Our Wives are Killing Us


This is really getting alarming. I have even heard that 40 per cent of domestic violence cases are against men. What has driven our women to this point where they have decided that the punishment for a simple altercation is instant death with the knife as a weapon of choice? When the Abuja one happened, some of us had called for an examination of our mental health policy framework. For I still do not believe that any woman in her sane mind would brutally murder her husband and in most cases, the father of her children in cold blood and with such impunity. The recent case of the lawyer who carved out her hubby’s insides, caught off his manhood and placed it in his hands is to say the least scary. What would drive an otherwise very loving and beautiful madam into that state of frenzy? I think we have millions of people walking around with mental health issues and not just women. Maybe the economic hardships leading to frustrations make people just to lose it and begin to stab and murder one another. The question now is how we remove the stigma in the society against mental health such that people can freely go and be checking themselves without fear just like the way we check for our BP? This way, we just might be able to stop this carnage. It is no longer a laughing matter.

Evans: Don’t Beat Him
Well, he is still a suspect and since he has not yet been convicted of any of the crimes he is alleged to have committed, I will not yab him too much just yet. But if recent reports in the media are anything to go by, it is looking like he has started paying for his numerous sins – alleged or not. They say, he first refused to come down from the vehicle that brought him to court and when he got the opportunity to speak, he complained about maltreatment, lack of good food and of access to visitors. Well, you see life? If what they said about how he treated his kidnap victims is anything to go by, I begin to wonder why he is complaining. After all, these things he is complaining about are just kids’ stuff compared to what we have heard. Anyway, the laws are very clear on things like these. Everybody’s human rights including those of sadists must be protected at all times. They are not negotiable and must be accessible by all. So, my plea to the prison authorities is for Evans to be given a fair deal and that his rights as  a human being must be protected no matter what. We, as a society, cannot bring ourselves down to his alleged bestial level. We must rise up. Thank you.

Davido and Chioma – It’s Happening
This is really happening o! This young couple are burning up the spotlight not only with their romance but with the kind of money being bandied around as they go about in merrymaking. It was reported that for her birthday, the young musician, who cannot even dance well sef, bought for his flame a brand new car worth N45m and to my surprise, the girl collected it. She did not carry the car back to the dealer and ask them to give her the cash so that she can go and build family house in the village or even set up like 12 beauty parlors. While I was still wondering how I would start to yab them, they now announced that she has just refused an endorsement deal worth N60m and then the promoters now came back with a better offer for N100m. My people, I have been staring at this young lady’s picture for all of the last three days, trying to decipher some things about her. For the sake of national peace and cohesion, I will beg Nigerians to kindly assist me with some information about Chioma – who is her pastor or does she worship in a shrine and if so, location and the priest’s contact details? So that me too can go and wash my head o. All these suffer I have suffered in Shomolu, the nearest endorsement deal I have got is the one from Yemi Shodimu’s Shobams Palm Wine and that comes with four crates of the sweet palm wine without the bottles. He called me last night to ask that I return the bottles or I pay. You see my life, chiomaaaaaa oooooo, come save me.
MUDI – A Truly African Brand
Last week, this supremely talented macho man opened his latest outlet on Rue de something boulevard in Abidjan, Cote D’voire. We were there o. You know the kind of small perks you get when you now happen to be friends with these kinds of people. He called me and asked for my passport number. He was sending me a ticket to be at the opening. That is how the Duke of Shomolu appeared in Abidjan. At the airport there was a mild commotion as the immigration people insisted on giving me special treatment by singling me out for a thorough search. All my protestation that I carry a diplomatic passport which looked like the yellow card they give you for vaccination fell on deaf ears. This people no listen o. They went  about their business methodically and afterwards thanked me for cooperating with them. I thanked them too for showing me their unique hospitality and rushed to the opening. The crème de la crème of the Ivorian society had all come out to honour Mudi. They snapped up his designs and continued to marvel at the distinct attention to detail he puts in all his creations. The Nigerian Ambassador was the distinguished guest who opened the store. Well, for me, the only problem there was the fact that the language barrier stopped any kind of Nigerian-Ivorian bilateral cooperation especially between me and the little Ivorian damsels; as such no communiqué was signed. So we just respected ourselves and flew back into Lagos very quietly. Well done and congrats my brother, but when are you opening one in Uyo?

…That APC Thing
They say APC did some kinds of exercises last weekend which were marred by a lot of things culminating in the reported killing of a candidate somewhere in the Niger Delta. Well, me I have really decided to keep quiet about these things ever since my lovely bird told me one cold night that my name had appeared on one security report. Well, my people I don’t know if she was joking or not, you do not take those things lightly these days. No be say, I dey fear o. But you know when you cut off an Ibibio man from afang and his bend-bend sleep you have killed him. So, that is why I am just looking at APC. Let them just continue with whatever it is that they are doing. I will just be looking at them. I will not say a word. It is their business. Let them just continue. There is god as mummy would say. Thank you.