Loud Whispers with Joseph Edgar
Nothing we will not see in this presidency. The thing deserves its own reality show, but I tell you na sleep we go dey sleep throughout from boredom. Baba no dey even disappoint us. Speak to National Assembly and we mumu dey believe it will happen.
Never, that kind thing is like asking for snow to fall in Shomolu. How can Baba leave him house drive to House of Representatives go talk wetin? You guys like to have a huge degree of self-importance o. Talk wetin, insecurity? Even Gbaja no expect am as he don already go Olaiya go queue for amala. This is the era of invisibility in the Presidency and we really have to get used to it till it crosses the finish line. Look when we talk about Mr. Buhari being a man of integrity with a high sense of self-worth, it is true. Rather than come and stare us in the face and be bullshitting us like some others will do, knowing the true situation of things, he will just kukuma keep his mouth shut.
Is that not better, abi what do you want him to come and tell the assembly, that he has sacked all service chiefs or that he has the head of the Boko Haram person in his freezer cooling off or that Naira was now on par with Zimbabwean dollar? The man respect himself too much for all of that, so he just siddon for him house dey watch Zee World. When una tire, una go see the handwriting. Please leave Baba alone o, he needs to stay see him grandchildren marry o. Not this Nigeria wahala he come for. Kai.
Abubakar Malami – Attorney General ‘of Life’
In Shomolu, when someone is expansive and robust in his characterization or in the way he carries himself we add ‘of life’ after his name. This Malami guy is the Attorney General ‘of Life’. The way he has been carrying on since his appointment is reflective of a man that would have been given the highest title in the land. But since he is not here in Shomolu and may never come here – not that we really would like to have him though, the only thing to do as of this point is to add the moniker – ‘of life’ after his name. This explanation that I have read that the National Assembly has no powers to summon the president especially in the way he is handling the security situation is not only laughable but a mockery of everything the theory of separation of powers stands for. But what do I know? Do I even know the road to Law School to be arguing with the number one law officer in the country? Shebi NBA President, Olu Akpata, dey there refusing to be taking my calls because he thinks I am looking for sponsorship. He will not come and tackle this one. How president no go fit be summoned by the people’s representatives, is this a jankara democracy? Even if it is not legally correct, the president no know that the so-called 15 million people that voted for him will need some form of report card? I just tire. If not for this COVID-19, I would have also run to Canada and go siddon and be looking at snow like my brother, Ernest. Kai. Jungle.
Adams Oshiomhole – Stay Retired
I saw the statement, scrolled past it. Went back again to absorb the arrogance. He was reported to have said that if asked again to be the chairman of his party, he would refuse. But on second thought, I am asking myself wetin concern me? He did not say if he was called to be president of Nigeria but the chairman of his party. Which party, that APC? Is that one a party? That is a loose association of people driven together by the primitive quest for raw power and after getting it, will not know what to do. So if this kind person was able to rise to the leadership of the contraption, then it tells you just what the ‘thing’ stands for. So I am asking myself what exactly am I doing writing this piece? Why decimate my much-needed energy on something as inconsequential as this? Please, sorry, I wasted your time my dear reader. Please don’t vex, make I go drink my vitamin C be like say I am not performing at full throttle, please forgive.
Kayode Fayemi and Scramble for Presidency
That is how I engaged my friend Dapo on Nigerian politics and inevitably the matter enter Dr. Fayemi. Na me first fire o. Dapo, I hear your oga wants to be president and he responds matter-of-factly, yes. He is your next president. I laugh o, almost fall inside the gutter. I say Asiwaju will pull his pants and flog his bare buttocks and later give him ori to go and rub it to soothe the pain. How can he ever want to be president abi he has not seen the video of Asiwaju inspecting the bridge in Kano and the report that all the beggars in Kano are endorsing his candidacy? Dapo eyes red by this time insisted that Dr. Fayemi has done so well in public service and I say which well. Mbok, leave me o, his stint at the Ministry of Solid Minerals was an invisible tenure like him baba and Ekiti still remains a backwater of underdevelopment despite the so-called strides in health and education that I knew Dapo was about to tout. Dapo no gree o. He talked o and as he spoke, I blanked out. That is what I do when the talk is not making sense to me.
I will just be looking at you and you will think I am listening. My thoughts have gone to X-videos and I will be wondering why so many Nigerian porn is taking over the site. The way it is going, I will soon see my landlord’s wife in the thing. When Dapo finished, I say, thank you and left in peace before this one will now go and break my head cos of Fayemi wey no know the road to my village. But on second thought, I started to look at the whole thing again. Now in politics, power is never given out. You have to struggle for it. What this means is that those who have it now must as a matter of contingency decide who they hand over to and the protection of interest is very key. So now they say they have zoned it to the south, so the candidate must be malleable, must be able to protect their interest, and must be acceptable to all. He must not be divisive and a strong character and he must be mumufied enough to be used for the four years before it comes back.
You begin to see the possibility of a Fayemi presidency. The re-emergence of the mumu presidency. Can you imagine the return of a Shagari, Yar’Adua and Jonathan legacy? Installed frontmen. When this hit me, I run back to Dapo to apologize but the man don lock him door enter the other room, and has not been taking my calls. See me go annoy future press secretary, me and my big mouth. Kai.
South Africa – A Trek Through the Woods
Now I don’t even know how to go about this one o, because if someone talk now, the illiterate hoodlums in Ajah will rush to Circle Mall and go and loot, or they will rush to the nearest MTN office to steal phones and the new and energized Amotekun will come after me for inciting comments. But the South African people sef no dey even hear. I am just receiving some very unpalatable news. Apparently, a lot of Nigerians go there to build ships. This particular case is that of a Nigerian with over $50m in investments in the country being treated like a diseased rat by the embassy here. His frustrations have reached a feverish pitch that he has called them out, wondering what kind of thing is this. He doesn’t believe that the South African businesses here in Nigeria go through all these kinds of things so why are Nigerian businesses being subjected to this kind of wahala? I can only sha keep quiet. These South African people no try at all. The frustrations and sufferings they mete out to our people both officially and on the streets of their brothel-filled cities can only be imagined. Why can’t Nigeria and Nigerians be treated with respect? The answer, my friend is blowing in the wind…
Spraying Naira – Like Governor, Like Chief of Staff
The video of my pastor – Indaboski, the rock, the lion, the mice, and the abutata being received by the chief of staff of this our bald-headed governor hit me with glee. Me, I love Indaboski o. The comic relief is something else. I just love the confidence in the incompetence. The way the man boldly speaks bad English while proclaiming he is the lord of lords. He is charismatic and he is fun to be with. So I do not really blame the short chief of staff who getting carried away contravened the CBN rule by spraying taxpayers’ money on my pastor, the lion, the leopard, and the chicken of Igbo land. The video obviously went virile and public opprobrium became their lot. Wetin concern Indaboski? He has already moved on but they say governor Ikpeazu immediately suspended the chief of staff. But wait, just as I was about to say well done, another video this time of His Excellency, the governor appeared this time in better dance steps being sprayed. Mbok, the only difference here is that the governor can dance o. I loved the way he carried his bulk, his big belle swaying to the sweet drumbeats and the money shower although not as much as the chief of staff – be like say the chief of staff get money pass the governor. Anyways who will suspend the governor if truly they committed the same offence? Kai, my daughter, Zara, has deleted the video o. I need evidence in case oga want do El-Rufai for me o. That one, any mention na court. God help us.
Tokunbo Abiru’s Victory and Legitimacy Question
My brother, Mr. Abiru, has won an election that will go down in history as the worst in turnout. The level of apathy was appalling thereby throwing up the issue of legitimacy. I hear less than five percent of registered voters came out. You know I have a Master’s degree in Political Science and when I talk, you people should listen o. You see apathy can be a result of many things but this one, I can confidently say it is because the system has been so emasculated that people ask themselves why bother. So they stay clear. The process, the institutions, and structures have been captured and goaded so the true voices of the people cannot be heard, so they stay away. You can ask why after the #EndSARS, the first one o, not the hoodlum-inspired second one, that the youth refused to prove a point with this election as one would have thought. It’s simple, everybody has given up and there is a danger to this. The silence of the masses is more dangerous than that orgy of violence we just saw. Our masters will not have the sense to loosen the noose a little bit now o. They will be going about jubilating for Mr. Aburi who practically was voted in by his household and relations. If my lord, Mr. Aburi has sense now, shebi he will refuse to be sworn in because truthfully although he won a duly certified election, he really does not have the legitimacy that comes with this because the people stayed clear in revolt. But he no go gree, he don resign from bank and must be employed, so to Abuja we head.
Gen Domkat Bali – A Quiet Exit
You will please forgive me if I say my shock this time around was because I had thought he had gone since o. Kai, I am so sorry for such evil thoughts. But the man has been so quiet, unlike his colleagues who are busy writing letters and causing confusion everywhere. The man even at the peak of his powers was so very quiet that one used to wonder how he got himself involved with the band of coup plotters that really disturbed us in the 1980s. Let me leave this leg of thought before they now say I am speaking ill of the dead. Gen. Domkat Bali even in those heady days carried himself with panache and came out with strong goodwill and public acclaim. The fact that he was the one that used to make those announcements, those gory ones did not remove anything from his image as a fine gentleman. He lived to a ripe old age and he will be missed. Great guy.
Amotekun Doing Frivolity
The sector Commandant of Amotekun in Oyo (abi is it Osun State?) says that the force will not tolerate poor dressing and not being able to speak Yoruba well, amongst other world-shaking offences. When you carry people who otherwise should be in the bush hunting for lizards and give them leopard skin costumes to wear, won’t they be doing one kind?
Thankfully, a higher authority has come out to debunk that assertion and better position the force. Me, I still think this is an exercise in futile duplicity. Instead of strengthening what’s on the ground and refocusing it, we now spend the money we say we don’t have to go and set up this thing and tomorrow now you will see Amotekun, FRSC, police, which one is that other one sef- guguru defence all fighting for turf in Oshodi and na the miscreants and the evil herdsmen that will be separating them. I have seen it before o, where police and army were fighting and area boys were telling them to stop na. Who will now arrest us? This Nigeria we never start.