UK is the international subsidiary of the fast-growing Fidelity Bank. In fact, Fidelity Bank, under my big Sister Nneka, has remained very audacious in its approach to market expansion, and this “capture” of Johnson sits very perfectly in the aggressive positive push Fidelity bank has taken with the leadership of Madam Nneka.

Johnson is so-well respected and deservedly so. He is today one of Nigeria’s most brilliant bankers, whose depth of knowledge and international contacts make him a major attraction to any Nigerian business that wants to make a serious inroad into the international market.

If you call Johnson now, he will say he is in Singapore. You call him tomorrow, and he will say he is in Hong Kong. Call him the next day, and he will say Abuja, and that is Johnson for you.

Well done, my guy, and I wish you a very successful tenure at Fidbank UK. Nice catch, una try. Kai.

Go Victor Osimhen, Go

Victor has scored 10 goals in the Champions League, equalling Obafemi Martins’ sterling record in the competition.

Since Okocha and Nwankwo retired, Nigeria has not been able to produce mighty stars in that mould till Victor came on board. This boy has been a fixture in the international scene, doing things and keeping the flag flying.

I like him personally, even though I have not had the good fortune of meeting him. His exploits on the field continue to reverberate all over the globe, making us really proud.

That is why, when one day my very beautiful daughter Annette came back home and casually said, a boy with red hair greeted her, but she ignored him. I asked which boy, and her Uncle Nonso said Victor Osimhen. I shouted, “Victor?” and Nonso affirmed that he stays in Magodo,  just by our street.

I almost flogged my daughter. Victor greeted you, and you walked away? Her mama jumped up and headed towards the door, and I asked her where she was going. She said she was going to see if Victor was still there so that he could greet her, too.

Laugh nearly killed me. I said, “Tokunbo, you think say Victor dey do ‘tokunbo?’ Come on, siddon before you go and injure national treasure with that your strong hand.

Congrats, my boy. Mbok, when next you are in Magodo, let me know so that I can bring Annette to come and apologise for not answering you. Her Mama no train am well to respect national hero. Well done, aburo.

Seyi Anifowose: A Worthy Record Entry

This my aburo last month entered the Guinness Book of World Records. He assembled the largest gathering of teachers in one place. Over 60,000 teachers assembled at the iconic Tafawa Balewa Square to dance, advocate and network under his auspices. The Guinness Book of World Records people came and counted all of them, accredited him and announced him in the record books.

As expected, Nigerians ignored, since none of the teachers were naked, or cooked the biggest pot of rice, or offered to sleep with 100 men in 24 hours.

Well, Nigerians can be like that, so we don’t really mind. The most important thing is that Seyi has made a point, and the world has listened. He did not just assemble them for the record books or for them to be wearing Ankara and be dancing; they also wrote a communique that has been transmitted to the National Assembly, stating very strong demands on teacher welfare and the rest.

Well done, my brother, your reward is still in heaven, apparently. Be patient. Thanks.

Ibi Sofekun: From Lagos to Lagos

For those of you who do not know, let me better explain. Ibi Sofekun, the Sagamu man, is riding his bike from Lagos, Portugal to Lagos, Nigeria in a hard-lifting journey that will see him ride through over 50 countries in about 90 days.

He is near home now, as he has entered West Africa. Last time I spoke to him, he was in Senegal enjoying their wollof rice.

When Ibi first mentioned the idea, I did not support him o because he is 69 and frail. I asked a lot of questions – food, sex, border issues, security, etc. Baba told me not to worry that everything is under control.

He went looking for sponsorship, and like everything developmental – the ride is to create awareness for the mental health of the boy child – he was ignored.

This did not deter him as he flew into Europe and commenced his journey. Very adventurous and exciting from the pictures that I have seen.

He is expected to hit Lagos this weekend and will be received by a huge crowd, where he is expected to be feted and saluted. Make he just go do Nuru massage after, and I know you people also don’t know what a Nuru massage is. That is the one where

naked women will be massaging you. It is crazy, call me. I have their phone numbers.

Thank you and welcome, Fire kiss.