Albert Okumagba – This Iroko Didn’t Fall

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Not true: this Iroko did not fall o. People have been falling in tears, rolling on the floor and throwing sand on their heads since the passing of this icon. Me, I am just looking at them because they are not students of history. Those of us who understand these things do not get surprised by these kinds of happenings. Albert passed last week and the news came to a lot of people as a shock. What shocked me was the timing but not the fact that he had gone. He needed to go simply because we did not understand him.

He was far, far ahead of us and saw things the rest of us could never imagine. He saw the revolution of the retail market very early for example and grew his BGL to over 22 branches. It was unheard of in investment banking. Some people thought he was mad. Me I didn’t o. I saw the madness and worked with him as his chief marketing officer in pushing that vision. The brand grew and began to attract the kind of usual ‘Nigerian’ bad belle. So at the sign of the first challenge, those that were supposed to be his regulators immediately turned into his undertakers and people started running in droves away from him. Today, he has gone to where he truly belongs and he has found peace. Me, I cannot cry because this Iroko did not fall. It only transmuted into a sphere that will better understand his value. Let me stop for now, because I will certainly come back to this matter in the coming days. Kai, I cannot pose again, the thing is paining me. Kai, Albert!

LAI MUHAMMED – LEAVE THIS ONE

One of the first things they teach you on the streets in Shomolu is how to choose your battles. If you do not know how to do this, you will turn into what we used to call ‘otun obo’. In Shomolu that is a target sign on your back for all the bullies to take aim. Lai Muhammed is beginning to carry that ‘otun obo’ sign on his back with these things he is saying about CNN. Mbok, someone should advise him o. This one no be NTA and they don’t take prisoners o. You see what they have done to Trump with his billions of dollars? It is not to be carrying farmer cap and sit on one side of your buttocks and be taking aim at CNN. They will finish you o. kai, see the small one they have sent already. They have dropped some droplets oh. Like the one in Shomolu we calll ‘to wo.’ That is testing. If you push with this your careless talk of sanctions against them, they will drop bombs oh and that time no hiding place again o. So my brother, please just ignore them, let them talk. After all, how many people dey watch the channel for Nigeria? We are all glued on Big Brother Africa and Premiership.
The people watching CNN no plenty so let them just be broadcasting while you concentrate and get Big Brother to be showing extended version so that all 60m of us who voted for the half-naked girls will be distracted. My egbon, if I could speak Yoruba I will use it to beg you. Leave this one before they show you baffing with ‘kainkain.’ I don talk my own oh.

ADAMU ADAMU – WHAT MANNER OF MINISTER?

Mbok, when we were growing up, the Minister of Education that time namely, Prof. Jubril Aminu, Babatunde Fafunwa them used to be so popular. You would even think that they were the de facto president. But this one na invisible man o. I had to Google him to know his name. I just tire. So we have Minister of Education and people are collecting full school fees to be doing ‘Zoom Education’?

This one is not even my problem because na opportunity so I no really blame these proprietors because Covid really messed up their business so this na bounce back strategy.

But my real problem is the fact that there are schools in this country that are not preparing their children for WAEC. WAEC? West African Examinations Council! Not Duke of Shomolu Examinations Board and we have minister. So some of these schools for whatever reason now be preparing the children for foreign exams and as God will catch them by the time you get to the US and Canada which is usually the favourite destination, they will now ask for WAEC.

So knowing this, some teachers in these schools will now be doing private classes and be charging as much as N100,000 per subject. You see black market in education? Others will now recommend you to other schools where in one month you are expected to cover a three-year syllabus in one month because na super brain you get and we have Minister of Education? My brother wherever you are abeg come out and show what you can do. I am sure they did not appoint you Minister of Education because you are the best marathoner in your village. I am sure there must be a reason other than that. Please, wake up abeg.

YAKUBU GOWON – WHICH YAKUBU?

Please, I have to ask this question oh. Which Yakubu Gowon was that white man talking about? The man said that one Yakubu Gowon when he was going into exile went with half of the CBN. Mbok that statement is not a small statement o. It is a huge statement capable of damaging everything this statesman has worked for if he is the one they are referring to. The oyibo man sef, be like say he never eat that morning because he was stuttering and stammering and apologizing as he was speaking before dropping that statement. For fear of commenting on fake news I had waited to see it on some credible platforms before commenting and since nobody has come out to deny the clip or claim it as a clip from a low budget British porn movie, I will talk. If it is the same Gen. Gowon that we all know, the one who fought civil war and said, ‘no victor, no vanquished,’ the one that Murtala overthrew and the one that left for exile from Uganda, then be like say that white man has mental problem. This same person that it was said was embarrassing Nigeria by queuing for food in school when he went back to better himself after a glowing career as a military dictator? This same Gowon that has been wearing only one agbada since he came back? One day I went visiting one of my ogas on Okotie Eboh in Ikoyi and he pointed out Gowon house for me and the house be like where Saddam scud missile just hit. Mbok, these people should sha mind their business or abi are they ‘fearing’? The real people who have the CBN in bullion vans packed and ready to rumble are all over the place and this pale-skinned failed actor no see that one. Please leave my Gowon alone o. The man does not even know the road to CBN talk less of carrying it to anywhere.

ALI NDUME – DON’T BE IN A HURRY

I have read the news of my lord being remanded in prison as a result of standing surety for one man that has run away. This career of standing surety is risky sha. I once did guarantor for person for loan. I collect him wife passport and wedding ring before I sign. If he default, I collect the wife, simple! So Senator Ali no do such thing go stand surety for that kind person wetin he be they expect? My advice is for him not to be in a hurry to leave the prison. Let him take the opportunity to study the place, the challenges and all and then when he eventually comes out, he will make himself Senate Chairman on Prison Reforms. You see, God works in a wonderful way, you never can tell if the Minister of Internal Affairs is in his immediate future and this apprenticeship in the gulag is just to get the necessary work experience. My brother, relax and enjoy your stay. Kai, I can find trouble?

DR NICK OKOYE – MAN ON FIRE

That was how me and my partners – Ore Sofekun and Brainard Odiete put together a very powerful conference on private equity and the SMEs. The idea came to me as a result of all this wahala with Health Plus and their partners. So the question is why run and go and enter slavery internationally when you can enter the same slavery locally? At least the local one, you can carry your mother-in-law go beg. So that is how the conference pulled in the whole ecosystem – the NSE, FMDQ and NASD with over 300 participants and my brother Ugodre moderating with discussions being quite robust and exciting. Na me first talk o. I welcomed the delegates and quickly handed over to Ugodre who did a marvelous job moderating. Then it was the turn of Dr. Okoye who was an executive director at the NSE at some point. The man rumble o. Come and see fire. He is truly a very powerful intellectual when it comes to things like this. Kudos to him and all of the speakers. We will turn this country around, enough of the side talk. No be Buhari be the problem abeg, na we all.