I am a peaceful man o. In fact, should they ever be looking for just anybody from Nigeria to sha gift the Nobel prize for peace, na me go win am hands down. Anyway, that was how, when Seun Kuti decided to go and slap a policeman – one in a series according to another video we have seen- causing national outrage, I decided to look at it from another angle.
But first, this Seun’s slap has united Nigerians in a very funny way. Normally it used to be football, but this slap has made us forget our differences as every Nigerian regardless of tribe, religion and sexual perversion have come out in unison to condemn the thing. It was bad. Kai! This Seun no try. It was as if he was possessed. Maybe the policeman remind am of one of the soldiers that burnt down his father’s Kalakuta Republic. The rage was category 5, he almost added his wife as target. Kai!
Anyway, that was how I put my thinking cap on. As Nigerians were vilifying him, I started tracing it from his grandmother, straight to his father and linked it to this one and described it as a ‘long lineage of disrespect of constituted authority, hiding under the mask of activism.’
My people, I broadcast this my article to 10,000 people on Whatsapp. Before I could settle down and enjoy my prostate cancer test which came out negative, the abuse started coming in o. These people forgot that I am a man of peace. They abused me o. The sad thing about Nigerians is that we are all sadists. As the abuse was pouring in, some wicked people were forwarding to me ‘innocently’. “Edgar, have you seen this?” they would say as they pushed the bile towards me.
I don’t like it when people yab me and that is why I don’t yab people. I used to mind my business abi? Do I yab people? So I didn’t understand why people were raining curses on me simply because I was trying to piece together the humiliation of an oba by the grandmother, the many roforofo fights between the father and authority including the infamous racking at Ojuelegba which directly led to the sad and unfortunate burning of the Kalakuta Republic o. Please my people, what did I do wrong? Is it not research?
Come and see the abuse, you will pity me. In all of the abuse, two stood out – Segun Adefila, actor, dancer and creditor and one Abdul Okwechime. Segun’s own is understandable because I dey owe am. Since we do Ladi Kwali, sponsors have started to become funny. I have not been able to pay Segun. So I understand his frustration. He called me names o, he said, I no reach Fela fingernails, that how many women can I ……. in a day. That Fela was doing 20 and see me abusing Fela. You see, when I have Segun’s time, I will carry cameraman to his house in Bariga, drag him to the pedestrian bridge at Onipanu and slap the hell out of him and send the clip to Guinness Book of World Record for entry as the first Ibibio man to slap a ‘dada’ Yoruba man.
The one that hurt me the most was Abdul Okwechime. First with the combined Hausa and Igbo name, I thought he was a social media ‘meme’ until people now told me that he was a respected journalist o. This man in his essay titled ‘The Duke and His Tale by Moonlight’ finished me. Kai! I will not say what he wrote here o so that I will not be pushing it, but the man finished me and sadly the thing went viral.
As I entered one slay queen house to try myself, na the essay she showed me. Kai! This Okwechime person use English to deconstruct me. Please I am looking for him o. Anybody that knows of his whereabouts should immediately contact the Police PRO so that he can help me with his mug shots – both side and front.
Kai, bro Okwechime, na wa for you o. No dey yab brother like that because of a small article o, you just use english slap me all over the place. Na wa.