Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

Bianca Ojukwu: A Queen, Diplomat, an Enigma

Mbok, let me open my column this week with an ode to this wonderful Nigerian. During her last Senate confirmation hearing, her beauty and elegance distracted the senators to the point that even the Senate President had to ask if her beauty was in her résumé.

Bianca has continued to enthrall Nigerians with her ethereal beauty to the point that it’s almost impossible to talk very seriously about her without being distracted by what seems to be an immortal journey in beauty.

Let me kuku confess: I have always had a crush even when the famous warlord was still alive and in total control. I would be staring at her pictures and doing things in my head. She is such an elegant queen that never loses her composure, even when she gave the slap, she did it with so much panache.

She stood up, walked elegantly towards the target, took her time and landed a resounding slap without breaking her nails, and walked back with the same elegance to her seat and to the applause of the people, including me here in Shomolu.

Today she has been appointed  junior Minister in the Foreign Affairs Ministry as a major testament to the rarity of her being – beauty and brains. They hardly come together in one person. Usually, you are either very beautiful and a “mumu” or extremely brilliant and beauty challenged but God really cheated with Bianca, taking his time to mold such an eternal beauty and them come put sense inside the head. It is no wonder Chief Ojukwu was distracted and instead of telling us things about the war, he told us “because I am involved” and na poems to Bianca we see.

Mbok, I just felt like serenading our new Minister for all she stands for and for her beauty and being an inspiration to not only our women folk but to people like me wey no dey see fine woman. Well done ma.

Emir Sanusi: Return of the Mack

Oga only took a very brief sabbatical from “fight.” He has resumed fully with his latest tirade. “I will not help this government,” he screams at a public function. Yes, there must be reforms but they “no sabi spell reform, talkless of doing reforms,” he averred. For his efforts, the government replied, “my brother, mbok keep your help inside your turban, we no need am.”

Kai, me I like this government for one thing sha, they must reply your ‘eff’ up. Not for them is the silence that is expected to greet some things. They are experts in guerrilla communications and take delight in the gutter roforofo that is part of their DNA.

The Emir on his own is quoted as saying I no want help una. You no ignore, you continue to ask questions on why inflation rate is still going up despite the president’s assurances that he will bring it down to 15%.

It is to be writing long letter almost two pages in response to Emir “wey no get real wahala.”

Emir Sanusi just won his appeal securing his office and since he really does love the limelight, jumps into this one trying to stoke some controversies. Truth is that if you don’t want to “help,” why announce am na? It is basically you shouting “Guys, I am here o, make una no forget me o.”

My dear Highness, we see you, we can never forget you. How have you been? Hope everything is calm now? We see you bro, well done and how is the family? Kindly greet them for me. God bless you. Thank you.

Semiu Adeniran: Of Prostitutes and GDP

This bro is funny o. It’s one thing after another. Just as we were getting over the furore of his “trillions ransome” reports, he drops another one.

We have seen reports saying that in their attempt at rebasing the GDP, they want to add prostitution and may be drug trafficking as part of the computation. Their excuse being scale, that the sex industry has grown so much that it is a mortal sin not to include it.

My people, when I heard this one, I just shook my head and asked, where did they go and find this one to make head of our NBS? Prostitution? Mbok, if we are adding that one let’s kuku add yahoo, yahoo and ritual killings too. They too have scale and they too generate so much revenues you cannot imagine. They say prostitution impacts real estate, pharmaceuticals, fashion and entertainment etc, and I say “yahoo yahoo” also impacts even more. It impacts fintech, technology, telecoms and much more. So my brother, quickly add them too.

Imagine the NDLEA apprehending a drug trafficker at the airport and that one looks them squarely in the face and says, “Look, I am contributing to the GDP, I should be treated with more respect.”

In fact the NBS should not only stop at adding them, they should put their Oga’s numbers at all airports on a sign that says ‘Please call this number in case of any issue with the NDLEA.’

See, what has happened is very obvious. Daddy has said the GDP must rise by a certain percentage and bros at the NBS have seen that growth will not come from normal sectors and have just gotten a brain wave, why not add prostitution and drugs, and voila we achieve the target and they will justify it by saying that well, UK have been doing it for 10 years, forgetting the strength of their institutions and the turgidity of their data gathering and sifting capabilities.

Let me even ask Bro Semiu, who is a prostitute? Which woman will agree that they are prostitutes and which wan will agree that they are buying sex, talk less of going to register and collect ID cards to identify as one.

Mbok, if you no sabi the work, you can go and join Obasa supporters inside Black Maria and be singing “On your mandate we stand.” That will be a better contribution. Kai.

Seyi Makinde: The Alaafin and Tales By Moonlight

I don’t want to talk too much before they now come and say what concerns you. Shebi you are from Akwa Ibom who lives in Shomolu. What is your own? Even if we carry Fadeyi Oloro or Portable and make our Alaafin. Is it your business?

But let’s not be angry with me, let me just ask your governor one small question. Mbok, Sir, the Oyo Mesi that we know is the ones with the traditional authority to recommend these things and they have spoken and only you was reported to disagree with their decision and went ahead to get an independent Ifa priest that although is an Oyo man but not in the Oyo Mesi to ask his own Ifa who now recommends another person that you now appointed.

My brother, I am not sure who is older between us so I will hold back from calling you egbon. This thing you have done, if it is true that this is the way you did it, it is “smelly”.

Ifa is a deity with powers, he can fight his own battles like his colleagues. So, if the Oyo Mesi desires to do the Nigerian thing, my advice is to stand clear and watch Ifa do his thing.

We have seen things o. Abi didn’t you read the “Gods Are Not to Blame?” When Adewale climbed the throne with “mago mago,” didn’t you see pestilence everywhere until Ifa was consulted and they told him that he had killed his father and married his mother?

This one, me I no gree o. I stand with the Oyo Mesi and if it is true that they were compromised, you can do the needful legally since they are not spirits and can be prosecuted, but this one-man show is standing tradition on its head and as such, I will not support it.

Like I have said earlier, what is even my business sef? Don’t vex before your aides come and do me what the federal government has done to Emir Sanusi, and be asking me “what concerns you?” Sorry, that I put mouth. Pele.

Abike Dabiri: Wrong Move, Madam

Sorry to call you out Madam but as we all know that anything Diaspora comes to you, I have to call you out on this one. It seems that because one socialite has seen the reports making rounds on social media about the billions we generated from “detty december”, he has advocated for a tax of about $500 to be imposed on all diasporans coming in in December.

Look madam, it is true we need all the money we can get but this is so so wrong. So, I should pay to come back to my country? Does that even make sense? I should now pay a tax because I want to come and visit my family.

Is it every person coming back to Nigeria in December that is coming back to rush to the Sodom and Gomorrah that Lagos turns to in December?

Mbok, some ideas can be very repugnant in its constitution. The taxes those institutions are meant to pay, if duly collected and enforced would be more than enough to pay free education for all Nigerian children.

You know we like “mago mago” as a people and “wuru wuru” to the answer. So just because we cannot enforce tax compliance, we now rush to the airport to open another revenue stream for immigration officers.

This is what we call chicken–brained thinking and na people who drink paranga at Onipanu bus stop that used to think like this. Na wa.

Kola Adeshina: A Befitting Garland

This my egbon will not cease to amaze and inspire. From chairing one of the biggest players in the insurance industry – Axa Mansard – to being a director in another giant conglomerate whose activities span power, oil and gas exploration and the rest, to being appointed into the highly revered Presidential Committee on something which has as other members giants like Tony Elumelu, Aliko Dangote and other  juggernauts.

It is no wonder at his last birthday celebrations marking his 60th that the whole galaxy of stars came out for him. From Chief Obasanjo, to the highly revered Olu of Warri to President Jonathan and many more, the who-is-who dropped stuff to celebrate with Mr Adeshina.

As if that was not enough, his alma mater and also mine, the University of Lagos have just announced that they will be giving him an honorary doctorate degree this time.

Kola more than deserves this honour especially if you take into consideration his contribution to mentorship. Na that one I want to talk about. His contributions remain quite historic. So many young business promoters have passed through his tutelage and he remains ever so eager to support and encourage and even finance, hence the very reverence of this honour. Truly well deserved. Congrats our most cherished egbon.

Ken Etete: A Soothing Balm

A lot of you don’t know Ken Etete and may not even have heard of him. He prefers it that way. Ken is the Group Managing Director of Century Group. Century is a major infrastructure provider in the energy industry.

Now for those of you who know Ken and what he represents in the industry, it’s for you to read this and reach out to him and say well done.

Ken owns one or is it two of the three – not sure – FPSO’s on the continent. His activities make the drilling, storage and distribution of crude a dream. Through thick and thin, Ken keeps providing this service to the industry and by extension, contributes significantly to the financial health of the country.

I want to say a huge thank you to him this morning for reasons that I cannot mention just yet but like I have said, to those who know, will understand why I am sticking out my neck at this point to say well done bro.

Keep standing and when the storm is over, we will see you. You are a man and men like you are very hard to come by.

Kai, headache wan kill me for this ken writeup as I am writing with carefully chosen words but Ken’s loyalty and hard work in the face of a huge storm and various storms he has had to weather, must be commended at this time and not when it is all over. Well done bro.

Murtala Dandashire: A Sad Turn

This young doctor has just lost his life. Kai! They say terrorists invaded his hospital, killed him amongst others, and carted the rest away. I hear that this seems to be the new turn of events where these bastards move into hospitals in Katsina State to cause mayhem.

It is easy to jump and blame the government but once in a while, we can also just dimension the issue. Nigeria is such a huge country with wide landmass. We have a finite number of men in uniform and the insurgency is almost invisible in some cases, so I understand the challenges.

But that said, more efforts must be put in fighting this. This young doctor just died needlessly.

A hero in our books and I pray that his family find solace in the fact that he died for us. God, help us oooo this is really too much. Kai.