Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR

President Bola Tinubu: An Influential Skit Maker

It was just this last weekend that my brother Demola Oshodi called. Demola is a special adviser or is it assistant to the President on something? You know in that cadre, dem reach 1,000 and as such, I cannot remember his actual portfolio.

But his message was simple and straightforward: “Duke, Baba is doing well. He is taking decisions no other Nigerian leader would have and they are beginning to bear fruit.”

I was very reluctant in agreeing with him even though truly, we have started seeing some small progress. The naira is gaining strength, subsidy is gone and the attendant competition is bringing down the price although in trickles. It sha is coming down. GDP has beaten expectations and insecurity is also going down as figures recently released show a marginal decrease.

 These must have given Demola the confidence to come into my den, to attempt a conversion.

Well, my brother, I agree with you to a small extent that things are beginning to look up, but more work still has to be done. National debt is in the trillions and growing. I hear the budget deficit will be funded by over N15 trillion debt, inflation has crossed the 36% mark, food inflation running mad and cost of living astronomical.

So, as you can see, we just start. More work has to be done before we can relax and say ok, Baba has tried.

Meanwhile, in the event of a failure to come back in 2027, Baba has shown tremendous talent in another area of human endeavour – skit making.

Did you see his budget presentation where he erroneously called the 10th Assembly, the 11th, and when he was corrected, he simply responded: “you have all been re-elected.” Mad talent right? This would really come handy in case 2027 no work, he can join Nollywood. For now, fingers crossed, not yet uhuru. Thank you.

Muhammadu Buhari: Reflections of a Lucky Man

This is the luckiest of us all. I really don’t know why God chose to bless him so. Governor, GOC, Minister of Petroleum, member, Supreme Military Council, Head of State and two-term president. God just chose a “wanchoro” – if you want to know the meaning of the word, call me midnight December 31st and I will tell you – and bestowed him with all of these blessings and it’s in the Bible o- the race is not for the swiftest.

This definitely was not the swiftest or the brainiest. Fate chose him to travel a road even the best of this world would not ever dare and what did he do with it?

The jury is out there, but his handlers – Femi Adesina and Garba Shehu will not let us rest. They have continued to pump air into the man’s achievements the way Viagra pumps blood into a flaccid penis, but unlike Viagra, this penis has refused to go up.

No matter their efforts, Buhari will never stand erect in our eyes. He will always be in the cornerstone of our “wobbly and dumbly” leadership. A forgettable eight years that did no good whatsoever to the nation while forming a benchmark for flatulence in leadership.

As I watched him stagger out of his inner room to a croaky rendition of ‘Happy birthday’ by a motley crew of pathetic sycophants who have all shifted loyalty to the latest emperor, I ask myself – how is it possible to have done so little despite all the goodluck fate bestowed on one person.

Mbok, let me keep quiet before someone comes to beat me. Happy birthday Daddy. Na wa.

King Sunny Ade: A Legend of Our Time

Have you ever stopped to wonder at the two things that have made this man a legend – crossover appeal and longevity.

He sings majorly in his native Yoruba but has fans globally. He even has notched a Grammy nomination amongst other such global recognitions.

His music remains evergreen, capturing the attention of different generations. You should see the “crazy” Gen Zs who see nothing good in our generation waltz to the scintillating songs of King Sunny Ade.

The man is more than a legend, humble and continually engaging. As a child, I used to run to a music store located at the famous Adebiyi street in Shomolu to go and listen to his Synchro System.

His ‘ma fo wo ko be ye’ used to kill me as it used to sexually arouse me. I will be thinking of the waist lines of those stupendously sexy Yoruba women as they waltz to the beats and the waist beads that touch on it.

Mennnnnn, thus KSA as he is fondly called, is an institution. A pillar of our socio-cultural milieu.

We will not worship him now ooo. Now that he is still alive and doing well, we will not hail him o, for he is truly quite remarkable. A god.

Ambrose Aworu: Snake in a Monkey Shadow

This baba in frustration, just rushed to the Supreme Court to lay the most atrocious ever case in Nigerian history. The baba must have stood up from one of his debilitating attempts of getting it up with his young side chick.

The inevitable failure to rise to the occasion must have triggered this hairbrained move at President Tinubu at the Supreme Court.

Thankfully and rightfully so, the Supreme Court threw out his prayers and even fined him. Now the money he would have spent on Viagra and other blood pressure drugs, he will gather to pay the fine.

The frivolousness of the suit was not only laughable but appeared idiotic. Tinubu truly deserves a credible opposition seeing that he lacks national cohesive followership going by the way he emerged, but not this type of “guguru and epa” suit from a man who seems not only to have lost his dentures but also may have misplaced his reading glasses in between the legs of the whore who gave him the idea.

Mbok, second base, as Fela Kuti would say it. Na wa.

Tobi Adegboyega: Portable in Gucci

 Portable is the stinkingly annoying musician who paints his hair in different colours and looks like he has not taken a bath in years and with broken teeth everywhere.

This pastor is another Portable but this time in Gucci clothes. The thinking, the roguish approach to issues, norms and controversies just throws up extreme positions of the Nigerian society.

Both barely literate, both extremely wealthy, both loud, both with huge followerships and influence but both with seemingly no real claim to common sense.

We have seen reports of a tribunal indicting the pastor for fraud and a possible deportation order and what do we get in response, continued partying with afrobeats musicians, showing off of clothes, cars and gibberish in carefully curated press releases.

In response to the report, pastor is quoted to have said – there is nothing to worry about, that Nigerians should be proud of him and all sorts. Another report also quoted him to have said that he must have “lost track of time” in response to a query of how come he had not regularised his papers all of these years since entering the UK on a six-month tourist visa.

My people, on the other spectrum is the Portable screaming on social media how he had a “twosome” with the former wife of the Alaafin. Such stupidity has never been recorded in Yoruba history, making a well-respected scholar to come out to remind us that the Yoruba kings are deities and as such you can’t sleep with their wives, no matter the status – still married or not.

But this nuthead not only desecrated that rule and has come out in graphic detail to tell us what he did and how he did it, not worried about its implications to the culture and traditions of the people.

These two are Yoruba contributions to popular culture that we do not accept. Kindly withdraw them from our faces and throw better models at us. You still have Asa, Fathia Balogun, Anthony Joshua and many more, not these ones. And while we are still at it, can you guys remind that Kemi to change her name. Na wa.

Gov Ademola Adeleke: The Robber and His Chicken

The headlines were sensational. Ohhh he was sentenced to death for stealing a fowl. Some media outlets in mischief shared the pictures of the person side by side that of the former Governor Yahaya Bello who is accused of taking about N80billion from his state coffers and was recently granted bail.

Before you could spell the word ‘viral,’ the thing was everywhere and an under pressure Gov. Adeleke had to come out to ask his people to look into the matter with a view to offering the man clemency.

But just as the hoopla was dying down, another top lawyer came out to say that the man did not just rob a fowl but was a hardened criminal with a strong pedigree in the space. He went on to tell us that the man was duly convicted by a properly constituted authority which was very responsible in its approach to the matter reaching its verdict from confessions, eyewitness accounts and also through hard evidence.

So now the governor is in a dilemma because from the lawyers’ submission and facts that we have seen, the man was not a chicken robber, he was much more than that.

But then again, he has been in an awaiting execution cell for over 10 years and that is the most traumatic anybody can go through, even a hardened criminal. Not knowing if the next day will be the last and for all of those years is even worse than death in itself.

For these, I will support clemency. Governor you may go ahead and give him reprieve for he has died a thousand and more times than the death from hanging that was his punishment.

Do I support capital punishment? I am now really confused on this matter and as such, let me pass on this one. Thank you.

Aliko Dangote: Way to Go

Have you heard? The Dangote people have reduced fuel to N899. I want to believe this is the second time this is happening in a month. But let me state this very quickly, all grace and glory should go to Baba Tinubu, because when he said subsidy was gone that hot afternoon, all of you abused him o.

Me, I did not abuse him o. I was just keeping quiet and looking at all of you. Even when he fell from the jeep during the parade and almost broke the remaining three teeth he has, you people laughed and said:  Our head don catch am, shebi he remove subsidy see price of fuel now.

My people, Dangote has thrown up the gauntlet, he is refining, exporting and distributing, he is even offering credit – where on earth in Nigeria can you buy fuel on credit? It’s like going to a prostitute in the famous hotel at Onipanu to ask for credit, but that is what Dangote has done.

So, we have moved from long queues to exporting to credit all in our lifetime, the way we did it in cement.

Well done Alhaji, shebi when they were fighting you and you threatened to run away, didn’t I tell you to calm down? All I asked that you do was to run around stark naked in your backyard with six candles in each hand shouting ‘Kyari’ 42 times and pouring the wax on his picture, and everything will be ok.

Now that you are comfortable, you will not remember me, your emergency woli. Mbok, while we are still on it, can we try to push the price to like N600 by February next year? That one, we will give you 36 virgins from each state with an offer of support from me in case you have no stamina from your side. Well done sir.

Burna Boy vs Speed Darlignton: A Baby Oil Controversy

Mbok, can the Chief Justice of the Federation answer this question once and for all – is defamation criminal or not? I am asking the question because the ambiguity is leading to wahala o.

As I write, Dele, my brother is about to celebrate his 20th day in prison and another Nigerian, Speed, has done three weeks complete with — I am sure — many more less high profiled going through the same mess. I also only escaped with the skin of my teeth.

Speed is being held under the same criminal defamatory matter after making some very cringe worthy allegations against superstar Burna Boy. He was first arrested, released on bail and charged to court but he came out again and repeated the same statements and went ahead to release a song on the matter.

Today we have two Nigerians in the slammer on the matter – one wrote a book, the other sang a song. So, my lordship, I don’t know what they call female justices before I go and defame my own now. Please ma, is defamation criminal or not because it’s looking like lawyers are also confused. Thank you as you help with the clarifications. Thank you.

Seyi Makinde: My Condolences

As I was about to close down this column, the news of the Oyo State stampede hit me. Someone had organised a give away for Christmas for kids and in this present economic situation, freebie is not what you joke with.

Thousands rushed the venue and before you know it, a stampede and death. Reports show that a lot of children lost their lives, prompting the state government to move in to secure the place and take the organisers into custody.

This brings the issue of safety into these things. Large events are being organised without safety procedures or even first aid capacity in place, let alone security.

What we see are usually bouncers who only know how to eat amala and grow muscles and who stand there and beg for money.

This is a very sad occurrence and I do extend my condolences to the families and to the State as a whole. Oyo have suffered sha; from the explosions to these ones. So sorry my brothers.

Adeniran Adeyemi:  Statistician General, I Disagree

Normally these people are dour and boring. They will be wearing funny suits with open soles but this one na dramatist.

He recently caused to submit a report that has scattered everywhere. They said in that report that Nigerians have paid kidnappers and bandits over a whopping N2.23trillion as ransom in 12 months between May 2023 and April 2024. He even went further to break it down to an average of N2million ransom per household victim.

The report went on to say that there were about 51million crime incidences and that the North-west with 14million incidences came tops followed by North-central at 8million.

 Now see my issue and I am sure the issue with every right thinking person This kind of report if authentic should be as confidential as the security reports the President receives. This kind of money being generated in the industry can trigger more people into the ‘business. It can also throw up the economy as a very unstable one driving away genuine investors both local and foreign. Lastly, it can destabilise the government.

This Statistician General did not behave very well by releasing such a sensitive report to the public just like that.

My main issue again is how they arrived at the figures because we don’t think that kidnappers or their victims make monthly reports to the NBS on cash flows.

Abi is the NBS regulator of the space, receiving monthly reports the way the CBN receives reports from banks they regulate? If the NBS does not receive adequate reports from the field, then how come they are talking in absolutes

I can understand the crime reports because that could be gotten from police reports but cash flows?

If the NBS cannot show us a concise methodology of how they arrived at these alarming figures, the place should be ransacked and this person sacked and more serious people be put in place. Imagine, sitting down in your office and drinking pure water and conjuring figures from the sky like say we are mumu.

Show us the receipt kidnappers issued to the family of Major-General Richard Duru (rtd) who almost two years now, we still haven’t found or heard from him.

For Anchor Insurance, It Was a Bomb

My God, that was a befitting end of the year party. After such a wonderful financial year where they beat all projections, it was no wonder that the Managing Director, the handsome Austin Ebose led the team to a wondrous end of year thank you party. Patoranking was on the stand, Gordons provided comedy and the DJ was mad. I did not know when I took to the floor to show my stuff.

Well done guys.