Aminu Tambuwal, Let’s Do This


Ok, I have been watching this politician very closely. Observing his every move and action with keen interest. You see I am a sucker for a keenly contested election. I can die for a powerfully fought election because it throws up so much giddy excitement which pushes me into a frenzy. Do you guys remember the Agbalajobi/Sarumi rumble, the Ajasin/Omoboriowo imbroglio? Yes that is what we who read Political Science call keenly contested elections.

Me I do not want this incumbent to just stroll back to power; he must sweat for it and I thank God that the opposition is beginning to wake up to this reality. Forgive me, if I state that Tambuwal portends a strong force that would give the incumbent a god fight. He is young, experienced with strong relationships as a result of his foray in politics. This is not a Duke of Somolu endorsement, very far from it but this remains a Duke of Somolu wish. For me, since the Presidency has been zoned to the north, I believe by both major parties, I would like to see a strong field of potentially dangerous candidates emerge and not Wimpey mother’s boys come from behind mummy’s apron strings to whimper that they want to contest

We would like to see very strong attempts at giving the incumbent a fight to remember. This I believe would be very good for our democracy. So my Lord Tambuwal, what say you, I believe you can do this, let’s do this. This is not an endorsement but a wish.

Shehu Sani, I Dare You
I have just seen a report claiming that this my friend is about to contest in Kaduna if certain things are not put in place. This is the kind of fight we see in Oshodi, where the combatants will just be circling themselves and be shouting but will not throw a punch. This bobo, you think contesting in Kaduna is to be carrying Afro hair all over the place and taking snakes to JAMB office. Me as a person, I remain tired of all these mouth. If you want to contest, oya contest and stop all these rabble rousing, we are tired.

In fact, I think you should contest abeg and let us see who truly is the man – little El – Rufai or afro Sani. That would be a contest that would be worth watching. While considering this position however, kindly make sure you do not have any house in Kaduna metropolis because you stand a risk of losing it the morning you declare, but then again that should be a little sacrifice to make for the long suffering people of kaduna who I believe are in search of a new messiah and very quickly so. This El-Rufai na El- Tornado, only God can try.

‘Supper’ Eagles, Please na
Let no man say I am not patriotic. I am the most patriotic person you can find in Somolu, but this Super Eagles always push my patriotic credentials, that is why you see I really ignore them. The build up to this particular world cup has been strange, I tell you. All of a sudden, our players were turned into fashion models, selling jerseys and parading all around the place. It was no wonder in their first match they played like pansies. Me, did I watch? I did not bother. I was in my Afang joint at Onigbongbo savouring the sweet taste of well-made  Afang soup. People were just screaming and shouting as the Super Eagles threw the whole nation into misery. We have gone to carry catwalk models to world cup ooooo. Well, all hope is not lost as we still have enough time to redeem and strive for excellence in this tournament. Let’s be focussed and forget selling jerseys and other distractions and face the issue of the day, which is to win matches.

Robert Okpara, Imo on his mind
This is my friend and brother. He has decided to go against Rochas Okoroacha’s son in law. This is truly a brave thing to do. We have been speaking on this his ambition and he has sent me a lot of his campaign materials detailing his vision for the state especially in the areas of health and education. My brother, I would have been very happy for you if this was a normal state. This state is being ruled by a clone of the North Korean demagogue who has created a happiness ministry ‘and gone on a major nepotistic drive all culminating in a simplistic and egotistical attempt at fostering on the long suffering people of Imo State a son in law, whose main qualification remains his prowess in the other room. My brother, you will need much more than well-thought out programmes to defeat this dynasty. You will need a lot of street smarts, a lot of wit around you and much more importantly, you must match this dynasty statue by statue. Start by erecting your statute at the main roundabout and then we will know you are truly serious. Let the games begin.

Chimamanda Adichie, Stop Confusing Us
Please, we are having enough problems with our women; to come and add this feminism that this otherwise very beautiful lady is preaching will be more problem. The power our women folk have arrogated to themselves is such that they are now more than equal partners in many homes. So, to come and add this one you are shouting all over the place will just be a recipe for chaos. The point here is that the true African woman remains a help mate, a partner and a platform of reliability in the home and society.

Trying to upturn that with all these talk will just amount to a riot. Like the American told you, come and use your weight and fight for more practical and serious things like genital mutilation, infant mortality, lack of education of the girl child and leave all these talk of equality, as it will not put food on the table. Abeg, I am beginning not to like you jo, what is all these talk about. You are living far away and not physically going through the pains of being a true Nigerian woman and you are preaching feminism. I have never seen this level of detachment.  The issues are plenty my sister, if I start to name them, there will be no space so just leave the matter and focus on your fantasy world. No problem.

Jide Offor, Happy Birthday Bro
This ex-Magistrate, lawyer and highly talented fashion designer recently celebrated his 50th birthday. It was all glam and power at the major shindig which held in Enugu. Jide today is an enigma as he continues to churn out very powerful and distinctly talented attires for his increasingly satiated clientele which range from state governors to the very discerning corporate power brokers. His party pulled in a motley of power brokers within the South-east and quickly turned into a mini campaign ground with the assortment of honchos he pulled in. Well, happy birthday my brother even as I wish you many happy returns, whatever that means.