By Rotimi Fawole
In the land of Jirriah, where King Gambrach reigned over the 37 Kingdoms, from the Iron Throne of Boo Jar, there was a division of the King’s Constabulary known as SCARS.
SCARS was an acronym and lo, it stood for Subhuman Constables Against Robbing Sitizens. Yea, it should have been SCARC, as ye well know that ‘citizens’ is spelt with a C. But the King who inaugurated this unelite unit did so in a time of scarcity and did not want to give his detractors the opportunity to say he created both SCARC and scarcity. Yea, was he a cerebral king. But we digress.
SCARS was created as the arm of the constabulary that would defend the people of Jirriah against robbers and bandits. The constables who filled its ranks were those who failed the Humanity and Empathy modules at Constabulary College – by design, so they could deal ruthlessly with the menace of crime. And gaddem, how it backfired!
You see, lacking in Humanity and Empathy, the SCARS commanding elite quickly came to the conclusion that the best way to save the Jirrians from the scourge of robbers and bandits was to rob the people themselves, before the robbers. They called it the Hammer for Headaches Strategy.
Thus it was that SCARS began to relieve the people of their wages, their dignity, their virtue and their blood. The people rechristened them the Subhuman Constables Against Revelling Sitizens for behold, all one had to do was look like one was enjoying life a little too much and he would fall into their trap. And if he did not have the means to satisfy their vampirous thirst, it was quite possible that, like in the ancient times of the slavedealers, such a person would never be heard from again.
Time and again, the people cried out to Gambrach and the Nassholes, “deliver us from SCARS!” but the Many Years’ Disease meant Gambrach heard them not and the Nassholes gave no gaddem, for they hired the SCARS as their personal bodyguards. If the wailing was loud enough, the Head of the Constabulary would re-call the SCARS from the highways, that the people might have respite for a few days, but in no time they would be back again. Thus it was that on three occasions, Bashally, one of the King’s Spining Quills, announced to the people, “thy King has heard thee despite the Many Years, and the SCARS shall trouble thee no more.” But it was an ofege.
Finally, in the second year of the second quadrannium of Gambrach, the Neests of Phemmi rose with a loud cry, declaring “It is enough! SCARS is scarring our lives, our pscyhes and beings. No more SCARS, no more scars. End SCARS!” And the cry rang throughout the 37 kingdoms, from Ekonnos, to Canodonia, to Ekitilopia, to Oshunlonica all demanding an end to SCARS.
Yea, they sent word and shekels to the Neests of Phemmi saying, “do with our coin what ye must, that we be saved from a life of SCARS!” From all over Jirriah, the shekels poured in, even from Jirrians in the dayasporata. And with the coin, Queen Effle Kay and her fellow Neests bequeathed succour, refreshments, security, repair and morale upon the crowds of people demanding full and final reprieve from SCARS.
Mefilius, warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar saw it and was greatly troubled. Gambrach summoned him on the fifth day, asking “How have the Neests of Phemmi amassed so much shekelage in such a short time?”
“Your Majesty,” replied Mefilius, “it seems to be the work of the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites; feeling cool with themselves, communicating and coordinating like a government. If not that it were completely legal, it would be high treason!”
“Can the inflows not be blocked?”
“Majesty, I am thy intellectual slave but bankers never reject money deposits. This is not like geographical borders, O King.”
“Okay, how about withdrawals then? Money that cannot be withdrawn cannot be spent,” countered Gambrach, slightly irritated.
“Now that is a most excellent idea, Great King. I shall throttle them.” Lo did Mefilius give the order to all the Copper Banks (Garantease, Zany, Hack Sex and all the other copper banks) to encumber the Neests of Phemmi.
The King of Twilistia, Samurai Jax, saw all that was going on in Jirriah and it gave him a constipation most severe. Wherefore he sent for his Twilistian meisters to engineer a solution for the Jirrians. And thus it was that the walls of Twilistia collapsed for half a dozen hours and none was able to send word to another. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.
But then the walls were rebuilt and Twilistia stood again and with this came the revelation that King Samurai Jax had blessed the Neests with verificato certificato and appointed a sigil unto the tagging of hashes for the ending of SCARS. Behold, the agitation took off with renewed vim and vigour and lo, was the cry heard across all the four corners of the earth, “End SCARS” and “halt Constabulary capriciousness”.
The Head of the Constabulary squirmed as he saw the rising tempers. “My King, permit me to inform the people that we have proscribed SCARS, taken them off the King’s highways and replaced them with an all new unit called SCRAPS – the Subhuman Constables Really Against Plundered Sitizens.”
“This is a great idea!” declared Gambrach. “Give them SCRAPS!”
The people heard it and maigheeeeurd, THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE GADDEM CHILL IN ALL THE LAND!
-Rotimi Fawole is a Lawyer and Satirist.