Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Herbert Wigwe: A Sad, True Story 

The media has been awash with this truly sad story. Apparently, we have seen reports alleging that our brother’s other family – father, son and the rest may have taken the other side – daughter, cousin and business partner to court seeking control of the vast asset left behind by the iconic banker.

This whole thing reminds me of when my uncle passed. My mother moved in and took control of his motorcycle, the only asset left behind by her brother.

I was ashamed of my mother and told her my mind very succinctly. It is that kind of shame that I am feeling at the moment. The bare truth, if we remove all the complexities that the lawyers and Nigerians will wrap around this very simple matter, is the idiocy that comes with me fighting my niece over my brothers’ assets.

This for me is just shameful and tactless. You may call it anything you want to call it in law, it is just the height of cowardly weakness. When it is not a collective heritage as in wealth left by a father with all siblings fighting over it. This is a brother and his siblings going after his daughter, pushing a 90-year-old dad to gain some level of credibility.

This is what in Akwa Ibom, we exclaim  “Nsa Ami,” meaning God forbid. May God never put us in this kind of shameful position.

This is why I hustle night and day, risk my health and work like a horse so that I would find the fulfilment in the bowl of garri that I can afford and not look towards anybody’s wealth to water for me.

So, this person is saying that without his brother’s wealth, he cannot cater for his father? God forbid. Kai.     

Aigboje Aig–Imoukhuede: A Dilemma, Loyalty and Sufferings

I have spoken to Aigboje like five times in the last three months and you can tell that his heart is weary. He seems to have been thrown into a whirlpool that he would rather not be involved in.

But how does he extricate himself when he owes his “brother” an unending loyalty? His friendship and association with Herbert have been well curated and reported. Together, they trudged and built one of the most enduring institutions out of Africa, creating a bond that tied them till death took the other.

In keeping faith with his “brother,” he vowed to secure his legacy, take care of his children and generally just continue to uphold the virtues that made their partnership a powerful one.

Today, his name is dragged in every conceivable mud by those who have a mercurial sense of entitlement. He is being dragged from one court to the other, slandered in the media and even in not so hushed tones accused of having a hand… all just to have a part of the vast wealth left behind.

I pity him in this dilemma o. The question that I am very sure would be playing on his mind would be ‘why?’  And he would not find answers because the heart of man is deliberately sad and wicked.

All I can tell him at this point is to keep faith because Herbert would have done the same. Take the tomato pelting, take the mud racking, take the slander and keep standing by your true “brother” because My Lord, blood is not always thicker than water. You inspire me.

Bianca Ojukwu: A Mouth-opening Experience

My people, the Honourable Minister of State for Foreign Affairs should be a tourist attraction. I swear, we should brand her and position her for people who understand beauty to be flying all over the world to come and take pictures with her, I swear.

That was how I found myself in her office the other day. Immediately, she walked up to me, I froze. My people, I froze o. I was just staring with spittle drooling out of my mouth. Oh my God, is it possible for a human being to carry such beauty?

As she sat down and crossed her legs, I was still gaping like a muppet, and then she opened her mouth to speak. Oh my God, there was depth there. I swear it is not humanly possible to be adorned by such eternal beauty and now come and be brilliant on top.

Edgar, it is not easy to transition from beauty pageants to leadership where you are being taken seriously by the people. She took me in about 10 minutes through her trajectory -from education, her foray into beauty pageants, her global travels, international speaking engagements and leadership incursion, all culminating on this present appointment, where I hear she is really carrying out her assignments not only with panache but with incredible depth.

My people, by the time the meeting was over, I asked for a picture and she laughed and said “Edgar, no. When you finish with the assignment, we will take pictures.” Now, how will Shomolu people now believe that I met her. Mbok, this Bianca Ojukwu is a “mammy water” o. Kai.

Mojisola Meranda: Tears of a Video Vixen

I know that my editor will be wondering which one is “video vixen” again in this matter o. Kai! But as I watched the Speaker of the Lagos State House of Assembly sit on her high seat wiping tears from her eyes as her members voted for her, I was touched.

I looked for something very catchy to label this piece and did not see anything, so I just called it Video Vixen. Mbok, when people have been pushed too far, what you get is what is happening at the Lagos Assembly.

The so-called elected members who cannot even eat amala without outside forces telling them how to eat it, is what na?

It gets to a point that they will say – what is it na? and this is what has happened in the assembly.

Mbok, one man turned to Pharaoh for 10 years backed by very strong powers of the “agbado” variant, and the people now finally say “it’s enough.” The next thing is chaos, chambers desecrated amongst other inanities. Mbok, e reach to cry and my sister cried.

Her tears were tears for the country, tears in respect of the courage of her colleagues and tears of the realisation that she can be this loved. My sister, as you wipe your tears, I wish you well. We are still crying o, our redemption is still very far. We are still crying and we will cry for a very long time, I tell you.

Christopher Musa: I really Don’t Know What to Say

They say they refused oga and some members of his team visa entry to Canada and the other oga screamed “I really wish it was that simple to just say “common get away” like my brother “Buju” used to say to us in Shomolu those days when he was upset about something.

This refusal carries a lot of implications that it cannot just be waived aside with “go to hell.” We should not go to hell but dig very deeply at why such an affront was meted out to Nigeria by Canada.

This issue comes at us at three major levels: the level of General Musa himself. Is there anything about him professionally or personally that may have warranted this attack? We must look very thoroughly into this aspect. Secondly, what diplomatic ties do we have because even if General Musa was an “aboki” security man, those diplomatic bilateral agreements should have sufficed to give him joy. So, we must as a matter of urgency really carry out an audit of our diplomatic relations with this country with a view to sending a strongly worded statement of our displeasure at this occurrence.

Thirdly, we must also ask ourselves the implications of this on our global standing as a country that is being taken very seriously by the international community.

So, my people, this is not a “go to hell” matter but a matter that should be taken very seriously by authorities because this was not a slap on General Musa but a collective slap on all 200 million of us. Rubbish.

The Babangida Book Launch Show

I got my bona fide invite from Hajia Lami Tumaka and landed Abuja with my latest jalabia.

I woke up early and wrote this column cos Editor used to spark if I don’t submit early.

That’s how I finished writing and slept off. By the time, I got to the Congress Hall of the Transcorp Hilton venue of the launch the whole place was locked up.

As I could not enter na, I decided to observe activities outside.

My people, the kinds of armed people that I saw and counted ehn, I come dey wonder why we still have insurgency.

These people were more than 5,000 and in different uniforms, armed with different gadgets and displaying different kinds of weapons of mass destruction.

I even saw a platoon of only women all armed to the teeth complete with knee caps and huge guns bigger than them.

These our leaders are not joking o. They must really be attuned to self-preservation for them to be moving like this almost on a daily.

If you now look at the economics of VIP movement and security, you will cry for Nigeria, I tell you.

The battalion I saw there all representing different arms of our uniformed forces, if sent to Ukraine would really give the Russians a run for their weapons and ammunition but instead, they were all left outside under the sun lazying around, drinking pure water and munching on ‘guguru’ and epa while waiting for their principals.

A beautiful way to waste resources I tell you. Nigeria, we hail thee.

Nasir El-Rufai: It’s Not Funny at All

I don’t know how old the clip is but it recently just started circulating again. In the clip, the embattled former governor of Kaduna State, who is facing various allegations bordering on executive recklessness of a financial nature, went on a podium to say that in his country, if you are fraudulent -my word- you become the Governor of Delta State.

The statement elicited laughter and even me, I laughed, but on second thoughts, that was truly unfair to the good people of Delta State and to the people who have governed them.

Why he singled out Delta for that hit befuddles me. Yes, Delta has had its own share of “Governors” if you know what I mean, but it does not in any way stand out as the greatest state that produces those kinds of governors to the point where it is now receiving international accolade by no lesser a personality than the diminutive Nasir El-Rufai.

People like this who cannot take yabis, know how to dish it. This is one of the ironies of life. We all know how he chased critics when he was in power but today, he is using his tongue anyhow.

Well, don’t let me carry Delta fight too much, I am sure they have enough people there that will and can tackle the Mallam should they feel sufficiently irritated. Let me face my front, when the yabis reach Akwa Ibom, we will know how to respond but for now, let us leave this matter with the yabis Chief Obasanjo gave him when he released that his controversial book. You don’t know the yabis? Google is your friend abeg, leave me.

Let Charles Soludo Breathe, Please

My brother has been in the news very recently. It is either they are saying that he is fighting all the native doctors in his state or that he is chasing people with dreadlocks or he is asking his people to lift the skirts of his women to see if they are complying with the policy of wearing panties at all times.

Thankfully, I have seen a report from his office rubbishing all of these and claiming that the government of Chukwuma Soludo respects human rights and as such would not be part of this.

I hear the whole thing started when an arm of his government made the announcement that they will now start arresting women who go around without “pant and bra”. Then it was followed up with the dreadlock own which concerned me very personally. You all know that I carry dreadlocks and I immediately issued a cartoon depicting me and the governor drinking tea and me asking him “wetin I do you bros?”

Thankfully, this whole thing has been called to order but should in case they want to bring it up again, then I can offer my services. I am an expert in the careful art of knowing if a woman is wearing pants or not. The bra own is very easy as an elementary school student can see that one from afar. That one is also another thing that even the blind can see. But the pant own, it takes a career expert and someone that has been in the field for years to decipher. From the panty liners, the rumbling as they walk…. Make I just keep my professional secrets till I am appointed. Please Governor Soludo, where can I submit my application and CV?

Greg Uanseru: Do Accept My Condolences

Let me quickly send my condolences to my big brother Greg Uansero on the loss of his delectable wife, Aniema. The news of her passing at such a young age has gone ahead to rattle the Lagos social establishment. Greg is so well loved within the circles and his generosity and business acumen knows no bounds.

His love for his wife also knows no boundaries as a visit to his house will show you. Pictures of his wife adorn the living room and he will take you out to the garage and show you two Rolls Royce parked outside and he will say “these are for my wife.”

When I heard the news, I reached out and he was sounding strong but you could tell he was hit. It’s not easy to lose a spouse, especially one like Aniema whose beauty and warmth radiated in his home.

I wish him God’s strength as it is not easy to lose a spouse, I tell you. Stay strong my brother.