Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

What was That, Kwam 1?

If you have not seen that video, better find it and watch. They finally took “agberosim” to the airport. Watching the clip, the incident felt like something straight out of a poorly-made Nollywood Film. People were standing near the front of an airplane – Value Jet o –  and the next thing, the aircraft started moving ooo. A plane o, not a molue or a “bolekaja”, a plane o.

The next thing I saw people in uniform, and one man in brown traditional wear, dodging the wings of the plane as it started to taxi.

Which kind of country is this one na? The next minute, we saw a report on FAAN letterheaded paper explaining what had just happened.

The roundly described arrogant Fuji star and main contender for the throne of his Ijebu forefathers was embroiled in an argument with staff. He was asked to drop the flask he was carrying – veteran star said no, and asked why. Is he not the Oluaye of the World? Is he not the one who is the head of his ruling family and all that crap? An argument ensued, and he was deboarded. They took the fight outside as he was alleged to have poured the contents of the flask on the staff. Content that FAAN has now come out to say was alcohol.

What is really baffling is the fact that the Fuji Star was said to have physically attempted to stop the plane from moving in a very stupid act of defiance, just as they do in Oshodi Motor park – you know how the bus driver would refuse to pay NURTW levy and the collector would stand in front of the bus and attempt to remove its windshield. That was what Fuji Lord may have wanted to do – remove the windshield of the plane.

The pilots moved, leading Fuji Star to do a James Bond as we have seen in the video.

Rightly so, the pilots have been suspended and the Fuji Star taken in and surprisingly released even though they said they are still doing investigations.

Now, why terrorism charges should not be placed is surprising me here,  as I write, and why the pilots should not be charged with attempted murder and endangerment of lives on board is beginning to annoy me here.

I know they have said they are investigating, but we know how it will all end; that is why I am not holding my breath here. But seriously? What was that? What was really that? Is this not why people like that gap-toothed Kemi “Badenough” are out there calling us out? What was that? Rubbish. 

Bolaji Balogun: A Moment in Silence

For those of you who do not know, Bolaji is the first son of the highly revered banker, Otunba Subomi Balogun, who passed recently. Bolaji, in his own right, is also a super respected investment banker, businessman and thought leader. He is an influential capital market operator whose Chappelhill has been involved in some of the biggest transactions ever.

He is also an international resource person who sits on the board of the United Nations committee on something as the personal nominee of the UN Secretary General. He was once chairman of the giant Lafarge and is still chairman of Unilever.

So, why all these accolades, you may begin to wonder. Well, his name is being bandied as a possible replacement for the late Awujale, and he has told me categorically that he has zero interest.

In a very long conversation, he stated very firmly that although he has the highest respect for his heritage and regards the same as one of his utmost privileges, he has “zero interest” in being selected.

He talked about his many international engagements; the long conversation he had with his dad before he passed; the highly revered stool and its influence not only in Ijebuland but nationwide, and his inability to commit to all that it requires to fill in the very large shoes of the immediate past Awujale as reasons for his position.

What else can I say? I perfectly understand, sir. Abi wetin else I go talk? Kai.

President Jonathan, Kindly Ignore and Walk Away

My Lord, I have seen your name being bandied as a possible candidate for the Presidency under your party, PDP. You know me, I won’t mince words – better respect yourself and just walk away. Better just ignore those who are baiting you, because they just want to give you the last embarrassment.

The small goodwill you gained by refusing to fight and quickly surrendering when you lost to Buhari is what is giving you a small platform to talk in Nigeria and also pushing some small international jobs your way.

My egbon, let me tell you categorically that any attempt to enter the ring will not only wipe off that small goodwill but will also expose you to the kind of embarrassment that you would wish you were not born.

What we need now is not your style – you lack the charisma, vision or clarity of thought that is needed for a clear eye run.

Less I forget, it is not as if your tenure was anything to write home about, it’s just that when compared to what we are seeing since you left, yours is looking like Eldorado, but the truth? Yours was truly a lame attempt at governing, filled with indecisiveness and a drunken approach to issues.

I am being this very hard at you so that you don’t go and start wearing a bowler hat, tie your wrapper and be trying yourself.

Please, do not distract us as we search for a young dynamo that will come and save us, and truth be told, I would prefer another Tinubu term than another dancing chairs scenario where we will now recycle another lame duck into power like we are just another group of 200 million morons.

 Oga, better respect yourself and go and sit down. Thank you.

Emir Sanusi: Thieves in Very High Places

By now, if you do not know that Emir Sanusi is one of my most favourite people, then you don’t know me. The great Emir cannot help himself; in fact, he is one of those people who talk without thinking, and when he does, the whole place will be shaking.

It is this his “mouth” that has put him in so much trouble, possibly leading to his initial dethronement, but then again, it is this his very mouth that has built for him such huge goodwill, such massive followership, such influence that today he is one of the most respected individuals on the continent.

His recent statement, which has been widely reported, is one of those statements that is quintessential Emir Sanusi. “Stop rewarding thieves with public positions,” he reportedly said.

The boldness, straight-to-the-skin talk, is simply his style. Not for him is the diplomatically dancing around the issues that we are now very used to in public engagement. For him, he says it as it is.

This his latest statement reminds me of a list purportedly released by the EFCC, showing the governors under investigation, and we are now seeing them in different colourations as ministers, senators and the rest.

Emir Sanusi, with his flowing robes and peacocky demeanour, cannot be said to be a lone voice crying in the wilderness, because that description portends a starving, weak person, almost naked and looking very hungry; this our own voice na very loud, flamboyant, fine man, shouting. Will they listen to him?

Egbetokun: The Sowore of the Matter

These two are going at it like cat and mouse. One is saying the other is illegal, and the other is responding in the way he knows best – force.

I chatted with Sowore the other day about his latest invite, and I asked him if he was afraid. He said no and that he will honour the invite and face whatever they throw at him.

As expected, we have seen footage showing that he has been “taken” in. My people, as I write, there is no official position as to his status, and all I have to work on is a TV clip from News Central, speaking with one of Sowore’s people who spoke in very bad English and confirming that he has been rough-handled and aggressively taken in.

I really do not know the main story beyond the fact that Sowore has been shouting that IG is illegal, and as a result of it, there has been an ongoing cat-and-mouse game between the Force and Sowore.

You see, fighting Sowore the way it looks as if the police are doing, will not work. It is like fighting a prostitute after rounds of sex. Sowore has nothing to lose. He even needs all this attention to garner and maintain his relevance. And for the police? This is just another distraction when they are being faced with much more serious issues that they seem not to be ready for, and truly finding it hard to grapple with very efficiently.

Please, if it is true that he has been “taken in,” kindly just release him or offer him bail or send him to court or whatever because if I were in the IGs shoes, I will definitely not approach this Sowore’s matter in this manner, I’ll just handle it the way you handle an irritating stuborn boil in the back side – ignore.

Peter Obi’s Single-Term Ambition

Mr. Peter Obi has vowed that he will serve only a single term if elected as president. This is very strategic considering the need to take northern interests into the equation. If Obi decides to serve two terms, then the north will be feeling cheated, even though in my mind, after that Buhari’s eight years, the north should be banned for at least 50 years from the presidency. Those eight years were years of carnage and pestilence.

Anyway, some watchers have said that Obi’s statement looked like that of a desperate man. I don’t agree; it is a very realistic, strategic statement to calm the nerves of a region that claims to have the numbers.

If he doesn’t push that narrative and very strongly, he may not get their support, especially if you see that his kinsmen governors – only God knows what is wrong with those ones – are not supporting him. Even if they were, and he gets all the South-east votes, he would not be able to cross the River Niger with it.

I don’t think Obi is the saviour, I don’t think he will even win the election, but I swear, from what we have suffered since Obasanjo handed over, Obi is looking like a very gentle saint.

The kind of leadership we have been exposed to since Obasanjo left is like taking Hitler, Emperor Bokasa, Mobuto Sese Seko and Idi Amin together, crushing them, mixing them to create new human beings and placing them as presidents of Nigeria. I tell you, the children of Israel did not see one-tenth of what we have seen in their so-called suffering in the wilderness.

Obi mbok, should we pray for your emergence?

Kemi Badenoch: A British in Yoruba Skin

This one seems to have missed the way. Person who is Conservative leader, pushing for Prime minister and it is what is happening in Sagamu that is doing her. It is like this one has no sense, as we say on the streets.

With the myriad of problems facing the UK, it is the pit latrine at FGC in Sagamu that is disturbing her. She has talked so much that our own Chief Fani-Kayode has decided to take her on, and you will start to see fire for fire because Chief Fani-Kayode is really up to the task.

For me, I have tried to ignore her, but find it extremely difficult to. The Nigerians that she keeps vilifying have no real voting bloc to help or not help her in the UK elections – those ones are there cleaning toilets, working three jobs and eating fish and chips to keep body and soul together, and this one is here abusing them up and down.

Even Nigeria, the country with such a diminished international posturing, is of no use to her, abi she cannot see that our last two presidents used to come to the UK with a night bus to sneak into a clinic to check their blood pressure. When last did a sitting Nigerian President visit Buckingham Palace or Number 10?

So, this fixation with Nigeria is really beating my imagination here o. Mbok, “Kemo” focus and stop trying to be a bully. We already know our problems and we are ok with them, so don’t come and remind us. We are ok with our problems. When we are ready, we will face them. Oya, face your own and carry that your mumu gap tooth and go somewhere else abeg. Thank you.

VDM, Iyabo Ojo as Irritants of the Year

If there were any award of this nature, these two would win it. I don’t even know what they are fighting and shaking themselves about. Today, VDM will distract us with rants about her. Tomorrow, she will respond, and they are both not ashamed at the cat-calling they have been giving themselves as adults, distracting police, army, the senate and Shettima.

Please, whatever their grouse is, let them just go and sit down abeg. Nigerians have too many problems to be disturbed by a young man who looks like he has not taken a good bath in months, and a woman who looks very, not clean, with all those layers of annoying make-up. Both should just go and sit down. Thank you.