By Reno Omokri
The so-called looters list released last week by Lai Mohammed, on behalf of the Muhammadu Buhari administration just shows how blind this government is to its true state.
Does this administration not understand that no one takes their anti-corruption posture serious anymore?
How can you be fighting corruption and the only global body recognized as setting the standards for who is corrupt and who is not, rates you more corrupt than those you point fingers to?
2018 marked Nigeriaâ€™s worst-ever showing in Transparency International Corruption Perception Index when we moved 12 places backward from 136 to 142.
Yet it was under this climate that Lai Mohammed chose to embarrass himself and his boss by releasing such a farcical and nonsensical lootersâ€™ list that only featured members of the opposition.
Perhaps Lai and the other leading darkness of this administration were giddy from the show of crass they put on last week and called the Bola Tinubu Colloquium.
At that event, rather than tell Nigerians what the APC and Bola Tinubu (once the National Leader of the All Progressives Congress until June 2016 when he was publicly dethroned by Buhari) had for them, the APC leaders, from President Buhari to Tinubu, all took turns to blame the previous administration and pour scorn on firmer President Jonathan.
Perhaps the worst of it was Vice President Osinbajo, a man who worked for Tinubu for 8 years, yet still has the guts to call others corrupt.
Vice President Osinbajo reminds me of Michael Corleoneâ€™s wife in the movie the Godfather. Kay Adams-Corleone disliked the Mafia so much that she had extracted a commitment from her husband that he would not be a part of it.
She continued to live a sheltered life in a bubble until one day, her world was rocked when her sister-in-law, Connie Corleone, informed her that not only was her husband a mafioso, he was actually the Don (Godfather, head honcho).
Vice President Osinbajo desperately needs a Connie Corleone to tell him that not only are his benefactors corrupt, they virtually hold a franchise over corruption in Lagos! Donâ€™t ask me to name them ALPHA-BETA cally. I do not want their trouble.
How can Professor Yemi Osinbajo look a room full of characters like Tinubu and say â€˜â€™Those who carried out the criminal looting in this country must be held to accountâ€™â€™. Some of the very people he refers to were right there in front of him. The others can be found at FEC every Wednesday! Is it Rotimi Amaechi who once boasted that â€œWe steal because Nigerians donâ€™t stone usâ€ or Fashola that admitted to spending N78 million taxpayerâ€™s funds on his personal website?
I do not know why the Vice President keeps insulting the intelligence of Nigerians by insisting that former President Jonathan â€˜destroyedâ€™ Nigeria.
The Vice President should remember that under the Jonathan administration that he accuses of â€˜destroyingâ€™ Nigeria for five years,
A 50kg bag of rice was N8000
A litre of petrol was N87
$1 was N150 (then N199 in 2015)
Lagos-Abuja air ticket was N2500
A bottle of Coke was N60
A tin of Peak milk was N80
N18,000 minimum wage was equal to $120.
If truly Jonathan destroyed Nigeria as Professor Yemi Osinbajo alleges, how come his boss, President Buhari, has made it a habit to recommission projects already commissioned by Jonathan, from the Air Force drone, the Plateau bridge and now to #EkoAtlanticCity, amongst others? Does Buhari like destruction?
There is a popular Nigerian Pidgin proverb which goes â€˜who no like better thingâ€™. Buhari is recommissioning Jonathanâ€™s project because he likes â€˜better thingâ€™. Since he cannot find any â€˜better thingâ€™ associated with him, President Buhari is drawn to Jonathanâ€™s better things.
In fact, I appeal to Professor Osinbajo and his boss to likewise â€˜destroyâ€™ Nigeria like Jonathan destroyed her.
They claim that Jonathan ruined Nigeria and they are rescuing her, but the facts do not bear up to what they are saying.
On the day ex-President Jonathan handed over to President Buhari, Aliko Dangote was worth $25 billion. Today, after three years of Buhari, Dangote is now worth $13.8 billion.
If you doubt me, Google it yourself. Then think about it. Think about it very deeply.
In fact, I hear that during Federal Executive Council meetings, President Buhari now calls Rotimi Amaechi, Martin LUTHER, because the man has looted Rivers state so much that even after leaving office the ALOOTA CONTINUA!
I also have been reliably informed that the only reason President Buhari agreed to meet with Naomi Campbell is because he thought her name is Naomi Cowbell. You know how he prioritizes anything that has to do with cows. That reminds me, President Buhari is excitedly waiting to meet Simon Cowell soon. The last two paragraphs are a parody.
Who we elect as President in 2019 has deep consequences for our pockets. In one week, two prominent Northern emirs who supported Buhari and celebrated when he won came out publicly to wail about extreme suffering and killings in their Emirates. They thought they dealt with Jonathan, but after three years of Buhari, they realize they dealt with themselves!
After three years of blaming the previous administration and making little to no progress towards fulfilling their campaign promises, Nigerians can now see that the only difference between the APC and yahoo boys is that one operates from laptop while the other operates from the State House, other than that, there is no difference.
The APC that promised three million jobs per year has seen Nigerians lose 10 million jobs in the last three years. What is that if not fraud? They promised to make N1 equal to $1, but today $1 is equivalent to N367. Is that not yahoo? In fact, that one is no longer Yahoo. It is Yahoo plus!
$25 billion was spent at NNPC without due process and nothing happened and the APC say they are fighting corruption?
If President Buhari does not know, then I would like to inform him that with the amount of looters in his cabinet, Nigerians have nicknamed his government ALOOTA CONTINUA.
How can Amaechi and others be in your government and you say you are fighting corruption! Fashola, your minister of works built a website for N78 million, yet he is fighting corruption with you? Corruption my foot!
On a lighter note, I have just been informed that President Donald J. Trump of the US is called POTUS, While the President Muhammadu Buhari of Nigeria is called DISAPPOINTUS!
Let me end this piece with an original poem I wrote:
The first Siamese twins I have ever seen in my life are APC and Lies.
They go together like white on rice.
Their affinity to lying is so strong that they chose a spokesman whose name rhymes with lies!
Oh what lies ahead for Nigeria when we have a Lai to inform us with lies?
A Buhari to bore us with booboos in February!
A Fashola to flash power!
But the worst is the deputy, a pastor that passes on lies!
A poem by Reno Omokri
How do you expect God to answer your prayer when you canâ€™t even answer your gatemanâ€™s greetings because he is poor? If you want to receive favour from higher up, you must first sow favour down. Donâ€™t feel too proud to associate with your gateman. Even if he invites you to eat from his food, oblige. Take a spoonful or two. Donâ€™t ignore the cleaner in your office. She is not dirty and ugly. If you were on her pay scale, you may even look scruffier than her. Make friends with ordinary people and God will make friends with you #RenosNuggets