IG – A Small Advice


Loud Whispers

Good morning sir and how have you been?

I can imagine the immense pressure you are under with the various theatres of war that our country has become. If not that you are a strongman with big chest, all this wahala from everywhere is enough to make you pull your uniform and run away. By the way, should the thought ever cross your mind, let me advise that you try Abidjan, the women there are something else o. But that would be gist for another day. My lord, you see why I am writing you this morning against all advice, is to discuss in a brotherly manner the issue you are having with the Senate. Please calm down, don’t start to vex just yet, I am on your side in this matter, after all what do they really do apart from wear starched clothes and go and be speaking English that is sometimes quite funny and be receiving humongous pay cheques as confirmed by their own member, that one that will never cut his hair and will be fighting his governor. Until they bring down his house, he will not keep quiet now.

Sir, you see when the Senate summons, you kindly forget that you have power o, show small humility and just go, after all, what can they do to you? They cannot arrest you na, they don’t have the power abi or can they force you to Lokoja at all? The idea is just to humour us and for all its worth, just wear your best uniform and go and smile at the camera and any question they ask, just stand straight, smile and say, ‘ I will get back to you’. Walahi nothing will happen. Just trust me. So when you refuse to go, it is not really good. The point here is not whether they have the power or not or whether they are jumping in and out of buses, they kind of represent the 180million of us and as such they should deserve small respect.  We voted for them o, you na appointment at the pleasure of the person we voted for and wey dey beg us to vote for am again. Please don’t vex, help me just write a small letter of apology and offer to go back.

It is the best thing to do. Thank you my lord and by the way, how have you been? Pele it cannot be easy. Once in a while just zone out, switch off your phones and just sleep, being Inspector General of police at this time with all this wahala in the land cannot be a walk in the park, I really pity you. Please do you have any light-complexion female unmarried police officer to send? I have some fresh palm wine for you. Just let me know. Take care my brother and don’t forget to send that letter of apology to the Senate. Pele dear.

Kayode Fayemi – A Pyrrhic Victory
That is what some people have labelled your victory at the APC primary that recently took place. You see, I want to agree with them simply because I had put in a bet that you would not emerge the governorship candidate of APC. I had put in my weekly ‘chop money’ and lost the sum. So you will begin to understand why I may not really support your candidacy. For me and a lot of us, we really do not understand why the need for you to go back to Ekiti Government House is paramount and the only reason I can see from where I am seated is the possibility of nothing else to do. You see, that is the folly of a career politician. Nothing to fall back on and as such we must continue to carry the burden of this ambition whether we like it or not. I have tried to look at the record of your previous stint at Ekiti and I don’t really see any major landmark achievement.

I am sorry to be this harsh but even my harshest critic will understand where I am coming from – na the money wey I lost. So the feeling of nostalgia that should lead the people to pave the way for you back to power is what I am not seeing o. Then your stint at the Ministry of Solid Minerals was at best tepid. Why am I being this wicked? Doctor, don’t mind me jare. I am just being cheeky. Please continue with the good work. Let us let the good people of Ekiti decide who leads them after all, what do I know? Am I not the Duke of Shomolu? Mbok, let me go have a bath abeg. Don’t mind me, I can be crazy like that.

The Duke of Shomolu Gets Federal Appointment
The notification came on  my  phone with a wicked thud. I was expecting an alert from my good friend, amiable lawyer Big John Iwelumo who had promised to buy bulk tickets to my upcoming theatre play – Isale Eko. I kept looking out for the alert and Big J kept assuring me that the money would come and that I should not worry. So when the notification came, I thought it was Big J finally redeeming his pledge but to my amazement, it was a text from the Presidency informing me that I was being considered for an appointment and that I should contact one Hajiya Maryam Alkali for more information. Ohhh my God! I knelt down and in full supplication, I began to worship the Most High, making a mental note to pay my backlog of tithes which if not careful, can be traced back to over five years. I immediately called my staff plus my partner to inform them of my good fortune. Lami was so envious he could not hide it. But I told him to calm down that I would make him a special adviser or something.

I even gave him Abike Dabiri’s number to call for immediate tutelage on being a good adviser. We now settled to start to analyse and suggest which of the ministries I would be given. Prince, the short Bayelsa person suggested Ministry of Women Affairs. I almost slapped him. Bisola, the pretty dark damsel who will never come to work early thought otherwise. She felt I would do well in information since I was a taker with no respect for accuracy. I walked her out of the office immediately. Tayo, the silent one, suggested Ministry of Justice since I had some EFCC friends. By this time Lami’s bad belle was so much, he opined that it could be an ambassadorial posting to Libya or Syria. Kai, see this Ogbomosho boy o. In all this, nobody thought of the Ministry of Petroleum, Defence or the Vice Presidency. These people do not understand Nigerian politics and the role I am playing in it as the Duke of Shomolu and friends to very key people both in and out of government. After all, I have sent text messages to Tinubu, Amaechi and Asari Dokubo; that they did not reply to them; does not matter? At this point, Manny, the Ibibio honcho suggested that before we start tweeking my CV and removing the places where I was sacked and reducing my age, that we should call the number. My people, truecaller is a wicked thing o. It was one Amechi Okunobi that sent the text o, no be Buhari o! See my life? My people are still laughing at me o.

Let’s Outsource Nigeria
A young friend called me the other day and talked passionately about the need for us to outsource our country from the Presidency down to the post master general if that kain position still dey sef. His position was clear that since we will never be able to make credible appointments outside of the shallow prisms of ethnicity, tribalism, nepotism and also the fact that candidates emerging from these would always be held to ransom by the powers that put them thereby short-changing Nigerians that we should outsource these positions and get international experts to man them. This, according to him is the sure panacea to corruption and the rest. He believed very stringently that this would solve the issues of ineffective policy formulation and execution. He went ahead to cite the cases of the UK where the chancellor of the exchequer equivalent of our CBN governor is  a Canadian and also the UAE, where a lot of strategic positions tied to the economy are held by foreign experts.  He closed by giving the example of our Super Eagles who do well under foreign technical coaches. EFCC, the Ministry of Finance, CBN, Customs, SEC, the Economic management team should all be held by foreign experts. Well, his name is Damilola and if you need his number, call me, I will give you. I am not the one o.