Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar

Hilda Baci: The Jollof in Our Rice

In a brazen display of courage and confidence, Hilda Baci once again etched her name in the record books. She cooked the largest pot of jollof rice in a single swoop, witnessed by 20,000 Nigerians she invited to lunch. The Guinness World Records team had little choice but to validate the feat, announcing almost immediately the confirmation of her remarkable effort.

Hilda is from my state, Akwa Ibom. Yes o, Akwa Ibom – on this matter, I am a tribalist. She first came into our consciousness when she cooked the longest and snatched the first world record for her attempt. Nigerians, being who we are, started copying her. Before you realise it, we started seeing some funny attempts – longest kiss, longest yawn, longest singing – all sorts. This irritated the “people” who were even reported to have placed a ban on Nigerians on the matter. The euphoria later died down, and we moved on to other things.

Suddenly, Hilda just emerged from nowhere with this new feat. Do you now see why she was nominated for the Power List as the only nominee from my state? I have been asked why the Senate President, Godswill Akpabio, was not nominated. My simple answer is: What is it about him?

Mbok, my sister, well done o, is all I can say. But who is that “akusa” who was holding your hand and doing one kind thing around you that day? That is my only concern.

Aliko Dangote and His Magic Trucks

For those of us who went to secondary school in the 70s, you will remember Ali and the Magic Coat. He went around saying that only good men can see the coat.  People started pretending to see the coat so that they would not be labelled as bad people.

Well, I don’t see the link between my story and the Aliko Dangote story that continues to amaze Nigerians. Shebi you people call me madman, yet you read this column.  Let me show you people some “madness” by starting this story with Ali and his magic coats to confuse you.

Anyways, Dangote has dropped 10,000 trucks into the country, disrupted fuel distribution and created over 24,000 jobs in one fell swoop. What does he get in return- fight, threats of strike and name-calling. Typical Nigerian way of saying well done and thank you.

This has led him to say, “Some people are more liquid than myself, but when they see the wahala we go through, they just ‘jejely’ take their money to Monaco and rest.”

Need I say more, but to thank God for dropping a man like Dangote on this side of the world. A man, who despite it all, continues to forge, push and make huge sacrifices for his vision and dreams.

I don’t mind being a sycophant for this baba, especially if you see all that he is doing. Taking risks, both material and physical, to ensure that he makes a point.

NUPENG? He didn’t even remember their names. Even me too would have forgotten their names if not that I continue to thank them for the role they played in driving away the military. Since then, however, they have driven themselves into a certain kind of irrelevance. Not their fault sha, because of the dynamic change in their business and their inability to recognise new value points to plug in.

Well, sha, they will be ok. For now, let’s pop the champagne. Kai, well done, sir.

Dele Momodu: A Different Turn

Shebi, I have always said that Dele Momodu, my egbon – the man has crossed 60 – is one of the finest columnists Nigeria has produced, and it is for this reason, and may be more that I always eulogise him at every opportunity.

Anyways, I found myself recently in his luxurious apartment at the posh Eko Atlantic perimeters, eating several plates of rice and too much beef that I am sure my doctor would scream if he ever got to know.

We met at the famous JK Randle Museum at Onikan, where we sat with the GM –  or is it curator they call him – to discuss important plans for the museum and Yoruba culture. After that, we moved in a convoy to the apartment where assorted wines and delicious food were served.

You see, the kernel of my visit was to collect costumes for my new play on Chief MKO Abiola, taking place in London, where Chief Momodu is being depicted, and the visit led to a long discussion on Nigeria o.

Nothing I did not hear o. You know Chief Momodu has a front row seat in the Nigerian story – from Tinubu to Mike Adenuga. From Wike to Atiku. From MKO Abiola to Sanwo-Olu, down to even music and comedy. I sat down, mowing down the food and hearing some of the most powerful stories about Nigeria and its actors.

After it all, I thanked him, entered my car and promptly fell asleep. Chief Momodu almost killed me with rice, stew, dodo and meat. Egbon, please let me even ask, what exactly did you put in that stew, because I have been describing it to Duchess to see if she can replicate it to no avail.

Mbok, when can I come again ooo?

Azuka Ogujiuba: A Worthy Fight Back

I stumbled on Azuka’s “World Press Conference” where she stated very emphatically her anger and rightly so, at the way she was treated by the police for publishing a certified court ruling. You see, the last time I wrote about this matter, she was not too happy with me. “Edgar, you no write am well,” she ranted. “You think it is a joke? What if I were killed? You no mention the man behind all of these, and you no even put his picture,” and ended the call by calling me colourful names. Kai, Azuka is a stormy petrel that does not hesitate to jump vicariously into any fight. Now this boy and his policemen have gone to look for the wrong trouble, and Azuka is giving them back powerfully, using what she knows best – the media to pour tomatoes and pepper on their ugly faces.

The truth is that, and this has always been my position, the ease with which anyone with loose cash can deprive anybody of his or her constitutional rights to freedom, due process and fair hearing in this country is now becoming very alarming.

See this Azuka’s case. A court had made a ruling, and she, like so many other media platforms, published. But she was captured like a wanted drug lord, kept in a dingy cell, and deprived of all her rights? We are truly in a Banana Republic, because this is truly the case for thousands of Nigerians where the courts can’t even save you – who is obeying court orders these days?

We are all left to fight for our rights the way Azuka is fighting for hers now, and for those of us with no media leverage like Azuka and no cash to deploy, we are left to prophets and juju men to save us from whatever trouble may come our way in this country of ours.

Azuka, you have my unalloyed support on this matter, no just yab me again, it’s not good na. Well done, a courageous lady.

Zacch Adedeji – The fire next door

It is with a heavy heart that I write today to send my condolences to the FIRS for the sad loss of their four directors in the recent fire that happened in Lagos. The reports that have been released showed massive loss of property, injuries and lives of these obviously dutiful staff of the agency.

While we were still grappling with that, another fire breakout was reported in the famous Mandilas Market, where warehouses filled with goods running into the billions were also gutted by fire.

There is no day that I walk into that area that the spectre of fire does not loom large in my head. This is, however, not the time to shift blame or to scream, I told you so, but a time to lend support as the victims, their families and associates grapple with the huge losses of their loved ones.

Please kindly accept my condolences and my prayers for strength and fortitude to bear this obviously very painful loss. My prayers are also for those hardworking, young traders who have lost a fortune to the carnage. Kai, extremely painful. Please take heart and hold body. God knows best. Pele.

Where’s Sim Fubara Returning to?

This one has been beaten black and blue, and like a drenched chicken, he is going back to serve the remainder of his term in gloom. I don’t like him anymore. He took us into a fight, and when it mattered the most went to beg. Only God knows what the agreement or deal he must have cut to enable him to come back. As my brother Tonye Cole has said, he should just go and beg his godfather to allow him to take some decisions as governor.

Is that not a total castration? A sitting governor to go and beg another person with no constitutional power to allow him to take some decisions?

This Fubara is not even a vibrant SIM card, as the shortened version of his first name is normally called, but a voicemail, as we say on the street.

This was never a fighter, but a political bag boy who just lost his senses at some point, or maybe just got carried away by the powers he thought he had. Now he has been panel-beaten back to shape, and his senses have returned. His reality that he was just a “boy” has been better enshrined in his head. He will know better never to try his oga.

Na we wey follow am no get sense. Because as dumb as we were, we could not see through that this was not the real McCoy o. That was how we followed him to war, and the man left us at the battlefield, and we still dey here dey ask where is our oga?

Hero!!!! My scabies-infested ass. Mshewww.

Uche Ekwunife’s Dirty Politics

This madam has taken politics to a new low. They say it is because Governor Soludo yabbed her, and so in retaliation, she went down the cesspit to play. All that I have heard or seen is Governor Soludo asking her to confirm the authenticity of her qualifications, which is a legitimate question to ask in politics anywhere in the world.

In response, she went to the gutter. Oh, he has body odour, oh, his mouth is smelly, and lest you guys forget, his wife is a tramp having slept with a late past governor, and he should go and do a DNA test for his children.

See, hiding under the popular and very stupid saying that – if you want to know who slept with your mother before she was born, join politics – should not always be a justification for this kind of perfidy.

This former senator, or whatever she is, just missed it. She went to the gutter at the slightest provocation and defamed an innocent bystander who just happened to be the wife of her target. This can never be the kind of politics that reasonable people should ascribe to. I will never agree that Soludo fired first. Did Soludo ask for the paternity of her kids? No. What he reportedly said and what she was obviously responding to was simply, authenticate your qualifications.

I hear this lady has held so many public offices, and if this is the way she has been carrying along, then pity for her state and our country.

But what is even wrong with these Anambra women sef? The other day, one of them drunkenly walked up to another as First Lady and called the other one sitting elegantly jeje on her own bitch. Na wa for una women oooo. Kai.

EFCC’s Cuckoo Flew Away

The last time I wrote and mentioned the bank involved in this matter, they went for my jugular. I hear they went red in the eyes as they made phone calls to seize my platforms and debar me from exercising my constitutional rights to “tatafo.” So, on this one, I will keep quiet and not mention their name.

The story is that $7million cash was dropped in their bank vault just like that. Just like that o. In this Nigeria where they are saying economic hardship and the rest. One woman just “waka come” put $7million in a bank.

Luckily, the EFCC eagle was flying above and spotted it. Immediately, they swooped and seized the money. Everybody deny the money – the bank, the psychedelic woman, even those who counted the cash said they just resumed and saw it o – real wonder bank. Thankfully, the courts have returned the money to the government.

My thinking is that the EFCC agents who made the discovery should be given a good percentage of the money to incentivise them and inspire others that you can be a billionaire by doing your job well. The rest should be donated to all federal universities equally, and all General Hospitals. This must be done very quickly before another set of hoodlums with better connections will spirit away the funds. Kai! Nigeria, we hail thee.

My Sincere Wishes to Idowu Ajanaku

This my brother has just been appointed Commissioner for Information in Ondo State. The veteran media man has really made his mark in his space, hence this well-deserved appointment. Well done, my brother, as I remain very confident that you will bring your usual verve to your duty in Ondo. Congrats sir.