Loud Whispers With Joseph Edgar

Andy Uba: The Demystification of a Red Cap Chief

As I dey watch the Anambra governorship debate, I saw Soludo ‘beating’ up a whole Andy Uba. I weak. I saw Andy standing there like a scarecrow, tongue-tied and looking like an Egyptian mummy as Soludo rained verbal slaps on him.
This Soludo is wicked o. My brother and candidate Valentine, just respect himself and stand clear. All Andy could say was, ‘no be me give you job? No be me make you CBN Governor? Kai, he should have not gone that route cos that incensed Soludo the more, he had tasted blood.

You know how Chinese actor dey vex, when you don let am taste him blood. He will shout and give you 600 blows per second. Even after you have died, he will still be releasing volleys and be screaming – you killed my fatherrrrrrrrrrrr! That is what happened that day.
Soludo land blows on my high chief, who just stood there looking like an APC chicken without the broom. “Which certificate do you hold?” he started. Which certificate do you hold o? I cannot remember the answer cos by this time, I don fall for ground in laughter holding my bele. See our leaders o, common debate them no fit o. See leader o.
Then Soludo completed the route by reeling out his gargantuan credentials – I have served three presidents, I have consulted for over 50 international organisations, I have a PhD in… I have masters in… I won the most progressive CBN Governor in the world three times…

Mbok, by this time, handy Andy was just standing there like those statues his brother Okorocha build for him state and be wishing he was very far from that place not feeling his d..k. kai, that was a route
Sadly, as Nigeria thing dey be, Soludo may just end up with English and the result of that election will not reflect the brilliance of that debate. That is the folly of our nationhood. It is usually not who speak English pass, but who…
Mbok Andy, hope you went for a full body massage after that verbal beating. Laugh wan kill me.

MUHAMMADU BUHARI: GLOBAL CITIZEN OF THE YEAR

You know me, I have always loved this our President for one thing. The man na disciplinarian. He no dey get time for rubbish or trivialities. So I was not surprised at that his statement in faraway Saudi Arabia that those campaigning for tenure extension to desist.

You see, you guys can call Buhari all the names you like, me I will not join you people to be abusing him before he changes his mind. Now that Baba is positioning as Mandela, we will not encourage him now o.
Shey, if we have sense, shouldn’t we start composing songs of his greatness? Shouldn’t we contract Julius Berger to start work on a befitting mansion in Katsina in preparation for his homecoming? Shouldn’t we open a ‘go fund me’ campaign to raise funds to acquire over 500 cattle to make his retirement blissful?

We are still there abusing him up and down. Mbok, my leader, please ignore all these people. Didn’t they abuse Moses after he took them out of Egypt? Which leader in your category didn’t they abuse? Mbok, ignore them for they are a confused and lazy people.
We never know what we have until we lose it. We were blessed by Alhaji Muhammadu Buhari. Is it not a country that is holding Museveni, can’t we see what is happening in Sudan? And we have a leader that has shown very strong capacity to hold us together and respect our constitution and we will be abusing him.

Lord, I am not among them o. I stand by and with you. When the time comes, I will take a leave of absence and come and help you pack, follow you to Daura and ensure that you resettle very comfortably. It has been a long career in public service, you deserve rest.
All I will ask for is that you give me just one of that your slippers. They can fine! Mbok, who dey supply because if I wait for you, you will not give me. Your frugality is legendary. Help me send the number of the person let me go and see if I can work out a lease arrangement. Great guy. Well-done.

UNCLE SONI IRABOR: SHOULD I APOLOGISE?

The other day, I wrote an article about the Pope when they announced that 300,000 people have come out to be sexual victims in France. That was how Uncle Soni Irabor kicked me out of his WhatsApp group.
Now this thing is really paining me for so many reasons. One, we have so many beautiful women in that group. People like Regina Askia whose everlasting beauty continues to amaze me. That is how Uncle Soni just kicked me out just like that with no option of fine or anything like that.

But seriously, let us look at the level of intolerance from some of us. It is scary as I have been kicked out of five WhatsApp groups because of my views. Even the legendary Alibaba has blocked me. So, I come dey wonder why all these petty dictatorship from people who should know better.
So, if they are Buhari now, we have died o. The thing make me come dey look Buhari with another eye of respect. Because if some of these people have the kind of powers he is carrying then, Idia Amin will be child’s play o.

So I wrote a contrarian essay. Admittedly with very far positions and instead of us to debate and engage which is the democratic thing to do, the next thing na block. This is the same as arresting journalists or impinging on human rights that we all rail against.
So, my dear Uncle Soni, a man I love like a father who has thrown his son into the cold, I really beg you to forgive me and bring me back. I miss the women o. If na for the men, no worry leave me out but the babes, their cry for my return is mad.
So, stop this petty dictatorship and bring me back abeg. This is not the Uncle Soni that I know o. Nigerians help me beg am o, na WhatsApp group o, there is no oil bloc there o.

DARK DAY IN IKOYI

The news flash came on my phone – a 21-storey building collapses in Ikoyi. I stood up. Wow, please God let this be fake news. This shouldn’t happen, it cannot happen but it happened.
A 21-storey building billed as a luxury building had collapsed in high-brow Ikoyi, trapping a lot of people and possibly including the promoter.

At times like this we should remain calm, prioritise the need to secure lives and later embark on a disciplined and cursory investigation of what happened with a view to forestalling any future occurrence.
But in our usual manner, everything and everybody is shouting. Blames, accusations and counter-accusations will be flying. The whole thing will be muddled up and after a few days, we move on till the next disaster and we start all over again.

I would like to appeal to His Excellency to ensure that no stone is upturned to get to the bottom of this. The suspension of the oga of the regulators is a very good first step. Your Excellency, you should also use this as a fulcrum to trigger a major reform process of the whole industry end to end.
Do accept my condolences and continued support sir. You are really trying, we all can see. God bless you and the general people of Lagos. This was a huge tragedy and Lagos will stand again.

BUBA MARWA, PLEASE LEAVE TV AND FOCUS

Oga has just announced that he had to bring his television set to the office due to the poor funding of his agency and I say focus Oga.
Is it Big Brother we brought you from retirement to come and be watching? What do you need TV for when drugs are ravaging our youths and fuelling the insurrection? Which kain TV? Mbok, please don’t annoy me this morning.
Your case is like those days when we would carry babes in Shomolu into those seedy joints that used to collect per hour. When we enter, the girl will be asking for TV. I will say, is it TV you came to do here, mbok open make we do wetin we come do here, go watch TV for your papa house.

Marwa mbok, leave TV and focus. Seriously, the agency is grossly underfunded. At just N33m monthly for 10,000 personnel spread all over the country, you will agree with him that this is beggarly.
When you compare with the EFCC at N300m monthly with just 2,800 staff and ICPC at N151m with 800 staff, you will see that Marwa’s hands are really tied.
The drug war has to be strengthened. Drugs are the main enemy in the war against the insurgency. It is also a social epidemic as our youths are mostly victims and this leads to all sorts of socio-economic issues.

Mbok, let’s increase this allocation. Let’s approve the N38b Marwa has asked for. The agency has finally secured vibrant leadership. Marwa has shown a very clear resolve to make things happen and results are beginning to show. Let’s support him.
And you Marwa, if they give you this money, don’t go and carry the thing and be buying television o. I don’t know what you want to watch so badly that you cannot wait till you get home. Kai. Mbok.

OBI CUBANA: A LESSON TOO MANY

The news of the arrest of Mr Cubana did not hit me and some other watchers of his activities with any surprise. In fact, the surprise would have been if nothing like this happened. Such grandeur and ostentatious show of naked wealth would no doubt attract the attention of the authorities and the offences that have been reported being the queries are well up the street in this matter.

Obi Cubana is an influential and well-liked gentleman. His public persona is that of a positive role model to the youths and I must confess that I personally like him.
I follow him on his social media handles and see a shy young man that has been pushed by forces out of his control to be in the public face.
His philanthropy is out of this world as could be attested to by the messages and huge support he received during his now world-famous mother’s burial.

So, this episode with the authorities I think should give him the opportunity to prove to his admirers that truly he really has nothing to hide.
I pray this is not a vindictive move aimed at bringing him down one notch but a move that is borne out of a genuine need to keep the system sane. As is the case with these kinds of things, a lot is being said about these that are quite emotive. This is our sad reality.
All I will say at this point is that his rights must be protected, he must be given all the privileges of a free born Nigerian and must be allowed to defend himself to the very best of his ability and circumstances.
Thank you.

BONU SOLOMON: A CULTURE CZAR

Bonu is the special adviser to His Excellency Mr Babajide Sanwo-Olu on Culture and Tourism. I met him through Makinde Adeniran, the legendary Theatre Director.
Last week, I was in his office to discuss our upcoming play ‘Baba Kekere’ based on the late former Governor of Lagos State, Alhaji Lateef Jakande.
Then I asked Bonu how he entered politics and the story he told me was very touching. From LASU where he lectured in Political Science to Alausa, the story was evocative, touching and engaging. Very humbling, a twist of fate, good luck and hard work.

Today, his strides in the space are very clear for all to see. The events, the culture reawakening and the engagement of the government with practitioners is now so seamless.
Tourism and culture I hear is one of the five points in the government’s agenda for development. It is being seen as a veritable platform for the creation of jobs and infrastructural development in the state.
Spending time with Bonu of Badagry was really an eye-opener. Well-done sir.

AYO FAYOSE: FATHER-IN-LAW OF LIFE

That Mr. Fayose’s speech at his son’s wedding in Lekki recently was Nobel Prize worthy. I am sure the bride and her father would have been cringing as they listened to their new eccentric relation stating openly that “my son will not cheat on you because you have flat tummy and white teeth.”
Mbok, that kind declaration get as e be o. So Madam no afang and fufu for you o, because the moment the tummy starts coming up, you will begin to risk competition.
But can we ask oga, if they can grant a waiver for pregnancy?
Fayose never ceases to amaze. Kai.

OLUMIDE AKPATA: ARISTOCRACY AT THE NBA

Bros na my friend and brother. We met when I was looking for money for my play ‘Emotan’. That time any Bini man was in trouble. I chase them all over the place in a harried bid to raise funds for the production.
Just as I am chasing every Akwa Ibom man now. They are hiding o, but I assure every freeborn Akwa Ibom man in this Lagos that there is no hiding place for them. I will smoke you out and collect the money for ‘Ufok Ibaan’. Trust me.

Anyways, that is how I met Olu. He no give me money but he help open some doors wey no gree open. But we sometimes became friends. We supported his candidature at the NBA because we saw a new breeze blowing into that stuffy place and then he won.
Immediately he won, he resorted to an aristocratic lifestyle. Dey drink tea, issue press statements and generally walking around with fine suit. The man is a fine man and very friendly, I love am to pieces.

But the NBA is not a fashion show at Eko Hotel. It is a serious organ that should be a major weapon in the fight for the protection of the common man. Its main reason for existence should be the protection of the sanctity of the judiciary.
Olu cannot be standing there and they are choking people in the court and they are attacking the Supreme Court Judge’s house and we are issuing press statements and asking to make courtesy calls on the matter

This is not the NBA we were hoping for. We were hoping for the NBA of Alao Aka Bashorun. An activist NBA, an NBA that people will think twice before they try these kinds of things.
The NBA we are seeing today na ‘Aje Butter’ NBA and it is not working. I wrote a very harsh reprimand to my brother on WhatsApp. Guys, my WhatsApp na fire o. This column no hot like that. Even my brother Tope Fasua call to say, “you and Olu dey fight?” I say why. He say “that thing you write was too harsh.”
I say him na DSS wey I go come dey fear? Or him na IPOB wey I go dey carry my head for bag waka? This na Olu o. Worse he go do like Uncle Soni block me for WhatsApp. He no kuku dey take my call.

Truth is that we need a more vibrant NBA. A stronger and more united NBA, not the divided house we are seeing today and Bro Olu you can do it, just immerse yourself.
Your press statements are not punchy enough under the circumstances we find ourselves. E dey be like love letter wey we dey write for university, begging to be taken back after we have been caught cheating.
Please go study the NBA of the IBB and Abacha time and see how NBA dey terrorise known and world acclaimed military despots, talk less of your NBA now wey dey function under one of the greatest democratic leadership Africa has ever produced. Lord, no block me o.